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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not really care that they are dying?

123 replies

SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:29

Fully prepared to be slated here for being cruel but just need a minor rant before getting back to my day.

My friend has been messaging me a blow by blow account of the father of her child’s grandfather (so her toddlers great grandfather) who has been seriously ill in hospital.

To be honest - I don’t care. Not in the slightest. I’ve never met the guy, I don’t like the father of her child. I don’t even know why she seems to care so much. I am finding it really annoying getting these messages all week at work - what am I meant to reply? Of course it’s sad when anyone is seriously ill or dies, but people die every minute of every day. We cannot stop to mourn them all. If it was her relative, of course I would do all I could to support her.

Sorry if I sound callous! Rant over.

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 12:06

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:04

Counselling because a man she never met is dying? Really?

Show quote history

I was thinking in terms of showing her that she's putting too much on you, rather than her actually needing counselling. Maybe she does, maybe she doesn't, but suggesting it may put the point across that she's being a bit too much.

Nimblesandbimbles · 04/05/2023 12:06

I would struggle with this too OP especially as it sounds like he is of advanced age. I know too many people that have died young from cancer. I think that really puts it in to perspective.

Pixiedust1234 · 04/05/2023 12:07

I have been sending her messages “I am so sorry to hear that” “That sounds really upsetting” “Here if you need to talk”

She thought you meant it. Dont say things you don't mean.

Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 12:08

And to be honest, the fact she has never met the man is neither here nor there. It sounds like a lot is being stirred up for her. Maybe she fears death and this is making her freak out. It doesn't have to be about what is literally happening. It can point to deeper issues.

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:10

Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 12:08

And to be honest, the fact she has never met the man is neither here nor there. It sounds like a lot is being stirred up for her. Maybe she fears death and this is making her freak out. It doesn't have to be about what is literally happening. It can point to deeper issues.

Well everything can point to deeper issues but it isn’t for OP to help her unpick them. Nor donee have to assume every unreasonable behaviour by others is due to psychological factors and therefore indulge it.

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:10

*nor do we, bloody phone

1FootInTheRave · 04/05/2023 12:11

Attention seeking grief thief.

Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 12:11

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:10

Well everything can point to deeper issues but it isn’t for OP to help her unpick them. Nor donee have to assume every unreasonable behaviour by others is due to psychological factors and therefore indulge it.

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Which is why I suggested she mention counselling to her friend. I certainly wasn't suggesting that it was for the OP to help her unpick.

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2023 12:14

So the grandson needs support, his wife needs support, should there also be someone to support the friend to support the wife? It’s getting silly now, everyone seems to need ‘support’ for the most routine of life events

Support is as simple as a cup of tea or a place to vent, I’d hope that was the very least I could offer someone and know my friends would offer me the same. It takes nothing to send a caring message, even if you don’t care much about the particular issue the other is struggling with.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 04/05/2023 12:16

He’s the grandfather of her ex, with whom she has a tumultuous relationship, and is a man whom she has never met…

Yes, I can see why your patience is wearing a bit thin with multiple messages per day.

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:17

Jellycatspyjamas · 04/05/2023 12:14

So the grandson needs support, his wife needs support, should there also be someone to support the friend to support the wife? It’s getting silly now, everyone seems to need ‘support’ for the most routine of life events

Support is as simple as a cup of tea or a place to vent, I’d hope that was the very least I could offer someone and know my friends would offer me the same. It takes nothing to send a caring message, even if you don’t care much about the particular issue the other is struggling with.

Well that’s just regular friendship isn’t it? And she shouldn’t be ‘struggling’, let’s face it. She’s a parent and if she can’t cope with the death of an elderly man she has never met them how does she deal with the trials of ordinary life without collapsing into friends and needing constant ‘support’?

LakeTiticaca · 04/05/2023 12:18

It does seem rather bizarre to have so much invested in the declining health of someone she doesn't know and has never had any relationship with.
Let all her messages build up and then at the end of each day, just reply saying your sorry for what she's going through. Nothing else you can do really

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 04/05/2023 12:18

Just send her a message saying
hey I’ve been getting too many messages at work, it’s making me look bad. I don’t really need to know everything happening with sons great grandfather.

CiderJolly · 04/05/2023 12:20

Just stick a heart emoji on her messages and be done with it.

Redebs · 04/05/2023 12:22

Spottycarousel · 04/05/2023 12:08

And to be honest, the fact she has never met the man is neither here nor there. It sounds like a lot is being stirred up for her. Maybe she fears death and this is making her freak out. It doesn't have to be about what is literally happening. It can point to deeper issues.

Precisely this.
Especially if she has a young child. Sometimes the inescapable facts of existence can creep up on someone. I'm often shaken by thoughts of the fragility and impermanence of humans.

Mrsjayy · 04/05/2023 12:23

You don't have to care but she is looking to offload and maybe get a bit of attention not in a negative look at me way just looking for a bit of support, make the occasional oh that's a shame noises send a care emoji whatever, you don't have to answer to them all though.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/05/2023 12:23

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:04

Counselling because a man she never met is dying? Really?

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Counselling because of her obsession maybe?

ilovesooty · 04/05/2023 12:25

dawngreen · 04/05/2023 12:01

I think its a subject people avoid in life. Can you not miss a few calls if you are at work? Add a few white lies such as the battery was flat on your mobile, or your boss is in a bad mood so cannot chat often.

Those aren't white lies - they're unpleasant lying avoidance tactics.

Understandable OP if you can't respond immediately if at work or otherwise occupied but it sounds as though she does need support right now.

WonderBetty · 04/05/2023 12:26

She sounds like a typical grief thief and I'd be tempted to call her bluff along the lines of 'Oh sweetheart, it sounds like you're really struggling with this. I didn't realise you were so close?'

My response is probably coloured by my own experience. We suffered a huge family tragedy and an acquaintance who had form for this malarkey was all over social media bemoaning how upsetting it was for her and lapping up the attention.

WeeblesWobbled · 04/05/2023 12:27

Hoppinggreen · 04/05/2023 11:34

I wouldn’t care either but I might make some appropriate noises to my friend so she thought I did

Exactly!Just make the right noises as a show of support to your friend.

LuvSmallDogs · 04/05/2023 12:27

I'm surprised that someone in the family is apparently keeping her so up to date with what ward he's on etc - I hope they're updating her unprompted and not getting badgered by her!

Does your friend often make situations that aren't about her, about her?

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:29

We suffered a huge family tragedy and an acquaintance who had form for this malarkey was all over social media bemoaning how upsetting it was for her and lapping up the attention.

Awful. We had a work tragedy and some attention seeking colleagues who barely knew the person involved were all over it, bringing it up constantly and saying how upset they were. Once the attention dies down they never mentioned the person again.

Sometimes people are just unpleasant - dramatic, attention seeking, selfish - and it doesn’t require much further psychoanalysis than that.

Sorry for your loss 💐

Peachy2005 · 04/05/2023 12:29

Put her on mute if it’s in Whats App so she’s not popping up on your screen during the day. Tell her you’re very busy in work if she asks why you’re not reading her messages.

As someone suggested, just do the heart emoji reaction to her messages: I only learned how to do this for texts the other day. She should back off a bit when she’s getting less feedback.

Skybluepinky · 04/05/2023 12:31

She is talking to u so she can cope with her feelings, she doesn’t think u r interested!!!!
U obviously have a lot to learn about friendship!

Tidsleytiddy · 04/05/2023 12:34

YouAndICollide · 04/05/2023 12:00

Sound more like attention seeking then, rather than her being actually upset.

I know someone that would very happily enjoy the drama of someone she wasn’t really attached to and be a bit of a grief thief, no real concern for those it was having a very real impact on. It’s more something yo gossip about and try to get sympathy for. Very weird. Not my sort of person and I wouldn’t be friends either with someone who acted like that.

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^This and I wouldn’t be the slightest bit interested. I’m sure she doesn’t even know the old man. It’s attention-seeking and trying to link herself in some way to her child’s father.