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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoyed with DH - giving him silent treatment from this morning

122 replies

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:22

Name change for this as it may be outing.

im probably being childish and unreasonable but I have ignored DH this morning as I went to bed with him annoyed.

his sister is pregnant with her first baby and DH has known about it for 3 months. All the siblings knew, including the other two brothers wives. PILs obviously knew. my SIL had announced this to them when she had come to visit. I hadn’t been there so I wasn’t informed. No one mentioned it to me either. DH kept it tight to his chest.

I actually found out from his cousins two weeks ago. We were at a family gathering and SIL told the cousins who mentioned it to me at the same party. When SIL realised they had told me, she came to tell me herself. I congratulated her etc. at this point I didn’t know DH knew. I assumed she had just made the announcement that day.

that evening excitedly I mentioned it to DH and asked if he knew, he said no and that was that.

the next day my BILs wife mentioned to me that DH had known for months, alongside her and the rest of the family.

I know it’s not a big deal but I’m annoyed about why DH lied to my face about not knowing when infact he had known for month. I was clearly excluded for whatever reason.

its not the first time I’ve been ‘left out’ of news or have heard it from others and I usually brush it off, as my in-laws aren’t huge fans of me as I wasn’t their choice for my DH. They wanted an arranged marriage for him. Despite this, we’re polite and cordial, we see each other regularly but there have been many times where I’m not included.
the family has a WhatsApp group chat with all the other SILs and BILs but I’m not in it. Again it’s not a big deal.

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason. He then reported this back to my PILs who seemed to have taken it out of context. I saw this yesterday since this party 10 days ago, so they mentioned it to me last night. I explained I wasn’t annoyed about finding out last, and I didn’t give it a second thought since that day.

DH is infertile so we don’t have any children and I feel they now think I’m bitter about my SIL being pregnant 1 month after marriage (we’re Asian and Muslims) when that’s not the case.

DH doesn’t understand my annoyance about this whole thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:48

bringincrazyback · 04/05/2023 13:45

OP I can totally understand why you feel aggrieved, but I voted YABU as the silent treatment is a really immature way to 'deal' with marital strife. It accomplishes precisely nothing. I've been subjected to it myself in the past and consider it a form of emotional abuse.

You’re right. It’s not nice at all and I shouldn’t have done it.

OP posts:

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:50

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 13:47

so naturally DH and I had an argument once I found out he had known about it for months and chose not to tell me for whatever reason.

There’s no ‘naturally’ about it. This isn’t a typical reaction to something like that. The SIL can share or not share her pregnancy news with whoever she wants.
Giving your husband the silent treatment over information you have no entitlement to know is ridiculous.

My reaction wasn’t about him hiding it, I should have worded my post clearer. It was because he denied it to my face and then I was told by his SIL he had known for months with the rest of them. Even his cousins had known before me. So I accept I was wrong with arguing with him.

OP posts:

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 13:51

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:50

Show quote history

It still just sounds like you feel entitled to the news though. Why shouldn’t her cousins know before her brother’s wife? Maybe she doesn’t feel that close to you and she did to her cousins? It’s not your news! You’re being weird about the whole thing.

SoTedious · 04/05/2023 13:52

Can’t imagine caring about someone’s pregnancy this much tbh…

It's not the pregnancy, it's the lying and then running to PILs to tell them about the argument. It's very clear from the OP.

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:56

Sissynova · 04/05/2023 13:51

Show quote history

Maybe you’re right. It’s possible she just didn’t need to tell me with the rest of the immediate family, as she doesn’t believe we’re close. It’s a fair point. She isn’t close to her cousins though, her cousins and I are close. But it’s her news to tell so you’re right.

OP posts:

FrostyFifi · 04/05/2023 13:56

I get it OP. He lied to your face, that's what you're cross about, it could have been on any subject really.

I'd actually personally be pretty annoyed if DH randomly kept secrets from me in general so you're more tolerant than me there.

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:59

After we had that argument, we got over it and carried on as normal. But because he had told his patents, they mentioned it to me last night. So it annoyed me that they thought I’ve been bitter about this thing since I last saw them - 9/10 days ago. Obviously I told them that’s not the case as DH and I had made up after that argument and been normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:59

I accept I’m being unreasonable about the silent behaviour as it’s wrong. And it’s upto SIL who she tells about her pregnancy and when.

OP posts:

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 04/05/2023 13:59

Do you enjoy being married to him? Sounds hugely tedious-the dramas, him scuttling back to blab your conversations to his relatives.

VestPantsandSocks · 04/05/2023 14:02

Genuine question - why are you staying in this marriage?

Toxic family with husband who doesnt have your back.

Dont waste your life on their petty dramas.

AliceOlive · 04/05/2023 14:05

Was he complaining to his parents that he is being put in a bad situation by being asked to keep things from his wife? Sounds like it to me.

He probably lied because he was asked not to share this with you. It’s all pretty unfair to him to be asked to do this.

Try to work on your empathy for one another. With in-laws like this, you’ll need it.

frazzledasarock · 04/05/2023 14:12

He lies all the time and goes running to his parents to tell on you when you fall out.

Small wonder they don't like you, your husband is doing his utmost to ensure they detest you and don't consider you part of their family and feel sorry for their spineless son.

I'm from the same religion and culture as you. I've seen abusive husbands do this, in order to control the narrative and make themselves out to be the poor hard done by one to their family and the world whilst you're painted as the harpy.

I wouldn't speak to him either and consider what my future will be like being married to a liar who does not have my back and spends his energies demonising me to his family. You could do so much better.

BreviloquentBastard · 04/05/2023 14:13

Well this sounds like a fun marriage.

Honestly I'm astounded every day by how low some people's bars are for who they choose to literally build their lives with. Amazing.

Iwasafool · 04/05/2023 14:19

Maybe he would like children and it is painful for him to see his siblings having what he can't have so he sort of closes his mind to it.

Sistanotcista · 04/05/2023 14:20

annoyedwife2023 · 04/05/2023 13:59

I accept I’m being unreasonable about the silent behaviour as it’s wrong. And it’s upto SIL who she tells about her pregnancy and when.

You are right on both of these statements.

BUT, it is wrong of your DH to lie to you, and to collude in his family excluding you. He should stick up for you far more than he does. He should definitely say that if you aren't added to the family WhatsApp group, he is leaving. Your little family (him and you) should always come first, ahead of the in-laws. In-laws and the wider family are important, but you should come first.

purplecorkheart · 04/05/2023 14:24

I know you say he was there when she announced her pregnancy but was he actually listening. My brother could be sitting in a room where someone announces they are pregnant and genuinely not notice. We have had many conversation when we talk about something happened and he claims to know nothing and I reply but you were there.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 04/05/2023 14:32

Family dynamics are complicated op. He is her brother, but would have been sworn to secrecy. He lied to you because you are his wife, so would expect not to have secrets between you. I think he was just clumsy. I don't think its about you being excluded as such, it just wasn't his secret to share. It probably shows that your dh is trustworthy, if anything.
I knew my sil's big secret (not pregnancy) weeks before my own dh, her brother. It wasn't my secret to tell so I kept it to myself. When it hit the pan my dh was of course annoyed hat I hadn't shared the secret with him, but he knew I was in an impossible situation.

Crikeyohreilly · 04/05/2023 14:38

Honestly I wouldn’t let this come between you it’s so silly. Set the boundary going forward that you don’t want lies in your marriage like that again because I can see why that bothered you but don’t stress yourself about something so insignificant in the grand scheme

Titchyfeep · 04/05/2023 14:42

is it possible that he wasn’t really that bothered about the pregnancy so genuinely forgot to tell you and was just trying to save an argument by saying he didn’t know when you found out? I don’t think it’s really that big a deal, it doesn’t impact you in anyway at all. Everything would still be the same had you found out sooner rather than later.

Gymnopedie · 04/05/2023 14:42

While the silent treatment is undoubtedly childish, I think there is a difference between that and not saying anything because it will be relayed back to the inlaws. If the OP feels that if she says anything to her DH it might spiral into a row, saying nothing might be the best bet.

OP what strikes me is that he was prepared to stand up to the family to marry you, but now (a) doesn't stand up to them and in fact (b) actively undermines you, by accepting that you are left out of family events, news and the WhatsApp group. Maybe you didn't marry the man you think you did.

(Have you posted about him before? Either I've written before or have read almost word for word that second paragraph.)

Codlingmoths · 04/05/2023 14:43

Nothing about this would be ok with me. Not the lying, not the not having my back, not the whatsapp group. Would he be happy if you dropped out of his family life completely op? I don’t see why you should bother spending time with his parents or being nice to his petty childish brother and sister.

rainbowstardrops · 04/05/2023 14:44

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!!!

He lied to you and you said it wasn't the first time. Why lie? Why not just say it wasn't his news to tell?

You're not included in the family WhatsApp when everyone else is. Why isn't he addressing that?

And he goes running to his parents about an argument between the two of you ..... so no wonder you're not talking to him in case he goes blabbing again.

Your DH and his family sound unreasonable. Not you.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 04/05/2023 14:46

Fuck me, some of the replies 🙄 OP he was.wrong to lie to you and he was wrong to go to mummy and daddy when you raised it with him. He has form though so I wouldn't be too surprised. Silent treatment isn't the best but it sounds to me you have put up with a lot of shit. He doesn't have your back.
I couldn't be married to a man like that.
Obviously you have posters that will ignore everything else and pounce on you for the silent treatment. Cos they enjoy sticking the boot in.

burninglikefire · 04/05/2023 14:46

My husband used to give me the silent treatment - hugely abusive. That certainly isn't the same as saying that your husband is blameless, but sounds a really unpleasant relationship for you both.

WavingThroughYoWindow · 04/05/2023 14:47

Are your DH and his sister extremely close?

I'm very close with my brother and if I ask him to keep something to himself, he always does.

Maybe she was nervous and didn't feel ready to share too much in what she felt was too soon?

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