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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not support stepchild moving in?

832 replies

Fizzy196 · 02/05/2023 12:28

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

OP posts:
ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 02/05/2023 16:00

MelchiorsMistress · 02/05/2023 12:31

Are you part of a family or not? You don’t get to decide that one of the children of the family can’t live with you if that’s his home and his dads home too.

Sorry but no, even if the mother had died dad still would have to adapt so he could support his son. The fact that the OP is a woman doesn’t meant that she has to do all the work for him.

I have done the same, it didn’t take as me much time for to realise I was becoming the unpaid nanny, cooked and servant of his kids without not even a word of thanks from them. I have also my own child and also work and pay for my expenses and those if my child so I stood my ground, not for selfishness but because J knew that if I sacrificed my job to take care of his children I would end up getting resentful and, ultimately unable to leave him and support my own child if I had no income when the things didn’t work out. There was no way the relationship could survive me being the skivvy 24/7.

Maxiedog123 · 02/05/2023 16:03

I can just imagine this post written from his mother's point of view...
" My 12 year old spends 50:50 time with me and exh. At my house he has to share a bedroom with his 13 year old brother, and I expect him to do chores. He is upset that I won't get him a TV for his bedroom and is threatening to move to his Dad's fulltime because Dad let's him do whatever he likes, he has his own room as Dad has more money and his Dad doesn't get him to do anything around the house as stepmum does it all"
Everyone would be criticising the Dad for his awful parenting and few suggesting that the spn moving to Dad's fulltime a good idea....

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:04

These threads are so upsetting. My ex persuaded our kids to live with him in their teens to reduce child support. The wife obviously didn't support it, told him his kids he'd have to deal with them and obviously he just didn't.
So my children were neglected and put in actual danger living in a house where it was clear they weren't a priority.
If you aren't going to do the job properly and parent them like your own, do not allow the kid to move in.

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 16:06

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:04

These threads are so upsetting. My ex persuaded our kids to live with him in their teens to reduce child support. The wife obviously didn't support it, told him his kids he'd have to deal with them and obviously he just didn't.
So my children were neglected and put in actual danger living in a house where it was clear they weren't a priority.
If you aren't going to do the job properly and parent them like your own, do not allow the kid to move in.

She's not the one who didn't do her job properly, he is.

Chartreuse45 · 02/05/2023 16:06

If I were his mother I would be quite upset that he had a TV in his room when he's with his father. So could you ask her to back you up with that? Is there any way all 4 of you could sit down together and discuss it? An 11 year old should have enough maturity to understand that work would shift from his mother to you, not actually his parent and that his father is not in a position to help more. I suspect you couldn't suggest he takes on some responsibility around the house but he's really not too young to be able to say, hang out clothes or fold them or put the dry, folded clothes on the bed. I don't mean the above to come across as facetious or unhelpful, maybe I just don't understand what the reality of a blended family is but I do think you owe it to yourself to face them with the reality of how your life will change and your duties be unilaterally increased.

BananaBlue · 02/05/2023 16:07

Does mum drive him to school?
without it being on the way to work or something?

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:09

aSofaNearYou · 02/05/2023 16:06

She's not the one who didn't do her job properly, he is.

Show quote history

Yes that was my point, we know the DH isn't going to step up, so don't allow it.

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:11

Incidentally she benefited from him having more disposable income with the lack of child support though didn't she. Winning all round.

Except if you're the kid.

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 16:13

PinkyU · 02/05/2023 12:39

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

You’re being petty and putting up barriers to a child having a closer relationship to his father, siblings and you.

Show quote history

This is absolute nonsense. I have 2 DSC and I am in no way a parent to them. They have a mother and a father. I get on great with them, enjoy spending time with them but I don't 'parent' them, DH parents them when they're here, possibly with some quite advice from me if he asks.

We've been in each others lives for over 10 years now, it all ticks along nicely, they're lovely well-mannered teenagers now. They have a step-dad at home who 'parents' them...let me tell you, it's not working out well at all. Mum is turning a blind eye to it all, even her own parents don't speak to step-dad.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/05/2023 16:16

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 16:13

This is absolute nonsense. I have 2 DSC and I am in no way a parent to them. They have a mother and a father. I get on great with them, enjoy spending time with them but I don't 'parent' them, DH parents them when they're here, possibly with some quite advice from me if he asks.

We've been in each others lives for over 10 years now, it all ticks along nicely, they're lovely well-mannered teenagers now. They have a step-dad at home who 'parents' them...let me tell you, it's not working out well at all. Mum is turning a blind eye to it all, even her own parents don't speak to step-dad.

Show quote history

Exactly !

I really don’t get why if a child has two parents they need to be patented by someone else too?! It’s not needed and it’s not their place!

can anyone explain?! Genuinely curious!

camping2023 · 02/05/2023 16:17

@PinkyU

Not true

LBFseBrom · 02/05/2023 16:17

You need to impress upon your husband that he has to step up with the child care and chores. If he is prepared to do that, and you appear to like the boy, give it a whirl.

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 16:20

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/05/2023 13:29

YANBU to not want to do everything for the DSS, but YABU for saying that he can't live with you full time if that's what he wants to do. You shouldn't have got into a relationship with someone who had a child if you didn't want to accept the responsibility that goes along with that.

Your DH needs to step up and do stuff for his son, but you might need to become the main breadwinner and work full time in order to facilitate this. You can't carry on being the parent with more time at home if you're only willing to give that time to some of the household children.

You didn't even mention the child's own mother. 😮

HereForTheFreeLunch · 02/05/2023 16:21

TommyJoesMummy · 02/05/2023 14:59

Sorry if this has been said already as I’m just keeping up with the OP’s posts.
No TV in their bedroom at yours? Show solidarity with his mum’s house rules? 😂

Exactly! Before everyone drops theirs hours or re-trains for a different career... just taking the frigging TV away.

Iamdobby63 · 02/05/2023 16:23

I think what would annoy me the most is the fact that you don’t seem to be consulted when making these decisions. You are, without a doubt, the person this affects the most.

So current set up is 50/50 with 2 DSC, who share a room at mums but not at yours? So no maintenance involved? If one DSC moves in will Mum be paying maintenance?

At the very least we’re this to happen then his Mum can pick him up and take to and from school as she’s going there anyway.

I don’t envy you, been there done that.

I completely agree that no 12yr old should be picking and choosing between their parents, especially not over a tv.

ScribblingPixie · 02/05/2023 16:24

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be angry that decisions have been made without you being involved when a lot of the work will be landing on your lap, OP. If you're going to involved in childcare then you need to be involved in the decision-making.

DoBestIKnow · 02/05/2023 16:25

When I acquired step daughters, I discovered that the older ones had taught the 13 year old to do her own laundry so when my DS became 13, he asked, "isn't it time I did my own laundry?" Yay!

Xenia · 02/05/2023 16:26

One reason never to date a man with a child. Require the husband and the child's mother to split the cost of a child minder who will do all the school runs for starters as your children are under 5. or go full time at work and leave your husband to arrive full time child care for all his children from both women.

LuckyPeonies · 02/05/2023 16:26

FFS, the boy has 2 capable parents who, it sounds like, already split custody. There is no reason for OP to take on full-time care for a teenager who only wants to move in full-time for his own room and TV. OP, you are NOT being unreasonable, stick to your guns.

Olive19741205 · 02/05/2023 16:27

ItsCalledAConversation · 02/05/2023 14:20

Fine, perhaps I am absolutely ignorant and well willing to own up to that. I just find it so sad in families where biological and step kids are treated differently within the same home, and where the kids are going to grow up with all sorts of resentments and issues as a result.

Show quote history

OP isn't allowed to treat the DSC as her own. She has said he should be making his own way to school but both parents have disagreed with her. So how can she treat him as her own when she can't make decisions as she would for her own children?

Katherine1985 · 02/05/2023 16:27

Maxiedog123 · 02/05/2023 15:51

Your Stepson already spends half the time at you and His father's house. He is 12 and doesn't like the setup at his mother's, eg sharing room with his 14 year old brother and no tv in bedroom. Which sounds like a perfectly normal setup.
Your husband should not be undermining your stepsons mother in this way : not good co parenting

This.

Unlike most blended family dilemmas this one really does distil down to the TV and an attitude that this child’s father is facilitating.

I’d remove the TV from any child’s bedroom in both houses and streamline the chores so that both DSC do age appropriate chores in both houses.

Maybe then look at school runs.

Only after some months would I consider this move which would be disruptive to logistics and relationship dynamics all round, right on the cusp of adolescence

literalviolence · 02/05/2023 16:30

The issue is less about ss spending more time there and more about your dh leaving everything to you.

Ktime · 02/05/2023 16:34

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:09

Yes that was my point, we know the DH isn't going to step up, so don't allow it.

Show quote history

It's not her job though. It's you and your ex who failed in your jobs, not his partner.

Rumplestrumpet · 02/05/2023 16:39

Some people are nuts. OP doesn't need to work more, change her whole life and spend less time with her own children to accommodate her DSC.

If the child's father wants OP to take on more parental responsibility then she needs a say in how that child is parented. She can't take on the lions share of parenting with no say on anything! That's ridiculous.

OP as someone who had a pretty nasty step mum, I'm on your side here. If you're involved in putting kids to bed you get a say on bedtimes. If you're cooking dinner you get a say on what people eat. And if you're helping get kids out the door in the morning you get a say in how they get to school.

You need to set it out in these terms with DH - his biological mum, with whom he'll spend barely any time, can't have more say on how he's parented than YOU who are actually DOING the parenting.

3BSHKATS · 02/05/2023 16:41

Ktime · 02/05/2023 16:34

It's not her job though. It's you and your ex who failed in your jobs, not his partner.

Show quote history

My ex's partner wanted the financial benefit of the children living with her but not the practicalities. That's shitty behaviour. This one knows the partner isn't going to parent the kids and knows she doesn't want to either, she's allowing failure if she facilitates it.

And I didn't fail at anything thank you very much.