DH thinks I don’t trust him with DD - AIBU

[Newmummahumma]

So this is causing a big issue at the moment and I’m struggling to see beyond my own feelings.

DD is 10 weeks old, last night was my first night ‘out’ without DD and DH was doing the evening routine solo.

I got a message at 19:00 saying she was refusing her last bottle and was crying uncontrollably (she has started refusing to bottle feed from anyone other than me, which we had worked on before yesterday but clearly not enough!) so I called, asked to be put on speaker, sung a song and all was fine.

I then messaged half an hour later and asked if everything was ok. No reply. I then messaged at 20:00 and again no reply. I started to get worried at this point so called, no answer, I called every 10 mins and nothing.

DH is usually on call for his work in case of a security emergency so never has his phone on silent overnight, and has answered calls from alarm companies at 3am before so I was worried instead of assuming he was asleep.

I left early due to worry but as I was 2 hours away I then had an agonising train journey home, I was calling and calling, getting more and more worked up, my mum tried calling, people around me on the train even suggested calling the police to get them to do a welfare check as honestly I was thinking the worst (DH has high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate and nearly fainted a few weeks ago at home so I was worried something had happened to him)

I got home and he was asleep, phew. He woke up when I came in and saw all the calls and messages, he then accused me of not trusting him with DD, as if I did trust him I’d not be that worried.

My view is, I was worried about him more than her, and concerned he was incapacitated, not that he was going to do something to DD, or had fallen asleep with her on the sofa etc. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected him to send a quick message saying ‘she had her bottle, is asleep, I’m going to sleep now too’ we usually text goodnight when spending evenings apart so it was out of the norm to get nothing anyway. Plus this was my first night without her, of course I was going to be a bit anxious.

He is using the fact I mentioned trust being an issue when she was 2 weeks old, as confirmation of his views. He was really struggling to get his head around caring for a baby in the first couple of weeks and one day I snapped and said ‘how am I going to be able to go out by myself in future if I can’t trust you to change her nappy properly’ he now thinks that comment when she was 2 weeks old shows a pattern of distrust, whereas he actually has really stepped up since she was 2 weeks and found his feet, so I do now trust him whereas back then I don't think I would have left her with him for more than an hour or two.

This has of course now spiralled into a bigger issue so I wanted to see, before it gets worse whether I am being unreasonable here and should just apologise and stop this going further?

thank you for any comments or advice!

I'm not going to get into an argument with you because you sound quite anxious about parenting and 10 weeks is still so young.

Really though if babe is peacefully sleeping I wouldnt wake for a nappy change. As for NHS guidelines about waking every 2 hours to feed, you're right I'm not aware of that. I'm not sure that's the case unless there is a concern about weight gain. Mine is 1 now but she was a chubby little thing so never woke her to feed. In fact she never fed every 2 hours at all it was more like 3 but she could go 5 hours over night.

Anyway I hope you and DH work it out. My original point was that I think telling him he can't be trusted over the nappy thing was unreasonable.

I think he is deliberately choosing not to believe you so he can punish you for your previous comment, ehich he deserved tbh, who leaves a newborn in a shitty nappy?

I would just reiterate you were worried because he wasn't answering and his phone wasn't on DND which he knows is true, if he doesn't believe you then that's his problem, I wouldn't apologise any more.

With an attitude like the one you've got i wouldn't be surprised if he divorced you to get 50/50.

And before you tell me I can't read, I've just checked and he nearly fainted a few weeks ago. But my point remains the same.

It's the age old question. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do apologies really need to be genuine to be effective?

I think you did over-react a bit. And as understandable as that might be, your husband is obviously still feeling stung by your earlier words about trust. Even though you've changed your mind now, he clearly hasn't let them go.

So if it were me, I'd apologise and say that it was your first time away and you overreacted because of that. And if you didnt trust him, you'd never have left the baby. None of that is untrue.

Then I'd not say anything else. Just let it go and let him see by your actions that you trust him. And then next time you leave him, say you're going to really miss him (baby, not husband 😉) so will he send a picture of him or let you know what he's doing. It won't be that long until you're telling him not to contact you, under pain of death, unless the baby's dying! Lol.

I’d have been annoyed and found it really weird if my DH hadn’t cleaned the babies due to not wanting to get too close to their genitals. Not sure what he was expecting!?
I’d try just both of you move on tbh, you are still both finding your feet with it all

Anyone recommending that has never had to deal with nappy rash I'm guessing

hence wanting to know at this stage whether I just need to apologise and move on or whether I am right in wanting him to not do this again when I go out.

Yes, I think you need to apologise for overreacting. Calling every 10 minutes because he hasn't responded within an hour, leaving early and getting yourself into such a state others on the train are asking you what's wrong is over the top.

If he's trusted to look after his own child he shouldn't have this need to respond within 60 mins or else you're on your way home, so for me it's more a case that you should not do this again when you go out.

Agree a set check in time if you really can't relax on an evening away, and all the best getting your anxiety under control.

Is this your first baby? I think it’s understandable that you would be worried and that’s why you acted as you did. A bit if an over reaction but despite my eldest being 24 I still remember what it was like leaving him for the first time with his dad. My husband wasn’t a first time dad and had brought up his first child practically by himself when he was only a teenager so definitely had more experience than me ! It’s natural to worry. I can also see how your husband feels too though x

This.

Oh OP, you are going to get lots of posters pouncing because you are a new mum. They just like to try their hardest to upset you. Don't take it personally.
The fact that he rung you because he didn't know how to settle her on your first night out, when you were 2 hours away is ridiculous to start with. The natural follow on from that should have been a follow up text to say babies settled, off to bed or similar.
Don't let this stop you from going out in future. When he's home, lots of one to one time with baby so he gets the hang of it so you don't receive a phonecall like that again. You were worried about him. Totally natural response.

He is right, you don’t trust him with your DD. Over the years, you are both going to make lots of parenting mistakes with her. Maybe go out locally until you feel more comfortable leaving her.

So much fuck off to this comment. What was he supposed to do? Try and pretend to be mum? Or just do his best until the baby was exhausted? Of course I suspect op was always going to call and check in. Which would have resulted in questioning, coming home early etc.

The guy was meet going to win.

bold move being 2 hours away from your 10 week old as your first evening out, though.

It was fine, next time will be better. Tell him sorry for being a bit over the top, and point out that if he'd told you the baby was fine you wouldn't have.

Both learn from this and move on

I didn’t say I didn’t trust him, I asked how I was supposed to trust him if he wasn’t able to care for her properly. (he didn’t realise you need to change a baby if they poo even when asleep, so left DD in her own shit for hours)

but you don't have to. Let them sleep at that age.

I think you were completely OTT. I don't understand why you were ringing him constantly. You seemed to leap to the worst possible conclusion that he'd fallen asleep with her or become incapacitated. If you trusted him you would just think he'd put her in the crib or something. I think crying on the train was an overreaction.

Ok so you have asked for opinions on whether you were being unreasonable however you are immediately on the defensive when at least 50% think you were.

2hrs away by train is a long way to go for first time away from baby - YABU

A new baby in the house and parent falls deeply asleep so doesn’t hear his phone (probably on vibrate so doesn’t wake said baby) is completely normal.

People say all kinds of things in anger - if you’ve apologised then you both need to move on. The baby isn’t a possession it is both of yours the principle trust shouldn’t even be a discussion point.

Finally if my newborn was asleep and she popped I’d be in the camp of leaving her until she ways (so long as it wasn’t on one of the long stretches that they start to get into and at 2 weeks that isn’t a thing!). No way I’m waking that baby up! He isn’t wrong he just has a different instinct.

Massive dose of the PFB's here.

I think you know you overreacted OP thats why you've created this 'concerned about him' explanation. Also you're being massively defensive.

I also wouldn't wake a sleeping baby for a nappy change but none of mine went more than 3 hours anyhow

Yabu, sorry. Sounds like your dh is on edge about getting things wrong incase you criticise again. You should be apologising for your overreaction imo

I find it odd that he didn't text you and let you know that dd was asleep, also to say he was going to bed, if that's what you usually do. Seems unlikely that he was in a deep enough sleep from 8pm that he didn't hear any of your calls...

But only you know if your h would deliberately ignore you to make you feel bad.

I'm a bit horrified that some people don't change a baby's nappy as soon as they are aware the baby has pooed, or as soon as is practical.

OP I think you both need to learn from this, decide the plan for nights out but be aware that sometimes seeing to the baby overrides making time for a phone call.

I wouldn't have gone that far away from a baby so young in case anything did happen, even if I did trust the other parent.

That's literally you saying you think you're a superior parent in an unpleasant way. Hope you're taking in that you're YABU.

I mean you way over reacted getting parents to call and strangers on the train saying to call the police.

Either you trust him to keep her safe or you don’t. Either you believe his medical condition is stable enough for you to go 2 hours away or you don’t.

What you’ve got is pfb panic likely with a like bit of mum guilt for actually enjoying yourself.

You over reacted your both new parents who are learning and you need to learn to chill a bit and he needs to learn to sing his child to sleep.

OP, I think you overreacted a bit, but I get why you were concerned (and this is the sort of thing my DH would do). I am TOTALLY with you on the immediate changing of pooey nappies, though, and somewhat surprised others aren't. Both my kids got nappy rash within minutes of sitting in a pooey nappy, to the point where my firstborn had blisters and bleeding in their nappy area because they pooed all the time and we couldn't always get to it fast enough.

What if he’d fainted again?