To not really care that they are dying?

[SouperMario]

Fully prepared to be slated here for being cruel but just need a minor rant before getting back to my day.

My friend has been messaging me a blow by blow account of the father of her child’s grandfather (so her toddlers great grandfather) who has been seriously ill in hospital.

To be honest - I don’t care. Not in the slightest. I’ve never met the guy, I don’t like the father of her child. I don’t even know why she seems to care so much. I am finding it really annoying getting these messages all week at work - what am I meant to reply? Of course it’s sad when anyone is seriously ill or dies, but people die every minute of every day. We cannot stop to mourn them all. If it was her relative, of course I would do all I could to support her.

Sorry if I sound callous! Rant over.

Your friend obviously cares, so be there for your friend.

I have a friend whose very emotional about everything, cries a lot and I frequently have to comfort her when in my head I think come on this isn’t an issue to cry about… but she’s my friend and I care about her so I validate her feelings and make sure she is ok.

🤦🏻‍♀️

You have a lot to learn about people and this type of behaviour. OPs friend doesn’t know this man, she’s never met him and is no longer with the man who’s grandfather he is. Her child is too young to have a clue what is going on.

This isn’t really impacting OPs friend, these types just see an opportunity to be involved and get attention. Coping? She’ll be coping just fine, in fact she’ll be positively thriving and enjoying the drama. This is an event for her.

People die every day but when it's elderly I look on the bright side. At least they have had a long and healthy life until then. Some people don't get that chance.

An elderly man she's never met is dying - she's enjoying the drama. I'd leave her messages unread for a few hours and then just reply with a hugging emoji. Minimum interaction, don't feed it!

Well that’s just regular friendship isn’t it? And she shouldn’t be ‘struggling’, let’s face it. She’s a parent and if she can’t cope with the death of an elderly man she has never met them how does she deal with the trials of ordinary life without collapsing into friends and needing constant ‘support’?

I don’t think we can say she shouldn’t be struggling, we don’t know what else is going on in someone’s life. Sometimes the present, apparently superficial, thing is the last straw, sometimes it’s the thing we can talk about or focus on because the other stuff is too difficult or sensitive, sometimes current circumstances take us back to other losses that have gone unprocessed.

Friends are there for each other - a simple “sounds so difficult, I hope you’re ok” doesn’t cost much in time or emotional capacity but it might help someone feel less alone in their situation.

She isn’t pitching up every night wanting a debrief, she’s not asking for endless calls or conversations, just an acknowledgment of what’s happening. Regular friendship accommodates those things.

@YouAndICollide 100 per cent sgree

I don’t think we can say she shouldn’t be struggling, we don’t know what else is going on in someone’s life

This old chestnut… if there’s something else going on, she needs to say. I’m getting a bit tired of this expectation that we have to endlessly accommodate unreasonable behaviour on the off chance that there’s ‘something else going on in their life’ when most of the time there isn’t. In a similar vein there could be something else going on in OP’s life, yet the friend is here endlessly dumping on her about a matter which is literally nothing to do with her.

She’s not even met him and he lives far away.

She is a classic grief vulture. I couldn’t be bothered either OP.

Agree with this. I would do this.

My vote is that she doesn’t actually care as such, but is a grief vampire and is really getting her fangs into this.

Fucking hell some of the replies here! She is asking for support. I told a friend who had never met my mum the details of her care when she was dying.

If she's on-again-off-again with the ex/child's father, my take is that there's a strong chance she's a bit obsessed with her ex-boyfriend, and this is feeding the obession. It's a "legitimate" non-embarrassing way for her to text you all day about the thing she actually wants to talk about - her ex.

If not that, then she's being a bit of a grief vulture, yeah. I have a relative who's inclined a bit that way. It's definitely a thing.

Totally different. It was about your mum.

This isn’t really impacting OPs friend, these types just see an opportunity to be involved and get attention. Coping? She’ll be coping just fine, in fact she’ll be positively thriving and enjoying the drama. This is an event for her

Absolutely spot on.

In a similar vein there could be something else going on in OP’s life, yet the friend is here endlessly dumping on her about a matter which is literally nothing to do with her.

So set some boundaries - I’d explain that while she’s having a hard time, I have stuff going on too which means I need a bit of space so if I don’t reply it’s because I have stuff that needs my time and attention. Much kinder than judging her motivations and finding her lacking in some way.

I hope you don't actually say that to those who have lost elderly people close to them.

I think I'd be tempted to ask one or two slightly pointed questions along the lines of "Have you ever actually met partner's grandfather?"

This. The second part.

I have found that people who are normally too immersed in other people’s grief are, normally, just… morbid. It is not even compassion, it is just like a morbid show for them at best and OR a morbid show + an opportunity to attract attention to themselves at worst.

The best way to deal with this would be to silence your friend in your mobile and just respond once a day.

You said you're here if she needs to talk. You invited her to talk to you and she is doing.

You don't have to care about everything your friend cares about.

But if you care about her then you can support her with things she cares about.

You don't sound very empathetic at all.

On the other side of this, I suspect she's extremely insensitive to the actual family members, who likely want her to buzz off hassling them for more info about the latest medical woes. Why on earth does she need to know which ward he's on if she doesn't know the man?

OP you obviously know her very well. Is this replaying something that happened to a very close relation of her's perhaps and it's bringing lots of memories of being in a similar situation?

YANBU, I had the same with stepMIL telling me all about cousin with covid and her ex mil (who she hated) dying and then her dad dying. I responded with appropriate sympathy but god it was boring.

If you can’t see the difference between you losing your mum, and this woman going on about the grandfather of her ex, who she has never met, we can’t help you.

I don’t think she has even met him, he lived in the Philippines until his health took a turn. She’s not even in a relationship with the father of her child.

She sounds like a needy attention seeker.

Is this off piste for her though, OP? Is she generally sensible, and well-balanced? If so, I might be a touch concerned.

But she was your mum, and I suppose you had at least met her?