To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

You think it's a given that a step parent should have to do everything for their step child whilst their parents don't?? Gosh your bar seems to be set even lower than mine has been 😂

Remove the TV out of the bedroom he has at yours takes away the allure of the grass is greener on the other side tell him a TV in your room is privilege not a right

She's not resenting her step son she's saying if her husband his father shared 50% of household duties child rearing and chaffuering service shed happily oblige what pisses her off is dad is being fun dad never saying no while shes the lacky doing everything so to say she resents the lad is totally uncalled for she probably adores the kid but is under enough strain as it is hubby needs to step up and be united with his wife and share the load this isn't all on her for falling in love and starting a family with a man that has existing children why is it always down to the woman it's 2023 not 1968

People will be unkind to you cause they hate stepparents here! But I think you’re reasonable, not to block the move as he is part of your family, but to be clear that dad is responsible for the driving and laundry or any off mealtime meals.

Part time doesn’t mean you have to do everything, and letting him lead on his older child is a very fair division IMO.

I think YABU. This is your husband’s child. It isn’t necessary for him to be “waited on hand and foot”! Will you be doing that for your own children when they are that age? Based on your account here, I’d put money on it that you dislike your step-son and wish he didn’t exist, but he does. You and his dad need to tell the boy that he is welcome to move in (even though you’ll be lying), but that he will be expected to take responsibility for some basic chores around the house and, if it will be a reasonable journey for him, that he must get himself too and from school.

You got into a relationship with a man with a child, you can’t just brush him away!

Exactly this! Nightmare

Going back to full time work and heaving the father to sort out childcare for children from both women sounds like the way to go...... i went back full time when they were 2 weeks (not months) and it worked fine. you have many fewer chores and more equality if you do that.

Does it EVER occur to these types of step parents the damage you’re doing to the child by being so unsupportive about them being with their PARENT?!

You married a man with children! You chose to do that, which means you should support the child being there as much as they want to be so they can see the parent!

Why do you all live in dreamland where you think you can just erase your spouse’s past? You really can’t, nor should you.

If you don’t want to take the kid to school, then don’t. But by using these excuses to resist the child being there and refusing to pitch in with the care (as the other adult who shares the home), you’re actually doing EXACTLY the same thing as you’re accusing him of doing: you think him wanting to move in with his father - which he has EVERY right to do - should not happen just because he doesn’t have a TV at mum’s house. But you think you should be able to prevent him from being with his dad for petty reasons?

So tell your husband that you want the kid to do things for himself if he lives there - make his bed and whatever else. It’s important for the kid of 12 to start to learn independence and life skills no matter where he lives. Come up with a plan TOGETHER about how to integrate him into the family.

But don’t just tell your husband his child can’t move in because you don’t want to accept that when you marry someone with children, they’re a package deal from the get go! Which includes the possibly of the kid coming to live with you. And you having the obligation to welcome them with open arms instead of trying to erase the fact that your husband had a family before you came along.

People who don’t want a step child should not marry a parent! Surely that’s an easier solution than spending your energy fighting to keep your partner all to yourself?! 🤦‍♀️

OP probably wouldn’t play a part in her children’s stepmum getting to this point though.

I would have told my ex and my son a big no by now. And that would be said with the stepmum in mind as well as myself and my child.

Having been a stepmum myself, I know that the stepmum’s time, energy and money don’t always belong to the stepkids and would fully accept that reality if it was my children. Whereas some parents can’t get their heads around that one and interpret boundaries as the stepmum hating the stepkids.

@rangagirl she has not said the SS cant move in. So stop bloody gaslighting

Bloody hell you have used a whole paragrapgh to gaslight the OP

Actually I can understand a son wanting to be with his Dad. You just need to lay the groundrules for someone of his age and also do less generally! Your DH needs to realise that one day off a week does not make you a SAHM. Let your DH realise the obstacles for himself. There is no problem with your child walking 20-30 minutes to school each way. If it's an issue, he could cycle into school. This is perfectly normal for a Y8. Set bedtimes, limit viewing times, set chore lists appropriate to a Y8 etc. He's been treating you like the away break from home rather than home. You might find he loses interest living with Dad when he realises you have a strict household and don't live off takeout. And you won't be the bad person.

I wouldn't want my step son moving in. I married my husband because I love him, not because I love his children. Why do people think we should be parenting kids who are not ours. It's crazy.
I would make them feel welcome whilst in my house, but I wouldn't want them to live with us.
You are not being unreasonable OP.

Does it ever occur to you to actually read the OPs posts?

Why can’t you say that he can come and live with you more but actually, the TV in the ro
needs to go because you’ve been thinking about this and you’re not ok with any of your children having a TV in their room. He’s setting a precedent for his siblings. Your house, your rules. As for taking himself to school that is ridiculous if he can’t walk 20 minutes each way every day.

I’d remove the TV from the bedroom and start a chore chart for everyone in the household.

How do your kids get to school? If they walk then everyone walks - if they are too young to walk yet then establish the rule of how old they will be when they do start walking and make sure you stick to it so that it’s fair for everyone.

Maybe the two DSS could do their 50:50 stay separately of course that means you and their mother don’t get an ‘off’ week but means they will get their room to themselves when they are at Mums.

My son decided he wanted to live with me my partner and our children a year ago at that time he was 13 me and the partner discussed it and sat down all together and explained what it would mean as he was then living with grandmother 200miles away from me (I'm in Lancashire he was in Lincolnshire) as father wasn't meeting all his basic care needs anyway we discussed it now he lives here full-time and I do pretty much most of everything in regards to my 14 yo my partner supports and helps out with our two children IE school runs etc but In regards to my son I have not asked my partner to do anything for him other than build a bond of trust respect and love my lad loves my partner and vice versa but ultimately I'm his parent who has 100% of responsibility and wouldn't ask my partner to lacky around after my son and I have actually consulted my partner about this and he said he wouldn't expect to me to lacky around after his children from previous relationship if they ever wanted to live with us it's almost 50/50 in our house my son walks to and from school yes he Huff's and puffs some mornings but I put my foot down and make him go to school he will learn not to stay up past his set bedtime .... I don't think this is in anyway a woman that resents or doesnt like the child I just think she feels a little put upon and because she said hold on no I'm not the fall guy live here yeah but don't expect me to be at beckon call people have taken this out of context end of day we are humans not robots only so much one person can manage alone dad should be the one taking most of the responsibility in this situation but it's easier to just expect his partner to do it full-time as she's a woman and a mother

It was her husband who had children when they met, not OP. Getting married didn't bestow on her any legal obligation to take over his responsibility and do the majority of parenting for those kids on his behalf. Helping, yes, because that's a normal thing in a family but not becoming default cater!

It's like me saying my husband had a job and now I'm married I'm obliged to do it for him - you'd think I was crazy!

Things that are a person's responsibility pre marriage, remain do after!

Well, thats not what your message said. It said 'I don't think it's a given (or it shouldn't be) that just because you meet and marry a parent you'll be expected to take on everything to do with caring for their kids is it?'

So yes, if I married someone who was already a parent, I would absolutely take their children on and treat them as my own. To me that is a given.

But then, I didn't marry someone who already had a family.

Well, thats not what your message said. It said 'I don't think it's a given (or it shouldn't be) that just because you meet and marry a parent you'll be expected to take on everything to do with caring for their kids is it?'

You've just repeated what you're claiming they didn't say. Take on everything to do with the kids.

So you see it as your house and not their home? I'm gobsmacked. I hope I never divorce my husband so my children would have to feel this way.

Well done on telling your DH.

Hopefully DH will step up and parent his DC and contribute to the care of the home more than just the fun bits and expecting you to be his unpaid servant.

You can’t OP.

And it’s ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

We're not all like that I promise!

Completely agree! I’ve been that step child that’s not wanted and it’s such a horrible feeling for a child. and it really came between me and my dad. If you can’t accept your partners other child as your own, you shouldn’t get together with them in the first place.
Imagine if it was the other way around OP and imagine a new partner didn’t want one of your children living with him because he doesn’t want them to be there any more than 50% of the time. I’d break up with anyone that didn’t want my children around, no matter what the reason.
agreed though would have been nice for you to feel involved in the conversation perhaps. But ultimately it’s his son and he should be allowed to move him in if he wants to.