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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2023 14:34

DisquietintheRanks · 02/05/2023 14:31

Well the easiest thing to do OP would be for you to become the main wage earner and for your dh to go part time and take over the childcare/home making. So why not try that?

It would be even easier to just stop doing the jobs that your dh and his ex aren't doing!

mushroom3 · 02/05/2023 14:34

He is 12, he should be making his own way to school

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 14:36

*But singling him out DOES tale away from the argument that OP is already solely responsible for far too much of the childcare & house stuff.

If she focuses on DSC in any pushback argument with DH, he will just guilt trip her about it. (Standard bio dad Script to wife 2, innit).
If she focuses on the full picture, & how skewed it is in his favour because he leaves all the drudgery to her already, she has a better chance of standing her ground.*

Yes that probably is how it would go, but it doesn't make it morally right.

He wouldn't have a leg to stand on with his guilt trips. It IS different leaving her to care for DSS vs her own DC. The latter is leaving her with too much of their shared responsibilities, the former is pushing his sole responsibilities onto her.

Original poster
Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 14:37

DisquietintheRanks · 02/05/2023 14:31

Well the easiest thing to do OP would be for you to become the main wage earner and for your dh to go part time and take over the childcare/home making. So why not try that?

Because DH would never reduce his hours anyway and because it benefits our children me being home more with them.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 14:38

PorthosWing · 02/05/2023 14:12

You shouldn’t have married your DH if you weren’t prepared to love his children as your own. I think you sound horrible.

@PorthosWing

hahahaha you’re funny !

pinkyredrose · 02/05/2023 14:38

PinkyU · 02/05/2023 12:39

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

You’re being petty and putting up barriers to a child having a closer relationship to his father, siblings and you.

Show quote history

She's not his parent.

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 14:39

anniegun · 02/05/2023 13:10

Another step mum resenting her OH's child

Another step-mom being expected to take on all the responsibilities while not having any of the parental authority or rights.

Changes17 · 02/05/2023 14:39

It's a 20 minute walk, so they definitely need to walk to school. My 12yo walks 30 minutes each way, with friends. It's good for them and makes them a lot more independent.

UWhatNow · 02/05/2023 14:40

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 14:05

It's not his fault no but it doesn't mean I just need to continue to do it for even more time surely?

Show quote history

The domestic work for the house and children (including your DSS) should be a joint responsibility.

I get that you work part time but that isn’t a get out of jail free card for men and husbands who work full time. Household work and life admin on top of p/t working is exhausting. Sometimes more so than working f/t. So he should be stepping up - especially if another child in the mix is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

This is a negotiation about division of labour with your husband. Nothing more. But currently you are landing all your frustration on the shoulders of a 12 year old lad. That’s not fair or right.

DisquietintheRanks · 02/05/2023 14:40

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 14:33

Very simplistic. Because she might not want to and because she might not have the same earning potential as her DP.

Show quote history

And so? There are 4 children in this family to be considered. All need care, not just the favourites.

Gymnopedie · 02/05/2023 14:41

And so? There are 4 children in this family to be considered. All need care, not just the favourites.

And all of them have two parents to provide it.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 14:42

Basically just continue to do everything for everyone OP, and put your own wants and needs on the back burner! You’re only a woman after all. Seems to be the message from lots of posters on here.

YANBU OP

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/05/2023 14:42

DisquietintheRanks · 02/05/2023 14:31

Well the easiest thing to do OP would be for you to become the main wage earner and for your dh to go part time and take over the childcare/home making. So why not try that?

Do you genuinely think for a second the Op’s DH would actually step up and do that?

Its trotted out so often on threads like this.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 14:43

And so? There are 4 children in this family to be considered. All need care, not just the favourites.

Yes, and she can decide that ALL of them need to house to be paid for, and her DC need their mum as their primary caregiver, more than DSC needs to move in with them full time. Job done, everyone considered!

I mean frankly the money thing is surely the bottom line. You can't seriously think they should just accept it if they can no longer earn enough money to get by.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/05/2023 14:45

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

You can’t have that as a one way statement.

If the child has 3 parents then the Op should get a say on the rules of TVs in bedrooms…

Her DH doesn’t give her that say so he doesn’t class her as a the third parent therefore he can’t then just assume she’ll become defacto parent when he makes a decision about his child moving home.

Robinni · 02/05/2023 14:45

Will read full thread later.

But wanted to say - he is not your child so he is not your responsibility.

You married with the expectation that the custody was shared. And you would only have to have the boy in your house 50% of the time.

Now he has decided he wants to move to Dads for the perks and no one has considered how this impacts you - as the main person available to care for him with Dad working. Nor has anyone considered the impact on two preschoolers with a teenager moving in full time.

It’s ridiculous. You are working part time to facilitate the care of YOUR children whom you want to spend time with. This scenario is going to take you away from them and they are going to have to put up with all the nonsense that a teen brings with, friends loitering in and out, up late, bad moods, household drama….

You just don’t need any of it. He has two parents, they really ought to be parenting themselves with you alongside.

You are not the household help, you are the wife!! And it’s about time you were treated with respect.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/05/2023 14:46

I’d love to hear the Mum’s take on it all.

I’d bet good money she’s more of a similar mindset to the OP than her ex.

pinkyredrose · 02/05/2023 14:46

anniegun · 02/05/2023 13:10

Another step mum resenting her OH's child

Another poster lacking comprehension skills.

Spiderboy · 02/05/2023 14:50

It’s his son. If he said “fine, you go back to work and I’ll sort the kids then” you’d be good with that? Or if he took a pay cut to do school runs? Look at the bigger picture here.

hobbies and mates etc of course he should do the majority of running around but at the end of the day, you made a choice to become 1 family

TenThousandSpoons · 02/05/2023 14:50

Surely the mum would be upset if one DS went to live with you full time, over the TV in bedroom situation? I’d say he’s not allowed because it’s very unfair on his mum who would miss him.

JenniferBooth · 02/05/2023 14:50

@ItsCalledAConversation I asked whether YOU THOUGHT Child Support should be reduced. You dont have to be an expert to have an opinion
However I already have my answer. Your obfuscation made it clear!

LatteLady · 02/05/2023 14:52

I have rtft and notice that the views of his bio mum do not appear to have been considered in this. Frankly, I would be calling her and letting her know what the "boys" are cooking up and then stand well back. If I were her, I would not be happy and would be explaining to my son that you don't always get what you want for a number of reasons.

Beautiful3 · 02/05/2023 14:52

Why should you single parent an extra child, when he already has parents? I would not be taking on the extra responsibility, with school runs and waiting on him. The father or mother, does the school run.

sandyhappypeople · 02/05/2023 14:52

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 02/05/2023 14:45

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

You can’t have that as a one way statement.

If the child has 3 parents then the Op should get a say on the rules of TVs in bedrooms…

Her DH doesn’t give her that say so he doesn’t class her as a the third parent therefore he can’t then just assume she’ll become defacto parent when he makes a decision about his child moving home.

In fairness, I don't think it says the DH won't give her that, it could be true, but she says herself it's not her place, which is the everyday struggle for a lot of SP, but I personally think if you are 'parenting' a child (step-parent or not) then you should have all the 'rights' afforded to parents when it comes to household rules, and if you aren't then it's a surefire way to build resentment towards the DSC, through no fault of their own too!

autienotnaughtym · 02/05/2023 14:52

The issue is they want all the benefits of a third parent but not for you to have any say in how dc is parented. You need to sit down with your dh and say it's unreasonable for him to expect you to take on all the extra work. Look for a compromise say ds gets public transport and dh pays for a cleaner 2 hours a week.