Birthday cake disappointment

[Grumpy67i8]

I asked for one thing and one thing only on my birthday: a nice piece of cake from a number of bakeries around us. Any one of them, they're all nice. In fact, I didn't even ask for it, I was going to go buy it. Not a big cake, just a slice. I've been on a strict diet for 4 weeks for health reasons, have been looking forward to this piece of shit cake for weeks. My one splurge. No drinks out, no party, no gifts, we've had a family bereavement, we have no time or energy for a celebration.

DH insisted he will go buy it for me. Insisted I shouldn't have to go out to get it. So I said OK, lovely. What does he do? He went and got me a cheap shit massive cake from a supermarket on his way home from work. It doesn't even taste of sugar and cream but some weird chemicals that leave an awful aftertaste. I'm so gutted. That's it. Had to write it down.

No, I didn't say anything. Ate it and pretended it was nice. I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere on my own bday.

Spare me the histrionics.

At least you got cake. I was in a similar state of mind on my most recent birthday... and then he proudly hauled out the pain au chocolat he'd bought from Sainsbury's!
Next year I am ordering myself an expensive cake for delivery and am going to pretend my sister sent it to me.

Pain au chocolat 🤣

Please tell me you make a similar effort for his birthday, @JackiePlace ?

How long is he allowed to grieve for? a week? two weeks?. It's not his fault the OP is a cake snob.

He can grieve for as he long as he likes.

But he shouldn’t agree to get a cake from the bakery for OP’s birthday which he knows OP likes and then get her a supermarket one.

Plus he fucked up her birthday last year too.

Oh, I totally, totally understand. My DP did something similar. I LOVE cake. It's my favourite thing about birthdays. For my last birthday he got me a cake, I have no idea where he found it. There are loads of great cake places here too (London) It looked great, and was apparently very expensive. But it tasted awful, some kind of fake buttercream that tasted of oily plastic and not much else. He wouldn't be able to tell how horrible it was, he hates cake. But I was so, so disappointed. I didn't even want to finish one piece.
I get you.

Oh wow some nasty posts all of a sudden. I was nothing but gracious to DH. Life has been very shitty to both of us since the beginning of the year. I was having a silent, anonymous moan about some cake because I won't say anything in real life. I'm human, sleep deprived, also grieving, have private thoughts and disappointments sometimes. I'm over it. DH is a wonderful man with many qualities but has no taste for cake, not the crime of the century.

I won't post anymore on this thread as I don't want to bump this thread any longer. Anyone reading this who sympathises, please don't post any more.

Gutted for you OP sounds like you needed that treat but sadly it’s just not worth saying anything. I probably would have done the same in your shoes, smiled & ate the shit cake. Maybe treat yourself tomorrow? I know you said your on a diet but you should still be able to have a small treat especially when you’ve been looking forward to it. Maybe be slightly more strict for the remainder of the week but one piece of cake is not gonna ruin your diet

I think you already know he meant well. He knew you wanted cake, he went large thinking it would be better.
People not on weight loss journeys do not get it, not ever... they arent in that mindset.
You did right by not making a fuss.

But, id tell him today, why you wanted small and quality, not big and showy .
He can learn, but only if you explain it

And have next weeks treat from the bakery, together. If lifes crap, do something nice together.
X

Honestly. I got so excited when he went off rustling in his bag and then he came back with that!
He always gets a trifle (his preferred cake). The kiddie kind with jelly and 100s and 1000s.
I have thought of 'forgetting' but then I feel mean.

I mean, there is even a Patisserie Valerie counter right next to the pain au chocolat!

If maybe he didn't understand what you had meant. That it wasn't about a big cake, but what you explained here about getting one nice piece from a bakery. And you think he intentionally ignored what you asked and did what he thought best and got the cake then he's in the wrong.

If you said that you wanted a nice piece of cake and you didn't make it very explicitly clear what you wanted, then he did get you cake and was trying to make you happy. Just put it down to miscommunication and next time make sure you are very explicit about what you want and even maybe get him to repeat it back. (like waiters in restaurants).

I'd like to think he was trying to do the right thing, maybe didn't quite understand what you wanted. Yes he could have been better planned, and yes he could have been proactive and double checked with you. But the weird thing is birthdays also have that surprise thing so maybe he was trying to suprise you.

Either way well done for sucking it up.

If I were you I'd maybe tell him you are upset and what you really wanted. And if he could go and get you a piece of cake that you really wanted in the first place.

Its one piece of cake. If you exercise after that helps. Lower blood sugar and helps with not putting on weight from it. If your happiness is so tied to this one piece of cake, I would have it. As stress also causes weight loss and it's nice to feel loved and have mindfull moments of happiness.

But just my view. Hope you find peace one way or another :)

Grumpy67i8
My birthday was yesterday, it’ll be shit today. I can’t afford the calories to just keep treating myself. Hence me letting myself enjoy proper food on my birthday.

he really fucked up my birthday last year (not in a trivial way like cake). And this year generally has been so utterly shit. Not a single source of joy in 2023.

I’ve definitely put too much hope into this cake! Why couldn’t he just let me buy it like i planned???
Op I'm sorry your year has been shit, I honestly truly am, but you have to allow for someone wanting to do what they think is nice for your birthday. And saying he fucked up on your birthday, what do you mean? You said you wanted cake and you even said he was all happy because he thought he'd found you an amazing cake. I know you told people not to post but think you need to talk to someone and look at whether this diet is right for you at this time x

I think you have every right to be upset. However, as your MIL has just passed away, I think you have to pick your battles with your OH. When you reach your next milestone, weight wise, go and buy yourself a slice of cake, set the table, make your favourite drink and enjoy every mouthful. Maybe in a few months tell your husband that you found it difficult having so much cake in front of you so next time it would be better to just buy u a slice.

People can be very thoughtless about birthdays, and the effect the lack of thought and effort has on the birthday person. Often all that is needed is just to acknowledge the occasion with a text or card or small bunch of flowers but some people are too busy thinking about themselves.

Anyway belated happy birthday 💐. I hope next year’s birthday will be better X

Grow up woman. He's just list his Mother ffs

This is always me on my birthday, I LOVE birthday cake with icing don’t care if it’s a Tesco cheap one what does DH do, pick one he likes with bloody buttercream all over it and some shit flavour. So last year I bought my own when I seen the crap thing he’d bought again, he didn’t like that but after being together 20 years he should bloddy know better. Go buy your cake when you get the chance and enjoy it xx

You are right to let it go. Tbh if he doesn’t have the sweet tooth he doesn’t understand. I don’t think he was lazy - he probably thought that big and bright was better.
I absolutely get you - you’ve wanted to maximise your calories and joy in one go. For the future - it’s too serious job so never trust it to anyone else. I’ve had it with DH a few times so from now on I always give them a clear instructions what to buy and what to do if it’s not available. I hate cakes disappointments.

You can’t rely on people…. Go out and get yourself that nice slice of cake the next time you’re allowed to have the calories… and enjoy it… by yourself and thank the stars that you would never do such a stupid thing as buy someone a shit piece of cheap cake … just feel happy that you have a wonderful soul inside ❤️

Well then don't leave it up to chance, pre-order the cake of your choice from a great bakery. then ask your dh to pick it up. that's what I do for birthdays including mine. Heck, I even pick up my own gift for the last 10 years. No disappointments since then. Everybody is happy.

I know exactly how you feel . Many years ago when I had 3 small children under 10, we were very short of money . I never had treats, couldn’t even afford new underwear. Mother’s Day was coming up and I gave my daughter 50pence to buy me a small pkt of Quality Street. I’d not had them for ages and they were my favourites. Her nana took her shopping and came back with a stupid ornament. I was gutted and cried once I was on my own .

He sounds useless.

As someone who bakes her own birthday cake every year because I'm a good baker and therefore a bit snobby about shop-bought, I do get the cake angst on a birthday - but OP, do stop being such a bloody martyr!

If it's that important to you, BUY/MAKE/ORDER the bloody cake yourself. Or if you think your DH can be trusted not to make a stupid mistake because 'it's all cake' then tell him precisely what, where and how. Some of them most need it spelling out. Explain WHY it has to be a proper bakery slice of cake, that you're on a daft diet and therefore it's a treat, that it's nice to have nice things on your birthday, etc. Some people are really unimaginative, others are stupid, or preoccupied, or depressed, or just really busy.

But all this stuff about how 'you can't afford the calories' - it's your birthday, and no matter what sort of cake you eat (or even if you have a whole cake), it's not going to make a crucial, game-changing difference to any diet. Ditto all the passive-aggressive stuff about pretending it was nice really, or that he screwed up your birthday last year - let him know, or he'll do it again and again.

Or - just get a grip and go out with friends. Have a nice time. Your moments of happiness shouldn't rely on someone else.

If it's that important to you, BUY/MAKE/ORDER the bloody cake yourself. Or if you think your DH can be trusted not to make a stupid mistake because 'it's all cake' then tell him precisely what, where and how

Seeing as we're shouting, SHE DID THAT AND HE SAID HE WOULD GET HER THE SLICE OF NICE BAKERY CAKE SHE ASKED FOR.

YABU to expect him to get what you want if you do not voice it.
I never understand why people in relationships just stay silent to keep the peace. Unless you are clear about what you want and deserve (and you absolutely DO deserve it!) then expect people to disappoint you time and again. Don’t set yourself up for it.
YA definitely NBU to expect your husband to listen to what you’d like for your birthday and make a decent effort for it, bereaved or not, that is absolutely no excuse and he’s a giant tit.
Good luck with the diet!