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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked him to list cleaning jobs so we could share them equally. He wrote…

121 replies

Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:24

Our house is a mess. We both work FT and have one child (aged 5). I WFH 9-5 weekdays and my partner is out of the house 8-6. I do most of the organisational stuff and feel he isn’t pulling his weight with the housework. So I asked him to list all the jobs that needed doing to keep a house clean so we could share them equally. He wrote:

Daily dishwasher-him
Weekly hoover-him
Bi weekly bathroom-him
Washing-me
Lawn mowing-him
Cleaner to be hired for monthly deep clean and windows

The house is a 4 bed, but we have a couple of unused/storage rooms which wouldn’t be included. We have a fab robot vacuum mop which I rev up every other day. Garden is small to medium sized. He would cut the grass but wouldn’t do anything with the edges/borders/weeding etc.
What would the monthly cleaner do for the “deep clean” and how much would this cost?
He has said that he doesn’t really see what I do around the house. I feel like I’m constantly in mess and dirt. As an example, the bathroom taps are still covered in his beard hair. I can’t stand this level of disgustingness and am too embarrassed to ever invite anyone around.

YABU - He is doing his fair share.
YANBU - This is nowhere near what needs to be done and is not a fair split.

OP posts:
craigth162 · 03/05/2023 22:26

Not sure about fair split but that is nowhere near everything that needs done

PotatoSoufle · 03/05/2023 22:28

That’s not everything that needs to be done, but if he’s already doing those bits then it’s a start. There’s a few apps where you can divvy up housework chores, if that’s your preference.

Tigofigo · 03/05/2023 22:28

Why don't you download a cleaning list and go through it together and amend it for your situation (also possibly try to lower your standards a bit)

www.google.com/search?q=list+of+household+chores&client=ms-android-google&prmd=inv&sxsrf=APwXEdfJlx3DkY53q6SioxbhxMSAax6Vaw:1683149238016&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwi9-73Di9r-AhUPa8AKHTLlAuwQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=412&bih=784&dpr=2.63#imgrc=ZS8F9vFALde9TM

Changingplace · 03/05/2023 22:29

So you write your list and then you compare?

No mention of the kitchen, mopping floors, emptying/cleaning bins, dusting, loads more tbh but unless you list it out too how will he see it?

qazxc · 03/05/2023 22:30

That is not a complete list. Why not get a checklist from a website like The Organised Mum Method and divide up the tasks between you.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/05/2023 22:30

How can you even divy chores up when he doesn't even comprehend the minimum of ehat needs doing?

DietCokeUser · 03/05/2023 22:31

He's not taking account of the general, clean-as-you-go work that needs to be done- making beds and sweeping floors and wiping surfaces etc.

electriclight · 03/05/2023 22:31

So he wants you to do the laundry. I think that's sensible as presumably you can bung a load in while wfh.

And he will do vacuuming and bathrooms, with a monthly thorough clean (floors, dusting, windows, bathroom/kitchen) carried out by a cleaner.

He'll empty the dishwasher every day so presume you're doing the cooking?

He'll cut the grass but bigger jobs might be a weekend joint effort.

Seems fair to me, but I'd prefer a fortnightly cleaner.

Tinkerbyebye · 03/05/2023 22:32

So now do a proper list including everything, including the dirty taps and why, and then share it out

and in the garden I would put lawn mowing, weeding borders and everything else

Dotcheck · 03/05/2023 22:32

I would stick to the list so he can see how far it falls short

electriclight · 03/05/2023 22:33

Things like the beard aren't proper cleaning jobs it's just cleaning up after yourself as you go. If your house is disgusting I doubt he's the only one guilty of that.

domesticgodmess · 03/05/2023 22:33

Leaving beard trimmings in the sink is really grim, whoever said lower your standards hopefully wasn't referring to letting that slide.

MagicSpring · 03/05/2023 22:34

Well, it’s a start. And honestly, it would be an improvement on many weeks in our house. And he would be the one to deal with the beard hair.

Clearing surfaces so that there’s any chance of cleaning them seems to be the thing we all fail at dismally.

Original poster
Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:36

(also possibly try to lower your standards a bit)

Not sure I could go much lower than hairy taps and toenails in the Lego.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 03/05/2023 22:38

Where’s your list? If he ‘can’t see what you do around the house’ then you need to show him.

And if he can’t clean his beard hair off the bathroom taps then his bi-weekly ‘clean’ is a bit pointless, eh?

ImAvingOops · 03/05/2023 22:38

Agree that's not a comprehensive list. But also you both need to do some basic cleaning up as you go along - so he should be washing the sink if he's shaved, you both should scrub the bath out after use, wipe the toilet daily, keep kitchen surfaces clear and wiped. Try to put things away as you go along and not let clutter build up.
But you need a list that includes everything like changing bedding, hanging laundry out to dry, sweeping/mopping floors, putting dry clothes away.
There are so many 'invisible' jobs that are only noticed when neither person does them.

BeastOfBODMAS · 03/05/2023 22:42

Assuming you have a lunch hour WFH, you have up to 3 hours a day extra non working time around the house. 15 hours a week. (Not taking childcare into account as you’ve not mentioned this)

If I were the parter working outside the home doing longer hours in this scenario I wouldn’t expect a 50/50 split. Taking salary and sex completely out of the equation, I’d think the WFH partner on shorter hours could take on a bit more than half.

ThinWomansBrain · 03/05/2023 22:53

If you're pushing this because you don't think he is doing enough and stuff is getting left, why on earth did you get him to write the list?

Original poster
Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:53

I have a 30 min lunch break which I use to for either the school run or a walk.
We have paid childcare until 5:30 Tue/Wed/Thurs.
He has very recently begun to have every Wednesday off and to work every other weekend 9-5, after working weekdays.

OP posts:
Original poster
Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:57

Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:53

I have a 30 min lunch break which I use to for either the school run or a walk.
We have paid childcare until 5:30 Tue/Wed/Thurs.
He has very recently begun to have every Wednesday off and to work every other weekend 9-5, after working weekdays.

We only have afterschool childcare. I do all of the getting ready, bag packed, clean shoes, water bottle etc

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 03/05/2023 23:10

It's the organisational stuff that's the killer. There is bloody loads of family admin and those jobs need to be written down and shared out as well.

SavBlancTonight · 03/05/2023 23:13

My god, the bar is low. She must "lower her standards" and theb30 minutes lunch break means she has more Time for household chores?!

The list is ridiculous. Partly because its leaving out sooooo much and partly because even with that last, is it fair? I mean, sure, dishwasher is a daily job but the rest? Washing is endless and relentless - sorting it, putting it on, hanging it up, taking it down, ironing (if.you do it), putting away.... multiple loads a week.

As for his list... hahahaha. I WFH. today, I have made dinner, cleaned up after including wiping down the fronts of the cupboards as that hasn't been done since cleaners were here last week. I did a light tidy of kids bedrooms so I could set the robot vacuum on in their rooms and bathroom. One load of washing which I hung up, after I removed and folded all the clothes on the airer from yesterday, swept the stairs.

Tomorrow dh will clean the bathrooms and change the bedding.

Between now and when the cleaners come again we will prepare mjltiple meals, clean up after, run robot vacuum around with the tidying that goes alongside it. Endless washing, folding and putting away (I have a lady who does the ironing. I noticed the doors are looking a bit icky so I eill do that or possibly ask cleaners to do it.

Oh, and cleaners come fortnightly for 6 hours and do more vacuuming, dusting, mopping, bathrooms, kitchen etc....

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 03/05/2023 23:18

Why didn't you write the list together if you're just going to criticise him for what he thinks is all that needs doing?

He's even put himself down for most jobs he thinks need doing...

Leaving hair on the tap is grim but is it possible he just doesn't see it? It sounds like you might have two different standards of cleanliness tbh if you think the house is disgusting and he doesn't.

Also, yes, you WFH. Which means you are there to be able to shove a load on/hang it out etc whilst grabbing a 5 minute break. Isn't that what people who love WFH say? It gives them chance to do these things?

LowBar · 03/05/2023 23:20

Tigofigo · 03/05/2023 22:28

Lower your standards lol.
Why can't he raise his? To just bare minimum standards?
From that list does he think you only do the washing? Does he therefore feel like he already does loads in comparison to you?
I find it interesting if he thinks you simply do washing.

BeastOfBODMAS · 03/05/2023 23:27

In your shoes I’d divvy up a fair split of downtime from work/chores/childcare plus quality time with DC. Then fit the housework around that.

Not trying to pick holes in your list premise, it just seems with getting used to a new shift pattern, burnout is the bigger risk to you both than unmapped floors? If you can afford the cleaner then get the cleaner and have time to enjoy each other a bit more.