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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed with DH - giving him silent treatment from this morning

122 replies

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:22

Name change for this as it may be outing.

im probably being childish and unreasonable but I have ignored DH this morning as I went to bed with him annoyed.

his sister is pregnant with her first baby and DH has known about it for 3 months. All the siblings knew, including the other two brothers wives. PILs obviously knew. my SIL had announced this to them when she had come to visit. I hadn’t been there so I wasn’t informed. No one mentioned it to me either. DH kept it tight to his chest.

I actually found out from his cousins two weeks ago. We were at a family gathering and SIL told the cousins who mentioned it to me at the same party. When SIL realised they had told me, she came to tell me herself. I congratulated her etc. at this point I didn’t know DH knew. I assumed she had just made the announcement that day.

that evening excitedly I mentioned it to DH and asked if he knew, he said no and that was that.

the next day my BILs wife mentioned to me that DH had known for months, alongside her and the rest of the family.

I know it’s not a big deal but I’m annoyed about why DH lied to my face about not knowing when infact he had known for month. I was clearly excluded for whatever reason.

its not the first time I’ve been ‘left out’ of news or have heard it from others and I usually brush it off, as my in-laws aren’t huge fans of me as I wasn’t their choice for my DH. They wanted an arranged marriage for him. Despite this, we’re polite and cordial, we see each other regularly but there have been many times where I’m not included.
the family has a WhatsApp group chat with all the other SILs and BILs but I’m not in it. Again it’s not a big deal.

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason. He then reported this back to my PILs who seemed to have taken it out of context. I saw this yesterday since this party 10 days ago, so they mentioned it to me last night. I explained I wasn’t annoyed about finding out last, and I didn’t give it a second thought since that day.

DH is infertile so we don’t have any children and I feel they now think I’m bitter about my SIL being pregnant 1 month after marriage (we’re Asian and Muslims) when that’s not the case.

DH doesn’t understand my annoyance about this whole thing.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 04/05/2023 14:47

Knowing what they're like already it shouldn't have come as a huge surprise that you'd been excluded again.
Not unreasonable to feel hurt though. Try not to take it to heart and put it down to experience.

ThingsthatgoBumpintheDay · 04/05/2023 14:51

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:37

I’m not bothered about DH not telling me as I accept it wasn’t his news to tell. I got over that part pretty quickly. I even went to visit SIL the next day and gave her a present.

What bothered me when I asked him if he knew, he said no. His SIL then told me the next day the whole family were told together. And I was the only one who hadn’t known for months.

He didn’t need to lie to me did he? If he had known for months he could have said yes I knew but wasn’t sure if it was my place to say. Why deny it?

He then went and told his PILs that we had an argument about it.

The reason why I’m remaining silent is because I feel if I express myself anymore about this he’ll go running to them again and I just can’t be bothered with it. I do accept it’s not nice and I shouldn’t have ignored him.

I see what you mean, I would be put out at the fact all the Sister in Laws are included in a group chat but not you. That’s really spiteful if they’ve purposely left you out & your Husband if he knows & hasn’t said nothing then he’s as spiteful as them.

I don’t think him not going out of his way to tell you is a big deal but I can see what you mean when you asked him if he knew & he said no. Is there some sort of past argument you have all had for them to exclude you?

Silent treatment won’t solve anything btw it’ll just prolong the argument. Sit down & go over how you feel, tell him how it makes you feel about being excluded. He really should be asking his family why they exclude you if there’s no reason not too.

Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 14:54

Ever since he lied to me about not knowing and then being told by his cousin and SIL that he did know it had made me think about my marriage to him.

We have no children so it will be just me and him. However I feel like I am last on his list.

I’ve just been thinking about all the times he’s out his family first. Or been shitty to me because of them.

One time my dad was planning on visiting as he was passing through - he lives 3 hours away. So I said I’d make dinner and he can eat here before carrying on with his journey. DH had the car that day and was at his parents house when I called him asking if he could nip to the shops for me. Instead he started to mow their grass and didn’t come home 4 hours later.

When one of my siblings died, we went together, again 3 hours away, but he didn’t stay and said he’d be back the next morning as he had to drop his brother off to work. Non of his siblings came to the funeral whereas their cousins did.

When his Aunty died and the funeral was 2 hours away, there was no room for me in OUR CAR as his sisters and SILs had no one to lose to go with. They were blood related to to this Aunty so a decision was made without me to go.

Then this pregnancy thing.

I could go on and on but there have been so many incidents when I think back.

apart from these things we’ve had no problems. We have a nice home, he’s financially responsible, gives me an allowance even though I work full time too, we go out together, nice holidays, nice everything else.

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 04/05/2023 14:54

Don’t subject people to the silent treatment. It’s adult sulking, pretty abusive to be on the receiving end of and offers no possibility of sorting the issue out. Behave like an adult.

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 14:58

OP,

What in gods name had you marry this lying mummys boy?

His family don't want you and he goes running to them.

You can't have children which isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't be giving up so muvh for this weak liar.

You have chosen really really poorly and it s not clear why.

I think you have an awful life ahead of you and I'm wondering why?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/05/2023 14:58

Come on @annoyedwife2023 He. Doesn't. Have. Your. Back. Your life partner should have your back at the very least. You are worth so much more than this.
By the way, you are still going to get the idiots/sheep rocking up and focusing on what YOU have done wrong unable or unwilling to understand. Tune them out.

Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 15:01

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 14:58

OP,

What in gods name had you marry this lying mummys boy?

His family don't want you and he goes running to them.

You can't have children which isn't for everyone, but I wouldn't be giving up so muvh for this weak liar.

You have chosen really really poorly and it s not clear why.

I think you have an awful life ahead of you and I'm wondering why?

I didn’t know his family properly before marriage. He never painted himself to be so attached to them either. Kept that part of him pretty hidden. I mean in our culture it’s somewhat normal to be really involved with siblings and parents, but I’ve not come from this sort of background myself so at first I thought it was just the way their family is.

I’ve been here for 4 years now so yeah it’s getting a bit much now. Everytime I’ve said anything about his family to him he’s gone back and reported it.

OP posts:
Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 15:07

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2023 14:12

He lies all the time and goes running to his parents to tell on you when you fall out.

Small wonder they don't like you, your husband is doing his utmost to ensure they detest you and don't consider you part of their family and feel sorry for their spineless son.

I'm from the same religion and culture as you. I've seen abusive husbands do this, in order to control the narrative and make themselves out to be the poor hard done by one to their family and the world whilst you're painted as the harpy.

I wouldn't speak to him either and consider what my future will be like being married to a liar who does not have my back and spends his energies demonising me to his family. You could do so much better.

Yep because I’m having to explain myself to them when I’m called out on my ‘bad behaviour’ because they’ve never had anyone question the shitty things they do.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 04/05/2023 15:09

He’s not behaving like an adult by “telling on you” to his parents.

Original poster
annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 15:09

ThingsthatgoBumpintheDay · 04/05/2023 14:51

I see what you mean, I would be put out at the fact all the Sister in Laws are included in a group chat but not you. That’s really spiteful if they’ve purposely left you out & your Husband if he knows & hasn’t said nothing then he’s as spiteful as them.

I don’t think him not going out of his way to tell you is a big deal but I can see what you mean when you asked him if he knew & he said no. Is there some sort of past argument you have all had for them to exclude you?

Silent treatment won’t solve anything btw it’ll just prolong the argument. Sit down & go over how you feel, tell him how it makes you feel about being excluded. He really should be asking his family why they exclude you if there’s no reason not too.

Show quote history

I tried to explain my feelings last night, after PILs questioned me about the argument we had 9/10 days ago. He was trying to make a joke out of it, brushing it off, wanting to go to bed. Dismissed what I was saying and feeling so that’s why I shut him down with the silent treatment.

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 04/05/2023 15:13

So if the convo had gone...
You: "did you know"
DH: "yes I've known for months"
What would your response have been?

Skydome · 04/05/2023 15:14

The silent treatment is abusive

LookItsMeAgain · 04/05/2023 15:18

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:40

His excuse is he’s not the admin. His brother and sister are the admins of that family group chat.

Show quote history

Do you have their numbers? Can you contact them on a personal chat WhatsApp and ask to be added to the group yourself? Not that you should have to but at least if they come out and give you a definitive no, you'll know where you stand with his siblings and you can just recuse yourself from any family interaction at all where his side are concerned.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2023 15:19

Oopsididitagain18 · 04/05/2023 13:29

I do think it’s a big deal the way your in laws treat you and I am sorry you are treated this way.

I agree

shivawn · 04/05/2023 15:20

I couldn't be with someone who resorts to silent treatment after an argument. Communication is everything in a healthy relationship.

Anoooshka · 04/05/2023 15:21

Your marriage sounds incredibly stressful and unhappy, no matter how many nice holidays you've had.

You could have all the nice things you mentioned AND have a nice husband who'll stick up for you and support you. After all, isn't that what spouses are for?

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2023 15:22

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 14:54

Ever since he lied to me about not knowing and then being told by his cousin and SIL that he did know it had made me think about my marriage to him.

We have no children so it will be just me and him. However I feel like I am last on his list.

I’ve just been thinking about all the times he’s out his family first. Or been shitty to me because of them.

One time my dad was planning on visiting as he was passing through - he lives 3 hours away. So I said I’d make dinner and he can eat here before carrying on with his journey. DH had the car that day and was at his parents house when I called him asking if he could nip to the shops for me. Instead he started to mow their grass and didn’t come home 4 hours later.

When one of my siblings died, we went together, again 3 hours away, but he didn’t stay and said he’d be back the next morning as he had to drop his brother off to work. Non of his siblings came to the funeral whereas their cousins did.

When his Aunty died and the funeral was 2 hours away, there was no room for me in OUR CAR as his sisters and SILs had no one to lose to go with. They were blood related to to this Aunty so a decision was made without me to go.

Then this pregnancy thing.

I could go on and on but there have been so many incidents when I think back.

apart from these things we’ve had no problems. We have a nice home, he’s financially responsible, gives me an allowance even though I work full time too, we go out together, nice holidays, nice everything else.

I think that's quite a lot.

He seems very disrespectful towards you

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2023 15:23

Skydome · 04/05/2023 15:14

The silent treatment is abusive

The OP has admitted (many times) that that was the wrong way to handle it.

FloydPepper · 04/05/2023 15:24

Silent treatment is generally called out as abusive when a man does it so I presume it’s the same when you do it.

CheersForThatEh · 04/05/2023 15:26

I'm just like 😲

Just cut and run. You sound young, you dont need to waste your life fighting an uphill battle with this man. Start over.

He is clearly the one excluding you from family stuff, in case you haven't worked it out.

Pallisers · 04/05/2023 15:26

Is this marriage really worth it for you?

His priority is clearly his parents. I wouldn't be happy being the only SIL excluded from the family whassapp group. I wouldn't be happy being the only one NOT told about a pregnancy (its a pregnancy - not the nuclear codes - excluding one person from perfectly ordinary news is deliberate exclusion for the hell of it). I wouldn't be happy with my husband going along with this exclusion. I wouldn't be happy with my husband running to his parents if you have an argument. I wouldn't be happy with my husband constantly lying to me. I wouldn't be happy with any of it.

Maybe there are happinesses in your marriage that make the downsides worth it but I'm not seeing any in your posts.

I don't think the silent treatment is right. I'd have had an argument about it.

Gotafaceon · 04/05/2023 15:26

I'd be annoyed by the lying too and probably a bit sad he'd kept the news from me.
I wouldn't do silent treatment though. I'd try to explain.
So I think he's been a bit shite and maybe you could handle things without ST.

Pallisers · 04/05/2023 15:26

FloydPepper · 04/05/2023 15:24

Silent treatment is generally called out as abusive when a man does it so I presume it’s the same when you do it.

yeah people have called her on it and the OP has agreed with this. But there are other issues here.

Gymnopedie · 04/05/2023 15:42

FloydPepper · 04/05/2023 15:24

Silent treatment is generally called out as abusive when a man does it so I presume it’s the same when you do it.

I'm not sure if he would be called abusive if his wife/partner and her family were treating him like the H's family are treating OP. If anything he said she immediately ran to tell tales to mummy and daddy.

If it's because his socks weren't washed right, or his dinner wasn't cooked right for him, then yes it's abuse. But context matters.

MsRosley · 04/05/2023 15:43

I told my DH that if I ever caught him in an outright lie, it was game over. Once someone has lied to you, you can never trust a word they say again.

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