Does my friend have a crush on me or am I overthinking things?

[SoulCrusher]

I am so sorry this story is long. But if you want in on my life drama please enjoy!

I am 33F I have an opposite sex best friend 25M whom I’ve been friends with for five years we will call him Joe. I am married and have been madly in love with my husband 32M for 15 years and would never dream in a million years of leaving him. We are very happy together.

I am from Louisiana but I moved to the UK and became a citizen and live here with my husband and had a daughter with him about a year and a half ago.

Joe is also from Louisiana and he and I still play video games on playstation and chat on discord pretty regularly and have a gaming friend group and we hang out with but sometimes chat alone.

The thing is a few years ago Joe met a woman who was married and kept calling her hot and saying he wanted to date her. I commented on it and told him maybe it wasn’t a good idea since she was married because it might cause drama. He said “Yeah that’s the problem though. Everyone I am attracted to seems to be married. She said she’s unhappy with her marriage so I think I’m going to go for it.”

I figured it was none of my business so I said nothing else. But I thought it was weird that he said EVERYONE he likes is married because he never mentioned any other married women before.

We share selfies and pictures of our families, pets, gamer computers and art projects on discord and I shared a picture of myself after getting a new haircut and several of the boys commented that I was hot and Joe said “Wow I’m speechless.” We are the type of group that makes a lot of adult jokes and stuff and sometimes the guys drink too much and say stupid things. The guys comment on the girls pictures saying they are hot all the time. So I don’t really think I’m anything special. They’re just being guys.

During our gamer sessions he would often bring up the fact that he’s into the married girls and it’s a really big problem. There were times I felt like he was flirting with me but no one single incident that I could describe really. I had a really weird gut feeling about it so I went with my instincts and made a comment that he’s got a girlfriend now so he doesn’t need to worry about that.

Joe and his girlfriend dated for a few months and then she left him to try and repair her marriage. He was really devastated. I tried to support my friend but there was something that made me feel alarm bells going off. I knew he was really depressed about the break up but I felt like he was leaning on me in a way that was… how do I put it… unfair to my spouse I guess? I hope that makes sense. Joe would message me at like 3am and want me to call him and he would be sobbing on the phone and it would take me 2-3 hours to calm him down. I did this about 4 times until my husband commented on it and then I started distancing myself from it.

But Joe would say things like “I’m just falling apart. I don’t see any point in my own life.”

I would pretend like I didn’t see the discord messages because I was asleep but I felt really guilty about it.

Eventually I became pregnant and the pregnancy made me so sick that I kind of dropped off the face of the earth because I was having too many medical problems. I told my friends. They congratulated me and wished me well. We stopped talking for over a year because of it.

I got in touch with my friends group again and they welcomed me back. Another friend I will call Will updated me on everyone. When he got around to Joe he said “Joe’s not doing too well. Shortly after you left he changed and had a huge break down.” I felt really bad because I remember he was in a bad place but I felt like he should have gotten over the break up by now.

I talked to him and he said he was doing well but something was off about him. He mentioned he wasn’t sleeping well because of the nightmares. A few months went by and he would ask how I was doing and how the baby was. I would send pictures here and there but one situation sat weird with me. He said he had a nightmare but couldn’t remember it just as I sent a picture of my husband playing with the baby holding her up in a reusable shopping bag. He then said “Oh I remember! It was about this horrible giant four armed monster with two legs. It looked like a spider but had two heads and one was the face of a baby with a huge grin and it was eating all of my hopes and dreams!”

I… reread the “nightmare”. I looked at the picture. Four arms were visible. The baby’s legs were in the bag. Husbands legs were visible. Two heads were visible… One was a baby.

Why… what? Was it a coincidence? If not why would he be this indirect? I literally laid this all out for my husband. He said it was a weird coincidence but he thinks I’m over thinking things. I convinced myself he was right but it just… feels like more…?

I laughed it all off and didn’t say anything. I started slowly finding time between new parenthood and gaming at night and Joe seems himself slowly again. He starts making jabs that he’s still into married women and even his physical therapist. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤨 I tell him he’s a glutton for punishment. He laughs.

He then starts making jokes about how he’s kind of into single moms now… Why am I getting that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach again?

Over time he starts talking about how great Louisiana is and how I should move back and talking about how terrible the weather in the UK is compared to there. It feels like it’s been escalating lately. The thing that’s made me really convinced it’s not in my head is recently he said he’s thinking about picking up a single mom.

I really have no interest in dating Joe. He is my best friend and I want it to stay that west. But I worry I’m like… somehow stringing him along without realizing it?

But if I confront him I’m worried our friendship won’t survive.

I know not everyone will get it but I really love hanging out with Joe as friends and we go way back. But if my instincts are true I’m a bit concerned about two things.

1. That would mean he doesn’t respect my marriage.
2. It would imply he’s had a crush on me for years and he’s potentially holding out waiting for my marriage to fall apart and he’s totally wasting his time, energy and emotions.

aibu to think that Joe likes me?
Yabu - you’re reading way too much into it. Joe doesn’t like you stop being so self centred.
yanbu - Joe has a crush on you how are you this clueless?

If I am not being unreasonable what is the best course of action? Do I just ignore it and hope he comes to the conclusion to give up on his own? Or do I say something to him and tell him to give up?

I wouldn’t call him your ‘best friend’. He’s someone who leans on you for emotional support, doesn’t have good boundaries/respect you
or your spouse and says weird things that make you feel weird. You feel guilty and somehow responsible for him. You didn’t speak to him during your pregnancy and he doesn’t seem that pleased for you.

He likely does think you’re hot, and fancy you. I think you’re making that more of a drama than it is - the fact you’ve written all this down and remember offhand comments - it feels very teenage. He’s never made a move and he’s dated other people, but would probably jump at the chance if you gave it to him.

Honestly? It sounds like teen fiction OP. Don’t know why any grown woman/new parents would give two shits about this kind of behaviour or entertain it in their mind for more than a second.

I moved to Italy seven years ago, and while I do speak Italian, it's not easy or relaxing for me. So, when an English speaking guy, roughly my age, similar interests, moved into the village, I thought it was great. Over a period of months, both myself and my wife picked up on very subtle, low key ways he was hitting on her. Testing the water, but well below anything obvious, or outrageous enough to call him out on. We distance ourselves completely, because when I'm in a situation with a married woman, especially one I find attractive, I go the other way. I become more careful of the vibes I give out, I make sure my eye contact doesn't linger, I keep my attention mainly on the husband. If it feels off, it probably is! People's intentions creeps through, even if you can't really justify your suspicions with actual behaviour.

OP, I'm sorry you've had a tough time in life and on here.

I think it is understandable that as a result of your history you have bad boundaries and are hanging on to friendships that made you feel safe, even if you don't actually like aspects of them.

I would just address the married women stuff head on - not by inviting him to tell you he fancies you by asking him, but every time you have a comment about dancing married women, just saying "if that's directed at me, I'm really happy with DH so it just won't happen, but I think you're great and there is someone else out there for you" or "have you tried counselling to understand why you don't want to have relationships with available people". Similarly, re break up "I'm very happy to support you and you have my thoughts and best wishes, but I'm struggling to do anything more practical from a long way away and I think you might need some counselling as this sounds really very serious for you. Can I help you to find someone?". You don't have to give yourself to someone like this.

Joe needs a ton of therapy.

Like PP said this all sounds very much like you really, really want Joe to be into you.

Whether he is or not is not your concern. Distance yourself and get yourself some therapy, and take some practical steps to make real life connections in your new life in the UK. Join an exercise class. Go on Mush. Start volunteering, whatever, but do it. Your life is in the UK now and you need to act like it.

I think you are definitely loving the attention. You didn’t have to include that “several of the boys commented I was hot” - it’s not really relevant. All that actually matters is what HE said!

You are over invested in this friendship.
You need to focus on your child and husband who you claim to be madly in love with.

This is basically all I got from reading the opening post

I really don’t have words for how disgusting it is that when a woman discloses her past trauma to explain how bullying attacks are affecting her and why she finds socialization difficult, she is accused of ‘drip feeding’.

There should never have been a need for her to disclose that, it wasn’t really relevant, if you lot had acted like decent human beings in the first place.

And now when OP feels forced to defend herself, you lot double down and attack her for making a defense of herself. You do realise that the normal response, from normal people to OPs later posts would be, ‘oh, I got that wrong in my previous posts. I feel bad now’, not a teenage scrawl of ‘D D D dripfeed’

Bloody hell, you really should be ashamed of yourselves.

YABU about all of it. Joe isn't your responsibility. When you were pregnant, you dropped all of your online friends to focus on your RL. This shows where your priorities lie - with your DH and your DC and your RL - and it's where they should be.

Online friends and support networks are fine when they are being entertaining and supportive. As soon as they start causing any angst then it's time to reconsider if they're worth it - especially for someone with your history of assault and PTSD. You need to ringfence your boundaries.

Joe has went way past beneficial/fun/supportive and ended up causing upset, impacting your DH and giving you worries. If you don't want to give up all your online friends, just set boundaries on your interactions with Joe eg no private chats with him; direct him to RL support groups where he lives if he's struggling. Relationships and friendships change. You're in a different stage of your life now so it's fine to reappraise and readjust your parameters around Joe.

Sounds like an English A Level short story to me 😂

I can't say whether Joe actually fancies you or not but you both seem hyperfixated on each other, given that you're on different continents and (ostensibly) committed to other people. He might have built up the idea of you and him in his head, but it's never actually going to happen, so the kindest thing to do is start weaning him off. I'd stop answering the phone and communicate on the discord server only, as in where everyone else can see. It's got the cold-shower effect of a chaperone. Don't be online as much, and don't post haircut photos. You can still chat with your friends but keep it colleague level.

There's some horrible people on MN today. Why don't you start a thread just for spitting out your bile at each other rather than bullying someone who has asked for help?

Does everyone really need to share their experiences of sexual assault or childhood abuse on every op they make just so they don't get accused of drip feeding? FFS. Arseholes.

Op. I do think you are investing too much time into what Joe may or may not be thinking. With your past experience I can see why you don't want to feel you are stringing him along but from what you've written I don't think you are. I also think even if he does have a crush on you he knows that you are unavailable and has decided not to make a move or he probably would have already done so. I doubt he's waiting for your marriage to fall apart. Maybe he is just enjoying the infatuation without needing it to go further.

If it troubles you then I'd start distancing myself from the friendship a bit and working on finding more roots in real life. I know online friendships can be quite intense as having messages as your primary mode of contact means you are always available and also some of the inhibitions we have naturally fall away a bit. Most people are less reserved online (see also arseholes on this thread..).

You're not responsible for his feelings. You've made it clear that you are happily married. If he is hoping that one day you will leave your husband for him, then that is not your responsibility. I would just put some clearer boundaries in place, and let the rest go.

Sorry you're getting such a rough ride on here.

He knows full well what he is doing. So I'm going to state a few things I've learned on MN that no one ever said outright to me that maybe you can use:

• it is ok to have boundaries
• it is ok to assert boundaries
• this sort of drama isn't real life, and frankly isn't necessary
• his problems are not your responsibility or more colloquially you're not a therapy dog.

I'd really recommend reading the gift of fear by Gavin de Becker. Your brain is picking up on the warning signs as it is. You need to recognize what's normal, and give yourself permission to resist and know how to resist effectively.

This is all on him. You're just too nice and have been socialised to be nice, and given your updates it's no surprise this is how you are. Please don't blame yourself - blame him for being a preditory sleaze.

This is good advice - if he drops anything in again about married women, single mums etc, just have a few responses ready to go that make it clear that’s not your category, and you maybe think it’s a bit creepy of him to be looking that way and he’d be much better looking for someone available.

Grow up 🙄

YOU need to wean yourself off Joe.

Stop deluding yourself he's the pursuer and you're the innocent recipient of his unwanted feelings. You Are IN a relationship you need to extract yourself from.

If he's as great a friend as you say, then you can just tell him so and he'll understand and accept.

" I don't have enough time/space in my life; I'm going to take a break from gaming/messaging/ whatsapp/whatever to spend more time with my husband and family "

OMG you think more context is needed. After the supersize original post?

If you were not revelling in the idea of this drama and are not hoping with all your heart that Joe is interested in you, you wouldn’t need to keep writing voluminously about it. You are living in a fantasy world.

Honestly I couldn’t be bothered to read through all that, but trust your gut. If it feels off then it probably is. If you do think it feels wrong then you either do something about it or you don’t, the choice is yours.

I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned of I don’t. Joe was my real life friend I knew back in america. Actually a few of these people in this group are people I met in real life. Joe got me connected with them. Discord makes it easier because we don’t need international calling or texting.

I over shared my trauma because I got really upset and started crying because of the personal attacks here.

I want to meet people in real life but don’t know how because frankly I know I’m not a terribly likeable person because of the state of my mental health.

When I see really cruel posts on places like mumsnet here I think that is what people actually think when they meet me in person but don’t say outloud. It makes me afraid to talk to real people.

I know it all sounds fake and attention seeking. But this is real. This is who I am and that awkwardness that you are feeling from me, this is childhood trauma does to people. I know it doesn’t feel good or pleasant. I didn’t have good parents to socialize me so that you wouldn’t have to feel this unpleasant awkward feeling from me. And I am EXTREMELY self aware that I make people feel this way. I have had years of therapy and it’s still not gone and it will probably never go away.

And because of that I struggle to make friends because of that.

Video games were my refuge from my physical and emotional abuse and so yeah I hold on to them. Because the video games didn’t yell at me or call me names or criticize every little mistake that I made.

This will be my last post because this clearly didn’t go well.

To the people who were kind I thank you.

To the bullies, I don’t know why I word vomit my past when I get bullied. It’s a pretty stupid knee jerk reaction or something I guess. Maybe it’s just because I feel like I have to explain myself or something. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a pathetic excuse for a human being and I was fucked from conception or something.

I’m not sure what you want from me. But this thread is some of the worst hate I’ve felt in years. It just reinforced the feeling that I’m afraid to talk to actual people though.

Forget all the drama that’s personal to you, as a human he is to quote my American friends a douche. I mean a real sort of low life that prefers married women. You need to question why you want to be friends with him. If someone said this to me I would tell them what I thought of them and why I disapproved.

You come across as someone with low self esteem, drama seeking and low level MH issues. I used to work with women who had issues due to difficult life circumstances, some very extreme. It’s fine to game, I do and I am considerably older than you. I have however met women who do it for attention, not only do they do a disservice to themselves but the entire women gaming community who are trying to be taken seriously.

I am so sorry that you have had the reaction you have on here OP.

I tell my kids that when others are mean to them, then it is absolutely a reflection on that person and never on them. And it’s true. I know that whenever I am short or unpleasant to someone it’s always because of how I am feeling about myself. People who are feeling good and secure simply don’t feel the need to attack or put down others.

Due to being online, Mumsnet does attract some unhappy people and that causes them to take out their unhappiness by being bullying and nasty to people on here. I am so sorry it happened to you.

The spite of people on here is nothing to do with you, and does not reflect how people in real life will feel about you. You have a DH, let that let you know that you are lovable and are loved.

You really didn’t bother to read all OPs posts before you spewed this bullying bile, did you?

@SoulCrusher I'm shocked and disgusted reading some of responses on here. What is wrong with people. Sneering, jeering and bullying.

Op I'm not very good at giving advice but I'm sure you're a really fun and likeable person. Honestly please don't listen to fucking weirdos on here have got literally nothing better to do than try and tear down a stranger on the internet . I wish you the best of luck and I hope you can resolve the awkwardness with joe.