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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not really care that they are dying?

123 replies

SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:29

Fully prepared to be slated here for being cruel but just need a minor rant before getting back to my day.

My friend has been messaging me a blow by blow account of the father of her child’s grandfather (so her toddlers great grandfather) who has been seriously ill in hospital.

To be honest - I don’t care. Not in the slightest. I’ve never met the guy, I don’t like the father of her child. I don’t even know why she seems to care so much. I am finding it really annoying getting these messages all week at work - what am I meant to reply? Of course it’s sad when anyone is seriously ill or dies, but people die every minute of every day. We cannot stop to mourn them all. If it was her relative, of course I would do all I could to support her.

Sorry if I sound callous! Rant over.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 04/05/2023 14:35

WeeblesWobbled · 04/05/2023 14:34

The incident may have triggered unresolved grief of her own for the friend. She might not even recognise it as such.

We humans do very strange things. We all deserve to be cut a bit of slack and supported every now and then.

Show quote history

Exactly this. I'm glad my friends are people who assume the best of me and not the worst like the posters on here are doing!

Moveoverdarlin · 04/05/2023 14:36

I agree with you OP, it’s odd. I don’t think other posters have quite got the gist of how far removed this man is to your friend. Why on Earth would you need to know what ward he is on?

Codlingmoths · 04/05/2023 14:38

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 11:52

So the grandson needs support, his wife needs support, should there also be someone to support the friend to support the wife? It’s getting silly now, everyone seems to need ‘support’ for the most routine of life events

Show quote history

She’s not his wife. She’s not his partner either. She’s his ex.

BogRollBOGOF · 04/05/2023 14:45

No spare capacity for grief vultures here. Too busy coping with the 4th loss of a family member in less than 18 months, one of whom was in their 30s and died while DH was on the other side of the world so it wasn't practical to even tell him for 10 days until he was back.

I do have time to listen to people dealing with death- if they're actually aquainted with the person concerned and actually affected by it.

Some people do like to lap up the drama and gory details of other people's illnesses and deaths. There was one in my family years ago and it was her favourite topic of conversation even when the links were very tenuous.

kingtamponthefurred · 04/05/2023 14:48

Respond once a day with 'that's a shame' or just stop engaging.

Mrsjayy · 04/05/2023 14:53

kingtamponthefurred · 04/05/2023 14:48

Respond once a day with 'that's a shame' or just stop engaging.

Honestly just this. Your friend will take the hint

TheClitterati · 04/05/2023 14:54

it sounds exhausting.

I honestly couldnt ever imagine anyone I know doing this to me.

StBernie · 04/05/2023 14:56

If you’re replying straight away, every time, then maybe just tone it down a little?

If it were me, I’d be asking “how is [your ex] doing?” to put the focus back on the fact the ex and his family are the ones suffering the loss here, not her.

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/05/2023 14:56

Of course not I did say it to my sister though when our mum died at 61 and she was talking about it obsessively. We had a cousin that died when he was 13. So he never really got to live his life.

DRS1970 · 04/05/2023 15:00

You don't sound like a very caring friend. Your friend is obviously seeking some support from you.

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 15:05

DRS1970 · 04/05/2023 15:00

You don't sound like a very caring friend. Your friend is obviously seeking some support from you.

‘Support’ for what?

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 15:06

Codlingmoths · 04/05/2023 14:38

She’s not his wife. She’s not his partner either. She’s his ex.

Show quote history

Good grief the link gets more tenuous by the second.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 04/05/2023 15:50

My ex inlaws were like this...
A neighbour they barely saw died, an old friends neighbour died, any one...

I remember my mil was pissed that her friends widow didn't inform her when the friends mother died. She found out a few years later but was pissed he hadn't contacted and informed her.
The widow who was raising two young kids. She claims this woman was her best friend but never kept in touch with her mom, or the widow then was pissed she wasn't informed.

Some people need the drama.

Hoppinggreen · 04/05/2023 15:53

AskMeMore · 04/05/2023 12:54

Fucking hell some of the replies here! She is asking for support. I told a friend who had never met my mum the details of her care when she was dying.

Yes but presumably you knew and loved your Mum?
This person hardly knows the man who is dying and may not even have met him, it’s very different

QueenBitch666 · 04/05/2023 16:42

I'd mute her messages. Reply every few days or weeks as you want with the odd sympathetic response. Don't give it headspace

ilovesooty · 04/05/2023 16:44

Riverlee · 04/05/2023 13:56

If it’s multiple messages, can you send a general reply, saying something like you are sorry she’s struggling, and rather than sending multiple messages, to call you in the evening if she needs to talk about it. You could even say that work commitments means you aren’t able to respond to them during the day etc, and hence why you’ve not been responding to them (and don’t respond to the daytime ones from No on).

That sounds a lot kinder than some of the other suggestions, and it's boundaried as well.

WeeblesWobbled · 05/05/2023 00:23

BogRollBOGOF · 04/05/2023 14:45

No spare capacity for grief vultures here. Too busy coping with the 4th loss of a family member in less than 18 months, one of whom was in their 30s and died while DH was on the other side of the world so it wasn't practical to even tell him for 10 days until he was back.

I do have time to listen to people dealing with death- if they're actually aquainted with the person concerned and actually affected by it.

Some people do like to lap up the drama and gory details of other people's illnesses and deaths. There was one in my family years ago and it was her favourite topic of conversation even when the links were very tenuous.

You’re in the midst
of grieving process so I understand why you feel like that. I lost a family member and a close friend this year but I am also aware that people can grieve for people they have never met. Remember how many of us grieved for Lady Diana or for celebrities who we don’t know at all.

bugbugMNthx · 05/05/2023 01:48

Drama addict and a grief thief, she sounds like she is loving the whole thing - like being in a real life soap opera.

TheDogsArse · 05/05/2023 02:15

Remember how many of us grieved for Lady Diana or for celebrities who we don’t know at all.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Northernsouloldies · 05/05/2023 03:04

How can you grieve for someone you don't know?. If it's celebrity death or a death in tragic circumstances I may think thats a shame or the poor family having to deal with it, then rapidly move on and get on with my own life.

Hoppinggreen · 05/05/2023 07:43

TheDogsArse · 05/05/2023 02:15

Remember how many of us grieved for Lady Diana or for celebrities who we don’t know at all.

🤦🏻‍♀️

I remember
I also remember thinking how bloody ridiculous it all was

CabernetSauvignon · 05/05/2023 08:06

PennineWay · 04/05/2023 13:03

You said you're here if she needs to talk. You invited her to talk to you and she is doing.

You don't have to care about everything your friend cares about.

But if you care about her then you can support her with things she cares about.

You don't sound very empathetic at all.

Show quote history

The issue is whether this is genuinely something that she cares about, or just something she is having a lovely time being a drama queen about. How much realistically is she likely to care about someone she has never met who happens to be related to her ex?

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 05/05/2023 08:47

Sounds like she’s enjoying the drama. I’d silence her texts and reply to her only at the end of every day or every few days with something bland.

it would annoy me

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