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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
Springingintosummer · 03/05/2023 11:49

Hope you get this sorted.

I would insist on no TV in his bedroom at your house.
Is his mother happy having to pay child maintenance to her ex if you have him more than 50% of the time.

kirinm · 03/05/2023 11:55

bringincrazyback · 02/05/2023 14:21

Those commenting poor kid, he's not welcome, might want to consider that his own mum doesn't seem to care much about where he lives...

Since the OP hasn't actually responded to many of the questions asked about the current set up and the ex, it is a leap to start blaming the ex. Although that is a common theme on step parent threads.

kirinm · 03/05/2023 11:58

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 14:32

Fine, perhaps I am absolutely ignorant and well willing to own up to that.

I'm glad!

I just find it so sad in families where biological and step kids are treated differently within the same home, and where the kids are going to grow up with all sorts of resentments and issues as a result.

This is a common emotive argument. But really, how are you imaging they will be treated differently to the other children in the household? They will grow up knowing they are as loved by their own two parents as all other children. They might not be quite as precious to their step parents but there's no real need for them to expect this, or indeed for it to be explicitly said. They can have a nice relationship with them without them not becoming a third doting parent other children don't have causing them "issues".

There should be no moment where the SC is watching the SP refuse to do things for them, as it should already be done by their parent. Why would they question why their parent was the one to take them to school, or do their washing? They WILL question it if their parent is forever trying to pass the responsibility onto the step parent and meeting resistance. If they want to, it's perfectly possible for a parent to shield their child from their partner not being willing to be left doing everything for them, by just doing it themselves as they should be anyway.

Do you honestly believe it's okay for a step child to feel that at least their own parents love them even if the step parent and parent of their sibling doesn't? You're wrong. Knowing that you're not loved by your step parent or that they may be 'fond' of you is fucking damaging.

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:06

@YetMoreNewBeginnings that is precisely what my post says. The OP evidently objects to what she does now. Lots of people referring to the sc as 'someone else's child' to minimise who that other person is. That child isn't just some random kid that you're helping raise.

You're either a family or you're not.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 12:13

kirinm · 03/05/2023 11:38

These threads - of which there are many - always end up the same. Step parents don't want any responsibility for the kids despite having a relationship and home with one of the parents and everyone else thinks differently. Step parents dismiss everyone else as not understanding and had no real interest in alternative opinions anyway.

Yes they are always the same. People with no experience of a situation expecting people that do have experience of it to listen to their opinion and bow down to it.

It's perfectly normal to largely discount someone's opinion if they don't have proper experience of something - however frustrating that is when you are that person. Have you ever tried wading into a conversation about racism?

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 12:15

Do you honestly believe it's okay for a step child to feel that at least their own parents love them even if the step parent and parent of their sibling doesn't? You're wrong. Knowing that you're not loved by your step parent or that they may be 'fond' of you is fucking damaging.

Yes, I do. It may be damaging to know you're step parent dislikes you but there's no need for them to love you like they love their own when you have two involved parents and two homes.

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:16

@aSofaNearYou errr you don't know anything about me. I am a step child - in fact I have two step parents - and my partner is a step parent. I do understand the consequences of the parenting you think is so successful and not at all damaging. You don't, yet

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/05/2023 12:24

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:06

@YetMoreNewBeginnings that is precisely what my post says. The OP evidently objects to what she does now. Lots of people referring to the sc as 'someone else's child' to minimise who that other person is. That child isn't just some random kid that you're helping raise.

You're either a family or you're not.

The fact other people refer to ‘someone else’s child’ isn’t reflective on the Op. she’s said nothing about being unhappy with the current set up - being unhappy about an assumption of change isn’t the same thing.

That also goes for her DH as well. the OP is either parent of the parenting set up for the DSS - which means her opinions on the excessive Tv time and lack of rules should be listened to - or she’s not. It’s rude of her DH to expect her to do the majority of the work whilst having zero say.

As it is clearly the OP and the child’s mother both don’t think there should be a Tv in the bedroom. Yet not only is her DH saying it’s fine, he’s wanting to allow his child to move house because of it. So he clearly, imo, thinks only his opinion matters when it comes to rules and the likes.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 12:27

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:16

@aSofaNearYou errr you don't know anything about me. I am a step child - in fact I have two step parents - and my partner is a step parent. I do understand the consequences of the parenting you think is so successful and not at all damaging. You don't, yet

And despite the things you have experience of, you still don't have experience of being a step parent. You can't dance around that fact.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 12:37

kirinm · 03/05/2023 11:58

Do you honestly believe it's okay for a step child to feel that at least their own parents love them even if the step parent and parent of their sibling doesn't? You're wrong. Knowing that you're not loved by your step parent or that they may be 'fond' of you is fucking damaging.

Show quote history

@kirinm

but kids are not daft! They will know that their step parent is going to feel differently about them compared to their mother and father. Let’s not underestimate children’s intelligence!

SparklyBlackKitten · 03/05/2023 12:39

Imagine if the roles were reversed and dh said " no op. Your child can NOT come and live with us"....

If the TV is such an issue. Then get it removed and make it very clear it won't be replaced
And come up with ground rules (together with dh!!!) That he will have to live by. And that those rules will be a lot different then they used to be. Because if he is a fulltime child living in the house, then bye bye to the perks and fun of coming to visit. It's no longer a visit
It is a permanent residency. And with great powers come great responsibilities for him ☺

and last but not least. You have CHOSEN to take on all the cleaning etc. Stop choosing to be a "house slave" and start delegating. Start telling dh to do things. Make it clear that you won't be doing xyz going forward etc.

Set the rules
Talk about all posible outcomes
What to do when this happens
What to do if that happens. Who picks him up. Who does this. Etc
Be crystal clear about what you want and what you need.

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:39

@LuckySantangelo35 if you want to justify it in that way then you go ahead.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 12:40

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:39

@LuckySantangelo35 if you want to justify it in that way then you go ahead.

@kirinm

its true though!

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:41

@aSofaNearYou and you have absolutely no experience of the consequences of your style of parenting despite coming up with conclusions about how happy and accepting everyone is going to be.

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:42

@LuckySantangelo35 it isn't.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 03/05/2023 12:42

Imagine if the roles were reversed and dh said " no op. Your child can NOT come and live with us"....

Thats not what the Op has said though…

If the TV is such an issue. Then get it removed and make it very clear it won't be replaced

What makes you think the DH is going to accept that?

The OP says she’s made clear before she disagrees. The child’s mother obviously disagrees. Yet the tv is still there, the DH is accepting it as a reason to move, so why do you think he’s suddenly going to agree to it being removed?

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 12:47

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:42

@LuckySantangelo35 it isn't.

@kirinm
how is it not true? Can you explain that??

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 12:49

Of course a 12year old DS might prefer to live with his father at that stage of his life.
It should not be such a shocker.

He will eat with you later, stay up with you watching films, form a closer bond with his DF and his siblings.
Completely normal for a boy approaching teen years.
(Think shaving/learning to shave all that teen boy malarkey!)

OP needs time to let the shock wear off and rather than feel outraged, she can realise she chose a situation where this could likely happen.

A TV in the room and maybe paying for a cleaner(?) is the least of the issues😂

Lizzt2007 · 03/05/2023 12:50

ItsCalledAConversation · 02/05/2023 14:18

It would be for me, yes. Obviously not for you.

Show quote history

I'd expect their actual biological parents to share the load. I'm not a slave.

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 12:53

kirinm · 03/05/2023 12:41

@aSofaNearYou and you have absolutely no experience of the consequences of your style of parenting despite coming up with conclusions about how happy and accepting everyone is going to be.

Not into adulthood, but I have many years of witnessing how it's working in the present.

We all have things we've experienced and things we haven't but it's obtuse to think the perspective of actual step parents wouldn't be paramount to someone with a step parenting issue. Many others such as yourself will freely admit they do not even care how a situation affects the step parent.

People who have only witnessed the situation from a RPs perspective generally have no clue about NRP dynamics, too.

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 12:55

The mother has had theload, until now. Now it is over to fatherfor a bit (very sensible)

Get a cleaner
He obviously gets to school himself
Take the TV (which will be obselete in 6 months, I promise) out the room, if it upsets you.
Adapt with new boundaries for all, in new family situation.

Surely you discussed the eventuality? OP does not seem happy anyway. It is clearly unreasonable "to not support DSS moving in"

aSofaNearYou · 03/05/2023 12:58

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 12:49

Of course a 12year old DS might prefer to live with his father at that stage of his life.
It should not be such a shocker.

He will eat with you later, stay up with you watching films, form a closer bond with his DF and his siblings.
Completely normal for a boy approaching teen years.
(Think shaving/learning to shave all that teen boy malarkey!)

OP needs time to let the shock wear off and rather than feel outraged, she can realise she chose a situation where this could likely happen.

A TV in the room and maybe paying for a cleaner(?) is the least of the issues😂

They might prefer it but it's not necessarily an option unless their DF happens to be the sort with flexible enough work that they can be their primary caregiver, which sadly is rare. Them wanting something doesn't mean it can be facilitated.

Nobody chooses to agree to be their step child's main carer day to day unless they explicitly say that is something they're willing to do.

Ktime · 03/05/2023 13:05

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 12:55

The mother has had theload, until now. Now it is over to fatherfor a bit (very sensible)

Get a cleaner
He obviously gets to school himself
Take the TV (which will be obselete in 6 months, I promise) out the room, if it upsets you.
Adapt with new boundaries for all, in new family situation.

Surely you discussed the eventuality? OP does not seem happy anyway. It is clearly unreasonable "to not support DSS moving in"

TV will not be obsolete in 6 months, millions watch it and will continue to watch it 😂

This is not OP's problem, this is not her kid, she should not offer any solutions.

Ktime · 03/05/2023 13:07

adriftabroad · 03/05/2023 12:49

Of course a 12year old DS might prefer to live with his father at that stage of his life.
It should not be such a shocker.

He will eat with you later, stay up with you watching films, form a closer bond with his DF and his siblings.
Completely normal for a boy approaching teen years.
(Think shaving/learning to shave all that teen boy malarkey!)

OP needs time to let the shock wear off and rather than feel outraged, she can realise she chose a situation where this could likely happen.

A TV in the room and maybe paying for a cleaner(?) is the least of the issues😂

Basically you're saying in order to facilitate a closer bond between DSS with his dad and siblings, OP needs to accept doing most of the housework and child work for DSS, more so than his actual mum and dad?

kirinm · 03/05/2023 13:12

@aSofaNearYou there you are making assumptions again. I have the experience if trying to resolve issues between my DP and DS having needed to appreciate the position from both sides. Fortunately my DP didn't ever behave in the way often described on here - 'not my problem'.