To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

How cheering that, despite your protestations, you actually do agree that parents should parent their own children.

“she quite clearly likes her little life doing four days a week. “

goodness, how spiteful.

Both DH and I worked 4 days a week for many years before both kids were in secondary. We have far from little lives.

Why shouldn't she set up her life how she wants it? It is hers after all. It's not for other people (even husbands) to give away her time, like she's his property!

Now now, no need to swear dear 🤣. Nasty twat 😂 coming from someone who just called someone a nasty twat? I think you need to grow up, you’re getting mad at a random on the net for having an opinion on a post where they asked for an opinion lol.

Haven't read the 600+ messages but in response to the original OP, I have 100% said the same thing OP. I have two preschool children and do the majority for DSC when they're here and would if one of them lived here more permanently. I've made my feelings clear to DH, it in no ways means I don't care for DSC, it means I don't want to take on more parenting for them than their actual parents. Two toddler DC and a 4 day a week job sounds quite enough for you, with DSC too. Well done for setting boundaries. I've decided if my DH doesn't respect them I would 100% move out at let him get on with it (haven't told him that but it's my decision made in my head as I wouldn't cope with the alternative!)

Of course you get to decide if the strain of a 12 year old on your family is too much if you still have under school aged kids at home. You don't have to let yourself be bulldozered/

OP has been quite clear that DH wouldn't go part time. RTFT.

I totally feel for you! Happened to me a few years ago and I didn’t set my boundaries strongly enough in the beginning and I tried to people please everyone but myself.
Thought of daughter, partner and everyone else whilst working 60/70 hours a week, whilst running myself ragged. I was not in a good place by the end.
Firstly you’re appeasing the dad before he commits to what he is going to do regularly.
Yourself and his dad need to agree the rules for him living with you.
The SS then needs rules set by his dad for the things he must do to be able to live there, and all children need to be treated equally.
Definitely his mother and father need to still take care of school runs, activities etc. You’re looking after him otherwise so don’t agree to make your life harder and do everything!
Yes we all know the possibility of this happening when we embark on these relationships but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself for extra child care. If you breakdown the family will all suffer.
Your husband is being selfish as he wants his son there (of course) but he’s just expecting you just to do more.
His mother can’t just drop all her responsibilities either. If you wanted another child you would have had one and wouldn’t do that without first discussing with your husband.
The son isn’t stupid either. He’s used to being spoilt by a dad that didn’t have him 100% of the time so sees this as an easier option. Trust me he just doesn’t want the rules in his mum’s house so wants an easier life.
Also, say to your husband you will have him but you want a cleaner ( he pays) and send the laundry out etc. For all the extra work you take on he has to balance out your workload.
If you don’t set all this up first your relationship will definitely suffer and you will be forever resentful.
Women are so poor at realising that they are so important too!
Good luck.
But trust me I’ve been there and it was tough.
Also, set discipline rules for the SS and agree with your husband.
These all need agreeing too before the boy arrives. Children do need discipline from time to time too and lines can be blurred with a stepchild.

I think you should absolutely stick to your guns OP because:

• You already have him 50% which is a good balance
• It doesn't seem fair that his mum gets to see him less just because he wants a TV
• You already know you'll end up doing everything and it will cause resentment
• You're right to worry about the school holidays. If DSS says "can you take me to Bob's house" you can't say no that's dad's job, because dad isn't there. And you'll have to drag two young kids out each time
• Ditto if you say "DSS please tidy your mess/get off the screen" etc and he won't, again there's no parent there to enforce it
• If it doesn't work out (as you suspect it won't) you'd feel awful having to tell DSS he can't come so much anymore
• What if your other DSS decides he wants to be 90% at yours too - you can't say yes to one and not the other
• What if you do it and the resentment leads to you and DH splitting up - that would be really sad for everyone involved

Can his mum not collect him in a morning for school so she still does the school run and you aren’t burdened with it seems a reasonable compromise

Ah there’s the solution.

Both the Mum and the step-Mum should compromise and work together, thus ensuring the Dad can still do the least of them all…

Not so dad doesn’t have to do anything through choice or lack of parenting, it says above he can’t do it due to work commitments, presumably mum can around her commitments so surely she would be the next choice, it’s unrealistic that if he can’t do it because of work he stops working when the other parent is already available 😆

Take the TV OUT of his room and make him do chores!

It also says who loves his job and wouldn't drop his hours anyway - wouldn’t and couldn’t are very different things.

If the DH wants to change the status quo so he can continue being the one with the relaxed rules then surely he should be the one making the efforts and changes to facilitate them?

It’s taking the piss to say to his mum “rather than back you over the tv thing he’s coming to live with me, but you have to come and collect him from school every morning/afternoon”

She’d be well within her rights to tell him where to go with that one.

“presumably mum can around her commitments”

When she starts from her own house with both kids. For half the time ie when they are with her.

I’m with you OP. I am a step parent too. I have a 12 year old DSS too. My DP wants him with us an extra night a week. And his younger sister. DSS here is also rather pampered! (Not by me!) He does manage to get himself to school however. But in the event he didn’t I would not be doing any school runs because I don’t agree that this is needed or a good use of time. Your time. It’s not OK for the parents of your DSS to decide how your time is spent. As for washing and cleaning, well that part is annoying. But if you do that for your own DC you can’t really protest about doing it for your DSS. The solution here is to get the DSC doing a bit more and also your DH to do a bit more. Working an additional day a week doesn’t absolve him of household chores! Essentially you need two conversations. One about this ridiculous rule that he can’t get himself to school (and his older brother too?!) and another one about people pulling their weight a bit. And I will never love my DSC the way I love my own DC nor do I think you should be chastised for feeling that way. I bet half the people criticising you aren’t even step parents!

I agree. It seems her NSDH has already made it pretty clear that she can be her SS's cook, chauffeur and chief bottle washer but has no say in anything relating to rules and behavioral expectations. How nice for her NSDH and SS!

I have to wonder where the other SS stays when he spends half the week with his DF and SM. Do her DC each have their own room?

I also disagree with the "you're already cooking, cleaning and washing so one more isn't that much more work". It is, by about 30%, or more since he also "needs" to be ferried about for school and his hobbies, according to his DF. I think even the simple cooking part changes when you go from cooking for 2 small children and 2 adults to adding a teen who may have a whole list of what they will and will not eat. If they aren't a picky eater, then just portions have to be adjusted but if he is a picky eater, or pickier than the ones already living there, then it's a major upheaval.

I truly believe that once SS moves in, the list of his "wants" and demands will grow since he knows Disney Dad will bend.

I wonder if ex knew she was going to lose 50% of the cash support that is paid to her for the children, would she still be so willing? Because it should be halved in this case.

Well, if the current arrangement is 50/50 the mother can't be getting much cash support if any from her ex.

I get so frustrated at the 100’s of similar posts on mumsnet in relation to step children.

Why get involved/marry someone with children from a previous relationship if you’re not going to treat them as your own! When your children do reach school age are you not going to take them to school because its too much for you??

I’d be gutted if my children were ever treated this way by a step parent.

Put ground rules in place if need be like he makes his own bed, helps with chores etc.

What would you do if the other parent died? You shouldn’t be in your marriage if you have that view. They are his kids and you don’t know what the future holds.

When your children do reach school age are you not going to take them to school because its too much for you??

When they reach secondary school age? Yeah, sure.

Well, she may have to so she can buy the uniforms needed for her roles. Chauffeur's uniform, maid outfit, chef's apron and a professionally made "Kick me" sign.

I really do wish OP would come back and answer such questions as the bedroom divisions, etc. Are her DC sharing a room so that the two SC each have their own? What will they do when DC want their own rooms if they are sharing now? Will they be getting TVs in their room(s) to keep things even? Will the support paid to the ex be reduced, if she gets any, since they are now supporting SS most of the time and has the ex thought about that? Costs will increase with SS living with them and the funds for it need to come from the support paid to the ex (if support is paid).

Lots of questions, few answers.

Treating a child as your own has to be welcomed and allowed by their actual parents.

OP’s DH will not allow her to set the same rules and routines with his child as she would do with her own.

If his parents want to baby him and drive him to the gate from now until college they can do so themselves.

Absolutely agree.