To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

You have a teenage boy about to move in. Your husbands DS. Not much you can do...

Enjoy.

Whilst I agree with PPs that it's wrong to veto him staying, the increase in time and work naturally calls for you to both look at the balance of work load.
You work 1 day less, and do childcare on that day, it's not like you're a SAHP with kids in school so the "I'm so important at work" thing doesn't matter.

At 12 he can walk to and fro school, have a key and let himself in, get a snack and wait for an adult to come home. So that's what he needs to do.

There's no reason you and DH can't alternate stripping beds and doing ALL of them.

There's no reason DH Isn't putting in loads of washing for all of you, as well as you.
There's no reason DH can't cook some nights and do his share of the chores.

So no you shouldn't stop him moving in, yes of course you have a right to say you're unable to do more work on those extra days if DH isn't parenting his own kid.

Can't believe some of these responses. Why the hell should both of the child's parents get to essentially check out whilst OP picks up the slack? Good for you for not letting them take advantage OP and FYI I agree that most people do not love their stepchild in the same way they live their own children.

Agree with this. Are you saying you wont be taking your other children to school? No. So you’re singling out the step son stating that. YABU and worse than that, not a very nice step mum. You should treat all your children the same: biological and ‘step’.

There's no reason you and DH can't alternate stripping beds and doing ALL of them

A 12 year old is perfectly capable of stripping and remaking their own bed, no reason for DH and especially the OP to do it at all.

The 12 year old can strip his own bed…. My 5 year old does this!
The 12 year old can help make dinner…. My 5 year old does this!
Children of all ages can contribute to the household jobs. It shouldn’t be falling to OP or even just OP and her DH

I’m sad for this child because his parents are reaching him zero resilience by making huge life changes to facilitate his every wish. Sounds very babied and spoilt indeed.

As pp have said, the problem isn't your DSS and whether or not he lives with you. The problem is that you're married to a Disney Dad incapable of saying no and who doesn't value your contribution to the household but views you as a resource at his disposal rather than a person. No one who values another person would volunteer their labour without asking them and checking with them that what is proposed is acceptable. But he's prepared to throw you under the bus rather than be the meany saying no.

The OP clearly states that she does the school run for the SS 90% of the time and is expected to do more because neither of the boy's parents don't want to... but it's the SM who is "not very nice". Righto.

Her other children are not school age so there is no school run. And by the time they are secondary school age she probably won’t be taking them to a school that is a 20min walk away with no other school drop off because that is unnecessary and they should be doing it by themselves unless there are other reasons for them not to be.

I don’t think this particular decision is about DSC vs DC. The vast majority of children (although possibly not on MN) make their way to secondary school on their own. It’s weirder not to but the parents get to make that decision because they aren’t the ones doing the leg work. It’s not like all the children are similar ages but OP gives hers a lift but leaves DC out.

I think I’d probably stop doing the school run from next year anyway OP. If the parents don’t think they are mature enough for it they’ll need to sort something out themselves. Quite reasonable to say they are too old at this point and not do it.

I feel sorry for the kid, 3 adults and nobody wants to parent him.
Life changing decisions like extra siblings pilled into all available spaces, fine but a lift to school is a step too far ?

Of course the dear stepson is going to prefer a home with his personal TV, but the important thing in this instance is not what he prefers - it's what is good for him and for everyone else in this blended family. I was a truly horrible mum. Our children were not allowed a TV in their rooms until their 16th birthday...and then they had to buy it themselves. We had the usual moans of "but everyone else has one" with the usual good humoured rebuttals. Parents are the adults in families....😏They'll have to work it out in a sensible way by discussing what's best for the child and singing from the same hymn sheet.

Pretty much sums it up.

Life changing decisions like extra siblings pilled into all available spaces, fine but a lift to school is a step too far ?

Heaven forbid people have their own children rather than focusing on providing services for other people's.

What do you mean "not much you can do"? Can you clarify this please?

He is old enough to take responsibility for his own bedroom and bed making and laundry. He is also old enough to get himself to and from school and if for some reason he cannot then his parents need to make the necessary arrangements to do so. If he is coming more then his parents need to facilitate that. Will you be given his child benefit etc towards your increased costs? Or is mummy dearest palming the kid off and keeping the money?

Are you suggesting that every secondary school child that walks to school is not parented?

your OH needs to step up!

Noooo, children whose parents are still together are lucky to have two parents who live together, so they can walk.

DSC’s must be ferried back and forward as they’ve had so much change in their lives, therefore they can’t use their legs.

Oh forgot that. May need to raise a complaint with my mum and stepdad about that though.

Agree with this. Are you saying you wont be taking your other children to school? No. So you’re singling out the step son stating that. YABU and worse than that, not a very nice step mum. You should treat all your children the same: biological and ‘step’.

FFS this thread is so frustrating. How can the OP treat the DSC the same as her own when she's not allowed to make decisions. If the DSC was her own, he'd be walking to school by himself...both parents won't have this so it's now being left for OP to facilitate the school run while BOTH parents just don't bother. How on earth can you defend that?

And by the way, I don't treat my DSC the 'same' as my own...because they're not my children. Their 2 parents make the decisions and do the parenting. Why would I try and parent other peoples children? That's just weird and I'm sure DSCs mother would have something to say about it.

We'll, he might not like how yours is run either if he has to get himself to school! And contribute more to running it. Problem solved.

People are using the OP working part time like a gotcha, she only works one day less and that makes them as a household better off financially because of childcare costs.

OP would you take your own children to school at that age? because I wouldn't, my ten year old walks home from school a mile away and will use the bus from secondary onwards, like fuck would I ferry someone elses twelve year old around in the name of parenting, parenting is dry running the bus route a couple of times so you know they are confident that they wont miss their stop.

Your DP has won a popularity game for shallow reasons, even if he wasn't deliberately playing one. He will be aware that if that boy isn't kept suitably sweet and in the level of comfort he desires then he will be back to his Mums slagging off your home.

I think you are right and the only adult in the room right now.

To be those are two different things. Saying cannot move in would not, in my book, be ok. Saying you are not doing everything if he does is of course ok.

I would not agree either, both kids are too young to quit living primarily with their Mum.
They will then have their own rooms, one will have TV, the other wont.
This is dividing the two brothers.
You did not sign up for bringing up another child whilst the real parents sit back & make the rules.
I would also not be taking them to school
I would remove the TV.
I would not be a nanny to SC throughout the holidays
You are not their unpaid servant