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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked him to list cleaning jobs so we could share them equally. He wrote…

121 replies

Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:24

Our house is a mess. We both work FT and have one child (aged 5). I WFH 9-5 weekdays and my partner is out of the house 8-6. I do most of the organisational stuff and feel he isn’t pulling his weight with the housework. So I asked him to list all the jobs that needed doing to keep a house clean so we could share them equally. He wrote:

Daily dishwasher-him
Weekly hoover-him
Bi weekly bathroom-him
Washing-me
Lawn mowing-him
Cleaner to be hired for monthly deep clean and windows

The house is a 4 bed, but we have a couple of unused/storage rooms which wouldn’t be included. We have a fab robot vacuum mop which I rev up every other day. Garden is small to medium sized. He would cut the grass but wouldn’t do anything with the edges/borders/weeding etc.
What would the monthly cleaner do for the “deep clean” and how much would this cost?
He has said that he doesn’t really see what I do around the house. I feel like I’m constantly in mess and dirt. As an example, the bathroom taps are still covered in his beard hair. I can’t stand this level of disgustingness and am too embarrassed to ever invite anyone around.

YABU - He is doing his fair share.
YANBU - This is nowhere near what needs to be done and is not a fair split.

OP posts:
redskylight · 04/05/2023 08:33

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 04/05/2023 08:11

Who is putting the dc to bed
Making pack lunches
Changing beds
Food planning and shopping
Cooking
Cleaning the kitchen before bed
Washing the pots
The list goes on
Household insurance
Kids clubs
Washing cars
Insuring cars

There's so much more to running a house than a deep clean and mowing the lawn

OP only asked for a list of things that were needed to keep the house clean though.

Most of the things in your list are nothing to do with cleanliness of the house.

Naunet · 04/05/2023 08:34

BeastOfBODMAS · 04/05/2023 06:34

The person working out of the home might be more sensibly allocated more of meal planning/online shop /admin/finances jobs, so that they can contribute during their lunch break or commute. That’s what I was pointing towards. Some jobs you need to be physically in the building for and some you don’t, it seemed strange to ignore that in the list writing exercise.

Show quote history

Why the hell should the person WFH give up their lunch break to contribute more towards the family?! The person working in the office doesn’t do that, they get to enjoy their hours break. How selfish to assume just because someone is working from their house, that they don’t need to eat lunch and have a break too.

Barbecuebeans · 04/05/2023 08:36

HairyKitty · 04/05/2023 06:34

And getting a cleaner alone won’t solve the problem, the house will be clean for a couple of days.

This. Someone always mentions getting a cleaner on these threads, but although it provides some support, it's doesn't address the daily drudge work, that still needs to be done and is more time consuming than a quick spritz of the bath and mopping floors.

Maybe get a notepad and write down everything you do in a day that he doesn't 'notice' and that's your starting point for divvying up tasks. Although I don't really believe that people don't notice mess or dirt. They just think someone else will deal with it.

Barbecuebeans · 04/05/2023 08:38

redskylight · 04/05/2023 08:33

OP only asked for a list of things that were needed to keep the house clean though.

Most of the things in your list are nothing to do with cleanliness of the house.

Show quote history

Well it's a useful reminder and should be included in family tasks.

BertieBotts · 04/05/2023 08:39

I think he's asking you to tell him what you do.

I know it would be nice if he just noticed it and knew. But you've started the conversation and he has responded with a request for information. Yes, not worded in the most generous way.

If you're having a disagreement the draw is often to try and convince the other person that your point of view is right and theirs is wrong, but actually it's much more productive if you can both come at it from the perspective that you're probably both seeing two different sides of the elephant, and if you try to understand the other person's position then you get much further. That means sharing information rather than being irritated that he doesn't already see it. It does work both ways though.

Making a list of what you do over the course of a week or something might be a starting point, or some of the cards/lists as stated. I also really enjoy an app called Tody. You have to pay for the premium version if you want to share across devices, but it will tot up tasks for you and show you who is completing them.

pontipinemum · 04/05/2023 08:42

@Longchip what robot mop/ vac do you have misses the point spectacularly

I I think maybe make up your own list and tell him what he needs to do. I know you shouldn't have to do that but it might be the only way.

The beard trimmings is very annoying!! DH does that too

Whichnumbers · 04/05/2023 08:42

It’d be interesting to know how he felt if you just did the list.

washing, does that include drying laundry, folding ironing and putting away?

IWantToBeACat · 04/05/2023 08:51

Instead of getting him to write a list and then saying you do loads more that he doesn't realise, why don't you both just sit down together and talk through the day and between you come up with a full list of what you both do and then decide who needs to do what in a fair way? And things that annoy you, like his beard hair, which is easily solvable by him taking a few seconds to rinse after trimming.

His list might be incomplete, but at least he's done one. You haven't mentioned what he thinks of the one you have presumably done since that would only be fair? Why does it have to be so confrontational? Why can't people just talk?!

Iwasafool · 04/05/2023 08:54

I used to work Mon to Fri, DH did Mon to Thur on week, Mon to Sat the alternate week. What we did was on his Friday off he vacuumed the house, cleaned kitchen and bathrooms, put washing on general blitz of the house we then had a lovely weekend in a clean house. The other week I did the blitz on Saturday and we had a nice day on Sunday. Would something like that work? Obviously there are things that need doing during the week like putting the bins out and washing dishes but if the house has has the big clean those things don't seem bad.

Cinderellasfeatherduster · 04/05/2023 09:17

Mating my spot so I can find the organised mum method again!

Cinderellasfeatherduster · 04/05/2023 09:17

Mating my spot? Mating? Auto correct, you are not my friend.

gamerchick · 04/05/2023 09:22

You can't discuss this without a proper list OP. Start there.

Beautiful3 · 04/05/2023 09:34

When my husband and I first moved in together. I would cook and do laundry. He'd wash up, cut the grass and put the bin out. We both did the shopping on Saturdays. Sundays we both blitz cleaned the house together at the weekend. That's polishing, cleaning glass, hoovering, bathrooms and ironing. It took an hour and half, together.

Beautiful3 · 04/05/2023 09:36

FYI getting a cleaner to deep clean a house is very expensive. If you felt unable to clean, a weekly one would be cheaper in the long run. Also it's not nice having a dirty house most of the time.

Undertherock · 04/05/2023 09:55

It’s a good start.
Now make your list and then swop responsibilities for a week.

Differentiate, for the moment, between what you are actually getting done on a weekly basis and the jobs that aren’t getting done at all.

Leave those to the side for now.

It’s absolutely valid to outsource some of the work but you might need a weekly cleaner or a quarterly gardener. Keep an open mind for the moment.

But the next step is swop.

meandtheboy · 04/05/2023 09:57

ha, your DP is going to get a shock when he realises all the stuff that's not on his list, that the cleaning fairy does (so well that he doesn't even notice...)

Poopoolittlekitten · 04/05/2023 09:57

That list isn't going to keep a house clean! Get a weekly cleaner.

Ours :
cleans kitchen and bathrooms including floors, hoovers whole house, dusts/wipes surfaces. 3 hours, 4 bed house.

We make sure it's tidy and kids have picked up toys, clothes, surfaces are clear etc so she doesn't waste time tidying.

Everything else we do, incl day to day tidy, wiping down, laundry, dishwasher etc.. then all the life admin.

If we want something specific done - we'll ask. Every now and again we schedule her to come longer to wash windows and bigger jobs.

Xiaoxiong · 04/05/2023 10:03

I like how cleaning the kitchen isn't even on his list at all (besides the dishwasher). He needs to watch some of the "daily reset" videos on tiktok if he doesn't realise what goes into the day to day cleaning he "doesn't see".

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 04/05/2023 14:27

IWantToBeACat · 04/05/2023 08:51

Instead of getting him to write a list and then saying you do loads more that he doesn't realise, why don't you both just sit down together and talk through the day and between you come up with a full list of what you both do and then decide who needs to do what in a fair way? And things that annoy you, like his beard hair, which is easily solvable by him taking a few seconds to rinse after trimming.

His list might be incomplete, but at least he's done one. You haven't mentioned what he thinks of the one you have presumably done since that would only be fair? Why does it have to be so confrontational? Why can't people just talk?!

Because this is MN and men are evil, wicked, Dickensian figures who expect women to do all the housework, the childcare, work 23 hours a day and never have a break whilst they lounge around do nothing - even if, like this, they clearly help around the house whilst working more (if he works 8-6 he already works more hours + whatever commute time for example)

He was asked to make a list. He did. It definitely feels like OP was trying to one up and mock their DH. Sitting down together and discussing between you would of course be better but then OP couldn't pull a victim stunt...

piedbeauty · 04/05/2023 15:08

What about cooking? Shopping? Everything else?!

RafaistheKingofClay · 04/05/2023 15:21

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 04/05/2023 14:27

Because this is MN and men are evil, wicked, Dickensian figures who expect women to do all the housework, the childcare, work 23 hours a day and never have a break whilst they lounge around do nothing - even if, like this, they clearly help around the house whilst working more (if he works 8-6 he already works more hours + whatever commute time for example)

He was asked to make a list. He did. It definitely feels like OP was trying to one up and mock their DH. Sitting down together and discussing between you would of course be better but then OP couldn't pull a victim stunt...

Show quote history

He’s out of the house 8-6 isn’t he so that does include the commute time.

redskylight · 04/05/2023 15:52

piedbeauty · 04/05/2023 15:08

What about cooking? Shopping? Everything else?!

The OP asked for a list of things needed to keep the house clean.
Not a list of general things that need doing.

HairyKitty · 04/05/2023 15:54

redskylight · 04/05/2023 15:52

The OP asked for a list of things needed to keep the house clean.
Not a list of general things that need doing.

Show quote history

The OP has inferred that she’s not happy with his contribution, which if they aren’t dividing up the other non-cleaning tasks isn’t surprising.