DH thinks I don’t trust him with DD - AIBU

[Newmummahumma]

So this is causing a big issue at the moment and I’m struggling to see beyond my own feelings.

DD is 10 weeks old, last night was my first night ‘out’ without DD and DH was doing the evening routine solo.

I got a message at 19:00 saying she was refusing her last bottle and was crying uncontrollably (she has started refusing to bottle feed from anyone other than me, which we had worked on before yesterday but clearly not enough!) so I called, asked to be put on speaker, sung a song and all was fine.

I then messaged half an hour later and asked if everything was ok. No reply. I then messaged at 20:00 and again no reply. I started to get worried at this point so called, no answer, I called every 10 mins and nothing.

DH is usually on call for his work in case of a security emergency so never has his phone on silent overnight, and has answered calls from alarm companies at 3am before so I was worried instead of assuming he was asleep.

I left early due to worry but as I was 2 hours away I then had an agonising train journey home, I was calling and calling, getting more and more worked up, my mum tried calling, people around me on the train even suggested calling the police to get them to do a welfare check as honestly I was thinking the worst (DH has high blood pressure and an elevated heart rate and nearly fainted a few weeks ago at home so I was worried something had happened to him)

I got home and he was asleep, phew. He woke up when I came in and saw all the calls and messages, he then accused me of not trusting him with DD, as if I did trust him I’d not be that worried.

My view is, I was worried about him more than her, and concerned he was incapacitated, not that he was going to do something to DD, or had fallen asleep with her on the sofa etc. And I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have expected him to send a quick message saying ‘she had her bottle, is asleep, I’m going to sleep now too’ we usually text goodnight when spending evenings apart so it was out of the norm to get nothing anyway. Plus this was my first night without her, of course I was going to be a bit anxious.

He is using the fact I mentioned trust being an issue when she was 2 weeks old, as confirmation of his views. He was really struggling to get his head around caring for a baby in the first couple of weeks and one day I snapped and said ‘how am I going to be able to go out by myself in future if I can’t trust you to change her nappy properly’ he now thinks that comment when she was 2 weeks old shows a pattern of distrust, whereas he actually has really stepped up since she was 2 weeks and found his feet, so I do now trust him whereas back then I don't think I would have left her with him for more than an hour or two.

This has of course now spiralled into a bigger issue so I wanted to see, before it gets worse whether I am being unreasonable here and should just apologise and stop this going further?

thank you for any comments or advice!

No strong views either way on who is being unreasonable.

What I do think is unreasonable is posting on AIBU if you aren't willing to consider whether or not you are being unreasonable.

Think there needs to be a new board called "please only post if you agree I am being reasonable". Or maybe "the echo chamber".

You wildly over-reacted but you have a 10 week old, it won't always be easy for either of you to have proportional reactions to things. I was foaming at the mouth, muttering under my breath at people walking within half a metre of me when I had my baby in a sling when he was 10 weeks old, proper unhinged levels of anger and worry that someone would, I dunno, crush him? Your sense of things that could be dangerous is turned up to 13 right now. I think you should apologise but he should also be understanding of your fear in the moment. And you can both then laugh about this in approx 5 years

You say he has "stepped up", does that actually mean he is just doing everything the way you want it to be done? You do seem very black & white re: the guidelines. But guidelines are just guidelines. They are there to help guide people until they find what works for them. They aren't supposed to replace instinct and common sense. They aren't supposed to cover every circumstance.

Your insistence on adhering to them must be very stressful for you all. I imagine he's feeling constantly watched, and his parenting scrutinised, so it's no wonder he feels this incident is you showing your distrust.

Don't post on AIBU unless you are prepared to be told you are unreasonable.

You were unreasonable with your dh and you're being unreasonable on this thread. HTH

This

When I was a new mum i was obsessed with meeting every guideline. Its how i controlled intrusive thoughts. Like how if I did everything by the books I would be safe and bad things might not happen. Is there any chance you could be experiencing anxiety and controlling it in the same way?.

The poor guy just went to bed!

Thank God you didn't actually call the police though!

This is just typical baby arguments. We all had them with our partners for one reason or another.

You're both shattered, emotional and grouchy.

My advice is to just learn to move on. I found the silly baby-based arguments decreased around the 2 year mark.

@Newmummahumma I think you're getting a ridiculously hard time in here.

I think the nearly collapsing the other day, you worrying about him when he's caring for her, on top of not really knowing what he was doing at the start has dented his male ego. And perhaps tapped into his own fears a little about something happening.

I'd just remind him you love HIM too, you worry about HIM too, his health and wellbeing are important to you just for who he is to you, as wen as well he is too her.

Take it in turns each night todo bedtime routine bath bottle bed my guess is you do it every night baby needs to get used to him doing it so you don't need to phone and sing her to sleep. I can understand why he feels upset you rushed home because you needed to check up on them does sound d like you font trust him with her.

Slightly off topic, but Do Not Disturb has been mentioned a lot on this thread, and most posters have it wrong. Setting Do Not Disturb on your phone will only divert the first call from a particular number. On almost every phone, subsequent calls from the same number, particularly in a short time period, will cause the phone to ring as it then assumes the call is important enough to need answering. Calling every 10 minutes, the way the OP did, would definitely get through.

I didn’t have it wrong when I mentioned it. I have an iPhone and DND is fully customisable and yes I can block unlimited repeat calls that come in during my DND schedule. So, for everyone with iPhones calling every ten minutes as Op did would not get through at all unless her DH had customised DND to allow her number through on the nth call.

I think others are being harsh here. You’re a new Mum, baby is still very small and this was your first time away so that’s always anxiety inducing. He called you because he was struggling and then when you checked in on him later he wouldn’t respond. I’d probably panic too tbh, I think a lot of Mum’s would especially with such a small baby.

Just a gentle reminder that your opinion isn't a fact. I don't think she was unreasonable at all. Given the recent collapsing, the fact that he'd phoned her struggling and it was her first time leaving the still very tiny baby, I can totally see why she panicked and would have done the same.

I can guarantee if she'd posted saying "I'm a two hour car journey away from my 10 week old baby, dh is struggling and has health issues and now isn't responding to my calls, what shall I do?" the over arching message would have been to go home or get the police to do a welfare check. People just like to stick the boot in on AIBU. It's very dull.

HTH.

Well, yes if the OP had left out many critical details she might have had a different reaction. That doesn’t prove people with a different opinion from you “just like to stick the boot in” though does it?

@HadalyEve well let's be honest, some people just like to be twats for the sake of it on AIBU. And on here in general I'm finding more and more. They will argue the toss over anything. It's depressing. People are allowed to have their own opinions of course but speaking as though they are a fact - I.e "op you were unreasonable then and you are unreasonable now" - shows embarrassing levels of arrogance.

"op you were unreasonable then and you are unreasonable now" - shows embarrassing levels of arrogance.

The forum is called "Am I Being Unreasonable" because we are supposed to say whether we think the OP is being unreasonable! What do you expect?

"I think you are being unreasonable" would be a more sensible alternative.

What a good point - it would be nice if Mumsnet could change the name of this board to DYTIABU.

Appropriate responses going forward are ITYABU and IDNTYABU.