To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

It's not his fault no but it doesn't mean I just need to continue to do it for even more time surely?

The wicked step-mother brigade seem to be out in force today

Indeed. I am always up for a good wicked step-mother bashing, but the OP is not that. I don't know how people cope with having all that responsability and zero inclusion in the decision-making.

I mean as a parent you teach your children to do their share of the housework and look after themselves or if you don't, you deal with the extra work that entails. But here we have two parents refusing to teach their child the necessary because they assume the OP will pick up the slack. She's not a bloody slave or an inferior second wife.

You know this a young human we're talking about, not an unwanted pet, right?

Yes. That takes nothing away from who is responsible for them.

And yet because I do everything for our joint DC, I should be happy to do the same for DSC..

All of this.

& if it were happening to me, I'd see the resource or servant writing on the wall & start protecting myself (& the future wellbeing of my DC should we split) by working full-time.

I don’t imagine it’s about the TV at all. Sharing a room is a big issue for kids as they approach puberty.

He’s plenty old enough to walk to school, particularly if his friends do. If his parents disagree, they need to facilitate getting him there and back. Equally if his presence is making extra work, then his dad needs to organise and pay for a cleaner to cover that.

Or DH can work more hours/take on a second job and pay for an Uber to tote his kid around and a maid to clean up after him/do his laundry/cater to him.

Because OP you have still not mentioned the age of the other DSC that lives with you 50/50 - do they go to the same school as the 12 year old? Can they walk together? Or is this other DCS younger...and too young to be walking 20mins to school which is why their dad wants them to be driven to school? So they are just being taken together rather than a special trip for the 12 year old. It sounds from your posts that these DCS both have their own rooms at your house so I am guessing there is a big age gap and/or difference in sexes which might be why your DSS wants his own room.

And yet because I do everything for our joint DC, I should be happy to do the same for DSC

Yes well I imagine you have enough sense to teach your children to look after themselves in an age appropriate way as they get older.

Or the child’s mum’s CMS payments can pay for that

So he’s more than welcome to stay with you, but his dad needs to pick up the additional responsibilities that that entails? Seems more than reasonable to me. I don’t know why some of these posters seem so keen on enabling shirking fathers

OP I wish you could have typed this post in bold and 20point font. It's clear that the issue of DSC being full time at yours is not the only way you're seen as a resource and a servant.

Or he could just stay living part time with his mother like many kids have to do even if he isn't 100% happy with the set up there. Just like he'd have to if I weren't around!

He's not in a dire or dangerous situation. All this talk of everyone working more or less or reducing hours or getting second jobs seems insane to me just because he doesn't like the set up of his bedroom at his mums. Utter madness.

If he’s moving in, rather than being a part-time visitor can that come with some rules and responsibilities for him so you are not waiting on him hand and foot and takes the pressure off you a little

Thank you for taking the time to respond & clarify so politely OP.

PLEASE stop "accepting" this about ANY of the DC.
Your H is worryingly high-handed in his approach to your free labour. He even conspires with his ex behind your back to loan your services out like you are Vassal to his Squire.

Tell him he can fuck off with his expectations that you are his slave labour - for ANYTHING in the domestic sphere, that you are going full time, & that he can then buckle down & accept a fair split of the house/kid/grunt work, or find himself a new servant. One who he will have to pay, because you'll no longer be around to suck up his entitled nonsense.

You shouldn’t have married your DH if you weren’t prepared to love his children as your own. I think you sound horrible.

I don't really see what my other DSC has to do with it but they are a year older and the same sex. There are no perilous obstacles on the way to school, a couple of roads to cross, no one is having to run across a busy motorway or anything. They both get dropped off at the same school.

Don't be there then. Get your career restarted. Meet H on neutral working-hours ground & renegotiate.

BINGO!!!!

So, would the person "living with your child" have parental authority with your child? Discipline, chores, etc. could be enforced by the person "living with your child"?

Or would you be like SO many parents who want the step-parent to do everything for your child, pay for things for your child and cater to your child but never, ever, be able to ground, punish, take away privileges from your child because it's not THEIR child?

Well no I absolutely don't love DSC like I do my own children. It's not even remotely close, my love for my children is something very unique and deep, unfortunately no I don't feel that for DSC. I don't think that's abnormal for a step parent.

I agree with you because all the parenting will fall on you. You will end up resentful. There are also plenty of mothers like his who would love someone to do everything for them. Why should you? In fact it sounds like you already do too much and I would have to have a bloody amazing husband to put up with this.

I have a career already.

I'm not a step parent, but these kinds of threads really trouble me. I thought when you started a blended family (ie where one or both of you already has kids from a previous relationship) that you should treat them like your own kids, full stop. For the children's own good (DSC and your biological children) there should be no inequalities between them at all. Otherwise you're just setting them up for a lifetime of mental health shite.
Basically you're saying in your post that looking after DSC is inconvenient too much hassle for you. Then maybe you should have thought about that before you started a relationship with his dad, the poor kid!

I'm on the fence tbh, if your dh had his son 100% of the time when you first met then you'd have accepted this (or not), but this is a change to the normal routine. Your dh can't expect you to completely change your and your dc routines, there have to be compromises and changes on both sides, inc your dh

I do think you're right that a teen can walk 20 mins to school, so there's no way I'd be doing the school run for him, son or step son. But things like cooking and him living in a clean house is a given. I'd also be making him change his own bed and tidy his room every week (my 15yr old does this) Either that or your dh does it, their discussion to have. Washing clothes, you could put them in with your stuff but he puts them away and irons them himself, if he doesn't want to then your dh can do this. I have an agreement with my teen that she does her own ironing, if she chooses not to the fine, if she gets a detention for wearing creased clothes then she loses a privilege for a day or two.