To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

You don't like your stepson much. It's actually sad to read this. He will pick up on this.

his own father who cant be bothered with him adores him though 🙄

If he can drop his hours then they can add him in but surely it makes sense if his mum has the time at present to just carry on or split it between the two of them

Right, because those same SC only spend 1/2 the week with OP and her NSDH before all of this came up.🙄

Why is it that MNers feel they can just make up bullcrap and put scenarios together that never happened/never said/never implied? What gives them the right to make assumptions that don't exist? Why are their reading comprehension skills so lacking that they say stuff like, "She’s got the option of going back to work full time and her husband going part-time probably. But I’m guessing she doesn’t want to do that either.", when that SAME scenario was answered BY the OP many, many pages ago? Are this many MNers really that lazy that they don't read the thread before they castigate, denigrate and pontificate? Must be because I keep reading it over and over.

I know this much, they make assumptions and it certainly makes an ass of someone and it's not the OP. 🙄

I think it's awful that you don't count your stepson as a member of your family and don't want him to live with you. When you married your husband, you accepted that he had a son, and you should accept that son as your own. Awful! That poor kid. I feel so bad for him. You are setting him up for a lifetime of trauma.

The child IS hers. It became hers when she married his father. You can't just marry the father of a child and not expect for his child to be fully part of your family. The child was there first! The child did not ask for his father to go marry another woman. The child deserves the full love and attention and support of his father. Anyone who marries his father and truly loves him would also love his son as her own. Also anyone who would marry a father and not count their son as her own is a horrible person. WTF?! What is wrong with you?

In most family law courts, a 12 year old gets a big say in choosing where he lives. He should have equal rights to live at his father's house if he wants. Who cares the reason??? You are being really selfish and if you didn't want to be bothered by having a 12 year old in your house then you never should have married his father.

I have never been divorced or married to a person with a child- no step children here but now that I have children they are my world and if I divorced their father and married another guy, then I would divorce my second husband too if he complained about my son moving in. A parent's job is to put their child first. Your husband is an awful father if he doesn't insist on letting his child live with him even if that means divorcing you.

I really hope he fights for his son or else you are both sending the son a message that he is not important to his father or to his step mother. Horrible!

@rowanoak well if thats the case then she gets to discipline the child too.

If OP is a full and equal parent, what can't she dictate that she would rather continue to share care of "her" son with his "other mother"?

Stay out of it! Your job is to support your husband in loving his son and putting his son first as all parents should do. Your job is not to say what your husband should be talking about or deciding with the mother of his child with whom he co-parents.

You are fine doing part-time work so that you can do household work for your own children and yet you raise a stink when it would be for your husband's child that you were supposed to accept as part of your family when you married him. That shows that you do not view this child as part of your family like you should.

Go get a full time job and let your husband work part time if this is bothering you that much. He can take care of all of your shared kids since you don't want to anymore if step son comes to live with you. And while you're at it, go to parenting classes on the weekends so that you can learn how the effects of having a step mother like you will stay with this boy as he grows into a man and try to change your view of him and how you treat him and talk about him. Or else I see divorce in your future if his dad is any kind of a good dad to him.

Or else I see divorce in your future if his dad is any kind of a good dad to him
If he divorces OP he will be left with alot more of the drudge work that he's is apparently too important to get involved in for all three of his children. He's not going to do that.

The Surrendered Wives club have arrived.

I'm hearing you and I agree with you. Do what's right for you. If you don't make a complete who ha about it, he will come..expect to be waited on hand and foot. Add to Ur workload.Cause stress in your marriage. And your husband wont even blink an eye. He won't appreciate it because he won't recognise the work involved. I'd be putting my foot down too.
If he comes be absent and let his dad carry the whole load. If he complains, tough. He can carry the can with this one.
He cud make ur whole life hellish.
This might be fine for lots of people but I totally get where u are coming from. Lay down tools and let dad doneverything. He will soon think twice when he has to carry the load.

I don't know WTF is wrong with posters here!!! WTAH should you have to pick up the slack from a useless father for a child who also has a mother?! It has nothing to do whatsoever with the OP's feelings towards her stepson. It's the being taken advantage of by her husband that is the clear issue here!

I agree totally OP.

For one the SS sounds like he has a perfectly good mother who he is choosing not to live with.
If it was a different situation id accept it, but the lad is calling the shots. Which child/teenager doesn't imagine the grass is greener elsewhere. So because he's being pandered to, this stepmum is being dumped with a HUGE amount of extra work unnecessarily. Who is standing up for her? Nobody. Just a nice cosy deal between the original parents and the son.

I cudnt cope with it. Husbands generally in my opinion are happy to let the wives do nearly everything and not even appreciate them for doing it. I'd be making myself scarce and let him do all the care and clean up allll the mess and do all the shopping cooking washing and running around....

You did the right thing. It’s not your responsibility to run yourself into the ground with additional house work. Maybe you could suggest the boy gets the bus to and from school, and organise his own lift to hobbies. It’s a full time job looking after kids if everything gets left to you. Working part time on top is a lot. Stay strong. Don’t give in.

IMO you've got bigger problems you need to solve. You wouldn't find yourself in this situation if you (both of you) hadn't let the inequality between you get so bad.

You've done everything while he does nothing at home and as a result he takes you for granted and you've become the family skivvy.

You wouldn't be asked to do everything for DSS if you weren't already doing everything for your own children, despite working almost as many hours as your H (and looking after your own young DC during the other "working" hours which isn't easy).

It's going to be very hard to fix but I think you need to try otherwise you'll always be the one picking up the pieces for ALL the DC.

What patronising, inaccurate bollocks.

If that was true, then the stepparent would also be given parental authority over the child, which is rarely the case. It's difficult to "love a step-child as your own" when they don't have to obey you and you have zero say in the rules of their behavior. Also, WAY too frequently, this BS is reinforced at their birth mom's home who tell their children that the stepparent has no say in their life, so you don't have to listen or follow their rules.

Anyone who doesn't think this is more the norm than not is woefully naive.

I'm surprised his DM is happy to see him go elsewhere at only 12.

Stay out of it!

Precisely what I want to do! Including staying out of taking on all the extra workload of him moving in.

Or do you mean stay out of the decisions, the discipline, setting the house rules and boundaries but still do everything for him like a good little nanny.

The arrangement is currently 50/50 and the OP does school runs and works 4 days a week.

Maybe she picks up the two dsc from school on Wednesday, takes and collects them Thursday around her work (also fitting in childcare pick up for her own DC) and does the same Friday, her day off, bringing her own DC with her on both runs.

monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning, say, she has an uninterrupted run at work as childcare hours are longer than school hours. It would definitely impact her work to add five more school runs - and her DH hasn’t bothered to ask her.

(I know this is speculative about the set up - but it’s not just a load of washing that is the issue!)

I have a nearly 13 year old. He has been getting the bus to school alone for nearly 2 school years now. It’s absolutely ridiculous they think a 12 year old can’t walk 20 mins to school. I would absolutely not take him and make it clear before he moves in! Can he walk with friends? Will he still be going to his Mums X days per week?

Most divorced men remarry fairly quickly for practical reasons: they want to fob off the grunt work of parenting to the new woman, while also getting their laundry, home admin, cleaning, cooking and sex needs also catered for by her.

Win win for him.

Op, I think your boundaries are fair. However, you are a step mum and life is never ever fair or just for stepmums.

All it's going to do is cause a wedge between you and your DH and cause resentment because your step son will see how differently you are treating him compared to your own DC.

Everyone will view you as the wicked witch of the west and don't be surprised if your DH starts looking around for your replacement of a woman who provides the full package uncomplainingly.

“your step son will see how differently you are treating him compared to your own DC.”

In what way? OP’s DC are pre schoolers, so it’s hard to really compare. Presumably she uses age appropriate discipline with them etc?