To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP I totally agree. It’s lazy parenting on their behalf. So what if you work PT. Their child is their FT job not yours. Having said that I would remove that TV from his room and see how long it lasts. Secondly people guilting you into step parenthood are pretty shite. Step kids are the responsibility of the parent and you only become more involved if you want to. Absolutely shocking responses here and from your DH.

Cushyier life at dad's, own room etc and his mum stricter than dad. That will be real reasons for wanting to stay at dad's. We had a neighbour her child was put to stay with relatives, she had the child back at 14 and it was down to not liking to be told what to do. After not having the child for ten years the first week in child came back drunk. My neighbour said to me laughing what can you do. Child should have been made to stay with relatives.

Take the tv out of his bedroom. Make up lists of chores the DSC have to do, eg strip beds, do their own laundry, keep their rooms clean. Etc

tell your H DSS can take himself to school in the morning and the hobby run can be split between H & XW. You know the parents of the child.

Absolutely don’t use up your annual leave to babysit DSC. That’s on their parents also.

if the parents want to baby their 12 & 13 year olds they can. You don’t have to put yourself out.

once the parents actually find themselves having to parent, they might suddenly find they’re a lot less inclined to baby their kids. Having to actually do the drudge work yourself tends to suddenly make people realise they don’t really mind their darlings doing picking up after themselves.

Why do people keep telling the OP to remove the tv?

Her DH has ignored her opinions on it until now and is prepared to let his child move home over no tv at his mothers - he’s not going to back that from the OP.

If he was remotely interested in the kid having any restrictions on tv viewing he’d have put them in place already.

The kid's allowed to be told 'no', once in a while.

I don't think it's cricket that he can just pick and choose where he lives, simply because the boy's Mum has some house rules that he doesn't like.
Life is full of rules we don't like, but we can't just walk away from them.

If his parents were still married, the idea of moving out wouldn't even occur to him. Where would he go??
So, I don't see how it's any different, now?

I do wonder how his Mum feels about this. Hopefully the OP has a half decent relationship with the boy's mum, so she can speak to her about it.

The TV being in the child's bedroom is one of the reasons the child wants to move in with their father and the OP.

By removing the TV, you're removing one 'incentive' for the child to want to move in (or at least seeing if the child genuinely wants to be with their father or not).

There isn't a TV in their room in the house they live with their mother, so this would be something to consider.

Who gets the child benefit that's another messy one.
Who pays Who.if he gers to go joke at weekends.
Needs thinking about.
Who picks him up from school.if he's ill?

How does he get to see his mum will he be gone for weekends, if so less work.
Lots of financial things to take into consideration too.

This. And hold firm on the school runs and club runs. Say no to tv in bedrooms. By all leans fill in occasionally. Draw up a list of chores he will be expected to help with before he moves in. He may decide life at mums is not so bad. He should not be allowed to move because he wants his own way. His mum said no tv. You should too or he is being given the message that he can manipulate everybody and get what he wants.

My husband was forbidden from living at his Dad’s by his stepmum when he was a similar age and he has never forgotten how it made him feel (he’s 43). It’s taken him years to forgive his dad for not fighting his corner. You need to be upfront about the extra help required to make the request work (school runs, mealtimes, cleaning, holidays, taxi rides to mates houses) etc. rather than appear to be the blocker. In the short term it’s a pain in the arse as the new routine settles in, but he’s just a kid and it’s actually a massive compliment to both you as a step mum and his dad that he’d like to be with you - he obviously feels very safe and loved.

It's the OP'S partner that hopefully has a half decent relationship with his son's other parent so he can speak to her about it.

Ops partner has chosen to have a large family. He may well need to either work more (to afford to buy in care) or work less (to do that care himself).
Such are the problems with having a large family.
Op hasn't had as many children so her options are more open.

Is anyone aware of a set up where a man meets a woman with children, they move in together and have joint DC and the man does not only 90% of the care and running around for his own children but also for his step-children?

I’ve never witnessed it. The other way around ….

YANBU! OP. I wouldn’t oppose the move but I’d step back from ALL the workload. I wouldn’t be issuing reminders about bedding changes etc. either. He wants to parent 100% so he needs to parent 100% - and share the load for his children with you too.

If your children are pre-schoolers, you are already doing child care on your day off- it’s not a leisure day, or a day you can devote fully to housework.

So the problem is that your husband is not pulling his weight in the household now, let alone when DSS moves in. I would see this as an opportunity to sit down with DH and discuss how to split the chores, with both DSS taking on some age-appropriate chores as well as getting themselves to school.

How many bedrooms does your house have? Unless it’s a 5 bed, presumably the DSS will need to share at some point when the 2 younger ones need their own rooms?

I get that…

My point is that her DH isn’t going to do that.

The OP has already objected to the amount of tv time and been ignored. The mother has stood fast on it and the DH hasn’t said “don’t be silly, you can’t move out based on a Tv”.

He’s not going to let the Op remove a Tv he clearly thinks is fine - if he was he’d have dealt with it long before now.

Why not get an extra job working nights OP? (So long as you’re home in time for the school run of course!). Then you can look after the house and the kids all day. That could work.

(Honestly given some of the suggestions on here, I wouldn’t be surprised if this comes next!)

I also hate the arguments on here that the dh works more hours and therefore OP should help out - he works more hours presumably because he's got more kids to support than the OP. And she's saving the nursery fees by having a day at home anyway.

I know, right? This argument actually says "the more children the man has, the easier he should expect his life to be" to him and "the more children the man has, the harder you should expect your life to be" to OP.
So stunningly stupid.

Especially in this kind of case where the OP works one day less. Plus has more flexibility on the other days so does the school run and the likes round her work.

Shes not exactly working 2 hours a week versus him doing 100!

What teen watches TV?

In my world, none do.
This is not about a TV. Also, obviously he can get to school on his own.

Ther is an element of catastophoy here, which is not needed.

What a bizarrely blanket statement.

It is not a blanket statement, or bizarre.

Teens do not watch TV in their rooms in my world. They watch it with family or are on [phones/ipads or out.

These threads - of which there are many - always end up the same. Step parents don't want any responsibility for the kids despite having a relationship and home with one of the parents and everyone else thinks differently. Step parents dismiss everyone else as not understanding and had no real interest in alternative opinions anyway.

Yes the poor poor step parents who actively choose to get into relationships with people who already have kids. It's easy to not be a step parent.

And what does that say for those of us who are step parents but also agree with the Op’s position on this one?

The Op has responsibility for her DSS. And would happily take more of the situation necessitated it.

I don't agree with a lot of what you're saying but I do think this is totally unreasonable. Most parents have jobs and kids need to go elsewhere so they can work. I would be insisting the kids aren't just hanging around and they go to some sort of holiday club. How old are your own children / child. Presumably you can't work effectively with them around either.