We’ve lost sight of what is a healthy weight

[SpringPop]

Was chatting to my husband yesterday about getting to a healthy weight.

I am 5ft3 and at start of year I was weighing 80kg (12st 8)

I have hired a PT, workout 3 x weeklyand started eating healthy and now weigh around 72kg (11st 4). I’m not restricting food types or on any fad diet. I’m literally eating a balanced diet and the correct amount to lose up to 1lb a week.

I’ve done a decent start but still want to get to below 10stone where I would be a healthy weight for my height according to BMI.

I literally look like a ball in photos I took at the weekend. So fat.

He thinks I look great and lovely. Which is very kind. I literally don’t get how done people can’t see that I look fat. He’s not just being kind.

we got chatting and I Said to him that people we watch on tv that we think are “normal” (not underweight) and are similar height to me probably weigh between 8-9 stone therefore how could he not see I was overweight and not looking great.

AIBU to think no wonder we are quite an overweight nation. We equate 8stone/9stone as “skinny” but actually isn’t that healthy for someone who is just over 5ft? There should not be any shame in trying to reach a healthy weight. I kinda feel like we have lost sight of what is a healthy weight.

at 11stone/12stone, I’m not my healthiest, I’m not my fittest, I don’t look good. I’m opening myself up to more health conditions. Clothes make me look like a beach ball. I’m quite large chested and instead of making me look sexy/attractive, I just look ridiculous and almost ball shaped.

Given that 2/3 of the population is overweight or obese, yes, we are more used to seeing fatter bodies.

However the language you've used is pretty extreme - going on about being like a ball in photos etc. Granted that's how you feel about your body but it's not a particularly healthy mindset to have.

There is undoubtedly a link between being obese and poor health outcomes but it is possible to be healthy, have mostly good habits and carry a little extra weight.
I'm a bit fat and trying to get to a healthier weight but I'm focusing on healthier habits and a more positive outlook rather than shaming language over what my body looks like 🤷.

@bellac11 he won’t say I’m overweight.

he thinks if we saw people from tv in real life we would say they were too thin.

I disagree with him and if I saw Jlo (someone who we agree looks gorgeous and deffo has curves) in real life I would imagine stood next to her I would honestly look very overweight.

I bet Jlo is in healthy BMI range.

I dont think it indicates low self esteem either to say someone/you look like a ball, some people do look very squat and round, like a ball.

I disagree.

They are about people close to death, because they are so extremely overweight. 50 stones is incredibly dangerous, and entertainment worthy, but hides that people 5 stone overweight should be worrying about their health too - it's NOT OK to highlight the extremes when it's those people who are comparatively 'just a bit overweight' are experiencing health challenges too.

9 stone is in the healthy weight range for someone just over 5ft. I am 5ft 1.5 and feel great at that weight. I am a medium/large frame.

@DistantSkye

the only person I’m being harsh to is myself here.

it’s my opinion about how I look and on my frame H cup bra size does not look good. On my frame I literally just see boobs on my torso and after 3 kids I simply don’t look good.

I was significantly unhealthy before I met my PT. Struggling to walk upstairs etc. fairly high resting heart rate. On way to diabetes. Sore knees.

I find it fascinating that anyone would say I’m being extreme with my language. Being kind to myself and NOT giving myself a talking too has contributed to me being in the obese category.

But that would be a different programme so you’re missing the point a bit here 😐

Don't be ridiculous about it being impossible to 'suggest' that anyone needs to lose weight. It's suggested all the time by society in general and the way people are treated; we know we're fat and we know what people think of it.

What people who pretend to not understand what fat shaming is don't accept is that they are not the ones who need to discuss it with us. They have nothing more to add. We know it's not healthy; society has reinforced that it's not socially acceptable, we feel bad about our bodies already - look at the fucked up attitudes the OP has as an example.

What is needed is discussion of how actually to encourage weight loss generally, which usually means things like access to therapy, acceptance and self-esteem building, positive encouragement of exercise rather than being made fun of, mental health support generally, and broader societal changes like that. That usually isn't what the people who want to "suggest that someone should lose weight" are raelly interested in. They just want to feel superior because surely they aren't so stupid as to assume that telling someone they're fat will produce results.

This site is getting ridiculous about weight threads and encourages poor relationships with bodies, food, and diets as much as the old pro-anorexia sites did.

Sorry, do you want your oh to tell you you look awful?

I'm not really getting your op.

If you want to lose weight that's fine but it seems a bit odd to insist your oh keeps telling you how ridiculous you look to achieve it

Is it possible your husband is just so used to seeing you, the wife he loves, large, that he genuinely thinks you look lovely? Or he's afraid to say that you do in fact look fat for fear of upsetting you?

To your main point, you're absolutely correct. Currently, only a third of adults in the UK are a healthy weight, so of course we look around us and overweight people seem 'normal' because they're the most common.

I found this study interesting https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3234679/

Only 22.2% of obese women and 6.7% of obese men correctly classified themselves as obese (weighted kappa: 0.45 in women and 0.31 in men). On average, normal weight women and men were reasonably accurate in their assessment of how much they would need to weigh to be classified as obese; however, obese women and men overestimated the amount. Normal weight women thought they would be obese with a BMI of 28.9 kg/m2, while obese women thought they would be obese with a BMI of 38.2 kg/m2. The estimates were 30.2 kg/m2 and 34.5 kg/m2 for normal weight and obese men, respectively.

So even people who are obese, the majority of the time, don't realise it.

At a BMI of 24.9 I was a sliver away from being overweight but literally every single person who I spoke to about it was shocked and thought it was ridiculous that if I gained another pound I'd be classed as overweight. I'm tall and carry it well, but I could tell without clothes I was getting pretty big. When you see obesity all over then being mildly overweight starts to look normal.

I don't get you. You are overweight and trying to lose it (good for you!). You've lost some weight. Your husband thinks you're beautiful (again, yay!). Would you rather he kept reiterating that you look like a beach ball, until you've reached your target weight?

OP I agree and am same height and weight as your start weight, after already losing 10lbs. So yes, I am fat. Not curvy, or plus size. My thighs are fat and I am self conscious of it every minute of every day. I was fed like a prized pig as a child and struggled with weight since my teens, with only a few brief periods of being a healthy weight. My sister on the other hand took the body positive attitude and said she didn't care what she looked like and people shouldn't judge etc., refusing to diet. Instead she gained and gained and is now morbidly obese. Probably won't live long and already the health problems have begun under 40 yrs.

I work in pre school and feel very strongly about parents allowing children to become overweight. We have a strict healthy eating policy but the amount of food some get would shock you. I mean sandwich, yoghurt and rice cakes maybe smoothie for a 11 am snack for 3 Yr old, not lunch. Makes my blood boil as I know what those kids have in store.

@Botw1 in an ideal world I’d love my DH to be more encouraging about my health not just deny deny deny that I had an issue before.

It would be nice that as a family we were a bit more active at weekends.

it would be great if he could help me reach my goal and show an interest in what I’m doing.

While I agree that it absolutely isn't healthy to be overweight, don't you think that most people who are, are aware of that?
You really think that people who love us and tell us we look great are deluded? Because they want to he nice to us and try to make us feel good?
You don't think that they probably still know that we have some more weight to lose but telling us that we look like a beach ball or that we're fat might be a bit discouraging?
I know perfectly well that at my height and weight (5ft 6 and just weighed in at 18st so I may be a little sensitive) I am obese but if my husband said I looked so fat or like a ball I'd be really upset even though I know it.
God threads like this make me bloody mad!

OP I agree 100%

It's becoming more socially unacceptable to be a normal healthy weight than it is to be fat

omg This bollocks again. Some people on MN don’t think that fat people are ashamed enough of themselves and they equate it to “lost sight of healthy weight” and “impossible to talk about weight”

have We had “normalising obesity” yet?

Don’t be so silly. This is complete nonsense.

It doesn't sound like you like yourself very much, to be honest - lots of extremely hyperbolic language to describe how you look - and as though you're transferring some of that anger onto your husband/society as though everyone was trying to trick you into thinking you look good.

I'm the same height as you. At that weight I'd look nowhere near like 'a ball', nor 'so fat', nor 'ridiculous'. I very much doubt you do.

You're not wrong that we generally have a higher bar for healthy weight now, but as PPs have pointed out you can be physically healthier (in terms of diet, exercise, etc) at a higher weight than those who are at a lower weight through metabolism alone.

Way to be a mumsnet cliche op

@SpringPop

Your health has nothing to do with how you look.

He can support you trying to be healthy and never pass comment on your looks

I suspect he finds it boring 🤷🏻‍♀️

Other people’s weight loss and fitness journeys are very often tedious to hear about.

Think of yourself how you want - but describing yourself as looking fat and silly does kind of imply that you think anyone overweight looks silly and can't look good.

The health stuff, fair enough although it seems so extreme - were you really really sedentary and inactive? Because I'm around 80kg give or take and I do CrossFit/weight training 4 times a week and run half marathons. No dodgy knees. No pre diabetes. No high cholesterol. So it seems like there was more serious health issues at play with you that may not all be weight related?

I am currently trying to work on portion control to drop a bit of weight as I know it'll improve my health but I certainly don't think weight alone makes us healthy or unhealthy. Or indeed unattractive!

another boooooooring weight thread

People smoked an awful lot in the good old days. We've just replaced one vice for another. The Victorians took all manner of drugs. Before that was the gin craze. You've got an overly rosy view if you think people didn't do things that damaged their health in the past.