To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

That’s not how that works. Unless she birthed him or adopted him, he’s not her kid.

What also isn’t up for debate is who his father is, aka the one actually responsible for his care. If he wants his son there full time then he needs to sort it, not dump it on OP.

Yep, this times a million. Had all this and more.
If i had my time again I would never marry a man with children. I work term time and have done all the childcare, dealing with illness and tantrums, giving money after more money and I'm ignored, hated, told I have no say, told I'm not the mum etc.
A stepparent has no legal rights or duties, so put a boundary there and protect yourself from being dumped on.

Does his mum realise she will have to pay you child support if he moves in with you?

And lose child benefit and any other financial support...

I don’t think this is coming from the mum, TBH.

The child is not hers. We had to go to court for my SD as there were safeguarding issues at home. I wasn't allowed in the court room but I was doing the childcare and school runs.

The SS isn't the issue here. He wants to spend time with his dad. He obviously feels comfortable around you and you could develop a lovely relationship with him. The issue here is your husband. He needs to pull his weight and should be encouraging his son to do the same.

Think twice and think again before taking on a partner with children.

Is your stepson part of your family or not? You should just be including him as part of the family, it’s disgusting that you think it’s ok to say that I will take “our” kids to school but I’m not taking “your” son to school. I would suggest that you don’t have a hope in hell of making your blended family work unless you change your attitude

If OP’s kids were also 12 and 13, you might have a point. They are not, they are pre schoolers so of course will need taking to infant school for a number of years once the time comes.

Yet again, OPs husband will not work part time. Cancel the part time cheque.

“You are fine doing part-time work so that you can do household work for your own children “

OP is working 4 days a week and spending a day with her pre school children, saving a day of nursery fees. She’s not doing it for the joy of housework, though that seems to have been added on to her plate de facto.

My nephews are 'part of my family'. Does that mean I should do all the school runs and childcare? No, because they're not my kids! Just as dss is not the OP's child. Yes, he's part of her family but the level of responsibility she has for him shouldn't be greater than that of his parents.

And it's just rude for a husband to agree to something that he then wants his wife to do all the work for. It's massively taking her for granted and treating her like an employee rather than an equal partner in life.

I wonder if all those posters saying that marriage = becoming a parent to step children, feel the same way about their in laws as they do their own mum's and dads. Would you be happy if dh moved his mum into your house without any discussion and then said you'd be doing all the caring for them?

Yes, a child should feel at home both in his mum and dad's house, but the parents are divorced and that means they have to parent differently than if they were still married to each other. They have to take each other's fair access to the child into account, and the lives of their new spouses. Unilateral decisions can't be made because they impact on other people.

Remember that the OP hasn't said she's unwilling to to anything, only that she's unwilling to to everything.

@rowanoak

the child is not hers
she hasn’t adopted him
I think his mum might have something to say if op started claiming him as her own don’t you

Sooooooo obvious on here that so many people think a women’s place is to look after others at all times at the expense of their own wants and needs. Even 12 year old boys who already have two parents!

the patriarchy has really done a number on you all!

“Nanny” is a good comparison actually. None of the decision making, all of the work.

Nanny would get pay, respect and holidays.

My children don't go to school? Gosh at least read my posts first will you.

And obviously I will have to take them to school for a number of years when they do start because they will be too little to get themselves there. I won't be doing that at DSS's age. Plus they'd be going to different schools anyway so not a case of 'may as well drop DSS off as I'm taking DC anyway'. I'm not. It's a special trip I otherwise wouldn't need to make to drop a 12 year old at his school gate. It's ridiculous.

You say that as if OP is the one with most to lose if it all goes to shit - she isn't. Her workload and expenses will drop, she will have more free time. He will be in a terrible muddle. So I would politely suggest he is the one who should be examining his attitude.

Yes @Yousee,there's an attitude that women are supposed to be grateful that a man has deigned to marry them and are supposed to turn themselves inside out to make it work. There's no such expectation on men, even though iirc, research shows that married men are happier than married women.

Totally agree with you both. She’s not the one that needs to be scared this won’t work out.

A couple of posters have mentioned the mum paying child support - given that the mum lives in a smaller house (possibly a 2 bed, whilst the dad has a 4/5 bed) and it’s only one child and not even necessarily 100% of the time (DSS seems to want to come and go flexibly) - not sure the financial contribution would make up for the impact on op’s work.

I have seen the damage this (lack) of parenting does by the bio parents.
DSS was allowed to come and go as he pleased. His DDad enjoyed the extra time with him so imposed no rules. DSS never lifted a finger. His DD used to drive him all over the place at all hours, run up with a plate of food for him late at night when he TEXT to say he was hungry. Then he'd go in in the morning- after checking Instagram to see if he'd been on line so he didn't disturb him, to collect his pots and then ran him a bath and made his bed. DSS would then go back to his mums when she had something better to offer and we wouldn't see him for a while until he disagreed with something his mum had asked him to do and the cycle would start again. It causes resentment when your DC are being pulled up on the slightest things and expected to help out a lot whist DSC swan in and out.
Do your DC have to share so DSSs can have their own room?

Child support is based on income, not house size.