To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

Why not take a step back a d think about the ways you anticipate a 12 year old contributing at home? Beds washing,, dishwasher etc. And make sure your DCs do the same when they are older. Work around what you have.

She did. she said on the op that the kid shares a room at home mums so he wants to move to his dads to have his own room with a TV full time.

Sure the kid could be sharing with a separate child that's not ops hisbamds but she did mention another child. It's not weird it's just a post on mumsnet and the other child wants to stay put, so isn't a huge part of this story

I’d love to hear the step-sons reasons for wanting to live with his dad full time. I doubt he would say it’s because he can have a TV as the OP seems fixated on.

It’s as common for boys to want to live with their dad as they reach the teen years, as it is common for girls to want to live with their mum as they reach the teen years. It’s embarrassing enough being a teen without having to go to someone of the opposite sex on advice about puberty and adulthood.

I think your own bedroom which OP also mentioned is a likely factor but then it is well known that having a private space at this age is good not only for teen mental health but also for their academic achievement as they have a place to study for GCSEs and A levels.

OP says her house is better run, and I do believe her. Perhaps she is underestimating the negative impact of a chaotic house on children?

It seems like it would be the best thing for the step-son to live with his dad, and I can’t help but feel that the OPs ultimatum approach of “ok, but I’m not lifting a finger” is really a “not a chance in hell” reaction.

I think as he’s already there 50% of the time that the wrinkles could be worked out? She makes a good point that he should be able to walk to/from school. I think that is perfectly reasonable. As cleaning/laundry/washing up will increase, why not assign him a few household chores to do? 12 is a good age to take over washing dishes and learning to wash your own clothes for example.

Perhaps a discussion with OP taking the position of “how can we make this work for everyone” approach would not have them at loggerheads?

The problem is the way it is being handled. Your DP agreeing and assuming you'll take on the work and you throwing your toys out your pram instead of discussing a workable arrangment.

DSS should be taking himself to and from school and keeping his room tidy, including stripping the beds.
The extra washing will be minimal.
Cooking for 1 extra will be minimal.

There is a workable solution here. It just takes communication and a willingness. You don't seem willing to be honest.

I’m fairly surprised that most people seem to be ok with their 12 year old moving out because they don’t like the boundary of a reasonable house rule.

But I suppose it’ll be a reasonable test of decisions having consequences as long as the OP sticks to not picking up all the extra slack.

There is a workable solution here. It just takes communication and a willingness. You don't seem willing to be honest.

@Callyem by should she be willing given how it’s been handled? And why is your comment focussed on the OP and not on her DH who has tried to make a unilateral decision without discussing with OP first when she is the one who will be impacted by it? You seem to be requiring a much higher standard of behaviour from OP than from her DH.

@JenniferBooth honestly not sure what’s going on here! It feels rather like you’re having a conversation with yourself. Obv I’ve not been able to answer your questions, sorry.

Sit down with your DH. Draw up a list of conditions for this to go ahead. They can be equitable for DCs and DSCs.

Get all tv’s out of kids’ bedroom for starters.

And no lifts for secondary school children (unless hurricane season)!

Plus draw up a list of basic chores for older kids. It will benefit you and your own kids for such a system to be created, whether they’re old enough to participate yet or not.

Good luck!

I honestly don’t mind how it’s been handled. At 12 a child should get to decide which parent to live with and all adults should respect that barring any safeguarding issues. A child should not need his step mums permission to live with his dad. 🤷‍♀️

The discussion shouldn’t be about whether he can live with them, but how are we going to make it work for everyone involved.

Can’t his mother help with school runs, is he not old enough to get himself to school on the bus? Presumably he’d be spending holidays with her so holiday cover wouldn’t be an issue.

You are either a family or you aren’t. I dunno, there are hundreds of threads on here about why stepmothers can’t/won’t/don’t want their stepchildren more often/at all. It’s depressing.

Do we know the distances involved ? My kids FMH was 10 minutes walk up the road, i bought the house before they were born with that in mind.

Ex moved 45 minutes away by car, they would have had to get up at 5am to take themselves and indeed did, when he couldn't/wouldn't take them.

I lived 45 mins away as i could no longer afford housing in the area. so I drove them in.

DSC's should be considered yes, realise that's a lot to ask of many people. If it can't/won't be done by step parents, based on the evidence before us of the father it should be a firm no from the step mother.

The extra washing will be minimal.

This is said a lot but I just wanted to point out that it really depends on the child. Yes it would be, if they put it in the basket themselves and emptied their pockets etc. But my DSS literally just drops his clothes where he was stood when he took them off, no matter how many times I ask him not to. Same with towels. If I didn't deal with it, nobody would. My DP is oblivious to it too. And when the washing comes back out, inevitably it's covered in tiny bits of tissue he left in the pockets.

I find this annoying EOW but it would be a real drain full time.

A child should not need his step mums permission to live with his dad.

Should the step mum be obliged to personally infantise him while the dad is out though?

Not at all, the way her partner has tried to push it through was the first thing I mentioned as an example of the mishandling.

It's quite telling that your DH would never consider reducing his hours or changing anything about how he does things.

So, each of your DSC have their own rooms in your house? Do your own DC also have their own rooms? Your DC are not in school yet?

I'm just trying to get this all straight.

But she’s part time due to having pre schoolers. Why should she just “ramp it up” and throw the current arrangement out of the window if it’s working for her and her DCs? And yes it works for DH too because there isn’t as much to pay for nursery fees, which also benefits DSS too as more money in the family pot.

So why on earth would she go full time to avoid her DH’s insistence about DSS? She can just use that very useful word called “NO”.

Just take the TV out of his bedroom….😉

This is largely about your DH not pulling his weight with any of the children. He needs to resolve this and also show how he's going to manage the extra responsibility of his eldest being with you full time. It's not for you to be on the back foot saying you won't do x, y, z and looking like a meanie. Equally, don't blame your stepson for any of this.

Why on earth are you doing school riluns for a 12 year old thats within walking distance from school anyway? Knock that on the head for a start. This is a common problem OP, man meets women who, for whatever reason, takes on the majority of child related stuff. For his kids. Man sits back and lives his best life. Then woman has her own kids and her priorities change yet man won't take back any responsibility for his kids. Its a tale as old as time. I would 100% have no issue with dss moving in but I would be telling my OH that he needs to step up and I won't be facilitating it. Especially the school run.

Surely DSC are old enough to walk to school and amuse themselves in the school holidays.

Does your DH take annual leave to cover school holidays for your joint children @Fizzy196

Oh god, the First Wives Club are here I see. Ofc you aren't being unreasonable. Your DSS has 2 perfectly good parents, why should it all fall on you? Some of these replies are mental. If your DH wants to increase the time his son is at your house, then he needs to be the one to facilitate it.

Because she has already said, multiple, multiple times that she only works ONE day less than DH and earns almost as much as he does. She has ALSO said, multiple, multiple times, that DH would not do that.
Then there is the obvious that since she works 4 days and he works 5 that ALL household duties should be split 60-40. I am betting DH will never go for that either.
I know you think she should bow and scrape to his every demand but unlike what you think, there ARE people out there who have some dignity and not a servant for their DHs.

It's a shame that reading comprehension is such a stretch for a few CF MNers. I guess it takes all kinds.