To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

Well then talk to each other, like adults and sort out share of workload. Like in every family, everywhere.

This is should not be a DSS problem.

Yes, an interesting insight... but still not actual experience of being a step parent.

What happens when one person is against doing their share of the workload? They just don't do it. There is no "sorting it out" unless her DH actually commits to it. At the moment he's not willing to change but blaming her for the fact that the answer is therefore no.

Huh I can guarantee if that was your biological child you would be very very different. I think its disgusting how people act quite often towards a child that's not theres. Sorry you got with someone who has a child so be responsible and stop favouring your others over him. There related, the child should be able to stay with any parent as long as he wishes and at that age he will sure figure he isnt exactly wanted by you which is horrible. Never ever would I treat my step child any differently over my own. They didn't ask to be put in an in between situation either.

Do you expect her to be surprised that you think she would feel differently about being expected to look after her own child? This is obvious - it's her job to look after her own child. It's his job to look after his.

Honestly, and this is the sort of thing we step parents are supposedly meant to take on board 😂

Have you sorted out the maintenance and expenses. Moving in is only one part of it. Who pays for what?

Oh how I love people telling op that she should look after the kid like her own.

Effectively letting both actual parents off the job of parenting themselves. They are left with the glory of being "proud parents" whilst OP gets all the drudgery of parenting. I expect they will both be there at parents evenings lapping up the praise, boasting about the kid's achievements to extended family etc etc.

Sounds an ideal set up for Mum and Dad, no drudgery and all the glory and they will jump on OP for daring to complain.

“Never ever would I treat my step child any differently over my own”

And if this boy was biologically both Op’s and DH’s, DH would still be unreasonable. In his view, the 12 year old is too young to walk to school so he expects his wife to do all the school runs. In her view, he’s plenty old enough. If this was a disagreement over a joint child, OP could say “if you think that, you need to do at least half the runs”

In defence to the OP, I certainly don't feel the same way towards my step son compared to my own children. It's just not the same kind of bond but it doesn't make someone a horrible person. As long as the step parent tries their best.

“Never ever would I treat my step child any differently over my own”

Step parents rarely have the choice. They do not make the rules.

I don't know how anyone can expect someone to feel the same way about someone else's child as they do their own (and no I don't just mean biological children).

My DC are my absolute life. I would die for them without a seconds hesitation and I'd not ever survive something awful happening to them. The love I have for them is nothing I've ever experienced before.

No, of course I bloody don't feel that way about DSC. Some may be able to and that's great but I imagine the vast majority of step parents do not.

I will always be closer to and more in love with my own children and I don't know why anyone finds that a shock personally.

Anyway, I've told DH again that DSS can only move in when he makes himself more available to care for him, I've also said we need to have a sit down about the rest of the workload in terms of our DC and housework etc.

You can't just force yourself to feel a certain way about someone. It doesn't work like that.

@HollyBerri Posts like yours basically say "i had to do it and put up with it so why shouldnt you"

Oh how I love people telling op that she should look after the kid like her own.

Which is also unite funny given how many people are commenting about the mother letting him move out at 12 over a TV.

The OP is in agreement with the child’s mother more than her DH is.

So treat him like your own, but don’t back his mother and do more than his father…

Probably not as damaging as knowing your mother doesn’t give a fuck when you say that you are moving out over a television.

It's a tough one. I'm a stepmum and we have DSD 50% of the time (sometimes more due to her mums job). I also have DD, do I love them the same? Honestly no, how can you? I do love DSD but it's a different love. That being said i do try to treat them the same as much as possible.

If for some reason DSD needed to live with us full time, I would absolutely facilitate it. That being said, DH and I are on the same page when it comes to parenting so the school run thing just wouldn't happen. If your DH wants him to move in then I think a serious change to the division of labour needs to happen and I know its a MN cliche but you have a DH problem not a DSS problem.

Don’t explain yourself, you’re right. I certainly do not love my step son like my own children. I care about him yes, and set him the same rules and boundaries as my own, but no, I don’t love him. And like you say, most step parents don’t love their step child like their own. You’re doing the right thing by telling your dh he needs to be around more if ss is to move in. I’d do the same. I do look after my step son occasionally, I’ll cook him tea when doing my own kids and I do his laundry because I do that anyway, but I wouldn’t be taking on the bulk of parenting for him, I’m not his parent he already has 2.

Anyway, I've told DH again that DSS can only move in when he makes himself more available to care for him, I've also said we need to have a sit down about the rest of the workload in terms of our DC and housework etc.

Wonder how your DH is feeling now, now that this has made you realise how much you are doing for your own shared DC and around the house.

No, he has 3 parents, you included.

@PinkyU This is a bizarre statement. The OP isn’t a third parent, legally she has zero parental rights and responsibilities.

It sounds as if she already does alot for her DSC, but his parents, who do have PR, need to be his primary caregivers, not her. She’s being expected to be an unpaid taxi service/child minder-will his Mum be paying CM if he’s with you full-time, and will some of that go towards your petrol, etc.?

I don't think anyone would seriously argue that a step parent should do nothing for a step child or feel nothing. Obviously if you marry someone with children, that's going to impact on your life snd it's reasonable to help out. And I think the ideal is if you feel love for your step children. But it would be completely unreasonable to expect a parent to feel the same level of love that they do for their own dc in all circumstances.
Loving or caring and helping out as part of a family unit,doesn't mean doing the bulk of the work. While having none of the say! And not even being asked before arrangements are agreed!

OP you are right to say to your dh that you are not willing to be the default parent to his children. And that should apply to the ones you share with him as well as the ones he has with his ex wife! He's been too lazy for too long when it comes to pulling his weight in the home and with the children (all of them).

So many of the issues you envisage with dss moving in, would be fixed if your husband wasn't being such a monumental piss taker.
This situation has probably done you a favour in the long term because it's highlighted a fundamental inequality of effort put into family life.
While you're fixing that, you need to agree with dh that there can't be separate rules for your shared kids and his kids if they are living under the same roof. That way, resentment lies, for your children in the future.

If it was me, I'd be happy to cook and do laundry if I was doing this for my kids anyway. But I wouldn't be doing a school run when my own dc weren't going to school and I certainly wouldn't be doing all holiday childcare - your dh should be taking time off work or wfh around the kids, as much as you are!

Never ever would I treat my step child any differently over my own.

Really? Hypothetical question for anybody who thinks like this. It's a school day your DC's school is a 20 minute drive in one direction and your DSC's school is 20 minutes in the other. They are both around the same age and for whatever reason you have to collect them. Both schools finish the same time......which child do you collect first?

I don’t think YABU in not wanting to do all the work regarding the children whether biologically yours or not. I don’t think the DSS is unreasonable in wanting to live with his Dad.
People really ought to think long and hard about getting into a relationship with someone with kids and the potential inconveniences to their life it may cause, which is why its a hard pass for many.

@Liorae has that happened then?

Well, shocking as it seems to be for people on here, many do think about it - and don't come to the conclusion that it will always involve saying yes if their stepchild decides they want to move in, even if it's not for a particularly good reason and isn't practical.

Yes we'd all likely have no choice if their mum died or abused them. But if they just fancy it, we do have the option to say no you will stay living with both mum and dad.

Hang on a minute - the mother has not "had the load until now"!! The split between parents is 50/50. OP's fulfilling a lot of her DH's 50% that father of the year isn't!!