To not support stepchild moving in?

[Fizzy196]

DSS is 12 and has decided he wants to spend more time with us rather than at his mums. DH and his ex seem to have agreed between themselves that as he's getting older he can do as he pleases.

The reason for this, we all know, is because he gets away with a lot more here and has a better set up in his room than at his mums (shares there and no TV in the room whereas he doesn't here and has TV in there which DH lets him use far too much imo but that's not my business).

Me and DH have basically come to a big of loggerheads about this as I work part time and as a result have fallen into the trap of basically doing everything for all the children at home (mine and DHs and DSC). I cook, clean, wash clothes, even take him to school 90% of the time. This is something that winds me up and we have argued about before and I have started to resent having DSC as time as gone on as I feel like a lot is placed on me. He already lives here 50% of the time and I think this is enough especially as there are no serious reasons why he cannot continue to stay at his mums for the other half of the week.

I know full well if he moves in it will just mean even more work for me and I'm basically saying it's not happening. My children are below school age at the moment and I already do more school runs than I'd like to (and have for years), don't ask why he can't make his own way to school yet this is another issue! SS is waited on hand and foot when here and I'm a bit sick of it already, never mind it being even more constant.

I've told DH if he moves in, everything will be up to him. School runs, taking to and from mates, hobbies, school holidays, clothes washing, bed stripping etc..

He thinks I'm unreasonable as I work part time and should support his son moving in (by doing more than his own parents will be!). I've said no.

DH can't, with his work, do what it is he wants me to do i.e. school runs, holiday cover, general running about, so basically SS can't come more often.

Child support should be stopped altogether as both parents would be paying each other I would have thought.

Op says he gets away with more at his dad's house.

A lot of people have missed the point that if this went to court, dss would be allowed to make this move because he's 12 and considered old enough to make his choice so even if mum wanted 50/50 to stay, the judge would side with dss.

It is ridiculous how spoiled dss is. Once he's walking to school and "getting away with less" then he might decide to return to 50/50.

The problem is that a stricter routine is going to need OP's h to step up. OP shouldn't be put in the bad cop position for perfectly reasonable expectations like walking to and from school for 20 bloody minutes.

I think I'd rather split with someone that be essentially forced to parent their child more than either of the child's actual parents do. That would be a hill worth dying on, imo.

OP, you already do more than enough, under the circumstances. YANBU to not want to take on even more responsibility for no good reason.

I think the secondary issue, on top of your husband expecting you to parent his children more than he does, is that he expects you to parent them per his choices/preferences/demands. So you have the vast majority of the burden of care and next to none of the decision making power/ability/autonomy. It's like he thinks you're his employee.

It's really off that your husband expects you to take his children to secondary school when you don't plan to do that with your own at that age, for example. If you're the one doing the caring then you should get to decide how to do it. Ergo they can walk to school (or your husband can alter HIS life to be able to take them).

Why would I want to spend less time with my own children when DSC has a perfectly normal, safe and good set up with his mum.

It's irrelevant anyway because DH never would say that.

Sorry if this has been said already as I’m just keeping up with the OP’s posts.
No TV in their bedroom at yours? Show solidarity with his mum’s house rules? 😂

I'd have to say 'ok but then DSC live here under our rules, that will apply to both them and our own children.

So no TV's in bedrooms - walk to school when you're old enough to do so/get public transport/ride a bike - do your own household jobs.

I think this is a sensible thing to do whether DSC live there the majority of the time or not, presumably soon your smaller children are going to start to notice a difference in rules, or you'll have to treat them as DSC are treated... which I can't imagine you want!

You may well find that once the TV isn't in the bedroom, theres no more being waited on and ferried about, the novelty wears right off - or, child becomes less of a strain on you to live with of course!

Sounds like dad isn't properly looking after any of his kids, this is unlikely to happen.

I also suspect that in reality if OP went FT she would still be doing all house/child work.

I wonder if that bull caused the split with ex? I imagine the Disney sad behaviour had affected her relationship with her son already.

In short - DH is the issue here. In relation to all of his children/wife at that.

Good point about being expected to parent the way DH wants, rather than as you see fit. You're treated like an employee, as far as SS goes, with limited in-put as far as parenting decisions, and yet (on MN, at least) you're supposed to love SS in the exact same way as you love your own children. It's a no-win situation.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings

If he has 3 parents that means the childcare should be split 3 ways.
If op is currently doing 50% of the childcare for stepson she is actually already doing more than her fair share.
So you are in the wrong.

God almighty I wish people would actually read the post. She is not washing her hands of him - he stays 50% of the time and she does all the work that that involves for her DSS - what she is saying is she doesn't want to do 100% of the work because his own mother should be looking after him 50% of the time and especially as she has had no say in this decision or in any of his parenting and I think that is perfectly reasonable! Most of the comments on here probably are not from parents in blended families - it's not easy and not perfect!

good answer to a bizarre suggestion OP

@Spiderboy

Why can't his Mum come and collect him and take him to school?

@PinkyU

Sorry this one was aimed at a different person. @YetMoreNewBeginnings

I feel a lot of sympathy for you OP. It seems you have all the work and zero decision making.

Your DH is trying to co-opt you into his guilt/over-compensation for his son's 'broken home' and/or the difference between him and his ex-wife's parenting styles.

Stay out of it. You have your life, your children, and you do more than your share for your step-children on the 50-50 time you have with them.

Why is your DSS's mum allowing this discussion anyway? Does she want less than 50% with this child? Your DH should be a unified parenting front with his children's mothers, not trying to use one to undermine the other.

Everything about this is messed up, apart from your boundaries. Normally I'm of the "ach, it's fine, just give in, their parents are divorced and it sucks being that kid" but this is clear cut to me.

The stepson’s parents seem to be treating the op as an unpaid nanny/domestic servant.
The op should cut back her ‘services’ to 30%, just to keep it all fair of course. Any new arrangements can be worked from the premise of keeping it equal.
Ss parents are taking the P.

Or treating her like a step parent.

It's only on MN that step parents aren't supposed to care about and for their stepchildren. In the real world people in normal families don't make such a distinction between the children, and they don't say "not my kid not my problem".

I’d probably say yes, but agree a redistribution of duties. If it’s school runs and general cleaning that’s the issue, I’d say we will hire a cleaner and his mum has to do the school runs if DSS cannot make his own way to school/back (he should be able to though) - the same for any taxi-ing to mates houses/back. I’d be super honest and say it’s extra work and responsibility that you are concerned by, not the concept of DSS living with you. So tricky!

I dont understand why you are EVER driving a 12 year old to school when it is a 20 minute walk - I would not be doing this, and I would be saying so quite emphatically.

Well let’s apply that logic to the actual parents shall we? They shouldn’t have had kids if they wanted to palm off the care of them onto an unpaid third party.

You’re getting a lot of unfair heat here OP. People who aren’t a step mum can’t possibly understand. Divorced parent guilt can make people completely lax with any rules, boundaries and even some basic parenting because they don’t want to be the non-fun parent. So they end up having completely different rules for their children who live there part time and their children who always live with them. This also stems from not wanting the first children to feel like the new children are more important. But what usually ends up happening is the younger children grow up realising that they are treated different as they aren’t allowed to stay up until 1am playing video games, they do have screen time limits and have to help with chores while their half siblings don’t. It leads to friction and in your case the step parent taking on the extra household load. I’m in that situation exactly and I dread that my DSC might one day say they want to live here. It’s hard enough trying to hide from my son that his siblings are treated differently and don’t have to pitch in. It’s also hard enough as it is doing everything in the home when there are 2 members of the family that don’t contribute to chores etc. I don’t think you’re in the wrong at all to put your foot down here. You can’t make the rules for your SC but you have to live with the rules that their parents decide without your input, it’s hard.

Well, that's fair enough, but if you are opting to be the parent with more time at home, then I think that should apply equally to supporting all of the household children. That doesn't mean that you should take a 12yo to school if they are perfectly capable of getting themselves to school. It doesn't mean that you have to do everything for them either...12yos are capable of doing lots of stuff for themselves. However, if you have the kind of household set-up where one person works/earns more to support the family while the other works/earns less so that they have more time to spend with the kids etc, then I think that should reasonably extend to step kids too.

No, he has 3 parents, you included. You took on that role when you engaged in a serious and committed relationship with a man who had children previously.

If I'd ever come out with that claptrap to my DP's kids in the past they'd probably have wanted me to be sectioned. (They're adults now. We're all friends.)

So many of you are talking as though staying home with the kids is an amazing option that her DH facilitates. OP has two young children under five. It is hard work looking after children at home.