To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

@ItsCalledAConversation Shes not. You really think this should all be facilitated over a bloody TV. And i cant help noticing you havent mentioned Child Support So im assuming you also think that should be adjusted accordingly?

Unless your suggesting that the Op’s child should be allowed to leave home at 12 when they object to a house rule then your suggesting the impossible.

It can’t be exactly the same when a child has two homes.

Otherwise you're just setting them up for a lifetime of mental health shite.

Disney parenting from the father, no rules and allowing them to pull stunts like leaving over a Tv (and TVs in bedrooms are normally a massive MN no-no so if the mother posted she’d be encouraged absolutely not to give in!) will set them up for a lifetime of issues as well…

And yet in response to me saying I do everything for DSC you asked me what I expected when I married his father? erm... Not to have to do everything for his child?

But singling him out DOES tale away from the argument that OP is already solely responsible for far too much of the childcare & house stuff.

If she focuses on DSC in any pushback argument with DH, he will just guilt trip her about it. (Standard bio dad Script to wife 2, innit).
If she focuses on the full picture, & how skewed it is in his favour because he leaves all the drudgery to her already, she has a better chance of standing her ground.

What do you mean exactly by "love them as your own"?

Or, the OP could continue to lay out her boundaries.

Meanwhile, the child's parents could come up with appropriate plans. Which may include, making time to taxi him around (if he can't get himself to school). Or, telling him "no" sometimes. "No we're both working, you'll have to get the bus".

So ramp it up. Go full time. Then DH has no argument to present to you.

As is often the case, the thread is focusing on the wrong thing. Your problem here is your DH. He is not stepping up to do his share of all the parenting (your shared and your step children) and you are being left with it.

For your own DC, you are aware of this but letting it go at this point. Spoiler: you will probably start to resent this more in time. Also, the irritation is slightly mitigated by the fact that you are also in control - you decide what they eat, where they go, the rules etc.

However, in the case of the DSS, you are already resentful by not only doing more but now, to make matters worse, by not having a say in what you will be doing to support this transition.

Your DH doesn't get to have it both ways. If he wants to leave childcare and responsibilities to you, then he also has to accept that you get to make the decisions. And in this case, that is that either DSS does not spend more time with you OR that if he is with you, the rules and expectations are changed in line with YOUR preferences ie he gets finite screen time, no more lifts to school etc etc.

Obviously, it's a child so this analogy is too blunt but you wouldn't agree to your DH getting a dog if you were the one who would have to do all the care of it.

When he's at yours, he's treated the same as your own kids.

When he's not, he's not.

Would that not be achievable? I get that he has two homes obviously.

The fact your DH doesn't pull his weight around the house is a separate issue that you need to sort out, and it isn't your DSC who should have to pay for it IYSWIM.

@JenniferBooth I don't know anything about child support and not quite sure I understand your last post tagged to me.

This might be a good opportunity to make some changes. Compare each of your work hours and work out what percentage of household work he should be doing. Write out the list of jobs together and divide them up.

What, 2nd paragraph in the OP's first, opening post? Not early enough for you?

Of course your DH can do it. If he was a single mum, he'd find a way, just as thousands of single mums on here have.

I'm a single mum. I work full time, look after ds 100% of the time, travel for work, do school runs, manage holidays, everything. It just takes will, reorganisation and determination. It sounds like you are married to a lazy, entitled sexist git.

Tell him children are not solely women's work, and to get off his bottom and parent his son. Or show him this thread. Honestly, why are men so totally lame?

Increase / harden the house rules so they compare with mums house

I asked whether you thought Child Support paid to the bio Mum should reduce if SS goes to live with OP full time

Well the easiest thing to do OP would be for you to become the main wage earner and for your dh to go part time and take over the childcare/home making. So why not try that?

I already do live with him half the week, and I practically do everything for him during that time.

I think you're being unreasonable to have allowed this way from the start, it seems like you've treated him as a guest rather than a family member in relation to expectations. I also think you're unreasonable for demanding that DH now does all of it, that just sends the message that you don't want him to live with you so you're putting an unachievable barrier in the way.

You are definitely not being unreasonable to accept being treated like a skivvy.

I'd see this a positive thing, you obviously feel very put upon at the minute, because you are, far too much, so now's the perfect chance to change it! You could discuss it with DH first then have a family meeting (with ex too if necessary) and say you're happy to have him live with you, but the workload for yourself would be too much, so the only way it can logistically happen is if DH steps up a bit more, DSC pitches in with chores (whatever he's not doing now, makes bed, loads dishwasher etc), he stays with ex during holidays or you share, so you don't have to lose all your holiday entitlement, he gets himself to school in summer etc unless its pissing down or cold/winter etc.. whatever you feel is important, get it all on the table. And unless everyone agrees to some sort of compromise all round, then it would be a no from me too, the ball really is in their court then.

The bottom line is, why would you want to be doing all this for DSC when he's capable of pulling his weight? It will be far better for your DC to grow up in an environment where being part of a family means everyone helping each other.

Fine, perhaps I am absolutely ignorant and well willing to own up to that.

I'm glad!

I just find it so sad in families where biological and step kids are treated differently within the same home, and where the kids are going to grow up with all sorts of resentments and issues as a result.

This is a common emotive argument. But really, how are you imaging they will be treated differently to the other children in the household? They will grow up knowing they are as loved by their own two parents as all other children. They might not be quite as precious to their step parents but there's no real need for them to expect this, or indeed for it to be explicitly said. They can have a nice relationship with them without them not becoming a third doting parent other children don't have causing them "issues".

There should be no moment where the SC is watching the SP refuse to do things for them, as it should already be done by their parent. Why would they question why their parent was the one to take them to school, or do their washing? They WILL question it if their parent is forever trying to pass the responsibility onto the step parent and meeting resistance. If they want to, it's perfectly possible for a parent to shield their child from their partner not being willing to be left doing everything for them, by just doing it themselves as they should be anyway.

Totally agree with the responsibilities but no rights sentiment. Far too many stepparents are expected to step up when required then butt out when they want any input.

I'm not a stepparent but my dh is to my ds. Ds dad also has a wife. While I am grateful to both of my sons stepparents for their love and input to ds life, his dad and I are responsible for sorting his care. That's not to say I don't ask dh to babysit or do the school run now and again but I certainly don't expect him to do more than I do. It doesn't mean we're not a family.

Yanbu to feel put out op and those suggesting you are horrible are utter fools.

What this and other posts seem to be ignoring is that OP already does more than her fair share of the childcare 50% of the time. Her issue is increasing that to 100%. She's not saying the DSS should never darken their doors again.

Very simplistic. Because she might not want to and because she might not have the same earning potential as her DP.

I have no idea, I'm not an expert on child support? Not sure why you're asking me!

She said in her OP that the 12yo has to share a room at his mum's. He obvs shares with a sibling.

The op works 4 days, does everything for her dc and most of the work for her sdc…. There is no way I would be ok with that as it is much less adding more. Your dh could easily do an evening load of washing, prep the slow cooker in the evening. My Dh does as do I since we both work and we have dc. I hope this cheeky fuckery he is pulling kicks you into gear to balance the relationship a bit more. Sunday roast daddy cooking here you come.

I think the 'best' thing to do would be to sit DH (and possibly exW) down and TELL them what you will and will not do and what you expect from them and DSC if DSC moves in. I'd stress that your expectations regarding DSC are non-negotiable and what you would expect from your own children when they are older. Then, before they could start in on me, I'd leave them to figure out how THEY are going to make this 'work'. And before he/she moves in DSC needs to be informed of what will be expected on them. For me I think it would be:

DSC will be walking to and from school
DSC will be keeping his own room clean, including bedding changes
DSC will have rules regarding bedtimes, gaming, etc
DSC will have chores appropriate to their age

I will not be ferrying DSC to activities/friends, he will walk or use public transport
I will not be taking time off work to provide childcare, his parents will need to arrange childcare or take time off between them.

Since DSC will be with 'us' more than 50% of the time, child maintenance will need to be calculated and paid by Mum.

I've said it time and again, this sort of thing is why I never got involved with a man who had children. Some women don't mind being 'SuperStepmum', but that doesn't mean everyone has to feel the same way.

YBBU. Personally I would sit both the DSC and his dad down and tell them how it's going to be given that you are going to become the primary carer as both parents don't seem to be able or willing to parent him. I would lay down some firm rules

1 DSC either walks to school or his dad takes him. The ONLT exceptions being if it's lashing down with rain or dad loses a limb.

2 The t.v in his room goes off at x o'clock if not then it is removed from the room, until such time as you decide he can have it back

3 DSC does his share of chores, 1 of which will be laundry

4 Homework is done before he puts his t.v on if not...see rule 2.

5 Tell the parents that if they want you to take on the role as a parent to THEIR child then they have to accept that you will discipline him and neither of them are to undermine you regarding any rules you set out.