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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I asked him to list cleaning jobs so we could share them equally. He wrote…

121 replies

Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:24

Our house is a mess. We both work FT and have one child (aged 5). I WFH 9-5 weekdays and my partner is out of the house 8-6. I do most of the organisational stuff and feel he isn’t pulling his weight with the housework. So I asked him to list all the jobs that needed doing to keep a house clean so we could share them equally. He wrote:

Daily dishwasher-him
Weekly hoover-him
Bi weekly bathroom-him
Washing-me
Lawn mowing-him
Cleaner to be hired for monthly deep clean and windows

The house is a 4 bed, but we have a couple of unused/storage rooms which wouldn’t be included. We have a fab robot vacuum mop which I rev up every other day. Garden is small to medium sized. He would cut the grass but wouldn’t do anything with the edges/borders/weeding etc.
What would the monthly cleaner do for the “deep clean” and how much would this cost?
He has said that he doesn’t really see what I do around the house. I feel like I’m constantly in mess and dirt. As an example, the bathroom taps are still covered in his beard hair. I can’t stand this level of disgustingness and am too embarrassed to ever invite anyone around.

YABU - He is doing his fair share.
YANBU - This is nowhere near what needs to be done and is not a fair split.

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 03/05/2023 23:35

You need to make a list and then compare.

I'd get a weekly cleaner if you can afford it. That will take a load of pressure off.

It sounds like a big part of the problem is the very basic tasks. I doubt anyone would put 'clean beard hair from taps' if asked to write a list of jobs because that's something he should be doing without even thinking about it.

TeenLifeMum · 03/05/2023 23:46

I used to passive aggressively say to dd “oh dad packs school bags, he’s good at that” in dh’s ear shot. This was after I went full time and dh was trying to “help” But didn’t know what needed doing and I hated nagging him.

probably not idea but my point was made and dh noticed dc would walk past him and up the stairs to find me in the shower and ask me to open a frube! That made dh realise dc came to me for everything and we had to retrain dc that dh was a competent adult… I’d stayed home while dh was commuting 2 hours a day. It all switched when I worked ft and dh began wfh.

Snugglemonkey · 03/05/2023 23:53

BeastOfBODMAS · 03/05/2023 22:42

Assuming you have a lunch hour WFH, you have up to 3 hours a day extra non working time around the house. 15 hours a week. (Not taking childcare into account as you’ve not mentioned this)

If I were the parter working outside the home doing longer hours in this scenario I wouldn’t expect a 50/50 split. Taking salary and sex completely out of the equation, I’d think the WFH partner on shorter hours could take on a bit more than half.

But the person in the office gets a lunch break. So why not the person at home?

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 03/05/2023 23:58

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 03/05/2023 23:18

Why didn't you write the list together if you're just going to criticise him for what he thinks is all that needs doing?

He's even put himself down for most jobs he thinks need doing...

Leaving hair on the tap is grim but is it possible he just doesn't see it? It sounds like you might have two different standards of cleanliness tbh if you think the house is disgusting and he doesn't.

Also, yes, you WFH. Which means you are there to be able to shove a load on/hang it out etc whilst grabbing a 5 minute break. Isn't that what people who love WFH say? It gives them chance to do these things?

I just don't believe he doesn't notice.

I bet he'd notice if he went to a hotel and there was beard hair all over the taps, hair and soap scum in the shower.

sandyhappypeople · 04/05/2023 00:06

How much of the housework do you do OP? I may be reading it completely wrong but it seems you don't really want to do much of it? Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick, but I don't really understand why the house would be so bad if you have every evening and weekend to keep on top of things? He works 5 days one week and 6 days the next week and he has evenings as well, so you should really be able to piss it between you, why not divvy up and blast it one morning a week each, then clean up after yourselves as you go? Or just get a cleaner to do all the stuff you're not keen on?

My sister had a problem with her exH a few years back, he wouldn't do a thing around the house as he went to work while she was a SAHM for years, so she stopped doing anything too, the house was fucking filthy (by anyone's standards), but neither would budge, it was really grim and they didn't have a very happy home life as they just resented each other. But the truth of the matter was she just doesn't like cleaning and keeping a neat home, she still doesn't, the house she lives in is not as bad as before but it's not far off, she just doesn't seem bothered by it to be fair.

NoTouch · 04/05/2023 00:22

I asked him to list all the jobs that needed doing to keep a house clean

Was that his homework? Maybe dont treat him like a child and he wont act like one. You purposely set him up to fail so you could then challenge him. This is not a healthy way for a couple to communicate.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/05/2023 00:44

electriclight · 03/05/2023 22:31

So he wants you to do the laundry. I think that's sensible as presumably you can bung a load in while wfh.

And he will do vacuuming and bathrooms, with a monthly thorough clean (floors, dusting, windows, bathroom/kitchen) carried out by a cleaner.

He'll empty the dishwasher every day so presume you're doing the cooking?

He'll cut the grass but bigger jobs might be a weekend joint effort.

Seems fair to me, but I'd prefer a fortnightly cleaner.

Those things need doing a lot more than once a month especially with children. As you say, preference for a fortnightly cleaner. My cleaners come fortnightly but flooring needs vacuuming more frequently.

It sounds as if he’s not cleaning anything properly op. Comprising a complete list would be useful for you to show him and work out a way round this.

Gillbil · 04/05/2023 00:53

You need to write your version of a list, also when he says he does this, what's his time scale? A day- cool. A week... a year?

VintageBlossomHill · 04/05/2023 00:54

Longchip · 03/05/2023 22:24

Our house is a mess. We both work FT and have one child (aged 5). I WFH 9-5 weekdays and my partner is out of the house 8-6. I do most of the organisational stuff and feel he isn’t pulling his weight with the housework. So I asked him to list all the jobs that needed doing to keep a house clean so we could share them equally. He wrote:

Daily dishwasher-him
Weekly hoover-him
Bi weekly bathroom-him
Washing-me
Lawn mowing-him
Cleaner to be hired for monthly deep clean and windows

The house is a 4 bed, but we have a couple of unused/storage rooms which wouldn’t be included. We have a fab robot vacuum mop which I rev up every other day. Garden is small to medium sized. He would cut the grass but wouldn’t do anything with the edges/borders/weeding etc.
What would the monthly cleaner do for the “deep clean” and how much would this cost?
He has said that he doesn’t really see what I do around the house. I feel like I’m constantly in mess and dirt. As an example, the bathroom taps are still covered in his beard hair. I can’t stand this level of disgustingness and am too embarrassed to ever invite anyone around.

YABU - He is doing his fair share.
YANBU - This is nowhere near what needs to be done and is not a fair split.

@Longchip sorry I have no advice as I’m struggling massively with housework/kids/working full time.

you mentioned that you have a fab robot hoover/mop. Can I ask for the details please? I have a robot hoover and thinking of upgrading it to a hoover/mop so I’m keen for a recommendation. Thanks

ChickenMacaroni · 04/05/2023 01:08

He has every Wednesday off with the kids in childcare until 5.30pm? It sounds like you don't get any time off work without kids around (and have them on your own one weekend in two since this change?) If I've read that right then he could spend 2 or 3 hours of his childfree Wednesday doing jobs - and do the school run both ends of the day - and still have time to relax, cycle, nap etc. I think that'd give you both a bit of breathing space.

mathanxiety · 04/05/2023 01:24

You need to write a comprehensive list showing every single thing you do in a day, including everything you do for the children and everything you do by way of organisation - grocery list making, etc. Keep a running note one day.

Then list occasional things you do.

He needs to see what gets done.

MrsMikeDrop · 04/05/2023 01:40

Well cooking is a major thats been missed, but I'd be thrilled if my husband did that! Looks like he's doing the majority - but if you're doing it this way, then you may as well list it all as it seems like you don't think he's doing his share.

DemiColon · 04/05/2023 02:43

It's useful to have his list, it gives you some insight into how he thinks about it. It seems like he;s never really learned to clean properly, and he's not all that aware of his environment. Did he come from a slobby family?

In any case, I would look at a more comprehensive list. It's usually best to try and group tasks in a way that makes sense, if your division of labour is too complicated it won't work. I'd also try and work with his strengths for now.

Organizing absolutely counts as work, I would just say, don't try and share the same tasks on this kind of thing, it usually makes the job bigger and more complex.

JMSA · 04/05/2023 03:06

Just get a bloody cleaner. Life's too short for this.

suburbophobe · 04/05/2023 03:11

He has said that he doesn’t really see what I do around the house.

Words fail me.

Jackienory · 04/05/2023 03:55

Get a cleaner and stop playing silly games.

sashh · 04/05/2023 05:16

So who does the cooking and the shopping?
Surely the kitchen and bathroom need at least a wipe down every day.
Front of kitchen cupboards once a week.
Kitchen and bathroom floors if your robot doesn't do them.
Meal planning.
Dusting, including skirting boards and window sills.
Ironing.
Picking up clutter and putting away.

Do you have children?

Thoughtful2355 · 04/05/2023 05:25

who hoovers weekly? i hoover my house every day.. id expect at least ever 2-3 days

snitzelvoncrumb · 04/05/2023 05:35

Look up the fair play cards. I think that could help in your situation.

DisquietintheRanks · 04/05/2023 05:54

Thoughtful2355 · 04/05/2023 05:25

who hoovers weekly? i hoover my house every day.. id expect at least ever 2-3 days

We hoover weekly, can't see why we'd do it more frequently. We dust, mop floors and clean bathrooms weekly too. Kitchen gets more but that's it.

123rainbow · 04/05/2023 06:18

I agree if your at home surely have time to do some basics, like a washing, or quick wipe down. Then on a Sunday, get everyone involved to tackle some jobs together. When I work from home, if I had a spare 5 minutes, I would wipe down a surface or wash out the toilet.

SchoolShenanigans · 04/05/2023 06:23

Whilst I agree that that list is minimal, you seem very quick to judge his input whilst totally ignoring your own.

He gave himself 80% of the tasks and you 20%.

Where's your list?

What have you offered to do beyond the washing?

Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife · 04/05/2023 06:31

Not the point of the thread, but a few people have mentioned the robot vac, can I ask which brand people recommend?? And are they worth the money and really as awesome as they seem??

HairyKitty · 04/05/2023 06:33

@Longchip what do you think the complete list is?
Deciding what to cook and cooking every day is not equivalent to unloading the dishwasher
For starters all the getting kids ready stuff needs to be on there, where’s the ironing, sorting laundry, changing sheets, cleaning stove and sink, cleaning the loo/basin etc.

Wheres menu planning, grocery shopping and bills/accounts management. If you’re doing all the household admin on top of an equal share of housework it won’t feel very equal because it isn’t!

Theres loads missing off that list and you are wondering why the house feels dirty.
Also, no you shouldn’t need to spend your lunch hour doing housework on top of your share 😵‍💫. If you’re both working equal hours then it’s up to you when you do your share of the housework.

BeastOfBODMAS · 04/05/2023 06:34

Snugglemonkey · 03/05/2023 23:53

But the person in the office gets a lunch break. So why not the person at home?

Show quote history

The person working out of the home might be more sensibly allocated more of meal planning/online shop /admin/finances jobs, so that they can contribute during their lunch break or commute. That’s what I was pointing towards. Some jobs you need to be physically in the building for and some you don’t, it seemed strange to ignore that in the list writing exercise.