DH thinks I don’t trust him with DD - AIBU

[Newmummahumma]

So this is causing a big issue at the moment and I’m struggling to see beyond my own feelings.

DD is 10 weeks old, last night was my first night ‘out’ without DD and DH was doing the evening routine solo.

I got a message at 19:00 saying she was refusing her last bottle and was crying uncontrollably (she has started refusing to bottle feed from anyone other than me, which we had worked on before yesterday but clearly not enough!) so I called, asked to be put on speaker, sung a song and all was fine.

I then messaged half an hour later and asked if everything was ok. No reply. I then messaged at 20:00 and again no reply. I started to get worried at this point so called, no answer, I called every 10 mins and nothing.

DH is usually on call for his work in case of a security emergency so never has his phone on silent overnight, and has answered calls from alarm companies at 3am before so I was worried instead of assuming he was asleep.

I left early due to worry but as I was 2 hours away I then had an agonising train journey home, I was calling and calling, getting more and more worked up, my mum tried calling, people around me on the train even suggested calling the police to get them to do a welfare check as honestly I was thinking the worst (DH has high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate and nearly fainted a few weeks ago at home so I was worried something had happened to him)

I got home and he was asleep, phew. He woke up when I came in and saw all the calls and messages, he then accused me of not trusting him with DD, as if I did trust him I’d not be that worried.

My view is, I was worried about him more than her, and concerned he was incapacitated, not that he was going to do something to DD, or had fallen asleep with her on the sofa etc. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected him to send a quick message saying ‘she had her bottle, is asleep, I’m going to sleep now too’ we usually text goodnight when spending evenings apart so it was out of the norm to get nothing anyway. Plus this was my first night without her, of course I was going to be a bit anxious.

He is using the fact I mentioned trust being an issue when she was 2 weeks old, as confirmation of his views. He was really struggling to get his head around caring for a baby in the first couple of weeks and one day I snapped and said ‘how am I going to be able to go out by myself in future if I can’t trust you to change her nappy properly’ he now thinks that comment when she was 2 weeks old shows a pattern of distrust, whereas he actually has really stepped up since she was 2 weeks and found his feet, so I do now trust him whereas back then I don't think I would have left her with him for more than an hour or two.

This has of course now spiralled into a bigger issue so I wanted to see, before it gets worse whether I am being unreasonable here and should just apologise and stop this going further?

thank you for any comments or advice!

If op truly believed he was likely to have a medical emergency again what the hell was she doing a 2 hour train ride away with no back up to actually Check on him with a 10week old.

BlackPhillipsCheese
I agree. Did it not occur to you that he was asleep?

Nope, as if you had read the post he doesn’t sleep through calls and his phone wasn’t on DNd

But he does sleep through his calls - which he did that night. Has that literally never happened in his life until then?

If you talk to your husband around parenting as you have to PPs on this thread, OP, then I'm not surprised he feels you don't trust him/might be feeling defensive.
You really don't seem as though you think you're being unreasonable, so don't apologise.
Just move on and maybe agree some communication 'ground rules' next time you go out.

OP I think just tell him the truth when things have calmed down in the morning. Say you really do trust him, that TBH you were worried about him initially e.g. with the nappies but he's shown you you were wrong to think that way and so you are perfectly comfortable leaving DD with him. If you weren't you wouldn't have gone out 2h away. But when he didn’t answer the phone which is very unusual for him his health scare came into your mind and you panicked. Assuming he responds well to this then you can add at some point that he can help you manage your fears by doing his normal thing and messaging you to say he's going to sleep etc.

If it makes you feel any better it is very normal with young babies to catastrophise, apparently our brains deliberately are wired to do this so we are prepared for dangerous scenarios and can protect our children.

What if the house had set on fire? What if someone had broken in and kidnapped them? What if a photo frame had fallen off the wall and knocked them both out?

If OP truly thought he was not medically fit to have been left looking after the baby then she shouldn’t have gone on a two hour journey away.

Completely OTT

But then reading you subsequent posts and replies to others it's clear that is an intrinsic part of your personality.

BTW it's fine to let baby sleep and various NHS websites agree

Ah I feel so sorry for you. I know it's not right and due to anxiety but honestly I think I'd have been exactly the same.

It was your first night away from the baby so no wonder you were on edge. However I can see from his point of view why he would feel you didn't trust him.

Maybe just reiterate that it wasn't due to trust but simply anxiety for him and your baby and hopefully he will understand.

I struggled loads when my first was born and wouldn't leave him at all so you have my sympathies.!

I don't think either of you are unreasonable per se

Oh do piss off. She has a 10 week old baby she left for the first time. I'd be concerned if she wasn't a little anxious! This is totally normal. Do not pathologise a perfectly normal maternal reaction because you fancy being unpleasant and judgmental. If someone sought therapy from me for this I would send them away after normalising their response.

Midwife here. Current NHS guidance in the absence of weight or blood sugar concerns is to feed responsively - i.e. when either the baby signals she is hungry, thirsty or needing comfort (and she will wake if this is the case), or, if breastfeeding, you need to empty your breasts. There is no need to wake a healthy, full term baby with no underlying conditions to feed her.
Regarding nappy changes, babies are all different in terms of how sensitive their skin is, and poos are all different, influenced by whether baby is EBF / having formula / has a stomach bug / has had antibiotics etc. There is no specific guidance on how soon you have to change a nappy, although common sense would suggest that regularly waking a baby to change them is likely to be stressful for all parties, and regularly leaving them in soiled nappies increases the chance of nappy rash.

All was fine and then for some reason, you started ringing him over and over and rushed home and started telling strangers on the train about it? Obviously you've been unreasonable here. Completely.

The only unreasonable bit on his part was ringing you when he couldn't settle the baby. Not sure what he wanted you to do while you were out!

But you didn't half make a song and dance about nothing. Of course he might fall asleep in the evening with a baby. I'm confused as to why you didn't just leave them alone completely.

Your upset is understandable, you're full or hormones, you left baby for the first time, you wanted to call and check and he didn't answer.

So I think he should apologise for not picking up when it's perfectly normal for you to call home.

Clarify to him that it isn't about you not trusting him, it's about you missing baby and just wanting to be told she was OK, which is perfectly normal and then when he didn't reply it escalated in your mind.

If he's being a dick, prove you trust him by going out all weekend

You think he should apologise for being asleep? Christ!

Sorry OP I think YABU. I think you should apologise.

YANBU to have worried but the dramatics of ringing him constantly and considering ringing the police was a bit much. If I was him I would he thinking maybe you didn't trust me.

I honestly can't believe your comments on here about the nappies.... How many people did something wrong in the first 2 - 3 weeks?? I am one! It's a learning process even if you have read every book or manual or GUIDANCE under the sun. (note it's a guideline, not a rule book)!

Hm, first of all I can understand how you feel about him being uncontactable. Especially with the background you have given about him usually having his phone on for work purposes. I would have also been concerned about this.
I also think it's a little odd that he had to call you about DD being upset and not taking her bottle. I can't imagine my husband ever doing this! If he did, well then perhaps I wouldn't trust him to look after her if he didn't have enough experience of settling his own daughter.
I'm also completely with you on the nappy changes when sleeping and I would have commented similar to my husband in that situation.
The part I'm a bit lost on is the way you are stating the NHS guidance about this and about feeding. I had a baby a few months ago and was never once told to feed every two hours, I was told it was every three to four hours right from birth. My DD also slept fairly well at night from 6 weeks onwards and by 9 weeks was sleeping through 9 hours. No way was I waking her for feeds every 4 hours until 12 weeks. So in that sense if you are extremely rigid about rules, I can see how your DH is going to feel he isn't meeting your parenting expectations.

I was never told to wake a sleeping baby, I would hate to be woken so wouldn't inflict that on a baby

You really are coming across as having lots of issues, and it is not your dh

I had a baby last year and the advice was to change and feed every 3 hours through the night until the weight was up.

You’re both first time parents and they’ll be things you both need to figure out. So he didn’t know how to wipe a girl properly. You are also completely wrong about waking to feed and changing nappies is just a matter of opinion unless baby has nappy rash. I can definitely promise you that these won’t be the last things either of you get wrong and it will destroy your relationship if you can’t learn to trust him and if you can’t accept that your way isn’t the only way.

All he did that night was fall asleep, unsurprisingly because newborns are exhausting. You massively overreacted, but I get it was anxiety. If you weren’t quite ready for a night away yet and if you made a mistake going so far from home then that’s not in anyway his fault though so I think you owe him a big apology. Maybe next time try the local pub for an hour or 2.

Most babies regain their birth weight within the first two weeks. So that isn’t very long at all - certainly not 10 weeks.

I'd have been exactly the same as you OP, I don't even think it's an anxiety thing, surely anyone would be worried leaving a 10 week old for the very first time. But I do think it's quite strange that you chose to go out somewhere that is 2 hours away for your first time.

I dont actually think op needs to apologise, he was struggling with the baby then instead of sending a quick text saying baby asleep all good he took the unusual and out of character step of ignoring his phone the OP was clear he never sleeps through his phone and he has been ill recently so instead of thinking it's fine everything is fiiiiinnee and continuing with her night she came home

Personally I don't think for one minute he slept through all those calls I used to call this outstretched hand/closed fist basically your offered the night out he wants you to go etc (outstretched hand of generosity) but you pay for it by drama not answering phones manufacturers arguments etc (closed fist)

I'm not saying this is what's happening but be away public generosity isn't always private goodwill

He is using the fact I mentioned trust being an issue when she was 2 weeks old, as confirmation of his views. He was really struggling to get his head around caring for a baby in the first couple of weeks and one day I snapped and said ‘how am I going to be able to go out by myself in future if I can’t trust you to change her nappy properly’ he now thinks that comment when she was 2 weeks old shows a pattern of distrust, whereas he actually has really stepped up since she was 2 weeks and found his feet, so I do now trust him whereas back then I don't think I would have left her with him for more than an hour or two.

This would have upset me if DH had said it to me. At 2 weeks you were both finding your feet with DD, how would you have felt if he'd have said it to you at that time? Then you did show lack of trust with your reaction on the train etc. I can see why he's upset, just because he's the dad doesn't mean he's more secure of confident as a parent than you are and your comment is obviously in his mind. I think you should acknowledge how he felt and apologize.

In sorry you can't have it all ways away you don't trust him then a few weeks later disappear over 2 hours away weird. Anyhow let him bond sounds like he doesn't get much time with baby and you get loads. He is the dad after all so you gotta trust him. Calling to settle little one is not a trust issue for goodness sake all children have there preferences sometimes and just takes the other parents voice to reassure and settle a baby. You were wrong to keep calling he would have called if he needed anything more. The decent thing would be to apologise and praise him for doing a good job.

You need to apologise, make that apology genuine and work together to raise your daughter.

Please stop quoting from the NHS link website to parents who have raised a number of healthy children. My daughter was EBF and we’re almost readmitted as she lost 12.4% of birth weight - I was told not to let her go more than three hours but only for that period. Once back on track its no problem. Your point was that he didn’t think she should be woken for a nappy change - that is the point many people have a different opinion and instinct on. People are allowed to have different views!

I personally don't understand why you would leave your baby, alone, with anyone who has a health condition that leaves them prone to fainting, and who nearly fainted quite recently...