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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with DH - giving him silent treatment from this morning

122 replies

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:22

Name change for this as it may be outing.

im probably being childish and unreasonable but I have ignored DH this morning as I went to bed with him annoyed.

his sister is pregnant with her first baby and DH has known about it for 3 months. All the siblings knew, including the other two brothers wives. PILs obviously knew. my SIL had announced this to them when she had come to visit. I hadn’t been there so I wasn’t informed. No one mentioned it to me either. DH kept it tight to his chest.

I actually found out from his cousins two weeks ago. We were at a family gathering and SIL told the cousins who mentioned it to me at the same party. When SIL realised they had told me, she came to tell me herself. I congratulated her etc. at this point I didn’t know DH knew. I assumed she had just made the announcement that day.

that evening excitedly I mentioned it to DH and asked if he knew, he said no and that was that.

the next day my BILs wife mentioned to me that DH had known for months, alongside her and the rest of the family.

I know it’s not a big deal but I’m annoyed about why DH lied to my face about not knowing when infact he had known for month. I was clearly excluded for whatever reason.

its not the first time I’ve been ‘left out’ of news or have heard it from others and I usually brush it off, as my in-laws aren’t huge fans of me as I wasn’t their choice for my DH. They wanted an arranged marriage for him. Despite this, we’re polite and cordial, we see each other regularly but there have been many times where I’m not included.
the family has a WhatsApp group chat with all the other SILs and BILs but I’m not in it. Again it’s not a big deal.

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason. He then reported this back to my PILs who seemed to have taken it out of context. I saw this yesterday since this party 10 days ago, so they mentioned it to me last night. I explained I wasn’t annoyed about finding out last, and I didn’t give it a second thought since that day.

DH is infertile so we don’t have any children and I feel they now think I’m bitter about my SIL being pregnant 1 month after marriage (we’re Asian and Muslims) when that’s not the case.

DH doesn’t understand my annoyance about this whole thing.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 13:25

Shocked u r so bothered, he didn’t think it was worth mentioning I so didn’t, and forgot he knew as he wasn’t interested.

OrlandointheWilderness · 04/05/2023 13:27

Maybe he didn't want to tell you potentially upsetting news if you can't have children together.

ClarissaExplainsSome · 04/05/2023 13:27

How do you feel about not having children with DH? If it's been difficult maybe he didn't want to upset you... or maybe the news upset him?

TheFlis12345 · 04/05/2023 13:28

Perhaps he thought it would upset you (and maybe it upset him) as it sounds like children are not in your future? Either way, silent treatment is at best childish and at worst abusive.

OliveWah · 04/05/2023 13:28

Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive and childish. If you're unhappy, try talking to your DH about it, rather than ignoring him.

Oopsididitagain18 · 04/05/2023 13:29

I do think it’s a big deal the way your in laws treat you and I am sorry you are treated this way.

SometimesMaybe · 04/05/2023 13:29

That was really awful of him. He/they clearly don’t see you as part of the family. Whats the excuse as to why you aren’t you on the family what’s app?

NewIdeasToday · 04/05/2023 13:29

I agree with the last poster. However you both feel about this it’s better to have an adult conversation. Silent treatment is just childish. And maybe an indication of why he didn’t raise this in the first place.

Lockheart · 04/05/2023 13:29

It wasn't his news to tell. The silent treatment is an extremely unhealthy way of behaving.

It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling go understand why you have this toxic behaviour pattern and to address it.

Bobshhh · 04/05/2023 13:29

I didn’t know about my sister in laws pregnancy until she announced more widely. My husband knew for weeks. I cannot imagine being bothered to the point of silent treatment over this!

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 04/05/2023 13:30

I'd be mad too. If you'd asked and he'd said yes but I was asked not to say anything until further along then fine, its the lying.

You know his family don't like you, you know what treatment you're going to get. You also know your DH isn't going to take your side. You know all this and you're still there. You either know this, decide to stay and you're accepting it. Or you can decide this isn't what you want from your life and leave.

AlisonDonut · 04/05/2023 13:30

I think you are going to have a rocky life if every time your husband keeps something from you, when you know he keeps things from you, and you know that the family doesn't like you, you behave like this.

You need to come to terms with this issue, and accept that they are like this, and don't let it upset you every time.

Nothing you do is going to change them.

readbooksdrinktea · 04/05/2023 13:30

That's abusive and childish. Maybe he didn't want to bring it up. You both need to communicate better. But YABU for silent treatment.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 04/05/2023 13:31

Does he have form for lying or is this a one-off?

Are you happy with him generally?

Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:37

I’m not bothered about DH not telling me as I accept it wasn’t his news to tell. I got over that part pretty quickly. I even went to visit SIL the next day and gave her a present.

What bothered me when I asked him if he knew, he said no. His SIL then told me the next day the whole family were told together. And I was the only one who hadn’t known for months.

He didn’t need to lie to me did he? If he had known for months he could have said yes I knew but wasn’t sure if it was my place to say. Why deny it?

He then went and told his PILs that we had an argument about it.

The reason why I’m remaining silent is because I feel if I express myself anymore about this he’ll go running to them again and I just can’t be bothered with it. I do accept it’s not nice and I shouldn’t have ignored him.

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:39

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 04/05/2023 13:31

Does he have form for lying or is this a one-off?

Are you happy with him generally?

It’s definitely not a one off. He lies a lot when it comes to his parents and that ‘household’. Everything is top secret from me for no real reason. Well the reason being I wasn’t their choice and the other DILs are either relatives or arranged marriages.

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:40

SometimesMaybe · 04/05/2023 13:29

That was really awful of him. He/they clearly don’t see you as part of the family. Whats the excuse as to why you aren’t you on the family what’s app?

His excuse is he’s not the admin. His brother and sister are the admins of that family group chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:41

ClarissaExplainsSome · 04/05/2023 13:27

How do you feel about not having children with DH? If it's been difficult maybe he didn't want to upset you... or maybe the news upset him?

I knew about his infertility from the first time we met. It doesn’t bother me. I was happy to spend my life with him without children. It still doesn’t bother.

OP posts:
Gymtastic · 04/05/2023 13:42

The silent treatment is quite abusive and very immature, if you’ve an issue discuss it like an adult. He may have been struggling with his own feeling round his own infertility.

Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:43

Oopsididitagain18 · 04/05/2023 13:29

I do think it’s a big deal the way your in laws treat you and I am sorry you are treated this way.

I’ve learnt to ignore it - kinda. The wider in-laws love me and show me all the time I’m a respected and valued member of the family.

OP posts:
Valour · 04/05/2023 13:44

You're not unreasonable to be upset, although it may have been your DH trying to spare your feelings. However, silent treatment is unfair and abusive. You seriously need to work on your communication skills.

bringincrazyback · 04/05/2023 13:45

OP I can totally understand why you feel aggrieved, but I voted YABU as the silent treatment is a really immature way to 'deal' with marital strife. It accomplishes precisely nothing. I've been subjected to it myself in the past and consider it a form of emotional abuse.

YouAreNotBatman · 04/05/2023 13:46

Can’t imagine caring about someone’s pregnancy this much tbh…

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 13:47

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason.

There’s no ‘naturally’ about it. This isn’t a typical reaction to something like that. The SIL can share or not share her pregnancy news with whoever she wants.
Giving your husband the silent treatment over information you have no entitlement to know is ridiculous.

Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:47

Valour · 04/05/2023 13:44

You're not unreasonable to be upset, although it may have been your DH trying to spare your feelings. However, silent treatment is unfair and abusive. You seriously need to work on your communication skills.

You’re right. Giving the silent treatment wasn’t the right thing to do.

OP posts: