Page 16 | To not support stepchild moving in?

Fizzy196 · 2023-05-02T11:28:55+00:00

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases. The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business). Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week. I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant. I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc.. He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no. DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 02/05/2023 17:57

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2023 17:40

But she’s part time due to having pre schoolers. Why should she just “ramp it up” and throw the current arrangement out of the window if it’s working for her and her DCs? And yes it works for DH too because there isn’t as much to pay for nursery fees, which also benefits DSS too as more money in the family pot.

So why on earth would she go full time to avoid her DH’s insistence about DSS? She can just use that very useful word called “NO”.

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OP has also said her work is very flexible and DHs isn't at all, so odds are she'd still end up doing a disproportionate amount of the child related stuff. Given that she works 0.8, it's the flexibility that allows her to do as much as she currently does, not the hours.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 17:58

adriftabroad · 02/05/2023 16:42

You have a teenage boy about to move in. Your husbands DS. Not much you can do...

Enjoy.

@adriftabroad

OP isn’t a servant you know
she has some autonomy
she doesn’t have to just suck up what other people decide

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 18:02

Dontcallmescarface · 02/05/2023 14:34

YBBU. Personally I would sit both the DSC and his dad down and tell them how it's going to be given that you are going to become the primary carer as both parents don't seem to be able or willing to parent him. I would lay down some firm rules

1 DSC either walks to school or his dad takes him. The ONLT exceptions being if it's lashing down with rain or dad loses a limb.

2 The t.v in his room goes off at x o'clock if not then it is removed from the room, until such time as you decide he can have it back

3 DSC does his share of chores, 1 of which will be laundry

4 Homework is done before he puts his t.v on if not...see rule 2.

5 Tell the parents that if they want you to take on the role as a parent to THEIR child then they have to accept that you will discipline him and neither of them are to undermine you regarding any rules you set out.

Well put! 👏👏👏👏

If the OP cannot have parental authority without interference then she should have no responsibility either.

Both or neither.
I would add the "rule" that OP is not his personal chauffeur. He can take a bus, bike, have his DM or DF take him to activities/friends etc., unless there are extenuating circumstance, then if OP agrees and has time, she would fill in.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 18:03

A child should not need his step mums permission to live with his dad. 🤷‍♀️

His dad has chosen to cohabit with another adult, so of course he needs her agreement. There are consequences to that decision.

thestepmumspacepodcast · 02/05/2023 18:05

Typical responses on here along with some sensible ones thankfully!

OP - I can totally see why you don't want to take on all the extra responsibility and it doesn't sound like SS is coming for the right reasons.

Can you list out realistic options you'd be happy with / you'd think are fair and go from there?

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 18:10

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sounds like you are doing every woman in the country a favor. You sound like the type of person who would want the SM to have all the responsibility of taking care of them and no parental authority to raise them to be respectable DC.

REignbow · 02/05/2023 18:13

I am not a step parent but I agree with you @Fizzy196

l Will say that you are damed if you do and damed if you don’t (which is evident on this thread with a myriad of opinions).

You need to sit down and discuss this with your Dh ask him how he is going to facilitate this? I would tell him that you are not an unpaid nanny, who is going to pick up the slack of this boys parents. Just because he works full time doesn’t mean it equals not doing any of the parenting drudge.

You need to stick firmly to your boundary.

Smoky1107 · 02/05/2023 18:16

I think your just right. I made a mistake and took on lots of extra stuff years ago and it's taken a while to eventually scale that back and realise that I am not responsible for certain things whilst others enjoy lie ins, days off and pass criticism on most of what I did. Like you say he can move in if dad does his share

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 18:20

Oxbridgetitans · 02/05/2023 16:47

Agree with this. Are you saying you wont be taking your other children to school? No. So you’re singling out the step son stating that. YABU and worse than that, not a very nice step mum. You should treat all your children the same: biological and ‘step’.

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Oh, FFS!!!!! OP never and I mean EVER said she would not make her own DC walk to school. They aren't even IN school yet. I also bet she will not wait on them hand and foot like she is expected to do with SC AND they'll have chores and discipline, unlike SC seems to be able to avoid.
You must be a really fun individual as you just go along making up bull💩 scenarios to suit some agenda you want to envision. 🙄😬😡
You are being CTAE and worse than that, not a very nice human being. (Since you said that to OP, I figure you might enjoy it back)

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 18:27

AskMeMore · 02/05/2023 15:51

The OP works 4 days a week but according to some on here is supposed to somehow do everything needed at home within her 1 day left and be grateful for the opportunity.

Just mind-boggling, isn't it?

I suppose OP can forgo sleep and eating for the good of her family. Well, as long as she can keep up with her other "chores". /S🙄

HadalyEve · 02/05/2023 18:28

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 18:03

A child should not need his step mums permission to live with his dad. 🤷‍♀️

His dad has chosen to cohabit with another adult, so of course he needs her agreement. There are consequences to that decision.

Nope. They need to agree on the circumstances and terms of the step child living with them, but the child has the unilateral right to choose to live with whichever parent they choose, barring safeguarding concerns, and the parents, including step-parents are responsible for and have a duty to make it happen.

Harrypewter · 02/05/2023 18:29

Nanaof1 · 02/05/2023 18:10

Sounds like you are doing every woman in the country a favor. You sound like the type of person who would want the SM to have all the responsibility of taking care of them and no parental authority to raise them to be respectable DC.

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No, I'm a parent who has had a routine in the home since my children were born 12 yrs ago. My ex-wife has her routine in her house. We all communicate regularly and never, ever impose or criticize.
Ex girlfriend on the other hand assumed command or attempted to under the pretence of making my children ship-shape and ready for battle (because she knew better) Er no.
The children are polite, excel at school, and can carry out relatively basic tasks pertaining to themselves. What neither family does is run a military-based operation.

LorW · 02/05/2023 18:34

I’d just move out OP, leave him and his son to it, bet your DH wouldn’t have him move in if you left as they’d be nobody to do the ‘woman’s work’ 🙄

I pray my daughter never ends up with a man who thinks that she deserves no autonomy. No woman should just ‘suck it up’ on the whims of a man…

loopsaloo · 02/05/2023 18:35

Feel for you OP. I'm in the same situation, except my SD is 25. She's turned my life upside down since she's been here.

funinthesun19 · 02/05/2023 18:35

Harrypewter · 02/05/2023 18:29

No, I'm a parent who has had a routine in the home since my children were born 12 yrs ago. My ex-wife has her routine in her house. We all communicate regularly and never, ever impose or criticize.
Ex girlfriend on the other hand assumed command or attempted to under the pretence of making my children ship-shape and ready for battle (because she knew better) Er no.
The children are polite, excel at school, and can carry out relatively basic tasks pertaining to themselves. What neither family does is run a military-based operation.

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I’m glad you said you’ll never introduce a stepmum to your children again. It does sound like she would be miserable to be fair…

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 18:36

Nope. They need to agree on the circumstances and terms of the step child living with them, but the child has the unilateral right to choose to live with whichever parent they choose, barring safeguarding concerns, and the parents, including step-parents are responsible for and have a duty to make it happen.

Tell that to my DP, who would absolutely have to get my agreement before moving DSS into the home we share full time!

And that's not to say that the answer would likely be no, but fundamentally, yes, he 100% needs the agreement of the co-owner of his house. If he wanted full control without having to consult me, he should not have moved in with me.

And there are a lot of things a child does not have the unilateral right to decide. You don't get to definitively say that this is an exception to that. They are still children, as in many other things they would like to have full control over, generally their parents decide what is best for them.

Notimeforaname · 02/05/2023 18:40

All this talk of everyone working more or less or reducing hours or getting second jobs seems insane to me just because he doesn't like the set up of his bedroom at his mums. Utter madness.

Yes this is insane to me 🤣
If the childs parents insist the DC are taken to school but the father refuses, then the mother will have to do it.

Absolutely insane for OP to do more and move her life around just because the child wants a tv and the childs parents dont want to move their lives around😆

Confused5678 · 02/05/2023 18:42

Harrypewter · 02/05/2023 18:29

No, I'm a parent who has had a routine in the home since my children were born 12 yrs ago. My ex-wife has her routine in her house. We all communicate regularly and never, ever impose or criticize.
Ex girlfriend on the other hand assumed command or attempted to under the pretence of making my children ship-shape and ready for battle (because she knew better) Er no.
The children are polite, excel at school, and can carry out relatively basic tasks pertaining to themselves. What neither family does is run a military-based operation.

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The birth parents are always right and their kids can do no wrong 🙄. Being a step mum is the worst job in the world .

HadalyEve · 02/05/2023 18:48

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 18:36

Nope. They need to agree on the circumstances and terms of the step child living with them, but the child has the unilateral right to choose to live with whichever parent they choose, barring safeguarding concerns, and the parents, including step-parents are responsible for and have a duty to make it happen.

Tell that to my DP, who would absolutely have to get my agreement before moving DSS into the home we share full time!

And that's not to say that the answer would likely be no, but fundamentally, yes, he 100% needs the agreement of the co-owner of his house. If he wanted full control without having to consult me, he should not have moved in with me.

And there are a lot of things a child does not have the unilateral right to decide. You don't get to definitively say that this is an exception to that. They are still children, as in many other things they would like to have full control over, generally their parents decide what is best for them.

I get to say my opinion just like you. And by the way, if it went to court they’d be siding with the child at age 12 on where the child lives. You wouldn’t get to stand up and tell the justice that your permission as step mum is required. It’s not. You chose to be with a man who has children. You chose to be a step mum. Choosing that comes with a responsibility to the child. The child didn’t get a say in you moving in with his dad, so why should you get veto authority?

fryanddry · 02/05/2023 18:48

New option YHIBU (yourhusbandisbeingunreasonable)
I think that your husbands son has every right to choose to live with his dad if he wants to , however..
The actual issue here is, that your husband is not sharing the child care and household chores fairly,
so your husband is causing all of this stress with his poor leadership skills,
he is running off to work and burying his head in the sand
hoping that you will just do everything and not complain

Having a full time job does not mean that he gets to opt out of his parental responsibilities,
what else does he do apart from work ??
And also doesn't appear that he is making enough money to allow you to be a stay at home mother either ..
He is not the sole financial provider, so what else is he doing?

The remedy is that your stepson needs to start doing his own chores, making sure his room is tidy , learning how to do his own clothes ,
this is good for him and the whole family, hid dad needs to teach him how to be responsible

At 12 years old I think is old enough to get the bus to and from school? Depending on his maturity level ,
your husband will also need to set house rules, like tv and phones going off at bedtime,
your stepson needs to be part of the family and not a special guest

And what will end up happening is that you will end up laying down rules for your stepson and then you will become the evil stepmother for asking your stepson to clean his room and he will resent you,
your husband will also not have your back and he will be disney dadding to make the step son like him
Seen this behaviour many times, you don't want to be trapped in a situation like this , you are being scapegoated and your husband is being a shit dad

the bottom line is that your husband is asking too much of you ,
How would your husband cope if it was just him and his stepson ??
I bet he wouldnt even agree to have full custody if you weren't there

It all sounds very exhausting, with your husband treating you like free labour
If it were me I would throw the whole marriage away and let him crack on by himself, since he thinks its so easy

Your husband is never going to listen to you , he is just going to say "you dont like my son/youre being unreasonable"
Life is too short for this kind of nonsense
this is why I dont date men with kids because the truth is that most single dads are looking for a woman(chump) to be their new cleaner/babysitter/cook/servant because most of them dont want to look after their own children, they need a woman to do it
and they save alot of time and money just finding a "girlfriend" who will take the job , its really sad

Shelby2010 · 02/05/2023 18:49

The problem is that OP is doing more than her fair share of domestic drudgery already. The one less day she is at work she is caring for 2 pre-schoolers, so not exactly a rest day.

If the housework/childcare was equal between her & DH, then she probably wouldn’t even notice an increase due to DSC. Holidays would still have to be 50:50 with DSC’s mum, otherwise she will find she ends up with both DSC every day whilst trying to work.

Also presumably DSC mum will start paying child maintenance if care is no longer 50:50. It might not be much but enough to pay for a cleaner or out source the ironing.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2023 18:50

PonkyPonky · 02/05/2023 16:55

The 12 year old can strip his own bed…. My 5 year old does this!
The 12 year old can help make dinner…. My 5 year old does this!
Children of all ages can contribute to the household jobs. It shouldn’t be falling to OP or even just OP and her DH

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I don't disagree re kids helping, my point was simply that DH should be doing his share, not leaving it all to op, and that if he did, imo, then it's reasonable to tackle the chores as a partnership / family.

Harrypewter · 02/05/2023 18:51

Confused5678 · 02/05/2023 18:42

The birth parents are always right and their kids can do no wrong 🙄. Being a step mum is the worst job in the world .

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I agree, to be a step-parent can be a thankless task. It's not easy.
However, being flexible and non-combative and non-exasperating with excessively strict routines will make life easier for everyone.

In the op's case, we have a rule both kids must stop at the same time, not one or the other. However timescale are flexible. Our terms and conditions between the families is reductive.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/05/2023 18:57

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:59

I feel sorry for the kid, 3 adults and nobody wants to parent him.
Life changing decisions like extra siblings pilled into all available spaces, fine but a lift to school is a step too far ?

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Piled int every available space but he's got his own room? So, not then.

And as 12 he can walk, there's literally no reason assuming no SEN which op would have mentioned. My 7 yo walks that far with me morning and afternoon so physically there's no issue. He should know how to cross a road safely and the risk of him being kidnapped is lower than an rta. He'll be fine.

Dutch1e · 02/05/2023 18:57

What a cheeky fucker your husband is. At this point in the game of Taking The Piss I'd be tempted to ask the ex if I can move in and let him crack on with the actual hands-on parenting all 4 of his children alone for a bit. He doesn't seem to have a clue what's involved.