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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not really care that they are dying?

123 replies

SouperMario · 04/05/2023 11:29

Fully prepared to be slated here for being cruel but just need a minor rant before getting back to my day.

My friend has been messaging me a blow by blow account of the father of her child’s grandfather (so her toddlers great grandfather) who has been seriously ill in hospital.

To be honest - I don’t care. Not in the slightest. I’ve never met the guy, I don’t like the father of her child. I don’t even know why she seems to care so much. I am finding it really annoying getting these messages all week at work - what am I meant to reply? Of course it’s sad when anyone is seriously ill or dies, but people die every minute of every day. We cannot stop to mourn them all. If it was her relative, of course I would do all I could to support her.

Sorry if I sound callous! Rant over.

OP posts:
Toomanylatenightprogs · 04/05/2023 13:10

Does she like a bit of drama? For some people being attached to a death, no matter how many degrees separated, makes them a part of it in their heads.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/05/2023 13:10

So someone very old who she’s never even met is dying - and she needs counselling? I’ve heard it all now.

LaughableMonarchy · 04/05/2023 13:10

I wouldn’t care either OP … sounds like your friend is loving the drama of it all. I’d just ignore her

Jusmakingit · 04/05/2023 13:12

ohh OP i have a friend recently try to make me feel guilty for not being there for them when x,y,z are ill in hospital (mainly grandparents, step grandparent , dogs ex removed mother in law) and I AGREE with you.

You can be someones friend without having to live what they are living and having them offload their emotions and feelings multiple times a day. that is what a therapist is for if she is that affected by her distant relative? dying.

I only have enough head space for my immediate familys problems, which usually sit behind my childrens and partners problems on a daily basis.

Mentally i do not have space for a friends grief. I would just slowly stop replying or atleast wait til the evening or the next morning to reply, this way she should stop hounding you with depressing text messages.

Ktime · 04/05/2023 13:15

I don’t think she has even met him. He lived on the other side of the world until very recently.

She sounds like a grief vampire.

Is she the type to post selfies taken at the hospital on Facebook?

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 04/05/2023 13:16

This reminds me of the receptionist at work when someone from another team, who possible past by reception once every year or two, lost a child in an accident, she was telling everyone every detail and update she was fishing out from the news, she organised a collection, got the guy a card, sent flowers and once the guy returned to work after bereavement leave, got him another card and didn’t lose opportunity to express her condolences repeatedly.

It was so stupidly over the top, eventually the organisation circulated an email saying the guy had asked for everyone to be thanked for the condolences and support but could you please stop talking to him about the accident as it was making very difficult for him and his family to deal with their grief.

that’s the effect of a grief volture, they are not supporting anyone, they are only making other people miserable because they enjoy seeing it the suffering.

Oopsididitagain18 · 04/05/2023 13:20

I wouldn’t find it annoying, however I am at absolute mental capacity and would find the constant dialogue draining.

id just send her a hearT / hugs emoji and not engage

Justcashnosweets · 04/05/2023 13:27

I wouldn't care either OP. And I'd be getting pissed off the constant messages aswell. This definitely smacks of a grief thief. Leave her to enjoy the drama, and respond occasionally with an emoji.

stayathomer · 04/05/2023 13:29

Maybe she met him, saw him in his current state, or is thinking of someone else she knows who is sick/old/dying. I think you do sound very harsh and need to figure out how you can start thinking about how other people feel above the needs of yourself not to hear it if you know what I mean?

RobinaHood · 04/05/2023 13:39

When someone is ill or dying, it often stirs up feelings that aren't about the individual. Your friend might be considering her own mortality, worrying about end of life decisions and who will know and respect her's, etc. You say it's been going on since last week. That's not really a long time.
Is there something else in your life that is frustrating you? Because I can't imagine being that annoyed at my best friend from high school sending me some messages.

Nimblesandbimbles · 04/05/2023 13:50

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:46

I don’t think we can say she shouldn’t be struggling, we don’t know what else is going on in someone’s life

This old chestnut… if there’s something else going on, she needs to say. I’m getting a bit tired of this expectation that we have to endlessly accommodate unreasonable behaviour on the off chance that there’s ‘something else going on in their life’ when most of the time there isn’t. In a similar vein there could be something else going on in OP’s life, yet the friend is here endlessly dumping on her about a matter which is literally nothing to do with her.

Totally agree with this!

sonjadog · 04/05/2023 13:53

I had a friend who would give me detailed updates throughout the day on the lives of people who I had never met and cared nothing about. Yes, it was tedious, but it was a sign that she was lonely and wanted contact. So I just put up with it. I stopped when she became more happy with her own life.

Riverlee · 04/05/2023 13:56

If it’s multiple messages, can you send a general reply, saying something like you are sorry she’s struggling, and rather than sending multiple messages, to call you in the evening if she needs to talk about it. You could even say that work commitments means you aren’t able to respond to them during the day etc, and hence why you’ve not been responding to them (and don’t respond to the daytime ones from No on).

AliceOlive · 04/05/2023 13:59

How does she know all of these details?

Fandabedodgy · 04/05/2023 14:01

I am so sorry your friends impending bereavement and all the stress that comes with terminal illness is boring you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can get through this.

LaMaG · 04/05/2023 14:05

She's just a gossip. If I was that elderly man or family I would be furious that she is sharing personal info to randomers (which OP is to them). Things like whether DNR is agreed, that's extremely personal within a family. And whatever their relationship is or was, I can imagine the child's father would feel this is a big invasion of privacy. I'd subtly say that maybe the family wouldn't like her to pass on such personal info and that might stop her. Also who is she even getting these updates from? I find it weird she even knows this stuff

AliceOlive · 04/05/2023 14:09

Fandabedodgy · 04/05/2023 14:01

I am so sorry your friends impending bereavement and all the stress that comes with terminal illness is boring you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can get through this.

He’s a complete stranger to the “bereaved”.

FrostyFifi · 04/05/2023 14:11

This is ludicrous. Your friend is ludicrous.

Scienceadvisory · 04/05/2023 14:12

Fandabedodgy · 04/05/2023 14:01

I am so sorry your friends impending bereavement and all the stress that comes with terminal illness is boring you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can get through this.

It's hardly the friend's 'impending bereavement '. It's the friend's ex's grandfather who the friend has never met before now. The dying man is essentially a stranger, there is no reason for the OP's friend to be so involved.

Ktime · 04/05/2023 14:14

Fandabedodgy · 04/05/2023 14:01

I am so sorry your friends impending bereavement and all the stress that comes with terminal illness is boring you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you can get through this.

How daft, she never even laid eyes on him, he lived on the other side of the world. If she's bereaved, I'm the Queen of Sheba Grin

justasking111 · 04/05/2023 14:18

Ponoka7 · 04/05/2023 11:59

She sounds a bit like a grief vampire. Also she has a complex relationship with the ex, which can make people obsess over them. In a way you are feeding it, but there's no other way to handle it. It won't go on much longer. I wouldn't pander to any angst over the funeral.

Grief vulture that's a good description. Not sure how anyone can grieve over a stranger but your friend is, so just make the right noises @SouperMario

Thoughtful2355 · 04/05/2023 14:19

No I'm definitely on your side on this one. It would wind me up to no one end.

It comes across as fishing for attention when people do this like oh poor me please give me attention because I'm grieving.

I know someone who does it as well, like ohh my friends 6th removed cousin from another country that I have never met/only met once who is 106 years old is dying so now I must be in mourning for a month and please go easy on me.

Seaweed42 · 04/05/2023 14:20

Well I guess she's the sort of person who needs to 'tell a story of terrible things happening to me' in order to get approval/sympathy/hugs/caring

for someone like that they love a dramatic story about someone that they can milk to get your attention.

Titchyfeep · 04/05/2023 14:26

YANBU to not care about the person dying because you don’t them, YABU to not support your friend who obviously is affected by this.

WeeblesWobbled · 04/05/2023 14:34

Coffeeandbourbons · 04/05/2023 12:04

Counselling because a man she never met is dying? Really?

Show quote history

The incident may have triggered unresolved grief of her own for the friend. She might not even recognise it as such.

We humans do very strange things. We all deserve to be cut a bit of slack and supported every now and then.