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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really care that they are dying?

123 replies

SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:29

Fully prepared to be slated here for being cruel but just need a minor rant before getting back to my day.

My friend has been messaging me a blow by blow account of the father of her child’s grandfather (so her toddlers great grandfather) who has been seriously ill in hospital.

To be honest - I don’t care. Not in the slightest. I’ve never met the guy, I don’t like the father of her child. I don’t even know why she seems to care so much. I am finding it really annoying getting these messages all week at work - what am I meant to reply? Of course it’s sad when anyone is seriously ill or dies, but people die every minute of every day. We cannot stop to mourn them all. If it was her relative, of course I would do all I could to support her.

Sorry if I sound callous! Rant over.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2023 11:32

You light not care about him, but surely you care about your friend? While you may not understand why she cares, she clearly does care, she may be supporting her toddlers father through the loss of a loved grandfather and need some support herself.

People do die every day, but the loss of an elderly relative can be stressful and complex - a bit of compassion for your friend wouldn’t go amiss.

Hoppinggreen · 04/05/2023 11:34

I wouldn’t care either but I might make some appropriate noises to my friend so she thought I did

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 04/05/2023 11:34

Difficult one. She could be really close to him? and messaging you is helping her with her grief?

or

She's a 'grief vulture' and wants to receive sympathy for the illness/death of a distant relative (by marriage).

I wonder if your friend is my friend too. Whenever anyone is ill or dying, no matter what minimum connection she may have i.e. cousin's neighbour's friend's daughter has a brain tumour, I have to hear the ins and outs but No, I'm not interested as I have enough to think/worry about already!!

Hoppinggreen · 04/05/2023 11:35

Plus she may be one of those grief vampires who latch onto every death however loosely connected and make it all about them.

PollyAmour · 04/05/2023 11:36

I would offer general support, it sounds as if she is taking this gentleman's ill-health and deterioration really badly. It may have triggered memories of a previous bereavement.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/05/2023 11:37

She just wants to talk. It obviously matters to her. Care about her not about the man you don't know.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 04/05/2023 11:39

You are her friend, she is stressed and upset for her partner and needs support?

Original poster
SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:44

This has been going on since last week. I have been sending her messages “I am so sorry to hear that” “That sounds really upsetting” “Here if you need to talk”. But it’s just getting too much. Everyday she sends me messages about him - what ward he is on, family drama about whether to agree to a DNR, which organ is failing now. As far as I can tell he’s been unconscious for a long time now.

I don’t think she has even met him. He lived on the other side of the world until very recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:45

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 04/05/2023 11:39

You are her friend, she is stressed and upset for her partner and needs support?

They are not together. In fact, they have quite a tumultuous relationship.

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 11:46

Clearly your friend cares - for whatever reason unbeknownst to you, this man's state of health is upsetting to her and she needs to talk about it.

Can you find some empathy for that?

GG1986 · 04/05/2023 11:47

If you don't care then don't reply? She will get the hint.

Original poster
SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:50

Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 11:46

Clearly your friend cares - for whatever reason unbeknownst to you, this man's state of health is upsetting to her and she needs to talk about it.

Can you find some empathy for that?

I did at first, but this has been going on for a long time now. Multiple messages a day.

I don’t think she has even met him, he lived in the Philippines until his health took a turn. She’s not even in a relationship with the father of her child.

I have known her since our first day of secondary school. We have both gone through grief since then, both have supported the other.

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 11:52

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2023 11:32

You light not care about him, but surely you care about your friend? While you may not understand why she cares, she clearly does care, she may be supporting her toddlers father through the loss of a loved grandfather and need some support herself.

People do die every day, but the loss of an elderly relative can be stressful and complex - a bit of compassion for your friend wouldn’t go amiss.

So the grandson needs support, his wife needs support, should there also be someone to support the friend to support the wife? It’s getting silly now, everyone seems to need ‘support’ for the most routine of life events

SoupDragon · 04/05/2023 11:52

You don't have to care, you just have to be a friend and listen. She needs to talk about it for whatever reason.

SnakesandKnives · 04/05/2023 11:55

If she hasn’t had a lengthy relationship with him (which she clearly hasn’t from what you say about her own partner relationship and where he lived) then this absolutely strikes me as Grief Thief territory

what happens if you don’t reply to every message? When you say it’s getting too much do you have to fully read lengthy messages or something? Can’t you just continue to send ‘that sounds dreadful and thinking of you platitudes’ to everything and just not worry about it or spend any real time on her (probably) irrelevant/self interested messages?

kh123 · 04/05/2023 11:58

In these situations you have to pretend to care.

Clearly you friend needs that.

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2023 11:59

She sounds a bit like a grief vampire. Also she has a complex relationship with the ex, which can make people obsess over them. In a way you are feeding it, but there's no other way to handle it. It won't go on much longer. I wouldn't pander to any angst over the funeral.

YouAndICollide · 04/05/2023 12:00

SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:44

This has been going on since last week. I have been sending her messages “I am so sorry to hear that” “That sounds really upsetting” “Here if you need to talk”. But it’s just getting too much. Everyday she sends me messages about him - what ward he is on, family drama about whether to agree to a DNR, which organ is failing now. As far as I can tell he’s been unconscious for a long time now.

I don’t think she has even met him. He lived on the other side of the world until very recently.

Sound more like attention seeking then, rather than her being actually upset.

I know someone that would very happily enjoy the drama of someone she wasn’t really attached to and be a bit of a grief thief, no real concern for those it was having a very real impact on. It’s more something yo gossip about and try to get sympathy for. Very weird. Not my sort of person and I wouldn’t be friends either with someone who acted like that.

dawngreen · 04/05/2023 12:01

I think its a subject people avoid in life. Can you not miss a few calls if you are at work? Add a few white lies such as the battery was flat on your mobile, or your boss is in a bad mood so cannot chat often.

Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 12:02

SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:50

I did at first, but this has been going on for a long time now. Multiple messages a day.

I don’t think she has even met him, he lived in the Philippines until his health took a turn. She’s not even in a relationship with the father of her child.

I have known her since our first day of secondary school. We have both gone through grief since then, both have supported the other.

Show quote history

Ok, multiple messages a day is a bit much, I get that.

Could you gently suggest to her that she seems to be having a really bad time with this and maybe she needs to talk to a counsellor? This might give her the subtle hint that she's putting a bit too much on you. One or two texts a day is understandable but anymore is a bit unfair and requires some professional input if she's feeling that bad.

CalistoNoSolo · 04/05/2023 12:02

She sounds massively needy, the constan updates would piss me off too. YaDnbu imo.

thing47 · 04/05/2023 12:04

I think grief/bereavement can be overwhelming for some people, and all they can think about or focus on. I liken it to parents of a newborn who think their baby is as fascinating to everyone else as it (inevitably) is to them.

If your friend is caught up in the family drama over this gentleman's death, then it's understandable that that is the sole topic of conversation at the moment. I think the sort of replies you have been sending are fine, expressing sympathy for your friend while not really getting into longer conversations.

I do wonder too whether your evident dislike of your friend's on-off partner is colouring your view of his relative's illness?

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:04

Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 12:02

Ok, multiple messages a day is a bit much, I get that.

Could you gently suggest to her that she seems to be having a really bad time with this and maybe she needs to talk to a counsellor? This might give her the subtle hint that she's putting a bit too much on you. One or two texts a day is understandable but anymore is a bit unfair and requires some professional input if she's feeling that bad.

Show quote history

Counselling because a man she never met is dying? Really?

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:05

YouAndICollide · 04/05/2023 12:00

Sound more like attention seeking then, rather than her being actually upset.

I know someone that would very happily enjoy the drama of someone she wasn’t really attached to and be a bit of a grief thief, no real concern for those it was having a very real impact on. It’s more something yo gossip about and try to get sympathy for. Very weird. Not my sort of person and I wouldn’t be friends either with someone who acted like that.

Show quote history

I agree. Death seems to bring out attention seekers no matter how loosely connected to the victim.

TheOrigRights · 04/05/2023 12:06

Ask yourself if you care about your friend.
If so, then support her now. Cut her some slack. Don't overthink her behaviour - she needs her friends.