Page 4 | Annoyed with DH - giving him silent treatment from this morning

annoyedwife2023 · 2023-05-04T12:22:18+00:00

Name change for this as it may be outing. im probably being childish and unreasonable but I have ignored DH this morning as I went to bed with him annoyed. his sister is pregnant with her first baby and DH has known about it for 3 months. All the siblings knew, including the other two brothers wives. PILs obviously knew. my SIL had announced this to them when she had come to visit. I hadn’t been there so I wasn’t informed. No one mentioned it to me either. DH kept it tight to his chest. I actually found out from his cousins two weeks ago. We were at a family gathering and SIL told the cousins who mentioned it to me at the same party. When SIL realised they had told me, she came to tell me herself. I congratulated her etc. at this point I didn’t know DH knew. I assumed she had just made the announcement that day. that evening excitedly I mentioned it to DH and asked if he knew, he said no and that was that. the next day my BILs wife mentioned to me that DH had known for months, alongside her and the rest of the family. I know it’s not a big deal but I’m annoyed about why DH lied to my face about not knowing when infact he had known for month. I was clearly excluded for whatever reason. its not the first time I’ve been ‘left out’ of news or have heard it from others and I usually brush it off, as my in-laws aren’t huge fans of me as I wasn’t their choice for my DH. They wanted an arranged marriage for him. Despite this, we’re polite and cordial, we see each other regularly but there have been many times where I’m not included. the family has a WhatsApp group chat with all the other SILs and BILs but I’m not in it. Again it’s not a big deal. so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason. He then reported this back to my PILs who seemed to have taken it out of context. I saw this yesterday since this party 10 days ago, so they mentioned it to me last night. I explained I wasn’t annoyed about finding out last, and I didn’t give it a second thought since that day. DH is infertile so we don’t have any children and I feel they now think I’m bitter about my SIL being pregnant 1 month after marriage (we’re Asian and Muslims) when that’s not the case. DH doesn’t understand my annoyance about this whole thing.

KitKatLove · 04/05/2023 15:43

im probably being childish and unreasonable but I have ignored DH this morning as I went to bed with him annoyed.
yep, but I can see that you have realised that the silent treatment doesn’t solve anything.

I know it’s not a big deal
it obviously is to you and you shouldn’t minimise your feelings

the family has a WhatsApp group chat with all the other SILs and BILs but I’m not in it. Again it’s not a big deal.
again, it must bother you else why mention it. Text one of the admins and ask to be added.

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason
You found out two weeks ago, DH three months ago, the day you find out DH denies knowing and the following day you find out he’s known for a while and two weeks later you’re still going on about it. Let it go else it’s going to be a long pregnancy.

What bothered me when I asked him if he knew, he said no. His SIL then told me the next day the whole family were told together. And I was the only one who hadn’t known for months.
Ask yourself why his SIL is stirring the pot? My approach would be to keep my enemies (his family) close. I’d be the perfect wife in their presence, I’d kill them with kindness and not trust them as far as I could throw them keeping any thoughts to myself, definitely not slagging them off to DH as it will get back to them I guarantee.

ThereIbledit · 04/05/2023 15:43

Your husband sounds like he is the type of person who it would be very difficult to be married to for any length of time.

His family sound like they are shitty towards you, and I would 100% be more annoyed than you are about the whatsapp group. I wouldn't try to be added to it, but I would flat out acknowledge out loud that you are deliberately excluded from things that the other DILs and cousins are included in and that's not very fkn nice of any of them.

A decent husband would have told them to add you and if they refused, have removed himself from the group.

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 15:46

ThereIbledit · 04/05/2023 15:43

Your husband sounds like he is the type of person who it would be very difficult to be married to for any length of time.

His family sound like they are shitty towards you, and I would 100% be more annoyed than you are about the whatsapp group. I wouldn't try to be added to it, but I would flat out acknowledge out loud that you are deliberately excluded from things that the other DILs and cousins are included in and that's not very fkn nice of any of them.

A decent husband would have told them to add you and if they refused, have removed himself from the group.

He was married before. Marriage lasted around 2 years, separated for another year and then divorced. Story is she left because of the infertility and because DH and her both lived with his family, and she wanted to move out.

OP posts:

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 15:50

KitKatLove · 04/05/2023 15:43

im probably being childish and unreasonable but I have ignored DH this morning as I went to bed with him annoyed.
yep, but I can see that you have realised that the silent treatment doesn’t solve anything.

I know it’s not a big deal
it obviously is to you and you shouldn’t minimise your feelings

the family has a WhatsApp group chat with all the other SILs and BILs but I’m not in it. Again it’s not a big deal.
again, it must bother you else why mention it. Text one of the admins and ask to be added.

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason
You found out two weeks ago, DH three months ago, the day you find out DH denies knowing and the following day you find out he’s known for a while and two weeks later you’re still going on about it. Let it go else it’s going to be a long pregnancy.

What bothered me when I asked him if he knew, he said no. His SIL then told me the next day the whole family were told together. And I was the only one who hadn’t known for months.
Ask yourself why his SIL is stirring the pot? My approach would be to keep my enemies (his family) close. I’d be the perfect wife in their presence, I’d kill them with kindness and not trust them as far as I could throw them keeping any thoughts to myself, definitely not slagging them off to DH as it will get back to them I guarantee.

I had let it go the same day we had the argument nearly two weeks ago. This only resurfaced because I met his parents yesterday and they asked why we had the argument. I had forgotten all about it. Him running to his parents the next day and telling them about the argument is what triggered me this time.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 15:57

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2023 14:12

He lies all the time and goes running to his parents to tell on you when you fall out.

Small wonder they don't like you, your husband is doing his utmost to ensure they detest you and don't consider you part of their family and feel sorry for their spineless son.

I'm from the same religion and culture as you. I've seen abusive husbands do this, in order to control the narrative and make themselves out to be the poor hard done by one to their family and the world whilst you're painted as the harpy.

I wouldn't speak to him either and consider what my future will be like being married to a liar who does not have my back and spends his energies demonising me to his family. You could do so much better.

@frazzledasarock has nailed it OP.

You have married a nasty prick who is passively aggressively lying and undermining you to his family.

He deliberately sabotages arrangements, lies, shuts you down.

He's a nasty prick.

I do not blame you for not wanting to speak to him.

I think you need to have a good think.

This is a nasty quietly abusive whiny little mummys boy.

This is not someone to waste your life with.

Certainly not someone to give up the chance of a kind loving relationship and children if you changed your mind.

Tell your family the truth.

He's awful.

He wants you isolated and disliked from his family.

Start thinking about an exit plan.

Blame his infertility as the reason if it makes things easier for you to divorce him.

You owe him nothing.

Look into some counselling too.
I think speaking to someone independent of your family would be good.

He dismisses and gaslights you because he knows well what he is doing.

I would totally ignore him too.

He's a liar and he has no answer for his nasty behaviour thats why he shuts you down.

Don't stay with this loser.

You deserve so much better than him.

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 16:00

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 15:46

He was married before. Marriage lasted around 2 years, separated for another year and then divorced. Story is she left because of the infertility and because DH and her both lived with his family, and she wanted to move out.

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So his wife found out what a nasty little prick he is and packed her bags.

Good plan.

@ThereIbledit is correct.

This is not a long term bet.

Throw him back, just like his first wife.

FartSock5000 · 04/05/2023 16:07

@annoyedwife2023 your use of 'silent treatment' is abusive and unacceptable. You should sit him down and apologise for behaving so badly. If you love him, you won't abuse him. End of.

Then you discuss with him how the lying makes you feel. You use words like 'I feel that when you lie, you may be lying about other things and I feel like this breaks trust'. Wording it properly so it isn't an accusation or excuse if really important.

In this case, he may be hiding deeper feelings and feel like if he told you about the new baby, you'd feel you were missing out and maybe not want to be with him as much? You never know what is knocking around in his head so try to speak calmly about it and i'd also tell him that he needs to stop keeping you separate from family news.

You don't need to be in their back pocket in group chats but big family news should be shared with you so you can react politely and not be pushed out on purpose.

Theunamedcat · 04/05/2023 16:08

Chuck him back tell him to have the arranged marriage his family want you do not deserve to be disrespected and abused by him any more (silent treatment is wrong though but I can understand the feelings of I need to keep my mouth shut if I speak I will make everything WORSE)

Lozois99 · 04/05/2023 16:11

everyone sucks here

OP needs to grow up and stop with childish behavior like silent treatment

DH should stand up for his wife and make sure she is included in family business

The PILS sound like dickheads too

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 16:12

I wouldn't dream of apologising to a liar that runs to his parents, speaks badly about me, who laughs when I ask for an explanation for his behaviour, dismissed my upset and gaslights me.

Like hell would I apologise for not speaking to a man who is a nasty little shit.🙄

IMustDoMoreExercise · 04/05/2023 16:13

OliveWah · 04/05/2023 13:28

Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive and childish. If you're unhappy, try talking to your DH about it, rather than ignoring him.

This.

He shouldn't have lied and I would be very worried about that. You need to ask him why he lied.

towriteyoumustlive · 04/05/2023 16:23

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:39

It’s definitely not a one off. He lies a lot when it comes to his parents and that ‘household’. Everything is top secret from me for no real reason. Well the reason being I wasn’t their choice and the other DILs are either relatives or arranged marriages.

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Why be in a relationship with someone who constantly lies?!?

I wouldn't bother to be honest. If my DH constantly lied then I'd leave him.

GloriousGoosebumps · 04/05/2023 17:04

So DH fought against an arranged marriage, which must have taken some strength, and married for love instead only to treat you appallingly it doesn't seem to make sense. Nevertheless, he doesn't seem to love you anymore and you can't live the rest of your life like this. This is an abusive relationship with a few nice things thrown in just to keep you hooked. So tell your family what's happening and get out of this marriage. Leave your sorry excuse for a husband and your nasty inlaws to wallow in their nastiness.

KitKatLove · 04/05/2023 18:14

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 15:50

I had let it go the same day we had the argument nearly two weeks ago. This only resurfaced because I met his parents yesterday and they asked why we had the argument. I had forgotten all about it. Him running to his parents the next day and telling them about the argument is what triggered me this time.

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I acknowledged that you had accepted your mistake regarding the silent treatment, suggested that you didn’t minimise how you feel and asked you to look at your relationship with your in-laws to take control of it. I think you’re not being unreasonable. Yet you picked up on the one thing where I suggested that you let go of the issue, which you obviously hadn’t or when it did resurface there would have been a different conversation. You’re coming over as very contrary in your posts.

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 19:23

KitKatLove · 04/05/2023 18:14

I acknowledged that you had accepted your mistake regarding the silent treatment, suggested that you didn’t minimise how you feel and asked you to look at your relationship with your in-laws to take control of it. I think you’re not being unreasonable. Yet you picked up on the one thing where I suggested that you let go of the issue, which you obviously hadn’t or when it did resurface there would have been a different conversation. You’re coming over as very contrary in your posts.

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I’m sorry, I did read the rest of the post and acknowledged it (in my head). I only responded to the bit where I felt I had to explain myself.

ill have a conversation tonight when he comes home tonight - he always goes to his parents house first after work, leaving me having dinner alone 3/4 times a week because they call him everyday asking if he’s coming over or not. If he decides he’s gonna eat dinner with me he’ll come home for 7ish. It’s been like this since the day we got married.

obviously there are a lot of issues with my marriage. I just need to find the right words to put them on the table and see what happens next.

OP posts:

drpet49 · 04/05/2023 19:28

OliveWah · 04/05/2023 13:28

Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive and childish. If you're unhappy, try talking to your DH about it, rather than ignoring him.

This. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

Darkstar4855 · 04/05/2023 19:28

He was wrong to lie but giving someone “the silent treatment” instead of having an adult conversation is very childish.

Pallisers · 04/05/2023 19:32

ill have a conversation tonight when he comes home tonight - he always goes to his parents house first after work, leaving me having dinner alone 3/4 times a week because they call him everyday asking if he’s coming over or not. If he decides he’s gonna eat dinner with me he’ll come home for 7ish. It’s been like this since the day we got married.

I'm struggling to see the point of your marriage. You are not in his confidence, he doesn't prioritise you and never has, he lies, he excludes you from the family, he doesn't even eat dinner with you.

Here's the thing. A man should prefer to be with his wife rather than with his parents. He doesn't.

chocorabbit · 04/05/2023 19:43

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 16:12

I wouldn't dream of apologising to a liar that runs to his parents, speaks badly about me, who laughs when I ask for an explanation for his behaviour, dismissed my upset and gaslights me.

Like hell would I apologise for not speaking to a man who is a nasty little shit.🙄

This.

Who wouldn't be angry with such a scheming, whiney, gaslighting manipulator who slags them off to their mummy and everyone who will listen? In the beginning I thought the OP was childish but the more I read the more I don't understand why she's still married to him. Sorry OP!

It seems to me that if he had got married to some girl who was a relative her parents being close to his wouldn't hear the end of their daughter's complaints and would vociferously defend their daughter and complain to his parents. Also with her being blood MIL might have treated her like a daughter and not let her son get away with spending time away from his wife. Now, he can treat OP like shit and get away with it. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem a genuine reason that he wanted a love marriage, just a convenient one 😕 Probably IL's are hoping for another divorce so this time he will marry their choice.

Username84 · 04/05/2023 19:47

Based on your updates, I don't think it's worth bothering having the conversation again. You've already told him you need him to prioritise you and he has continued with the exclusion and bitching about you behind your back. What good can it do going over the same thing again?

chocorabbit · 04/05/2023 19:49

Pallisers · 04/05/2023 19:32

ill have a conversation tonight when he comes home tonight - he always goes to his parents house first after work, leaving me having dinner alone 3/4 times a week because they call him everyday asking if he’s coming over or not. If he decides he’s gonna eat dinner with me he’ll come home for 7ish. It’s been like this since the day we got married.

I'm struggling to see the point of your marriage. You are not in his confidence, he doesn't prioritise you and never has, he lies, he excludes you from the family, he doesn't even eat dinner with you.

Here's the thing. A man should prefer to be with his wife rather than with his parents. He doesn't.

Exactly.

Something some people don't understand is that abusers never admit their manipulations and lies. Instead, they wait for an apology which they rub on your face like a dirtcloth. OP, you've had enough.

Nanny0gg · 04/05/2023 20:00

drpet49 · 04/05/2023 19:28

This. He hasn’t done anything wrong.

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Yes he has

CustardySergeant · 04/05/2023 20:14

When your husband was told about the pregnancy, was he told not to tell you? If not, why didn't he tell you and why did he lie when you asked if he knew? I would find it very difficult to be married to someone whose family disliked me. His loyalty seems to be to them not to you.

Thepossibility · 04/05/2023 20:27

Reading the whole thread I would say that it seems you're not even a part of his family, you are like a girlfriend tacked onto the side.
I don't think any of it is ok.
Everyone is allowed to know family news but not you? Seems like excluding and bullying behaviour to me.
My husband wouldn't stand for me being shut out, and yours seems to actively encourage it.
I wouldn't stick around, you won't even get children from him so it's always going to be him with his family and you home alone.

billy1966 · 04/05/2023 20:35

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 19:23

I’m sorry, I did read the rest of the post and acknowledged it (in my head). I only responded to the bit where I felt I had to explain myself.

ill have a conversation tonight when he comes home tonight - he always goes to his parents house first after work, leaving me having dinner alone 3/4 times a week because they call him everyday asking if he’s coming over or not. If he decides he’s gonna eat dinner with me he’ll come home for 7ish. It’s been like this since the day we got married.

obviously there are a lot of issues with my marriage. I just need to find the right words to put them on the table and see what happens next.

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God help you OP that you don't appear to realise what an utter and complete clusterfxxk your relationship is.

He eats with Mummy 3-4 times a week.

His ex wife couldn't get away quick enough🙄.

She'd be some woman to share a few cocktail with🙄.

I bet she has some tales.

Wise woman, she got the hell out of there and refused to waste her life with this awful family.