To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

Yep , appreciate that, but I suspect that the mum has a lower income than the dad, given comparative house sizes.

it’s only a fate worse than death if he was generous enough to provide you with a stepchild to act as unpaid nanny to. If he didn’t then you need to LTB for having the audacity to breathe.

I earned twice as much as my ex. He lived in a three bed detached, I lived in a two bed terrace. 🤷‍♀️

BRAVO!! It sounds like your backbone is getting stronger.

Write up what your rules will be if DS does move in. If DH doesn't agree or want to compromise, then you have every right to tell your NSDH that you are stepping back and letting him and his ex figure out the transportation issues and rides to hobbies, friends etc. and letting your NSDH figure out how he is going to be responsible for taking care of SS after work with cleaning up, laundry etc. or he can hire someone to come and do those things. Does he pay ex child support? If so, does the ex realize she'll be entitled to less without both of her sons in the house?
Cook what you would be cooking any day (with more to accommodate ss) but don't cook separate meals because SS might not like something or demand special tx.

You still have not answered the question; Do your young DC each have their own room? Does other SS that isn't moving in also have his own room? Do the young DC have TVs in their rooms?

Why are you blaming her for his decision to have his dc more? How much child maintenance did they save? I doubt it was worth it for all the extra work your teens brought.

If you were such a good mum why did your teens choose to live with their dad?

Set boundaries sure but I’m really sorry to say it sounds like a typical, step parent who would rather keep the partners children from their other relationship out the way. It’s typical. It’s the same old story. If it was your child I’m sure you wouldn’t be putting this on mumsnet. I really don’t understand what people expect when they go out with someone with children. Set boundaries but just accept he has another child and the child should be treated the same as your children with their father. It’s not fair otherwise. I know your going to say it’s due to extra housework etc but I personally see this so often with step parents coming up with excuses to keep the step child at distance. Not fair.

Oh, jeez. The current set up is 50:50 - hardly keeping them out of the way!!

I really feel for you, what a horrible situation! It sounds as if the TV and the school runs are the main items of contention, so could you not just remove the TV from his room and insist that your DSC uses public transport to and from school? If you make those set-in-stone conditions, your DH might be more accepting of your stance. Once DSC has moved in, it would be up to you to make sure that he pulls his weight around the house. If he doesn't, then, consequences!! Might be a bit unpleasant to start with, but once he knows you aren't going to be a pushover, he'll soon toe the line. Or move back to his DM's. I hope everything works out well for you all x

Quite clearly as usual people seem to think that a step mum should love their step kids at least equally to their own kids and take over all the day to day management, childcare , laundry and feeding of said child in addition to any other aspect in their own lives such as a job, their own children, care of elderly parents etc because the step mum is there to make the mans life easier . She must do what is ordered, discussed or expected by the step childs parents without expressing her thoughts or raising any objections. She must unquestioningly suck it all up and be the main caring parent but have no say or be shown or expect any consideration or gratitude. The overall overwhelming message is that as a step mum you count for nothing but must be the family Nanny.

Sorry to say it sounds like a typical poster that doesn't get that obviously someone wouldn't post this about their own child because it being your partner's child inevitably adds unique complications because it is a different situation and a different relationship to the child. They state this blatantly obvious fact as though it's supposed to be controversial. Same old story!

Exactly! You’ll be taking your small children to school because they can’t get themselves there on their own. And you as a responsible parent need to get them there safely.

If you were going off to work or shopping or to the gym or something, nobody would bat an eyelid at you going about your day while DSS makes his own way to school. But because it involves getting your totally dependent small child to school, DSS suddenly needs a lift or it’s unfair.

Maybe learn to read a reply properly 😂I’ve said have boundaries BUT a step child is allowed to be with their dad when they want… omg shock horror I can’t believe I’ve said that.. of to the naughty step I go 😂

It’s amusing you think you’re unique…

Not even the OP has said that he isn’t or shouldn’t be allowed to be with his dad so perhaps you should take your own reading advice.

It's currently a 50-50 split so older DC is hardly being ignored or neglected. Of course, it's fine for the older DC to want to be at his dad's more, what isn't fine is for the burden of that increased presence to fall on @Fizzy196. Why should she have to do a school run for an unrelated child when neither of that child's actual parents are willing to do it?

No not really, there are carbon copies of your comment so often on MN they really just make me roll my eyes if anything. But I do find it ironic commenting on others always being the same given quite how basic your comment was for an I'll informed bystander.

Welcome to mumsnet the place your supposed to have an opinion 🙄

OP: what's a better car, vauxhall or ford?

Posters like you: You shouldn't travel by plane, it's bad for the environment, get a rowing boat instead.

See what I'm saying? It's not what is being discussed so your opinion is just a meaningless comment that gets trotted out again and again.

Welcome to mumsnet the place your supposed to have an opinion 🙄

Yes? You having an opinion does not mean nobody will comment on it.

I’m surprised how out of step I seem to be. When my wife and I got married, she had 3 children from her first marriage and I had one adult child from my first marriage. My daughter was self sufficient and lived away from home, however my wife’s children lived at home spending some time with their father. As far as I was concerned, we shared child care responsibilities, whoever was available picked them up from school, we didn’t have childish squabbles as seem to be common amongst most of you. I never had parental responsibility, but I did have parental duties and I gladly accepted those when I married my wife. She came part and parcel with the kids. Comments about the patriarchy seem to me to be unhelpful and from my experience at the school gate untrue

“whoever was available picked them up from school,”

the op has stated that she’s already doing 90% of the school runs - so “whoever was available” seems to be “oh OP can do it”-and this situation is now getting worse. Especially as she’s also expected to be the available one in school holidays

I don't think it's right at all that you are doing the bulk of the parenting, but have been informed of DH and his ex's decision about DSS rather than involved in it. It also sounds like you are going to be expected to parent him the way they decide, rather than getting a say in that!

I think you should tell them both "as I'll be doing most of the parenting/housework, I will be doing it the way I see fit. DSS will be walking himself to and from school, and responsible for making sure all his clothes get put in the wash and cleaning his room each week".

And there wouldn’t be any tvs in childrens bedrooms!!

It’s meaningless to you genius as you do not share the same opinion… for the mumsnet mob, I’ve stated what I think and I’m sticking to it. Don’t like it? Tough cr@p I’m afraid, don’t be on something where people state opinions, otherwise it’s looks rather sad arguing. Free speech 🎤 anyone else want to take a bop? 😭😂😂😂😂