DH thinks I don’t trust him with DD - AIBU

[Newmummahumma]

So this is causing a big issue at the moment and I’m struggling to see beyond my own feelings.

DD is 10 weeks old, last night was my first night ‘out’ without DD and DH was doing the evening routine solo.

I got a message at 19:00 saying she was refusing her last bottle and was crying uncontrollably (she has started refusing to bottle feed from anyone other than me, which we had worked on before yesterday but clearly not enough!) so I called, asked to be put on speaker, sung a song and all was fine.

I then messaged half an hour later and asked if everything was ok. No reply. I then messaged at 20:00 and again no reply. I started to get worried at this point so called, no answer, I called every 10 mins and nothing.

DH is usually on call for his work in case of a security emergency so never has his phone on silent overnight, and has answered calls from alarm companies at 3am before so I was worried instead of assuming he was asleep.

I left early due to worry but as I was 2 hours away I then had an agonising train journey home, I was calling and calling, getting more and more worked up, my mum tried calling, people around me on the train even suggested calling the police to get them to do a welfare check as honestly I was thinking the worst (DH has high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate and nearly fainted a few weeks ago at home so I was worried something had happened to him)

I got home and he was asleep, phew. He woke up when I came in and saw all the calls and messages, he then accused me of not trusting him with DD, as if I did trust him I’d not be that worried.

My view is, I was worried about him more than her, and concerned he was incapacitated, not that he was going to do something to DD, or had fallen asleep with her on the sofa etc. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected him to send a quick message saying ‘she had her bottle, is asleep, I’m going to sleep now too’ we usually text goodnight when spending evenings apart so it was out of the norm to get nothing anyway. Plus this was my first night without her, of course I was going to be a bit anxious.

He is using the fact I mentioned trust being an issue when she was 2 weeks old, as confirmation of his views. He was really struggling to get his head around caring for a baby in the first couple of weeks and one day I snapped and said ‘how am I going to be able to go out by myself in future if I can’t trust you to change her nappy properly’ he now thinks that comment when she was 2 weeks old shows a pattern of distrust, whereas he actually has really stepped up since she was 2 weeks and found his feet, so I do now trust him whereas back then I don't think I would have left her with him for more than an hour or two.

This has of course now spiralled into a bigger issue so I wanted to see, before it gets worse whether I am being unreasonable here and should just apologise and stop this going further?

thank you for any comments or advice!

Neither of your covered yourselves in glory here. Recognise that having a new baby is very stressful, you are both tired, you are both learning and need to establish new patterns, and cut each other some slack and try to see the funny side. If you can do that, one day this will be a funny story to tell at her 22st birthday party. (If you can't, that's why so many marriages split up when people have very young children).

Nope, as if you had read the post he doesn’t sleep through calls and his phone wasn’t on DNd

If he wants to be trusted surely he could manage to work it out himself? He's a parent not a babysitter.

I mean you don't 'need' to change a baby when they're asleep! I certainly didn't. Who goes round waking up newborns?!

That's a personal parenting choice you made so YABU to say you couldn't trust him because of that.

Ahhh mine just silence's at my end

Jeepers. The baby has to get used to mum not being around too. That’s why she was crying and stopped when she heard her mum sing. It is perfectly normal for a parent to call the other so a baby/toddler can hear their voice on a night out. Especially when separation anxiety sets in at 6-10months.

The solution is to have a brief call, it’s not to ignore the baby’s needs.

Of course you do, maybe you can read up on the NHS guidelines for nappy changing! It’s not a personal parenting choice, it’s what is recommended by every midwife, HV, GP and the NHS website to do, as leaving them in their own shit isn’t good for their skin.

Unless you’re not aware that current guidance is to wake to feed every 2 hours for newborns too? So yes you do wake a sleeping baby.

I would be very annoyed if someone tried calling me repeatedly whilst putting baby to sleep. Phone would be on silent and I wouldn’t answer. And if I was home alone I’d probably have a nap too…
massive overreaction

I feel like you should apologise to your husband. You have massively overreacted and made him feel like a parental failure.

I agree, it’s kind of nasty OP that you characterised a different parenting approach that you not agree with how you did. Saying ‘I can’t trust you to change her nappy properly’ was quite mean. You can’t get into a pattern of your way is always the right way, and his way is always the wrong way and means he can’t be trusted.

Sounds like u r suffering from anxiety, such an over the go on reaction.
The natural thought would have been he fell asleep.
U talk about how incapable he is but then u left yr baby with him it doesn’t add up.

@Newmummahumma *Of course you do, maybe you can read up on the NHS guidelines for nappy changing! It’s not a personal parenting choice, it’s what is recommended by every midwife, HV, GP and the NHS website to do, as leaving them in their own shit isn’t good for their skin.

Unless you’re not aware that current guidance is to wake to feed every 2 hours for newborns too? So yes you do wake a sleeping baby.*

There will be plenty of times your baby isn’t changed immediately. If baby doesn’t wake and you are asleep how will you know if she poos?

The NHS is not to wake newborns every two hours unless there is a particular concern about the babies weight.

You sound very uncompromising and your way is gospel, I can see why your Dh feels you think he’s a shit parent and don’t trust him.

‘My’ way is the way the NHS, midwives, GPs and health visitors recommend.

It’s not a different approach, one of us is following the medical guidance given to us, the other is not, that’s in addition to not cleaning her properly (as he felt bad getting too close to her bits!)

With an attitude like that I’m not surprised he doesn’t believe you.

I see the problem here. You think you’re the superior parent 😂

Ignore the people saying you were being overly anxious. Your baby is 10 weeks old, it was the first time you'd left them so you were bound to be anxious from the get go. The fact that he didn't respond for so long would worry me too. I've had similar situations with my dh but thankfully he always got back to me fairly quickly. Agree with pp though, is it possible he did this deliberately to stop you from going out in future?

Either way you didn't over react. You clearly are a great mum and I would have done the same.

Oh how wrong you are.

General guidance is to wake to feed every 2 hours, and not to leave a baby under 2 weeks without a feed for more than 3 hours.

Once they have regained their birth weight (checked at 2 weeks) then you can increase this to every 4 hours. The NHS doesn’t advise letting a baby under 12 weeks go more than 4 hours without a feed.

maybe you can brush up on current guidance (I say current it’s been the same for the past couple of years at least) friends who had theirs 6 years ago were also told the same.

also to say it again, I do trust him. Read properly

Incorrect. You don’t wake a sleeping baby unless you are having issues with weight gain.

This has of course now spiralled into a bigger issue so I wanted to see, before it gets worse whether I am being unreasonable here and should just apologise and stop this going further?

Regardless of who's at fault, why would you want to keep it going? You say you do trust him now he's stepped up and passed the mark you've set for him. (I do think you do sound a bit patronising, sorry.) And you did overreact. But then he did wind you up not answering the phone - although that might not have been deliberate.

The baby's only 10 weeks. You've got a long time ahead of you and, trust me, this is very minor comparedcwith other things that will happen. You're both just doing your best. I'd just knock it on the head and move on.

Nope, I just follow medical advice regarding proper care for a newborn. He also didn’t clean her properly as felt bad going too close to her bits! As I said, this has resolved but back at 2 weeks not many would have trusted him with a baby!

I can't believe people are attacking the OP for a slightly poor choice of words once when she had a two week old baby.

Anyway, as far as this incident is concerned, yes you did overreact, but if it's the first time you've been away from your baby it is understandable. Maybe let your partner know you want to try smaller steps (i.e. you away but closer by) and it's about your emotions not about lack of trust in him.

The tone of your messages to others who don’t agree with you suggests that you don’t trust your husband.

It’s also incredibly patronising to keep telling him how well he’s doing being a dad. No wonder he doesn’t believe that you trust him.

Doesn’t seem like he gets much time to spend with the baby on his own either. No wonder he’s not impressed. What will you do if he has enough of feeling like he’s not trusted and leaves you?

Calling every 10 minutes is a huge overreaction as was telling everyone on the train.

I don’t want to keep this going, but it’s spiralled from this one issue into a wider parenting argument, hence wanting to know at this stage whether I just need to apologise and move on or whether I am right in wanting him to not do this again when I go out.

as if I apologise but ask him to do it differently next time it’s quite obvious it’s not a genuine apology

Oh feel free to link this universal advice for all babies regardless of weight issues?

You sound incredibly patronising and naive. No wonder your husband is fed up. I imagine this issue between you will only get worse.

I’ve had 2 babies in 2.5 years and not one midwife, HV or GP told me to wake them to feed. No one in either of my nct groups were instructed to do this except one mother who’s child had very bad jaundice.

You were worried that your DH has a condition that made him faint a couple of weeks ago and yet you left a 10 week old baby in his care and went somewhere 2 hours away? Maybe that accounts for your overreaction. Seems to me, you knew it wasn't such a good idea.
He sounds like a hands on dad doing his best and you need to build some bridges, begin trusting each other a bit more and be less critical of his efforts. And as someone else has said, enjoy your nights out somewhere closer.

I don’t want to keep this going, but it’s spiralled from this one issue into a wider parenting argument, hence wanting to know at this stage whether I just need to apologise and move on or whether I am right in wanting him to not do this again when I go out.

Apologise and move on. We've all had the anxiety of having a newborn baby but it's a fine line between following guidance and being a preachy parent to your other half.

Rules can be useful but taking a more pragmatic, alternative approach at times isn't necessarily wrong either.