Does my friend have a crush on me or am I overthinking things?

[SoulCrusher]

I am so sorry this story is long. But if you want in on my life drama please enjoy!

I am 33F I have an opposite sex best friend 25M whom I’ve been friends with for five years we will call him Joe. I am married and have been madly in love with my husband 32M for 15 years and would never dream in a million years of leaving him. We are very happy together.

I am from Louisiana but I moved to the UK and became a citizen and live here with my husband and had a daughter with him about a year and a half ago.

Joe is also from Louisiana and he and I still play video games on playstation and chat on discord pretty regularly and have a gaming friend group and we hang out with but sometimes chat alone.

The thing is a few years ago Joe met a woman who was married and kept calling her hot and saying he wanted to date her. I commented on it and told him maybe it wasn’t a good idea since she was married because it might cause drama. He said “Yeah that’s the problem though. Everyone I am attracted to seems to be married. She said she’s unhappy with her marriage so I think I’m going to go for it.”

I figured it was none of my business so I said nothing else. But I thought it was weird that he said EVERYONE he likes is married because he never mentioned any other married women before.

We share selfies and pictures of our families, pets, gamer computers and art projects on discord and I shared a picture of myself after getting a new haircut and several of the boys commented that I was hot and Joe said “Wow I’m speechless.” We are the type of group that makes a lot of adult jokes and stuff and sometimes the guys drink too much and say stupid things. The guys comment on the girls pictures saying they are hot all the time. So I don’t really think I’m anything special. They’re just being guys.

During our gamer sessions he would often bring up the fact that he’s into the married girls and it’s a really big problem. There were times I felt like he was flirting with me but no one single incident that I could describe really. I had a really weird gut feeling about it so I went with my instincts and made a comment that he’s got a girlfriend now so he doesn’t need to worry about that.

Joe and his girlfriend dated for a few months and then she left him to try and repair her marriage. He was really devastated. I tried to support my friend but there was something that made me feel alarm bells going off. I knew he was really depressed about the break up but I felt like he was leaning on me in a way that was… how do I put it… unfair to my spouse I guess? I hope that makes sense. Joe would message me at like 3am and want me to call him and he would be sobbing on the phone and it would take me 2-3 hours to calm him down. I did this about 4 times until my husband commented on it and then I started distancing myself from it.

But Joe would say things like “I’m just falling apart. I don’t see any point in my own life.”

I would pretend like I didn’t see the discord messages because I was asleep but I felt really guilty about it.

Eventually I became pregnant and the pregnancy made me so sick that I kind of dropped off the face of the earth because I was having too many medical problems. I told my friends. They congratulated me and wished me well. We stopped talking for over a year because of it.

I got in touch with my friends group again and they welcomed me back. Another friend I will call Will updated me on everyone. When he got around to Joe he said “Joe’s not doing too well. Shortly after you left he changed and had a huge break down.” I felt really bad because I remember he was in a bad place but I felt like he should have gotten over the break up by now.

I talked to him and he said he was doing well but something was off about him. He mentioned he wasn’t sleeping well because of the nightmares. A few months went by and he would ask how I was doing and how the baby was. I would send pictures here and there but one situation sat weird with me. He said he had a nightmare but couldn’t remember it just as I sent a picture of my husband playing with the baby holding her up in a reusable shopping bag. He then said “Oh I remember! It was about this horrible giant four armed monster with two legs. It looked like a spider but had two heads and one was the face of a baby with a huge grin and it was eating all of my hopes and dreams!”

I… reread the “nightmare”. I looked at the picture. Four arms were visible. The baby’s legs were in the bag. Husbands legs were visible. Two heads were visible… One was a baby.

Why… what? Was it a coincidence? If not why would he be this indirect? I literally laid this all out for my husband. He said it was a weird coincidence but he thinks I’m over thinking things. I convinced myself he was right but it just… feels like more…?

I laughed it all off and didn’t say anything. I started slowly finding time between new parenthood and gaming at night and Joe seems himself slowly again. He starts making jabs that he’s still into married women and even his physical therapist. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤨 I tell him he’s a glutton for punishment. He laughs.

He then starts making jokes about how he’s kind of into single moms now… Why am I getting that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach again?

Over time he starts talking about how great Louisiana is and how I should move back and talking about how terrible the weather in the UK is compared to there. It feels like it’s been escalating lately. The thing that’s made me really convinced it’s not in my head is recently he said he’s thinking about picking up a single mom.

I really have no interest in dating Joe. He is my best friend and I want it to stay that west. But I worry I’m like… somehow stringing him along without realizing it?

But if I confront him I’m worried our friendship won’t survive.

I know not everyone will get it but I really love hanging out with Joe as friends and we go way back. But if my instincts are true I’m a bit concerned about two things.

1. That would mean he doesn’t respect my marriage.
2. It would imply he’s had a crush on me for years and he’s potentially holding out waiting for my marriage to fall apart and he’s totally wasting his time, energy and emotions.

aibu to think that Joe likes me?
Yabu - you’re reading way too much into it. Joe doesn’t like you stop being so self centred.
yanbu - Joe has a crush on you how are you this clueless?

If I am not being unreasonable what is the best course of action? Do I just ignore it and hope he comes to the conclusion to give up on his own? Or do I say something to him and tell him to give up?

oh my god I am so sorry I kept getting errors trying to send that. I’m trying to report it but the server is sending errors. If you can report the extras please do

😙

Okay, so let's imagine Joe does have a crush on you. So what, you're happily married. End of drama.

This. And by the time you wrote that dramatic diary entry you could have asked him the simple question about 50 times ffs.

Yep. ⬆️

Does it actually matter whether he does or not? You've never led him on and you are happy with your DH, and thousands of miles away anyway.
I'd distance yourself a bit.

Okay fine more context is clearly needed. I was in this exact situation with another person in high school. I thought it was fine to ignore it. The friendship went on for four years.

At my high school graduation he had a huge meltdown after asking me out. I told him no. He tells me he’s been waiting for me for four years and passed up several girls for my sake and sexually assaulted me. He never spoke to me again. I knew he kind of liked me but just assumed he would move on.

So I know… I know how STUPID I sound. Okay? I know I’m a fucking idiot for liking video games and being immature and talking to people on discord because I am too stupid to make friends in real life or understand basic social dynamics. But I don’t want Joe to wait years and years for me and then resent me for being the reason he doesn’t date years down the line.

So I expected people here to call me a moron. I know okay? I get it. These are my only friends. And Joe is my best friend and if I stop talking to them I’ve got nothing and yeah I guess I’m little self obsessed for worrying about it.

I just want to make sure he’s okay in my own fucked up way alright?

Who honestly cares if he fancies you or not? If he says anything inappropriate which makes you uncomfortable because you are married, unavailable and uninterested, call him out on it and say so. Or use language like 'hey friend' 'hey bro' ... That's weird you've never called me bro before? Well, I see you more like my little brother!'

'Ah Joe, you are such a good friend. And I don't ever EVER EVER EVER do friends with benefits, hahaha!!!

You get my gist.

Op you sound like you are 16... seriously wise up, you are a married woman, your husband deserves some loyalty.

I agree with every single word of this post. You sound tedious, attention seeking, and tbh, a pain in the arse

OP, I get that, honestly. My DC is autistic (not saying you are, obviously) and can only build relationships online and those relationships mean a lot to him. So I have changed my opinion a little after your update.

The problem is, you're married and your husband has already pointed out the issues that he's having with your relationship with Joe. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I think you need to put some boundaries in place with Joe and try and build up your network of friends around you. That's easier said than done I know, but I think you're risking your marriage here which will isolate you further.

Thank you. This was actually helpful.

Hey Joe, sending a weird dynamic lately. Do you have feelings for me that are more than friendship? If not I apologise for reading things wrong, but I don't want to give you the wrong idea as I am committed to my life here with my husband and child.

You do sound as though you're thriving on the drama if im honest. I am very sorry you were assaulted, that absolutely was not your fault and he clearly made you think it was. It wasn't. Joe isn't your best friend. You didn't contact him for a year whilst you were pregnant, and then popped into the group chat when you fancied, there's nothing wrong with that, it's casual friendship. You aren't best friends. You have a weird co dependent relationship that you need to nip in the bud because it's not actually benefiting anyone.

OP, you sound absolutely fine, ignore the arseholes on here. Some people here make a sport of picking people apart, and once one starts the rest of them follow.

I think many people here are of the school of thought that men and women can't be friends, which is bollocks, especially when you're talking about friends you knew since you were young.

Please don't let them get to you.

gets some adult friends.

I think it's really sad that at 33 you have no friends other than those you converse with on a gaming group chat. You need to get out more and meet other people in real life.

That aside, I'd be telling Joe he needs to stop wasting his life lusting after unavailable women. Id take every opportunity to lay it on thick about how fortunate you have been to meet your soulmate husband, how happy you are and how much you love your DH and your little family.

I had paediatric PTSD and it affected my social development a lot because my dad beat the shit out of me for the first 14 years of my life. He also nicknamed me stupid little girl. I’m used to getting shit on. I’ve accepted it as my lot in life.

Some harsh replies here OP. I know what it’s like to move countries and lonely it can be and hard to make new friendships.

You seem worried if things blow up with Joe, you lose that entire friendship group, which is your only one.

First thing, work on you. You have to build real life friends. You are clinging to your online group in the way Joe is clinging to you. You both need to move on to a real life with real in person people.

Secondly, you can’t make sure Joe is ok. Only he can do that. As I posted earlier, suggest he sees a therapist to work out why he is running away from his own life by only being attracted to married women.

You're very welcome! :-) I just think it's good to make him know he's in the friend zone FOREVER!

When he said about married women, maybe there was an opportunity to say something like, I can't speak for other women, but my vows meant something and I'd NEVER break them. But maybe I'm just very lucky because me and X have always been deliriously happy and we were definitely meant for one another.

I have two young children and have a game here and there once they've gone to bed. Better than a lot of mind-numbing TV so I won't be judging you for that! :-)

Do I get it right,you are in the UK and Joe is in Louisana?

0 reason to keep in touch with some online wierdo, they are not really “friends” but online aquaintances.

OP your updates shows the truth of the phrase, ‘Never judge someone without first hearing their story.’
There are some real bullies on this site and it’s unfortunate they have swarmed here.

People really should remember that they don’t know what is going on in someone elses’s life so should hang back on spewing their bile.

FWIW I am a detail person too, so totally get why you naturally relate all that in your post! And it’s on your mind, so of course you have detail.

Christ almighty people on here are fucking horrible. Op fwiw I'm 50 and wondering why I don't have a group of online gaming friends and people to voice chat with.

Joe probably does fancy you and has probably fixated on you bc you get on so well. I would go along with the pp suggestion of making it clear to him he is like a brother to you and that is all. He'll have to get the message eventually.

I am sorry, but you wrote that big massive long post and then decided to drip feed that you've not only been sexually assaulted, but that your dad assaulted you and you had paediatric PTSD. If indeed this is true, another few paragraphs in your original post to cover this instead of tbe other dramatic rubbish would have made more sense. I'm out, can't be doing with the drama.

Have you changed the actual state you're referring to to anonymise your OP? Just curious.

My God, of all the vile posts on here, this has to be the worst! You are trying to tell OP that it is her fault you bullied her, because she failed to reveal her history of male violence to fend off your bullying tendencies. Not only are you a bully, but one of those that seeks to blame your victims for the fact you bully them!

Jesus, have a word with yourself!