I asked him to list cleaning jobs so we could share them equally. He wrote…

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Our house is a mess. We both work FT and have one child (aged 5). I WFH 9-5 weekdays and my partner is out of the house 8-6. I do most of the organisational stuff and feel he isn’t pulling his weight with the housework. So I asked him to list all the jobs that needed doing to keep a house clean so we could share them equally. He wrote:

Daily dishwasher-him
Weekly hoover-him
Bi weekly bathroom-him
Washing-me
Lawn mowing-him
Cleaner to be hired for monthly deep clean and windows

The house is a 4 bed, but we have a couple of unused/storage rooms which wouldn’t be included. We have a fab robot vacuum mop which I rev up every other day. Garden is small to medium sized. He would cut the grass but wouldn’t do anything with the edges/borders/weeding etc.
What would the monthly cleaner do for the “deep clean” and how much would this cost?
He has said that he doesn’t really see what I do around the house. I feel like I’m constantly in mess and dirt. As an example, the bathroom taps are still covered in his beard hair. I can’t stand this level of disgustingness and am too embarrassed to ever invite anyone around.

YABU - He is doing his fair share.
YANBU - This is nowhere near what needs to be done and is not a fair split.

Quite true. But it's not really surprising he didn't list things that she didn't ask him to list.

She says he’s out of the house 8-6, not that he works 8-6. His commute time is included in the 8-6 – perhaps he works 9-5 or perhaps he works 8.30 to 5.30, it’s only a negligible difference if so. OP doesn’t have the commute but she obviously has the school runs instead, so they’re fairly equal on working hours plus a thing. He though gets the benefit of a clean )presumably) workplace whereas she works somewhere where the taps are covered in beard hair.

You're right. I've misread it. She works 9-5, he's out 8-6 not working those hours

He's offering a solution to your cleaning, why is that unreasonable?

Men are useless at this my husband does next to nothing and it irks me no end. I put yanbu but I don’t know how to solve it. Other than to leave him 😂😂😂They’re blind as a bad

Oooooh, are you me?

This is my life too

I have been thinking about writing a list of stuff i do around house so that i can allocate 50% to him

I know it's not the MN way but if you've got 2 hours extra per day, I'd expect you to be picking up most of it.

If you use one of the "methods" and keep on top of it, it really doesn't need more than 30 mins per day, especially if you're paying for a monthly deep clean.

Are you calculating the two hours because he has the commute and she doesn’t? She does the school run, though, and all the organisational stuff. So she’s used her two hours already. They’re not extra: they’re full.

You might be right but I think if the school run was taking an hour each way OP may have mentioned it 😆

I hoover downstairs daily or more if needed, upstairs more like twice a week though.

It wouldn’t need to be an hour each way more like 20 mins each way as she has to get back home and has to do it twice a day plus get the kids out of the door.

The mental load thing is important. Make sure you tell him how stressful it is worrying about all that stuff. Choosing the right cupcakes for the school bake sale, remembering which sandwich filling DC likes ... there was a whole thread on it a couple of months ago. A real eye opener.

Make sure you also point out that anything he thinks about or worries about is trivial, inconsequential man stuff that doesn't count as mental load. Only the things you care about matter - because you are a queen! If he doesn't like it, leave him. And become a lesbian. (There was a whole thread on that a couple of months back too ... another eye opener).

Getting a cleaner in for a deep clean monthly isn't going to save your sanity in between cleans, maybe bimonthly?

If you do engage a cleaner, go with recommendations, ask for references and get a detailed list of what they do every clean. Some will change sheets and put the others in the washing machine ready to be washed.

If you don't engage a cleaner print out a detailed cleaning list. Print out a photo of the bathroom sink after you've cleaned it and stick it up in the bathroom so everyone knows what is acceptable. I have had a rule in my house forever, if it doesn't have a place it goes in the bin, trust me they pick up their shit and put it away quickly. You also need to make sure everything has a 'place'

You have paid childcare until 5 30pm. No commute. Your H's list isnt great but its a start at least, also he's open to the idea of getting a cleaner in. Somehow it comes across as because you work and do the morning school run - you dont, and don't want to, do much in the home either. Although its confusing as you said your lunch break is spent doing school run, I think? How/why, if youve paid childcare until evening?

Where's your list, does it involve more planning than doing? I see your point re your H, he needs to tidy up after himself. But maybe you do too. Housework is never ending, worse when you've a small child but people working outside the home too have to get on with it dont they. Lots of tips for organising housework online

Would it not make sense for you to make a list of the jobs you think need doing and then you both sit down and decide who does what? You are the one who is at home so you are more likely to know what actually needs doing whereas he probably won't see the other jobs that are definitely there and need doing. You have my sympathy regarding the beard hair, my DH's beard hair seems to get everywhere, he's pretty good at tidying it up most of the time if he isn't running late and I do love his beard so I don't mind too much about it, but it can get frustrating when you are trying to give the children a bath and you have to clean up the beard hair first, or you want a shower but have to clean the beard hair first.

So he's written a list, OP wrote this post.
Perhaps if you both stopped fannying around writing about the state of your 'filthy' house and cleaning it there wouldn't be a problem.
Arguing about it, writing about, it, thinking about it doesn't clean it.
Cracking on and cleaning it actually works believe it or not.

my DH is a wonderful man who was raised by a wonderful woman who taught him to pull his weight… however, he hoovers and dusts… I do bathrooms (2.5), kitchen, utility, because… if the hoovering and dusting aren’t 💯 perfect… my world won’t end.

as for in the week stuff… yes he clears up beard hair because, well, that’s obvious… and he will pick ip his pants and wet towels, but he would also make a sarnie and leave the crumbs 😂. I do the lions share during the week, I get home earlier than him, so that’s fair, but equally Ken just don’t think about it the way we do unless forced. It’s not an excuse, it’s just that it’s the whole ‘Men are from Mars’ thing, they just don’t seem to see some things….

It would be much better to sit down together and draw up a chart for the week and complete it so he has a visual aid to reference, but, if you can afford a cleaner, get one!

That seems like a fairly meagre list to me, especially as you both work full time and have a young child.

What about:

Laundry/ironing/putting clothes away
Changing beds
General cleaning up - kitchen floors, surfaces, etc.
I would need to hoover more than once a week
Shopping/cooking
Putting the rubbish out
Cleaning windows and blinds/curtains
Sorting out outgrown clothes and tidying cupboards now and again

Doing the dishwasher is hardly an arduous job

I like the idea of the Organised Mum Method (though why particularly directed at Mum I wonder)

I've just come out of hospital. I was in for a week with 6 broken ribs. I am 68. On returning home I had to clean the bathroom sink and bleach the toilet. My partner had done no cleaning. The flat was filthy. I'd sooner be in hospital. Nothing gets done in here unless I do it. You sound like you have an OK life OP. I would love a cleaner.

Sounds like his standards aren’t the same as yours so for example while he thinks he is cleaning the bathrooms you still feel like it is grotty. I feel you.
I notice his list makes it seem like he is doing more which is unfair and inaccurate.
As the parent who is home more (by default, I do appreciate that you’re working and not lazing around all day) the parenting is falling to you too which includes the overseeing of dressing, feeding, homework, transport of child… these things don’t just happen.
I imagine that WFH gives you less chance to escape for a breather, the house is your near constant environment so of course you are noticing things more than him and feel it piling up. It’s not easy. As others have suggested, if you can afford the cleaner then go for it! Less arguments and resentment all round, more time to spend enjoying yourselves as a family.