To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

YANBU - if his dad wants him to move in then he would have to alter his working hours (is flexible working an option?) and consider taking away the TV AND give him more chores and responsibility for himself around the house. Otherwise you are going to explode with resentment OP.

If your husband isn't prepared to do this, then...he's a. Well to put it politely he is very short-sighted. He's doing his son, his marriage and you no favours in this situation. Or indeed his other children.

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

If OP is a third parent, she's allowed to remove the TV from his bedroom in her house. Problem solved. Or, frankly, leave it in there and tell this 12 year old that adults get to make decisions in her family, not children, and that preferences will only ever be taken into account.

Just to say, from the start I've been a bit puzzled at this argument around the TV as any secondary school kid with a laptop effectively has a TV in their bedroom iyswim.

OP is not a parent. A parent has decision making responsibilities in partnership with the other parent. OP has no input into any decision at all.

Yes, especially as OP has said she does 4 days a week and when nursery is factored in, her 5th day would make barely any difference.

It's not the 0.8 job that allows OP to do most of the school runs, it's her more flexible job. Which her DH isn't facilitating.

I remember reading a really heartbreaking post on here from a mother who was gradually loosing her teenage children to her ex-H because he and his second wife both had very high earning jobs, a much nicer house and the kids got lots of 'stuff'. The mother, through no fault of her own, simply could not compete and provide them with the same lifestyle and so they wanted to live with their dad.

Kids need to be taught that the quality of relationships is not just about money, stuff, TVs in bedrooms etc. OP's DH needs to encourage his son to appreciate this. I feel sorry for the ex-wife in this scenario and think that contact should remain at 50/50 unless there is a genuine reason to change it.

How far away do they live OP, if both parents say he NEEDS to be driven to school then surely mum swings by and get him as she's doing school drop off for the other child anyway? Or he simply walks like most other children.

This!

Why on earth does it have to be all or nothing? I do tend to spoil my teenage children sometimes but there is no way they'd be getting lifts to school for a 20 minute walk (it's like a 5-6 minute cycle, if the roads are not too dangerous).

Learning to do chores is good for them, you'd be doing him a favour in the long run by expecting him to be involved in running the house.

And of course you can't compare what you do for him to what you do for your own kids who are pre-schoolers! That would pretty much be the deal even if they were full siblings, wouldn't it?

The OP works 4 days a week and already does all of the childcare for the SC when they are there. I would say she is doing more than her fair share.

But, that's not usually the case.
Here is how WAY too many step moms get treated.

SC--did you make my lunch? Did you wash my clothes? Can you take me here, there and everywhere? Can I have money for after school treat?
BD--I am sure your "Mom" will love to do that for you.
SM--yes, yes, sure, yes.
SC--You are so mean! You love Billy more than me.
SC then proceeds to smack Billy. Billy cries.
SM--You do NOT hit your brother. Now you do NOT get money for an afterschool treat.
SC--Dddddaaaaaadddddyyyyy!!!! cries
BD/NSDH--Don't be punishing MY child! (Hands SC $5 for afterschool treat) and tells SM, "SC needs a ride to * after school and has to be there by four. I won't be home until five-thirty, so you'll have to take him."
BM of SCtexts BD/NSDHSM is not SC's mom. He doesn't have to do what she says or listen to her. I am his Mom and he only has to listen to me.
BD/NSDH--I'll talk to her and remind her of her "place".

Rinse and repeat over and over and over again. Disney Daddy and Evil Step Mom.

The bigger problem here is why his father's rules are so lenient that he wants to be there full time. Why is he allowed a TV in his room by your DH? Are you going to allow your own children to have TVs?

I think allowing him moving in with his father in order to thwart his mother's rules is a huge mistake. I have personally seen the consequences of this and they can be disastrous.

Additionally, this completely ignores the facilitation that OP provides for DH.

This is a man with an inflexible job and three children, two of whom are under 5. Even if he weren't expecting OP to do school runs and holiday care for his 12 year old, his job would still mean he wasn't doing anything close to a proportionate share of the child related stuff. Bear in mind too that OP works 0.8 and the childcare means there's not much difference between her doing 4 days a 5. It's far from clear that OP is the one being supported here.

This thread highlights EXACTLY why I won't get into a relationship with someone with children. OP YANBU. I agree with pp about DSS mother and that your DH shouldn't facilitate this behaviour just because he has a TV in the bedroom, that's ridiculous.

Put your foot down OP, you are not an unpaid skivvy.

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat I agree. I would give any man with kids a large swerve. The dynamic is usually too fucked up.

I'm a little surprised that his mother is content with this? And all over a TV? Your DH should be strongly suggesting leaving the arrangement as it is, if it's just to facilitate him circumventing his mother's rule!

He should also realise it's not do-able anyway because the brunt of it is going to fall on you! He's a father of four - he shouldn't not expect to abnegate responsibility for any of them!

He is a child of the family. Grow up.

I wouldn’t want to do it either OP. His parents aren’t being fair.

But as a child who was in the middle of this sort of thing, I would know how you felt and find it horrible.

This is why I would’ve never got together with someone who had kids.

Well, that's fair enough, but if you are opting to be the parent with more time at home, then I think that should apply equally to supporting all of the household children. That doesn't mean that you should take a 12yo to school if they are perfectly capable of getting themselves to school. It doesn't mean that you have to do everything for them either...12yos are capable of doing lots of stuff for themselves. However, if you have the kind of household set-up where one person works/earns more to support the family while the other works/earns less so that they have more time to spend with the kids etc, then I think that should reasonably extend to step kids too.

I spoke about this in a subsequent comment, should have put them together.

But honestly, why? When two people have children together and the decision is made for one of them to stay at home while the other works, it's because they both need the children looked after, and they both need their bills paid. It's mutually necessary and beneficial. That social contract is already complete.

The DSC is not a shared responsibility. There is no mutual need or benefit. They are an additional responsibility that one part of the partnership has, not a shared responsibility. Yes, that makes it hard and often unviable for that parent to have more children in the first place. But that's a choice they make

He is a child with two parents. You grow up.

Buy a tv for his bedroom at his DM

So you work a 4 day week, and do 90% of parenting including 50/50 for HIS children and now one of HIS children wants to move in fulltime?

They saw you coming thats for sure🙄

Talk about being used as the skivvy aupair.

Exactly why are you putting up with being used by the waster you married and now his ex?

She will have 1 child 50% of the week and you have 3 children nearly fulltime and 1 child 50%?

You couldn't make this up.

I'd be doing the math of going it alone.

Start looking at the CM calculator and ditch that selfish waster who thinks you are his skivvy aupair.

Your Stepson already spends half the time at you and His father's house. He is 12 and doesn't like the setup at his mother's, eg sharing room with his 14 year old brother and no tv in bedroom. Which sounds like a perfectly normal setup.
Your husband should not be undermining your stepsons mother in this way : not good co parenting

The OP works 4 days a week but according to some on here is supposed to somehow do everything needed at home within her 1 day left and be grateful for the opportunity.

“hE’s YoUr ChiLd tOo”

Except he’s neither your child nor your responsibility. You have every right and the ability to refuse to facilitate this, because you know full well the work would fall on your shoulders.

What if it's the DM who has decided that there should be no t.v in the bedroom? What next pay for an extension so the SDC gets his own rooms at the DM's? Which is another reason OP has said the SDC doesn't want to live at his DM's.