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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 03/05/2023 15:25

lap90 · 03/05/2023 14:59

I don’t think YABU in not wanting to do all the work regarding the children whether biologically yours or not. I don’t think the DSS is unreasonable in wanting to live with his Dad.
People really ought to think long and hard about getting into a relationship with someone with kids and the potential inconveniences to their life it may cause, which is why its a hard pass for many.

I wouldn't ever have been keen on entering a relationship with someone who already had children, but by the same token, I can't imagine anyone who actually does has any clear vision of the implications of it longer term....

@Fizzy196 my advice to you is to use this opportunity to redeal the cards in your life. If your DH does not step up now and do his fair share, with ALL his children, he never will. He will continue to take you for granted and leave you to pick up all the slack. You will become angry, frustrated and resentful. Your marriage might not survive that - and what happens - you go on to have more DC with someone else or your DH does! Such a myriad of complications that would be.

Even consider - what if your other DSC thinks his sibling is getting a better deal with you, and decides he'd like to move in as well?

Should you have to sit down and figure it out with a third party, do whatever it takes to get things realigned. This is nothing whatever to do with your feelings about your stepkids. It's about how your DH treats you.

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 15:27

So it is not about DSS. This is about her husband.

For the PP, the TV will be obsolete for a teen in as far as he will be on whatsaap and tiktok ipads and whatever. Any parent of teerns will agree.

Not watching TV.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:28

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 15:27

So it is not about DSS. This is about her husband.

For the PP, the TV will be obsolete for a teen in as far as he will be on whatsaap and tiktok ipads and whatever. Any parent of teerns will agree.

Not watching TV.

I find it a bit ridiculous when people say teens don't watch tv. Where do you think all the hugely popular teen film and tv franchises are coming from?

allmyliesaretrue · 03/05/2023 15:32

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:28

I find it a bit ridiculous when people say teens don't watch tv. Where do you think all the hugely popular teen film and tv franchises are coming from?

Show quote history

Of course it's ridiculous. Love Island... I'm a Celebrity...???

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/05/2023 15:38

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 15:27

So it is not about DSS. This is about her husband.

For the PP, the TV will be obsolete for a teen in as far as he will be on whatsaap and tiktok ipads and whatever. Any parent of teerns will agree.

Not watching TV.

I don’t agree. Mine watch Tv.

But it is absolutely about the DH.

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 15:51

My DD watches absolutely everything on her phone, as do her friends.

She watches Masterchef on the TV with me. That[s it. 😂

allmyliesaretrue · 03/05/2023 15:52

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 15:51

My DD watches absolutely everything on her phone, as do her friends.

She watches Masterchef on the TV with me. That[s it. 😂

Other people's kids don't???

WheelsUp · 03/05/2023 15:52

Mine uses a TV for gaming.

ImAvingOops · 03/05/2023 15:55

The tv is irrelevant - if it wasn't that, it would be something else creating a flashpoint because the husband allows things for his older children that aren't agreed with the OP, while expecting her to do 'parenting'.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/05/2023 15:57

MojoMoon · 02/05/2023 12:33

YANBU - this should be a discussion you and DH have to work out how you can best and fairly work together to facilitate this rather than it being presented to you as deal done by DH.

Your step son is also old enough to be required to take more responsibility on such as making his own bed, putting his laundry away etc but you both need to agree to this so it can be enforced

This. Dss is old enough to make and strip his own bed, sort his clothes out, use the washing machine and tidy up after himself. How far away is his school?

Ameanstreakamilewide · 03/05/2023 15:58

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 15:27

So it is not about DSS. This is about her husband.

For the PP, the TV will be obsolete for a teen in as far as he will be on whatsaap and tiktok ipads and whatever. Any parent of teerns will agree.

Not watching TV.

I bet the boy has a PS5, or something similar.

GretaGood · 03/05/2023 16:08

Daffodilsandtuplips · 03/05/2023 15:57

This. Dss is old enough to make and strip his own bed, sort his clothes out, use the washing machine and tidy up after himself. How far away is his school?

Show quote history

But as the OP is at home it will be her job to nag constantly.

Blossomtoes · 03/05/2023 16:29

GretaGood · 03/05/2023 16:08

But as the OP is at home it will be her job to nag constantly.

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No it won’t. I gave up nagging when mine was old enough to sort himself out. Laundry not done? Tough shit, you’ll have to wear dirty clothes then. Nagging is pointless and counterproductive.

funinthesun19 · 03/05/2023 16:47

Dontcallmescarface · 03/05/2023 14:45

Never ever would I treat my step child any differently over my own.

Really? Hypothetical question for anybody who thinks like this. It's a school day your DC's school is a 20 minute drive in one direction and your DSC's school is 20 minutes in the other. They are both around the same age and for whatever reason you have to collect them. Both schools finish the same time......which child do you collect first?

That’s a very good example. No doubt people would think it should be the DSC first.

REignbow · 03/05/2023 17:23

Well I glad that you have spoken to your DH. I have a feeling he will make excuses as to why it would be impossible for him to do anymore! You definitely have a DH problem!

LizzieW1969 · 03/05/2023 17:28

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 20:38

And ultimately, whatever the reason, if the child's father wants to offer his own child a full time home with him, then I don't think anyone has the right to stand in the way of that.

It's tricky with dad's because - especially if they've gone on to have more children with their new partner - they will be the "breadwinner" whilst their partner has taken on more of the childcare. So he isn't actually in a position to move his child in without expecting their partner to take over their primary care, which they absolutely cannot do without their explicit agreement.

Obviously I recognise this isn't the case in all families. But it will be more than half of the time.

Yes this is true. It’s what happened when my DSis married her DH, she became the primary carer once she had her own DC and became a SAHM. Right through his teen years. They were tricky years, as she had to be careful not to step on his mum’s toes. (He stayed with his mum and her new partner and kids EOW.)

But her DH was a single dad when they met, so she knew what she was taking on. She also came to love him as much as her own DC, and he’s become very much part of our extended family.

billy1966 · 03/05/2023 17:32

Good for you OP, that it some selfish loser you are with.

Whattodoaboutpox · 03/05/2023 17:53

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 14:17

Then maybe you should have thought about that before you started a relationship with his dad, the poor kid!

I don't think it's a given (or it shouldn't be) that just because you meet and marry a parent you'll be expected to take on everything to do with caring for their kids is it?

I absolutely do think that is a given. Hopefully your children will never have a stepmum who feel about them the way you do. It sounds awful.

celticprincess · 03/05/2023 17:54

Is there a reason he can’t get himself to and from school? My autistic teen has managed it since she started secondary. She gets a lift on my days off if it’s raining. It’s not far though, 20 minute walk. But she does have a key for my work days as I leave before her and come home after her. Youngest is now y6 and is also walking to and from school several days a week now we have lighter nights. Neither would manage it through from their dad’s house without a bit of training. But he never has them on school days unless a one off and he drives them. But I’m sure if I trained them on the bus they’d manage it.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 17:58

I absolutely do think that is a given. Hopefully your children will never have a stepmum who feel about them the way you do. It sounds awful.

😂 If you actually understood the comment you were quoting, you cannot be serious.

You can't seriously think it's a given that a step parent should take on ALL of the care of their step children - not just half, all? How would you even justify it being right that she should do everything for their shared children, let alone her SC?

Yousee · 03/05/2023 17:59

Whattodoaboutpox · 03/05/2023 17:53

I absolutely do think that is a given. Hopefully your children will never have a stepmum who feel about them the way you do. It sounds awful.

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Hopefully you don't have children you are willing to offload entirely onto your next romantic partner. It sounds awful.

SheilaFentiman · 03/05/2023 17:59

“you'll be expected to take on everything to do with caring for their kids is it?”

Huh??! I don’t do all the caring for my own kids - DH does half, as he should!

whumpthereitis · 03/05/2023 18:00

Whattodoaboutpox · 03/05/2023 17:53

I absolutely do think that is a given. Hopefully your children will never have a stepmum who feel about them the way you do. It sounds awful.

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That you think it’s a given, despite the mountain of evidence that it clearly isn’t, is a you problem, and one that may be solved by readjusting your expectations.

SheilaFentiman · 03/05/2023 18:03

Damn, quoted wrong post, meant to quote @Whattodoaboutpox

AutumnCrow · 03/05/2023 18:05

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 15:28

I find it a bit ridiculous when people say teens don't watch tv. Where do you think all the hugely popular teen film and tv franchises are coming from?

Show quote history

They watch TV and streaming services on their laptops, tablets and phones.

TVs are used for gaming, eg XBox and Play Station.

That’s my experience of my and DP’s teenagers anyway.

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