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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed with DH - giving him silent treatment from this morning

122 replies

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:22

Name change for this as it may be outing.

im probably being childish and unreasonable but I have ignored DH this morning as I went to bed with him annoyed.

his sister is pregnant with her first baby and DH has known about it for 3 months. All the siblings knew, including the other two brothers wives. PILs obviously knew. my SIL had announced this to them when she had come to visit. I hadn’t been there so I wasn’t informed. No one mentioned it to me either. DH kept it tight to his chest.

I actually found out from his cousins two weeks ago. We were at a family gathering and SIL told the cousins who mentioned it to me at the same party. When SIL realised they had told me, she came to tell me herself. I congratulated her etc. at this point I didn’t know DH knew. I assumed she had just made the announcement that day.

that evening excitedly I mentioned it to DH and asked if he knew, he said no and that was that.

the next day my BILs wife mentioned to me that DH had known for months, alongside her and the rest of the family.

I know it’s not a big deal but I’m annoyed about why DH lied to my face about not knowing when infact he had known for month. I was clearly excluded for whatever reason.

its not the first time I’ve been ‘left out’ of news or have heard it from others and I usually brush it off, as my in-laws aren’t huge fans of me as I wasn’t their choice for my DH. They wanted an arranged marriage for him. Despite this, we’re polite and cordial, we see each other regularly but there have been many times where I’m not included.
the family has a WhatsApp group chat with all the other SILs and BILs but I’m not in it. Again it’s not a big deal.

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason. He then reported this back to my PILs who seemed to have taken it out of context. I saw this yesterday since this party 10 days ago, so they mentioned it to me last night. I explained I wasn’t annoyed about finding out last, and I didn’t give it a second thought since that day.

DH is infertile so we don’t have any children and I feel they now think I’m bitter about my SIL being pregnant 1 month after marriage (we’re Asian and Muslims) when that’s not the case.

DH doesn’t understand my annoyance about this whole thing.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2023 20:38

Don’t bother talking to him. He’ll only go running to his family to tell them how mean and unreasonable you are.

get rid of him.

he gives you an allowance and occasionally spends time with you. You need to raise your bar.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 04/05/2023 20:48

Lockheart · 04/05/2023 13:29

It wasn't his news to tell. The silent treatment is an extremely unhealthy way of behaving.

It sounds like you might benefit from some counselling go understand why you have this toxic behaviour pattern and to address it.

As opposed to the pattern of lying to your wife and then reporting her to your parents so they can hate her more than they already do?

KitKatLove · 04/05/2023 20:54

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 19:23

I’m sorry, I did read the rest of the post and acknowledged it (in my head). I only responded to the bit where I felt I had to explain myself.

ill have a conversation tonight when he comes home tonight - he always goes to his parents house first after work, leaving me having dinner alone 3/4 times a week because they call him everyday asking if he’s coming over or not. If he decides he’s gonna eat dinner with me he’ll come home for 7ish. It’s been like this since the day we got married.

obviously there are a lot of issues with my marriage. I just need to find the right words to put them on the table and see what happens next.

Show quote history

That sounds like a plan. Sometimes we have to have uncomfortable conversations. I hope that you make some progress or a compromise. Good luck and remember that as far as he’s concerned everything has probably been fine in his mind so you may both need to give it a little time before changes happen x

Refrosty · 04/05/2023 21:00

OP, I'm from a different background, but the set up is similar. I have very good friends who are likely from where you are from. You don't have to tolerate this at all. You deserve better. You know you deserve better. Why are you allowing yourself to endure this?

Your husband has already divorced once. He's infertile. What would happen if you actually divorced him? The family can pretend they are better than you but they know it would not be easy to get another wife for their son. You might be surprised to see people you don't expect jumping to pull you back into your marriage. Personally, I'd walk away if my husband could not put me before his family. I had that exact conversation with my husband before marriage, and he promised I would always be his priority. He hasn't let me down, and I'm quite fond of his family as a result of a healthy relationship with them.

SwingandaPrayer · 04/05/2023 21:01

Silent treatment never works or is a good idea. If this was someone saying their DH was sulking and giving you the silent treatment you would get a very clear reply on here.

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2023 21:10

SwingandaPrayer · 04/05/2023 21:01

Silent treatment never works or is a good idea. If this was someone saying their DH was sulking and giving you the silent treatment you would get a very clear reply on here.

No she wouldn’t.

if she her husband was spending most of his time alone because his wife spent her evenings with her parents.
if the wife constantly lied
if the wife bad mouthed her husband to her family and they hated her
if the husband was excluded from his wife’s family and openly disliked by the in laws.

nobody would be siding with the wife. There’s be a crazy pile on in support of the husband.

PollyPeptide · 04/05/2023 21:20

You're not bothered he didn't tell you. But you're bothered that he didn't tell you that he didn't tell you?
How can you even give this headroom?
You're saying that his family don't like you and you don't care. Your husband doesn't want to get involved between them and you or hurt your feelings so he lied.
Honestly, I'd let it go.

PollyPeptide · 04/05/2023 21:27

PollyPeptide · 04/05/2023 21:20

That'll teach me to read the thread before posting. I stand by what I said but it's clear there's a lot a lot more going on with your husband than was in your op.

If you stay with him, get your own car.

LadyJ2023 · 04/05/2023 21:29

I think you are being plain childish tbh. He's a man it won't be the first time a man hears something and it goes in one ear and out the other yet would be important to a woman. Either way your actions aren't adult grow up.

AliceOlive · 05/05/2023 03:49

If you stay with him, get your own car.

@PollyPeptide wiser words were never spoken. I think it’s good advice for every woman, actually!

Indoorcatmum · 05/05/2023 05:32

I would be upset if my DH didn't tell me something like that and he would be with me if the situation were reversed.

We don't have a toxic relationship, we just believe that we are a unit and don't keep things from each other. We certainly don't lie when asked a direct question either.

No silent treatment, but there would be a sit down conversation and it would be addressed.

miraveille · 05/05/2023 05:58

Never go to sleep on an argument, what if own do you doesn't wake up. It can happen. It's not worth it.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 05/05/2023 07:11

I think he's been lying to you about the reason why his first marriage broke up. I would guess it's for the exact same reasons why YOU should dump his lying arse. Because he does NOT have your back and is happy for you to be excluded from his family.

Codlingmoths · 05/05/2023 08:06

he always goes to his parents house first after work, leaving me having dinner alone 3/4 times a week because they call him everyday asking if he’s coming over or not. If he decides he’s gonna eat dinner with me he’ll come home for 7ish. It’s been like this since the day we got married.
and do you cook this dinner, that your teenager husband might or might not turn up to? If you do, please stop. Cook for one. Take yourself out. Tell him it’s his turn to cook dinner 3 nights a week and if he decides to go to his parents on one of those nights instead of cooking dinner or arranging to swap nights with you at a reasonable hour, for gods sake just move out. I mean, does he ever prioritise you? Do something nice for you? That doesn’t cost him nothing and not take from his family time with what are clearly his real family?

Conkersinautumn · 05/05/2023 08:08

It sounds like you're desperate to be accepted by his family but he doesn't really care for them or is that bothered. Stop trying to win them over!

billy1966 · 05/05/2023 08:09

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 05/05/2023 07:11

Absolutely.

She wisely ran for the hills, his infertility being the absolute least of it.

snitzelvoncrumb · 05/05/2023 08:10

I wouldn’t give him the silent treatment. I would tell him I’m upset and leave it at that. I would absolutely do it back to him if I got the chance. I’m petty.

CabernetSauvignon · 05/05/2023 08:28

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:37

I’m not bothered about DH not telling me as I accept it wasn’t his news to tell. I got over that part pretty quickly. I even went to visit SIL the next day and gave her a present.

What bothered me when I asked him if he knew, he said no. His SIL then told me the next day the whole family were told together. And I was the only one who hadn’t known for months.

He didn’t need to lie to me did he? If he had known for months he could have said yes I knew but wasn’t sure if it was my place to say. Why deny it?

He then went and told his PILs that we had an argument about it.

The reason why I’m remaining silent is because I feel if I express myself anymore about this he’ll go running to them again and I just can’t be bothered with it. I do accept it’s not nice and I shouldn’t have ignored him.

You don't need to express yourself any more than you have already, you just need an adult conversation with him about why he lied and why he keeps running to mummy about what goes on between you. If he can't give you a sensible answer, you need to think about whether you want to stay in this marriage.

Takenoprisoner · 05/05/2023 08:35

Please reread what everyone has said, especially @frazzledasarock post. You are in a boiled frog situation, please Google it. I hope this thread is eye opening for you. Your husband has no respect for you and doesn't even want to spend time with you, and complains to his family about you whenever you have a row. He's absolutely awful.

AfterSchoolWorry · 05/05/2023 08:56

The minute you found out you went and blabbed to your husband not realising he already knew.

Maybe that's why people don't tell you news?

LookItsMeAgain · 05/05/2023 09:11

As I read your thread from where I left off yesterday, your husband is coming across even worse and worse with each post. Whether you mean to do this I don't know but it's clear you're not on the same page as he is (probably best in the long term) and as you mentioned why you think his first wife left him (I seriously doubt that it was the infertility, more like she had had her fill of his behaviour and decided to cut him loose) I think you should follow her example.

He goes to his parent's house directly from work? He doesn't want to be in your company.
Time for you to cut him loose too and send him on his merry way!

LookItsMeAgain · 05/05/2023 09:13

Scrap my suggestion about getting added to the family WhatsApp group by contacting his brother/sister directly. Probably best that they don't know what you're up to.

Get yourself a good solicitor and be ever grateful that you managed to get out of this relationship before you lost your sanity!

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