To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

I think it's a really bad idea for children living under the same roof, to have different upbringings. If you, as the main carer, decide for example no tv in the bedroom, then that rule should apply to dsc too! You can't be raising your kids with different rule to his kids, when both are in your house. Obviously what his mum does is up to her.

So, I would say to dh that yes, he can move in, but he abides by the house rules that you and dh have jointly agreed. There may be some differences (due to age of dc), but all the kids should be fundamentally raised in the same way. And if you are doing the bulk of the care, you get the bigger say. Particularly about things you rather than dh will be doing.

The biggest problem here is your dh not pulling his weight with any of his children. Imo, not only should you not be taking on more responsibility, you should be reducing what you already do, so that your husband is spending his fair share of time looking after all the kids.

Re driving to school, if you were going anyway I'd say to take dss too. But since you aren't, this is a job for dh. And when yours are old enough for school, he should drive them too, not assume you will take care of everything

The op isn’t standing in the way so much as she’s saying I won’t do school runs and extra cooking. If the father wants to offer the child a full time home AND pick up the extra load associated with that, then we have a totally different scenario. Nobody has a right to offer their child a home with the expectation their partner -who works 4 days- barely part time at all, and does just about everything for the dc already so has a heavier load than this entitled dad- does all the work! (& doesn’t get any say either - she doesn’t get to comment on the tv. No tv in childrens bedrooms at ours and if Dh had his own children and parented that way we wouldn’t be compatible.

That SS' mother agrees to this arrangement would indicate to me that she also has an issue with this boy's behavior.

What does DSS’s mom think of all this?

I imagine most moms would be very upset to have a 12 year old move out from 50/50 to 100% at Dads.

Is she also backing this plan, or is it only coming from DDS and your DH?

It would be a No Way from me. It is a terrible plan. Not fair on you at all, and not fair on DDS’s mom either (presuming she doesn’t want him to leave).

DSS also sounds like trouble. Manipulative and without loyalty, only thinking about himself and his comfort. He is likely to get worse as he heads into his teens.

Probably wise to make some strict house rules of your own (in writing and signed by all three of you) regarding chores and getting yourself to school. Do this before he moves in full time.

Probably wise to make some strict house rules of your own (in writing and signed by all three of you) regarding chores and getting yourself to school. Do this before he moves in full time.

I'd like to run an MN sweepstake and I get to go first. To all the PPs saying lay out the ground rules, what are the chances the DH will enforce them? My go - 0%. Right, who wants to take 1%?

Another one, to those PPs saying she should communicate with DH. What are the chances he'll listen? My go - 0%. Anyone for 1%?

What are the chances of the DH supporting taking the TV out of the DSS's room? 0%

Prize for the winner of each sweepstake a MN bottle of fizz.🍾

This. No TV’s in bedrooms.
They walk to school.
Set up a cooking, cleaning and clothes washing rota for you and dh.

this is a great opportunity for you to say, actually none if this works for you and things need to change. You are not your husband’s staff.

A 12 year old is not capable of seeing the full picture of what they are asking. They just see the immediate results (such as own room and tv).

My concern would be that if your step son lives with you full time, that is going to undermine his relationship with his mum as he won't be spending much time with her. If she isn't abusive and there are no concerns in that respect, I don't think it would benefit a child to suddenly not see one parent on a whim.

My children are older now but if they had wanted to do this at 12, the answer would have been no. It's a big decision and not one I feel should be left with such a young child.

Regards the taking him to school etc, I'm in two minds with it. I'm a step-mum and I do believe that you have to take the child on as if your own to some degree but I also think it's a lot to put on you OP so I'm not sure.

Tell the boy that you won't be driving him to school, but you'll gladly walk him there abd give him a big hug at the school gate.

She gets an opinion, not a say, which mirrored the child's power in her marrying the father. The law would take into account the 12 year old's choice. Not the new spouse's. Tough pill to swallow.

I am not sure what you mean by the rest. Are you implying he is merely entitled? In this scenario, he doesn't seem to be a xocklodger, just unrealistic expectations.

As his second wife, I would be frustrated, but the kids ( all of them) come first. Put in your ground rules around chores.But also house rules around parenting.

It could all work out and give the half siblings a chance to become.closer

YANBU OP. You haven’t been consulted in a decision which has the greatest impact on you.

I’d think that anyway. But as an aside IMO working 4 days and being the primary carer for kids isn’t the great benefit it’s cracked up to be. You do 80% of the paid work and probably 80% of the parenting. Whilst the other parent is free to do as much or little as they please. It’s an enormous pressure and that one day. Which is spent doing childcare does little to address that balance.

The law may take into account the child’s wishes, but it wouldn’t say “DSS can move in and the OP has to do all the things her DH has assumed she will”.

He clearly expects the OP to be a parent to his children when it comes to shouldering the work, but expects her to default to him when it comes to rules being set.

Also thr OP hasn’t said he can’t move in. Just that if he moves in for this reason she won’t be willing to do all the work to facilitate it - Oh I'm not saying he can't come in. Just that I'm not going to be doing even more than I already do to facilitate it

As it is the child’s mother doesn’t agree about the tv, and the OP doesn’t agree about the tv. The DH needs to catch himself on - if he actually wanted there to be three equal parents he wouldn’t be overruling two of the others…

You will be doing more parenting than his parents why should you give up time with your preschool children to parent/taxi someone else’s child there babies for a few short years hand the care back to his parents, say it’s already too much with work and your own babies! If partner wants him to come he needs to do the work himself! He’s unable to care for him how they want him looked after because he’s not there too so this isn’t a practical solution right now

I agree with all of this.

Dad gets to be the hero. Women do all the work / feel all the loss.

Since you took my odds, I'll go with a .0000000001% chance.

To me, it sounds like OPs NSDH is being very generous, with the OP's life and time, while assuming his should not change a bit.

I reiterate--the OP is expected to take the responsibility without any parental authority or rights. Not a good bargain in any scenario.

ITA! Disney Daddy will get the accolades and SM and BM will get the short end of the stick and many MNers see nothing wrong with that as long as SC gets his way.

This! I have also seen children who use their "presence" in the house as a bargaining chip to play the 2 parents off each other in a game of "who will give me what I want next, first" and choose according to who steps up first.
Now it's a tv, his own room. What's next? Game consoles, shoes, trips, down the line a car?

I am still wondering if every child in the OPs home have their own room or do any share? Who takes them off to school when the other SC stays over?

Don't restrict the relationship between SS and his mother.

Teenagers are like toddlers in that they push the boundaries.
Having a TV in his room is not a good enough reason to leave his mother, infact I would make sure that his living arrangemetns mirror those of his other room. I think SS is taking advantage of you.

Why won't DH remove the TV from his son's room? Is there a competition between him and his exwife?
It is not in SS best interest to live with you more than 50% of the time. Tell your husband to be more confident as a father.

He also needs to reassess the burden he places on you for unequal care of all of the children.

So, your ex-gf had the responsibilities of caring for SC but was not allowed to have any parental authority over them, especially since it didn't totally align with YOUR rules and after all, they are YOUR children. 🙄 Got it. 😬

Thank goodness ex-gf got away from that toxicity!👏👏

This sentence says it all, "can carry out relatively basic tasks pertaining to themselves". A 12 year old (or older), has THAT as their standard.

I truly feel for the 95% of SMs who have to deal with that type of stance/behavior.

Why won't DH remove the TV from his son's room? Is there a competition between him and his exwife?
There usually is one.

You could argue that if his mum isn’t happy for him to a tv in his room at her house why is she happy for him to have it in his room at your house?

of course you shouldn’t be left with all the extra work and he would have to live by your rules in your house so you should definitely set out your boundaries regarding walking to school ect.

Who says the Mum is happy for him to have a Tv?

It’s highly unlikely that she is, given that she’s not backed down despite the threat of him moving out.

The OP doesn’t approve of the tv either, but her DH allows it. If he doesn’t agree, or have any compromise with his current wife the chances of him listening to his ex is tiny.

Aside from anything else - and I do agree with you, OP - this kid's behaviour is really hurtful and insulting to his mother. He shouldn't be allowed to opt out of living with her on a whim, because he's not old enough to understand the impact on her or himself.

apart from the school run how much extra work is actually involved? You are cooking / cleaning/ washing etc for other dcs so 1 more won’t make much difference. Could you get a cleaner to make life a bit easier?
I would cut back on the school run though. He is is old enough to make his own way there or you other half can make arrangements.
This is from experience of step dc coming to love with us at a similar age.
it does sound a bit to me like you are creating barriers.