I asked him to list cleaning jobs so we could share them equally. He wrote…

[Longchip]

Our house is a mess. We both work FT and have one child (aged 5). I WFH 9-5 weekdays and my partner is out of the house 8-6. I do most of the organisational stuff and feel he isn’t pulling his weight with the housework. So I asked him to list all the jobs that needed doing to keep a house clean so we could share them equally. He wrote:

Daily dishwasher-him
Weekly hoover-him
Bi weekly bathroom-him
Washing-me
Lawn mowing-him
Cleaner to be hired for monthly deep clean and windows

The house is a 4 bed, but we have a couple of unused/storage rooms which wouldn’t be included. We have a fab robot vacuum mop which I rev up every other day. Garden is small to medium sized. He would cut the grass but wouldn’t do anything with the edges/borders/weeding etc.
What would the monthly cleaner do for the “deep clean” and how much would this cost?
He has said that he doesn’t really see what I do around the house. I feel like I’m constantly in mess and dirt. As an example, the bathroom taps are still covered in his beard hair. I can’t stand this level of disgustingness and am too embarrassed to ever invite anyone around.

YABU - He is doing his fair share.
YANBU - This is nowhere near what needs to be done and is not a fair split.

And getting a cleaner alone won’t solve the problem, the house will be clean for a couple of days.

So what do you think you do around the house currently? Why haven’t you already posted that?

Assuming you have a lunch hour WFH, you have up to 3 hours a day extra non working time around the house. 15 hours a week

I'm not understanding your arithmetic here.
1 Lunch hour x 5= 5 hours (or it was when I was at school!)

Not even going there on your logic as to why @Longchip should give up her lunch break to do what should be shared chores! @BeastOfBODMAS 🙄

It’s the lunch hour in addition to the DH being out of the house 2 extra hours for commuting.

@AppleCinnamonBagel it says she is 9-5 and he is 8-6 so that’s an hour either end of the day and one in the middle. Based on the info in the opening post anyway.

Obviously only 1 party is able to do the dishwasher in their lunch break, so make the other one responsible for the mental load/life admin stuff that he can do from out of the house.

OP also doesn’t say what he does, people have assumed office based but it could be difficult physical labour which would be relevant if he’s expected to come home and mow the lawn.

Who hoovers daily? I’d expect weekly because, you know, time.

If you can afford to get a cleaner OP do. It’s helped so much with my resentment towards DH for the same thing. My cleaner irons and changes the bed too. Starting using HelloFresh as well and DH does some of the shopping if his work schedule allows.

It’s so freeing not having the “big” cleaning jobs looming over you.

I agree with pp you need to write your own list. Which should include “clean up after yourself as you go” – it’s much easier and quicker to clean a bathroom that’s been cared for after each use than it is to wait for the beard hair to build up with toothpaste and soap scum and really need scrubbing. DP is a little like this: ignores the daily tiny things then wants to blitz everything. Doesn’t seem to get you need the daily stuff AND the blitz. The concept of wiping down the kitchen counter after every meal/snack/explosive fucking aero press coffee eludes him.

When your DH says dishwasher does he mean basic load/unload or is he also including scraping the plates, running a regular machine clean, topping up the rinse aid, cleaning the filter? Because if you’re doing all the latter necessary bits he needs that pointing out to him. Same with bins: taking the bin out is only part of the chore - putting a new bag in, cleaning the bin, adding bin bags to the shopping list, cleaning the kitchen wall behind the bin endlessly because my children are messy animals - it’s all part of it .

I am trying to say this kindly but don't you have better things to do with your life/time?

If you are both working and have enough money get a cleaner to do a couple of hours every week or every two weeks for the bigger jobs and work together to keep the most important stuff in order once a week.

You need to do the dishes every day but apart from that, you are not living in a show home...

You don't need to obsess about borders or spare rooms and every inch of your house does not have to be spotless every day.

Of course that works is everyone is a responsible adult and knows how to clean after themselves when they use the bathroom for example....That's not so much a cleaning issue just having good standards of basic hygiene and respect for the people you live with.

Oh here we go... another man who expects a 1950s style housewife yet isn't prepared to take on sole financial responsibility for his family and expects his wife to work.

Disgusting

Are you able to afford a cleaner?

Sound like you need an initial deep clean and then hopefully once a week top up.

I bloody love my cleaner. She gives us hours of our lives back plus has stopped the arguments about who does what

Came across this shared a while back by @Rainbowqueeen

vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf

It’s a comprehensive list of household chores and includes the mental load for the tasks, incredibly useful when you're thinking about dividing work.

why cant he just pour water over the taps and all around when hes finished with the beard. I wouldnt be using taps covered in hair, and it just washes away if done immediately

Alternative post:

Who hoovers every 2 -3 days?
Unless you have pets, allergies are or are very messy, a hoover once a week should be plenty.

(we hoover once a week. We have wooden flooring downstairs so would brush up any particular mess straight away, but there is no way the house needs hoovering every 2-3 days).

I agree the list isn't a complete list, but it is a starting point.

To be honest if I was asked to write down a list of every single cleaning task, I would probably start with hoovering, clean bathroom, clean kitchen - these encompass a whole lot of other things. I'd consider dusting to be a sub task of hoovering, and mopping floors to be a subtask of cleaning kitchen/bathroom, for example. I probably wouldn't instantly think about cleaning windows because that's an irregular task. Though I also wouldn't consider laundry or grass mowing to be "keeping the house clean" tasks, so it depends how you think about it. Nor is sorting out bags and stuff for the children.

Maybe you should write down the complete list of tasks and then, taking alternative turns, you can both assign your names to the tasks. As a gesture of goodwill, you could assign yourself to three tasks before the alternating begins, to account for his commute time. Point this out to him.

clean shoes is hardly an onerous chore! Please don't be one of those martyrs who lists endless "life admin" chores

DH's list is incomplete, but it's a start and at least he is engaging with the discussion

@Bellevu

That's a bloody good list.

I like the instructions as well, how you fill in one each first then come back together to discuss.

YANBU
Telling him to properly clean up after himself each time he leaves the bathroom would be a good start.
Cleaning up as you go is a lifestyle choice which reduces stress and chores further down the line.
If he seems not to understand that he’s an adult, you have a difficult job ahead of you.

You need to start with a proper list of EVERYTHING that needs doing. Then divide up between you. As you work from home there's lots you can be doing while you're there during the day (wash the dishes, peg clothes out etc)
I do think yabu to expect a cleaner to come once a month to do a deep clean! Most cleaners will come weekly or every other week to keep on top of the cleaning. If you do no hoovering/dusting/wiping for a month it will be grim in between cleans and the cleaner will get fed up of it resorting to the same state every month after they've made it nice for you! (My sister is a cleaner - she refuses once monthly cleans because of this)

I am far from a ‘clean freak’ (or whatever the term is) but I don’t think that’s enough. For example I wipe around the sink every other day due to toothpaste and beardy taps etc. there’s no mention about dusting, picking up random crap from the floor, de-cluttering etc

Thinking about it (after sweeping floor after kids breakfast) write down a list of everything you do. He might get a bit of a surprise.

This is it

Who is putting the dc to bed
Making pack lunches
Changing beds
Food planning and shopping
Cooking
Cleaning the kitchen before bed
Washing the pots
The list goes on
Household insurance
Kids clubs
Washing cars
Insuring cars

There's so much more to running a house than a deep clean and mowing the lawn

My DH would write a similar list. Clueless!
But I think you're playing games a little bit to make him produce the list - you know full well it won't be comprehensive enough. It's probably best if you do it and then decide between you what he does.
In our house, anything that can be regularly scheduled (bins, recycling, hoovering, windows, lawn) is DH's job - he then has alarms set on his phone to tell him to do them (so I don't have to!!) He also does a lot of the cooking.
Anything that can't be scheduled is mine.

A typical man’s list, they don’t seem to recognise the smaller but necessary jobs that a household requires because these get done by someone else before they realise.