Page 17 | To not support stepchild moving in?

Fizzy196 · 2023-05-02T11:28:55+00:00

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases. The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business). Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week. I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant. I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc.. He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no. DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

Coyoacan · 02/05/2023 19:09

Some interesting points coming up. The idea that children can unilaterally decide which parent they live with for example. I have known teenagers who swapped and changed between their parents' houses everytime they didn't like a rule.

whynotwhatknot · 02/05/2023 19:17

they sound spoilt being taken to school and not doing chores-just refuse its not your job

i was going on the tube to school at 13

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 19:30

Coyoacan · 02/05/2023 19:09

Some interesting points coming up. The idea that children can unilaterally decide which parent they live with for example. I have known teenagers who swapped and changed between their parents' houses everytime they didn't like a rule.

I know, it's baffling why the parents are enabling this. I pity the DC who don't have the option of moving house every time they're pissed of with a parent? 😆

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 19:34

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:04

These threads are so upsetting. My ex persuaded our kids to live with him in their teens to reduce child support. The wife obviously didn't support it, told him his kids he'd have to deal with them and obviously he just didn't.
So my children were neglected and put in actual danger living in a house where it was clear they weren't a priority.
If you aren't going to do the job properly and parent them like your own, do not allow the kid to move in.

They chose to live in 'danger' rather than go back to you? How did that make you feel? What danger were your teens in?

FlyingPandas · 02/05/2023 19:35

OP I completely see your point of view here - although equally I always feel sad for DC whose parents have married and had second families, so at the same time I feel for your SDC as well.

There is absolutely no reason (barring SEN) that a 12yo cannot do a 20 minute walk away or take a short bus ride.

There is absolutely no reason why any child (or adult, for that matter) should have a TV in their bedroom. It's completely unnecessary.

What would happen if you played devil's advocate slightly and said fine, happy to have him here but the TV will have to be removed from the bedroom as it's not healthy for a child to have it available overnight as a permanent living arrangement? Is he then likely to have a strop and refuse to live with you anyway?

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/05/2023 19:39

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:44

I disagree if I'm the one being expected to do it.

They can't just unilaterally decide he needs taking to school but not do it themselves. I think he's old enough so I won't be taking him. If DH disagrees, his is welcome to start doing it himself.

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This seems reasonable. He is 12. He can take himself to school (walk/ get bus etc.) If your DH wants him taken to school, he needs to do this himself. That's not a crazy boundary to have. Especially as the other children are younger - so presumably at nursery/ primary school.

billy1966 · 02/05/2023 19:40

HadalyEve · 02/05/2023 18:48

I get to say my opinion just like you. And by the way, if it went to court they’d be siding with the child at age 12 on where the child lives. You wouldn’t get to stand up and tell the justice that your permission as step mum is required. It’s not. You chose to be with a man who has children. You chose to be a step mum. Choosing that comes with a responsibility to the child. The child didn’t get a say in you moving in with his dad, so why should you get veto authority?

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Well as the OP is contributing financially to the home, she most certainly gets a say in who lives in the home she pays towards.

The OP's partner is clearly a complete loser that found the nearest mug to have more children with so she would house and look after his two existing children.

Regular theme on here.🤷🏻‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 19:46

I get to say my opinion just like you. And by the way, if it went to court they’d be siding with the child at age 12 on where the child lives. You wouldn’t get to stand up and tell the justice that your permission as step mum is required. It’s not. You chose to be with a man who has children. You chose to be a step mum. Choosing that comes with a responsibility to the child. The child didn’t get a say in you moving in with his dad, so why should you get veto authority?

It's not really about what the court would decide, but about what my DP could decide unilaterally without forfeiting the relationship (and thus the home).

I didn't "move in with" my DP, I haven't entered his home. We set up a home together. And I'm not vetoing DSS's authority - he never had it. As a child he needs to defer to his parents decision about where he lives, not just decide he's moving. He'll be listened to but he doesn't get the final say, because he's a child.

My DD said she wanted to live at her grandparents last week. But it isn't up to her and wouldn't be if she was 12.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/05/2023 19:46

Of course the OP gets a say on who moves in to the house. But we are not talking about just anyone. We are talking about her husband's child.

If you aren't willing to let your partner's child live in your shared home while they are still under 18, then I just don't think you should marry someone with children tbh.

I wouldn't want someone else's child living in my house either fwiw, but that is one very good reason why I wouldn't ever have got involved with someone who already had children. It isn't reasonable to refuse.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 19:49

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/05/2023 19:46

Of course the OP gets a say on who moves in to the house. But we are not talking about just anyone. We are talking about her husband's child.

If you aren't willing to let your partner's child live in your shared home while they are still under 18, then I just don't think you should marry someone with children tbh.

I wouldn't want someone else's child living in my house either fwiw, but that is one very good reason why I wouldn't ever have got involved with someone who already had children. It isn't reasonable to refuse.

It depends why he wants to move in. If there's trouble at mum's, yes, sure. But if his reasons are superficial/guided by hormonal grumpiness then it might be a no if a) it isn't convenient for either household b) it isn't in his best interests to stop living with his mum.

EekGoesTheBaby · 02/05/2023 19:59

That sounds so frustrating, OP! The change is not for a good reason. DSS's parents don't get to make this decision to dump more work on yiu without your consent. Is DSS's mother going to be paying maintenance if it's not 50/50 anymore? She should!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/05/2023 20:07

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 19:49

It depends why he wants to move in. If there's trouble at mum's, yes, sure. But if his reasons are superficial/guided by hormonal grumpiness then it might be a no if a) it isn't convenient for either household b) it isn't in his best interests to stop living with his mum.

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I guess I don't believe that he is moving in just for the TV in his bedroom.

If his reasons for moving were genuinely as superficial as the OP suggests, no caring mother would realistically just shrug her shoulders and let her 12yo move out. So, either there is more to his decision than the OP is letting on or the reasons really are trivial and the child's mother doesn't give a shit. Either of those would be good reasons to let him move in with his father in my view.

And ultimately, whatever the reason, if the child's father wants to offer his own child a full time home with him, then I don't think anyone has the right to stand in the way of that. The possibility of that happening goes with the territory when you get into a relationship with someone who already has children in my opinion.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/05/2023 20:09

And yes, of course the mother should pay maintenance if the dss moves in. Both parents have obligations towards the child.

LuckyPeonies · 02/05/2023 20:22

DrMarciaFieldstone · 02/05/2023 17:08

Noooo, children whose parents are still together are lucky to have two parents who live together, so they can walk.

DSC’s must be ferried back and forward as they’ve had so much change in their lives, therefore they can’t use their legs.

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🤣🤣🤣

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 02/05/2023 20:33

HadalyEve · 02/05/2023 18:48

I get to say my opinion just like you. And by the way, if it went to court they’d be siding with the child at age 12 on where the child lives. You wouldn’t get to stand up and tell the justice that your permission as step mum is required. It’s not. You chose to be with a man who has children. You chose to be a step mum. Choosing that comes with a responsibility to the child. The child didn’t get a say in you moving in with his dad, so why should you get veto authority?

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That would depend very much on who owns or rents the home the couple are staying in, and the poster you're arguing with here hasn't given full info on that. The OP is married, but you surely know that it's possible to be cohabiting with a partner and not have any legal right to their home? Not sure on what basis you think a judge would make an order that a person who has no interest in the property, which some partners don't, is able to bring their child to live full time and it's just tough tits on the actual owner or tenant?

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 20:38

And ultimately, whatever the reason, if the child's father wants to offer his own child a full time home with him, then I don't think anyone has the right to stand in the way of that.

It's tricky with dad's because - especially if they've gone on to have more children with their new partner - they will be the "breadwinner" whilst their partner has taken on more of the childcare. So he isn't actually in a position to move his child in without expecting their partner to take over their primary care, which they absolutely cannot do without their explicit agreement.

Obviously I recognise this isn't the case in all families. But it will be more than half of the time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 20:41

Ok so let’s get this straight…

according to some people OP should contribute toward all the bills and mortgage of the house, do all the cooking and cleaning of the house, and take full care of any children who enter the house…

but then have no say whatsoever as to actually lives in said house…

riiiiiight!

yeah, nah. Op doesn’t have to accept that. I know that will blow some people’s minds

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2023 20:59

The dad gets to play cool parent whilst the women facilitate it all for him.

The mum by being forced to give up her position as RP and has probably done a really good job for her son and now her position all ends over a TV 🙄.

And the OP for just conveniently being there for the dad to make it happen.

Then he gets to skip off out to work leaving it all to the OP, while the mum probably misses her DS.

DSS will think his mum is mean and annoying, will think his dad is amazing for allowing him to have an TV and he won’t even notice the OP doing anything for him. It will all be about how great his dad is and how cool it is living at his dad’s.

Once again the man wins because everyone else bent over backwards for him.

Mumsanetta · 02/05/2023 21:00

“And ultimately, whatever the reason, if the child's father wants to offer his own child a full time home with him, then I don't think anyone has the right to stand in the way of that.”

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Not anyone, including the person who will be doing the actual parenting while the father’s life remains largely unchanged? LOL!

GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2023 21:05

HadalyEve · 02/05/2023 18:28

Nope. They need to agree on the circumstances and terms of the step child living with them, but the child has the unilateral right to choose to live with whichever parent they choose, barring safeguarding concerns, and the parents, including step-parents are responsible for and have a duty to make it happen.

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This is a fantasy... plenty of children don't even see their absent fathers. No mattert how much they would like to. Lots of single Mothers would love their absent ex to do even the odd overnight.

They certainly don't have a unilateral right to move between their parents. Practical reasons such as "you can't get to school from your dads" or "mum doesnt have a spare bedroom" are just one consideration.

Partyandbullshit · 02/05/2023 21:08

And ultimately, whatever the reason, if the child's father wants to offer his own child a full time home with him, then I don't think anyone has the right to stand in the way of that.

Of course he can do that. In his own house, or with someone who's happy to have them both in her/his house. He has no right to impose anything or his son on any other party.

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2023 21:10

The mum by being forced to give up her position as RP and has probably done a really good job for her son and now her position all ends over a TV 🙄.

And just to add to my point here. I would be really annoyed if I was the mum in this situation. Annoyed at the dad for indulging DSS in his sulkiness about the TV. He should tell his son to respect the rules at his mum’s and that’s that. Not use it as an opportunity to win the cool parent award.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 02/05/2023 21:15

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2023 20:59

The dad gets to play cool parent whilst the women facilitate it all for him.

The mum by being forced to give up her position as RP and has probably done a really good job for her son and now her position all ends over a TV 🙄.

And the OP for just conveniently being there for the dad to make it happen.

Then he gets to skip off out to work leaving it all to the OP, while the mum probably misses her DS.

DSS will think his mum is mean and annoying, will think his dad is amazing for allowing him to have an TV and he won’t even notice the OP doing anything for him. It will all be about how great his dad is and how cool it is living at his dad’s.

Once again the man wins because everyone else bent over backwards for him.

I agree with every word you said.

Wallywobbles · 02/05/2023 21:29

Time for chores I think. Cooking 1 or 2 a week. Does own washing and ironing. My 4 were more help than hindrance by 12. My role is more managerial!

Wallywobbles · 02/05/2023 21:36

How about you'll agree to think about it if the tv leaves his room permanently.