Page 24 | To not support stepchild moving in?

Fizzy196 · 2023-05-02T11:28:55+00:00

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases. The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business). Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week. I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant. I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc.. He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no. DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

Whattodoaboutpox · 03/05/2023 19:24

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 19:20

Well, thats not what your message said. It said 'I don't think it's a given (or it shouldn't be) that just because you meet and marry a parent you'll be expected to take on everything to do with caring for their kids is it?'

You've just repeated what you're claiming they didn't say. Take on everything to do with the kids.

Ok. I misunderstood. I thought 'take on everything' meant take on everything that you would do for your own children. Not that the other parent would so nothing, ever. So I thought of it as in 'doing everything I do for my own kids' not 'instead of dh'.

I misunderstood

Whattodoaboutpox · 03/05/2023 19:25

rangagirl · 03/05/2023 18:47

Does it EVER occur to these types of step parents the damage you’re doing to the child by being so unsupportive about them being with their PARENT?!

You married a man with children! You chose to do that, which means you should support the child being there as much as they want to be so they can see the parent!

Why do you all live in dreamland where you think you can just erase your spouse’s past? You really can’t, nor should you.

If you don’t want to take the kid to school, then don’t. But by using these excuses to resist the child being there and refusing to pitch in with the care (as the other adult who shares the home), you’re actually doing EXACTLY the same thing as you’re accusing him of doing: you think him wanting to move in with his father - which he has EVERY right to do - should not happen just because he doesn’t have a TV at mum’s house. But you think you should be able to prevent him from being with his dad for petty reasons?

So tell your husband that you want the kid to do things for himself if he lives there - make his bed and whatever else. It’s important for the kid of 12 to start to learn independence and life skills no matter where he lives. Come up with a plan TOGETHER about how to integrate him into the family.

But don’t just tell your husband his child can’t move in because you don’t want to accept that when you marry someone with children, they’re a package deal from the get go! Which includes the possibly of the kid coming to live with you. And you having the obligation to welcome them with open arms instead of trying to erase the fact that your husband had a family before you came along.

People who don’t want a step child should not marry a parent! Surely that’s an easier solution than spending your energy fighting to keep your partner all to yourself?! 🤦‍♀️

Yes. With bells on.

Whattodoaboutpox · 03/05/2023 19:30

Yousee · 03/05/2023 17:59

Hopefully you don't have children you are willing to offload entirely onto your next romantic partner. It sounds awful.

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No future romantic partner on the horizon and most certainly no offloading of my kids. That's for you lot.

Bacchus23 · 03/05/2023 19:31

YANBU it’s not on for them to decide this for you, having something like that basically put on you is inevitably going to cause resistance and resentment. It’s not fair on you or your DSS.
you’re doing the right thing by setting a boundary

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/05/2023 19:32

I couldn't ever love someone else's kids like my own either. And I don't think I could treat them the same over an extended period. This is why I wouldn't ever have married someone with kids. It is also why I wouldn't have remarried while dd was a child if DH and I had split up.

I believe that some step parents genuinely do love their stepchildren and treat them as their own. I have every respect for those people. I feel incredibly sorry for the stepchildren of people like the OP and others on this thread.

DuskHail · 03/05/2023 19:34

Daisymum18 · 03/05/2023 18:31

She's not resenting her step son she's saying if her husband his father shared 50% of household duties child rearing and chaffuering service shed happily oblige what pisses her off is dad is being fun dad never saying no while shes the lacky doing everything so to say she resents the lad is totally uncalled for she probably adores the kid but is under enough strain as it is hubby needs to step up and be united with his wife and share the load this isn't all on her for falling in love and starting a family with a man that has existing children why is it always down to the woman it's 2023 not 1968

She’s got the option of going back to work full time and her husband going part time probably. But I’m guessing she doesn’t want to do that either. It all boils down to the fact she doesn’t want his kid there it’s pretty obvious. Same as most step parents.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 19:38

DuskHail · 03/05/2023 19:34

She’s got the option of going back to work full time and her husband going part time probably. But I’m guessing she doesn’t want to do that either. It all boils down to the fact she doesn’t want his kid there it’s pretty obvious. Same as most step parents.

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@DuskHail

yeah cos OP’s husband is really gonna wanna do that isn’t he….

Daisymum18 · 03/05/2023 19:40

This post is pissing me off because so many are here accusing this woman of trying to shun the lad out and actually not reading what she is saying .... She needs reassurance from her husband that should his son live full-time with them that she isn't going to be left doing all the running about and picking up after him 100% of the time ... The lad is old enough to do a lot for himself ....so to the op my advice you say to hubby ok he can live here but the TV is coming out of his room and me doing what I already do is halved I'm not doing it day in day out he can walk to school and back daily he's old enough to be responsible for himself im assuming he has a mobile so he can keep in contact .... Your not expected to be a live in nanny to your partner's children I'm sure you being around to confide in and talk to is enough without being his personal butler is more than enough obviously be readily available for him to converse with and be welcoming etc wich I'm sure you are as he wouldn't want to live with you if he felt unwelcome or unwanted during the few days a week he is with you already .... Don't let anyone make you feel your in the wrong your telling your husband out right you can't do the level of what you do already full time that is all nothing wrong in that

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 19:41

She’s got the option of going back to work full time and her husband going part time probably. But I’m guessing she doesn’t want to do that either. It all boils down to the fact she doesn’t want his kid there it’s pretty obvious. Same as most step parents.

That's not a natural conclusion. The natural conclusion would be that she doesn't want DSS to live there enough to go back to work full time, not that she doesn't want to go back to work full time because she doesn't want him to move in. The reasons she might not want to go back to work full time will be about other things.

DuskHail · 03/05/2023 19:44

Why not?

BornBlonde · 03/05/2023 19:44

TheWayTheLightFalls · 02/05/2023 13:03

The wicked step-mother brigade seem to be out in force today.

You can reasonably state your boundaries.
Unless I have missed a post / there's additional info a 12 year old can get to school themselves.
Beds etc -DH can do if DSS can't or if DH wants to carry on facilitating the full Disneyland experience.

This

Daisymum18 · 03/05/2023 19:45

If you read what she put she already addressed that and said her husband loves his job and wouldnt go part time .... So because she doesn't want to do all the running about after her husband's son she doesn't want him as she stated the lad lives there a few days a week already and she does everything for the kid while dad just does the fun stuff not setting boundaries and putting her foreward for all the remedial tasks she isn't going to hold that position full-time day in day out she already said numerous times if her husband agreed to do 50%of what she already does then she wouldn't have any issue with his son moving in

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 19:46

rangagirl · 03/05/2023 18:47

Does it EVER occur to these types of step parents the damage you’re doing to the child by being so unsupportive about them being with their PARENT?!

You married a man with children! You chose to do that, which means you should support the child being there as much as they want to be so they can see the parent!

Why do you all live in dreamland where you think you can just erase your spouse’s past? You really can’t, nor should you.

If you don’t want to take the kid to school, then don’t. But by using these excuses to resist the child being there and refusing to pitch in with the care (as the other adult who shares the home), you’re actually doing EXACTLY the same thing as you’re accusing him of doing: you think him wanting to move in with his father - which he has EVERY right to do - should not happen just because he doesn’t have a TV at mum’s house. But you think you should be able to prevent him from being with his dad for petty reasons?

So tell your husband that you want the kid to do things for himself if he lives there - make his bed and whatever else. It’s important for the kid of 12 to start to learn independence and life skills no matter where he lives. Come up with a plan TOGETHER about how to integrate him into the family.

But don’t just tell your husband his child can’t move in because you don’t want to accept that when you marry someone with children, they’re a package deal from the get go! Which includes the possibly of the kid coming to live with you. And you having the obligation to welcome them with open arms instead of trying to erase the fact that your husband had a family before you came along.

People who don’t want a step child should not marry a parent! Surely that’s an easier solution than spending your energy fighting to keep your partner all to yourself?! 🤦‍♀️

I don’t know, does it ever occur to those ranting about stepparents that if it’s important for the actual parent to find a partner willing to take on their child/ren as their own, then it’s entirely their responsibility to do so?

Stepparents are not more responsible for the well-being of their stepchildren than their parent is. Marrying someone with a child doesn’t in fact oblige someone to take on a parental role, any more than it endows them with parental rights.
’She knew she was marrying a man with children’ - HE knew he was marrying someone that wasn’t the mother of his older children when he married OP.

She’s not trying to force the kid out, she’s simply unwilling to bear the childcare burden her husband assumes he can dump on her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 19:49

DuskHail · 03/05/2023 19:44

Why not?

@DuskHail

if you care to read OP’s posts, you will see that she has already said that he wouldn’t do that.

ImAvingOops · 03/05/2023 19:51

Some posters seem to have forgotten that the OP works 4 days, has her own dc on the fifth (savi g both her and dh nursery fees) and earns nearly the same as her dh. He's not done benevolent husband working himself into an early grave, while she eats chocolate eclairs on the sofa all day! She's an equal contributor. It's absolutely not her responsibility to work full time, miss out on time with her own dc, to meet costs of her dsc and free up her husband's time. Like lots of other parents, he needs to sort out childcare for his own son and not assume his wife will take on extra work so he can play the indulgent Disney dad!

ElaOfSalisbury · 03/05/2023 19:56

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:30

Basically AIBU to say I'm not facilitating DSS being here more often and if DH wants him to be then he needs to do these things himself.

YANBU if it is going to significantly add to your workload and impact your life. Tell ‘D’H that if he moves in, he’s doing the school runs, laundry, etc. And stick to it.
Too many of these Dads are quick to agree to things without thinking things through, they make themselves look like Superdad and then their other half is left to pick
up the slack. His kid, his responsibility.

Poppingmad123 · 03/05/2023 20:04

Has your husband mentioned what he will be doing to facilitate the move? So far, I’ve just heard your side.

You said he works full time, does that mean he cannot even do one school run a week?

Does he work Mon-Fri? Can he take on the weekend activities instead? Like running them to football or whatever clubs they may have, doing the shopping, cleaning, or take children out so you get some time back for yourself?

or would DSS go back to his mums on weekends? What would DSS’s mums role be?

I think you should treat your DSS like your own instead of letting him get away with things you wouldn’t like your own children doing, like watching excessive tv.

You and your husband need to work out and agree on rules and boundaries as it sounds like there’s one set of rules for your children and another set for your DSS.

SheilaFentiman · 03/05/2023 20:07

“Presumably you can afford to work part time because your husband is working full time. Which also mean he can’t do the school run. “

OP is working four days a week and looking after 2 pre schoolers on the fifth day, thereby saving nursery fees that day. She is doing the school runs that she already does because she works from home, not cos she’s swanning about. Jeez.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/05/2023 20:14

DuskHail · 03/05/2023 19:34

She’s got the option of going back to work full time and her husband going part time probably. But I’m guessing she doesn’t want to do that either. It all boils down to the fact she doesn’t want his kid there it’s pretty obvious. Same as most step parents.

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You have the option of reading all her posts where that is addressed - pretty obvious you haven’t bothered

HamBone · 03/05/2023 20:16

I don’t have the impression that the OP doesn’t want her DSS living with them, she’s just concerned that all childcare and chores will fall to her, because that seems to be what her DH is anticipating!

Her DSS has two functioning parents, they are quite capable of looking after him, the OP seems to be a convenient unpaid nanny.

DuskHail · 03/05/2023 20:22

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YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/05/2023 20:26

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Does being a nasty twat on the Internet make you feel better about yourself?

MrsMiddleMother · 03/05/2023 20:26

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 19:46

I don’t know, does it ever occur to those ranting about stepparents that if it’s important for the actual parent to find a partner willing to take on their child/ren as their own, then it’s entirely their responsibility to do so?

Stepparents are not more responsible for the well-being of their stepchildren than their parent is. Marrying someone with a child doesn’t in fact oblige someone to take on a parental role, any more than it endows them with parental rights.
’She knew she was marrying a man with children’ - HE knew he was marrying someone that wasn’t the mother of his older children when he married OP.

She’s not trying to force the kid out, she’s simply unwilling to bear the childcare burden her husband assumes he can dump on her.

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This exactly! Why are people on this thread refusing to read and understand?

A stepparent should not do more parenting of their stepchild than their own two parents. And if they are unwilling that doesn't mean they hate the child ffs, it means they're setting boundaries.

MrsMiddleMother · 03/05/2023 20:29

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Do you need help? Are you OK?

Why would the OP work an extra day when she doesn't want or need to and her husband wouldn't want to work part time?
Of course this is from OP perspective, she wrote it...

WhoBird · 03/05/2023 20:30

I’m always more likely to lean towards step parent pov as I am one and it’s been challenging. But if you are with someone who has children, you have to know they might move in with you, and have a conversation about what that looks like.