To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

*Or he could just stay living part time with his mother like many kids have to do even if he isn't 100% happy with the set up there. Just like he'd have to if I weren't around!

He's not in a dire or dangerous situation. All this talk of everyone working more or less or reducing hours or getting second jobs seems insane to me just because he doesn't like the set up of his bedroom at his mums. Utter madness.*

I totally agree with you here OP - it's totally fine and normal for parents to tell their kids that something can't be facilitated because it doesn't work with their work. It's being treated as a given here that the answer must be yes no matter what the parents have to change to facilitate that.

See? This makes me feel so sad for the children, you should never have got involved with a dad if you couldn't encompass his children in the scope of your relationship. What did you think would happen when you had your 'own' kids, the previous ones would just disappear? I find your attitude (not just you, there are loads of threads on here like this) quite heartless.

I think your DSS should have the same benefits and rules as your DC. If they have rules regarding how many hours they can watch TV those rules should be extended to your DSS too. If they will be expected to walk themselves to school at 12, the same for your DSS. That’s what I would do. Anything else is unfair in my opinion and it would make your DSS feel he’s treated differently.

You work 4 days a week and earn nearly the same amount as your DH. He can't argue that because you get one extra day a week at home to look after your own two children (and do all the bloody housework) that you now have to take on full responsibility for his son. You're already doing more than enough. Stand your ground.

Who would seriously agree to this in OP's shoes? It's insane. There are a lot of martyrs out there...

I would stop changing DSC's sheets and giving him lifts now OP. It's time for him to get a reality check before he thinks he's moving in full-time into a hotel. As if a 12 year old can't walk for 20 minutes to school. Bonkers. All of it.

Jesus whats the matter with kids today When i was 12 i was walking myself half an hour to school and taking my then ten year old DB as well.
My parents had to work If my DM had taken me to school at this age it would have been humiliating and the other kids would have taken the piss.

And yes we have yet another man here who thinks he shouldnt have to parent because he has a penis

Then maybe you should have thought about that before you started a relationship with his dad, the poor kid!

I don't think it's a given (or it shouldn't be) that just because you meet and marry a parent you'll be expected to take on everything to do with caring for their kids is it?

I'm not a step parent, but these kinds of threads really trouble me. I thought when you started a blended family (ie where one or both of you already has kids from a previous relationship) that you should treat them like your own kids, full stop.

Well, you're wrong. There are many different types of blended families and very varied levels of involvement from step parents. There is no one size fits all. Maybe just accept when your inexperience is leading to ignorance.

THIS! ⬆ ALL of this!

It would be for me, yes. Obviously not for you.

Erm no? I'm not expecting anyone to disappear. That's a bit dramatic. You can't force yourself to love someone, certainly not as much as your own children. I think that's a wholly unreasonable expectation to place on someone.

Bullshit! There is no reason on God's green earth as to why he can't take himself to school, and at that age, he should be more than capable of doing his own laundry and tidying up after himself, and if he can't, his dad can do that at the weekends and in the evenings, like other responsible parents.

Ask your lazy husband to explain why dss should live at your house full time if he, the father isn't there to spend time with his son and parent him?

I'd be saying a hard NO

Why doesnt he get himself to school? I'd be relieving myself of that job immediately.

Your dh can't have it both ways. If he wants you to take a significant role in caring for dss... Then you should also have a significant role in decisions about discipline. For eg should a 12 year old be allowed a TV in their room? What chores are they responsible for?

From the sound of it, at 12 OP would expect her own kids to walk to school and not have unlimited TV time. So she would like to treat SC as her own, but isn’t allowed to. Why should she treat her SC with more allowances and babying than she would her own children?

You think if you marry a parent you should expect to be left doing everything for that child? Okay...

At 12, children are expected to get to school by themselves unless there are no public transport or walking options. Bear in mind your own children will expect you to do their school run at that age, if you do it for him.

Let him move in, after all his dad is his parent too (as well as mum), however, I'd make it very clear that you won't be doing everything for him. And that DH (as his dad) is going to have to take some action and step up to parent.

Just don't do all his washing and ironing etc.

See? This makes me feel so sad for the children, you should never have got involved with a dad if you couldn't encompass his children in the scope of your relationship. What did you think would happen when you had your 'own' kids, the previous ones would just disappear? I find your attitude (not just you, there are loads of threads on here like this) quite heartless.

Yes, because not loving someone as much as your own child is obviously identical to hoping they would disappear. I naturally hope everyone in the world besides my DC (since I love them the most) will disappear.

Fine, perhaps I am absolutely ignorant and well willing to own up to that. I just find it so sad in families where biological and step kids are treated differently within the same home, and where the kids are going to grow up with all sorts of resentments and issues as a result.

Has anyone even discussed this with the child's Mum? DH wants to move his child away from its mother because she can't afford to provide the same lifestyle that he can?
OP your own objections are reason enough not to go with this move, but I find it quite chilling that DH is willing to change the arrangements because of the [perfectly acceptable] living conditions with the Mum.
Is that how he will treat you if you split up, buying your children's affections to take them away from you? It's not doing the children any favours, is it?

@ItsCalledAConversation what...............even over the kids OWN FATHER oh wait i forgot that testosterone can explode when given more parental responsibiity FFS

Those commenting poor kid, he's not welcome, might want to consider that his own mum doesn't seem to care much about where he lives...

Why can’t he get himself to school?

I think what the PP is driving at is that you already shoulder too much of the domestic work.

Another PP mentioned you work 4 days to your H's 5. Is that right? If so, why isn't DH doing about 40% of the childcare & housework already?

You are, imho, choosing the wrong hill to die on.
This isn't really about DSC, but this moving-in issue has just highlighted what you are already rightly fed up about. That your H takes you for granted, thinks domestic labour is beneath him, & has pimped you out to his wife (& she vice-versa) without consulting you.

@JenniferBooth of course his dad should be doing the lion's share of the work FFS, it's his child. But the stepmom shouldn't be washing her hands of him either, if he is to live in their home. That's my point.