Birthday cake disappointment

[Grumpy67i8]

I asked for one thing and one thing only on my birthday: a nice piece of cake from a number of bakeries around us. Any one of them, they're all nice. In fact, I didn't even ask for it, I was going to go buy it. Not a big cake, just a slice. I've been on a strict diet for 4 weeks for health reasons, have been looking forward to this piece of shit cake for weeks. My one splurge. No drinks out, no party, no gifts, we've had a family bereavement, we have no time or energy for a celebration.

DH insisted he will go buy it for me. Insisted I shouldn't have to go out to get it. So I said OK, lovely. What does he do? He went and got me a cheap shit massive cake from a supermarket on his way home from work. It doesn't even taste of sugar and cream but some weird chemicals that leave an awful aftertaste. I'm so gutted. That's it. Had to write it down.

No, I didn't say anything. Ate it and pretended it was nice. I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere on my own bday.

What did he do / not do on your Birthday last year ?
Ex DP would sabotage any occasion not based on himself.

DH is thoughtful and listens - that's why he is the one I married.

So what was the reason for him fucking up the OPs birthday last year?

He wasn't grieving for his DM then.

This. He's still in the throes of a massive trauma, and yet he managed to get you some cake. Please don't hold this against him, his grief trumps your diet every single time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

That said, if you didn't give a shit about bakery cakes when your mum died, then you wouldn't have offered to buy one for your spouse's birthday and the spouse could have sorted one themselves...which is what the OP was going to do before her husband swooped in with essentially a plastic cake.

OP - I'd have to have a word with him, perhaps not straight away and tell him that for the past two birthdays you have felt let down because he wanted to do something nice but it just didn't meet the standards that you were expecting. Tell him what you wanted, if you're discussing cakes, say "Buy a cake from X or Y bakery only. Don't buy from a supermarket", if it's gifts, start setting up a wish list online and send him that.
He's clearly struggling with things and thought that what he was doing was up to muster, it wasn't. I'd just not mention it right away. Leave it a couple of weeks and then sit down over a cup of tea or glass of wine and have a conversation because if you don't, next years birthday and other celebrations will be just as shite.

The key sentences in the OP's opening post are these ones:

"DH insisted he will go buy it for me. Insisted I shouldn't have to go out to get it."

I agree that grief of losing a parent trumps everything but when a spouse insists on doing something at a time like that, it's probably because they want to take their mind off the grief for a moment, but he messed up here too. The OP was willing to go out and get her own cake. He didn't need to insist he took over. He could have let his wife go and get her own cake.

But why do you have to pretend?

if you pretend every year that you like it, he’s just going to trot out the same shit year in year out. I’d just say casually, I really fancy ‘insert specific cake type’ this year, and if he doesn’t get it, I wouldn’t kick off, or bash him over the head with it, but I also wouldn’t hide my disappointment and just say ‘I was really looking forward to that certain cake’ this year, and make a point of not eating any.

for everyone who tolerates this shit, your partner should want to please you and you him, so if that doesn’t happen and it’s not a miscommunication, then there’s bigger issues at play.

bereavements are excluded from the above, all expectations should be shelved for the foreseeable future.

You told him clearly (I'm assuming clearly and more than once) what you want.

And he got you something else. And expected you to be pleased.

I absolutely understand you being frustrated!

Is this something that happens regularly? If yes: I would bring it up the next time it happens (not right after a bereavement).

If it's a one-off: I would chalk it off as a nice (but unfortunate) gesture during a difficult time.

Completely get it. Having been on perpetual diets most of my life. There is nothing worse than saving calories and looking forward to one specified treat only to be presented with something else that is completely disappointing. I have cried about wasted calories. Yes it's not healthy but weight loss is bloody hard

I've been on a strict diet for 4 weeks for health reasons

It doesn't even taste of sugar and cream but some weird chemicals that leave an awful aftertaste.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your nice cake didn’t taste weird also. I completely cut out sugar a couple of years ago and when I started to introduce things back in they tasted disgusting, I was so looking forward to having a bit of chocolate or a biscuit and when I did I was so disappointed!

it’s what our bodies get used to. It’s good though, it keeps you off the stuff and not craving it.

unfortunately I persevered and fell off the wagon completely! 😂

I get where the OP is coming from in that I can't stand supermarket cake with plasticky fondant but love good-quality cake. DP and I are both on the same page about this. However there are obviously plenty of people who enjoy supermarket cake and over the years friends, neighbours etc have all brought them round with good intentions - and it's the good intentions that matter. On those occasions I've been happy someone's thinking of me.

I don't know how specifically the OP communicated why she wanted cake from a particular bakery and NOT a supermarket, if I want something super-specific from DP I'll make triply sure he understands it, in writing if necessary. "Get me a nice cake" would be too vague. On top of that with his mum dying it's the kind of thing that might slip his mind. OP doesn't eat cake often enough that her preferences would be obvious.

OP I would just go and get the cake you want and screw the calories. It won't taste any worse on a different day to your actual birthday. Go for a run or do some extra crunches if you must but cake is more important than calories.

I missed the memo where the world stops and you get to duck out of everything when a parent dies. My dad died a few months ago, I had a week off work and then…back into everything? Is there a badge or something to wear where you get this special treatment and allowed to be shit at everything for ages because I never got mine. Or is it just men? I certainly haven’t noticed anyone around me tiptoeing and letting me off stuff. I feel like I’m in a parallel universe on here sometimes. As far as I can tell adults have to get on with their lives and can certainly be expected to buy a slice of cake even when bereaved.

Maybe he's not a cake connoisseur, maybe he didn't fully understand the whole issue about only having one slice. And OP, you are making up rules which make your life harder. You could have had a tiny piece of the cake he bought and then gone out and bought your own special slice, I know you are on a diet but you are making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.
What is more concerning is that this slice of cake was your only treat....that's really sad. Why aren't you doing more to celebrate your birthday? DH might be grieving but that's no reason for you not to have lunch out, or a present, or do something nice. What else is going on ? Why is pleasing you on your birthday not on his to-do list? Is there a reason why you aren't celebrating, either with him or someone else? The recent bereavement doesn't really explain this.
I hope you can do something nice for yourself if DH is not willing or able to celebrate with you. Just get the cake you want and leave the synthetic one. You don't even need to comment if you you think that would cause a problem ( although that is a worry in itself).

Ah OP, I get it. So near yet so far from the treat you wanted. I think you're getting an unfair time on here, you're not sulking with your grieving husband, you're venting here where he won't see it.

Buy the cake. Savour every bite.

I'm sure you're wrecked, when my dad died my DH was nearly as exhausted as I was, there's a lot to be done and it's so emotional.

If you missed it then so did I.

Since my mum died last year we've had loads of awful things to deal with, including my own serious health issues. At no point did I get to be a useless wife, mother and grandmother. Somehow people got what they wanted for their birthdays and life went on.

If this is real then it sounds like the husband has been less than stellar on other birthdays. This appears to be less about grief and more about lack of thought.

Seems to be a pattern of him fucking up your birthday.

You need to consider that it might be deliberate.

He knows supermarket cake is inferior to bakery cake.

I wish you'd refused to eat it and waste the calories. Make this the last time you put his feelings above yours.

I'm guessing the whole cake was a similar price to a couple of slices from a bakery?

Not that that excuses it of course.

It's not nice when people think that they know better than you about what you would like.

You can't always have your cake and eat it, I guess.

My ex did this with toiletries. He always used to buy me a gift set from Soap and Glory. I don't like the smell of Soap and Glory but he used to appreciate the likes from female friends on Twitter when he posted the "look what I bought the missus" post, over buying me a brand I actually like.

Am I the only one who thinks op is really overreacting and everyone should give her dh a break. His mum just died! I know if my mum were to pass the last thing I'd be thinking about is cake for my dh, and I know for sure that he wouldn't expect me to do a single thing for his birthday so anything I'd managed to conjure up for him would be appreciated.
I'm sorry op but i think his needs right now trump your need for a nice piece of cake, he probably thought he was doing one better by getting you a big one to indulge in. Also birthdays happen every single year, the death of your mother is a life changing event. Poor guy!

Thank god someone else agrees with me, why is everyone focusing on ops own diet restrictions and this god damn cake. When this mans mum just died. This is ludicrous.
My dh mum dies I wouldn't even be asking for or expecting a card let alone a slice of cake.

If that was my husband I'd tell him. You don't have to be mean about it. Just clear. Anyway, make a date with yourself to buy a nice cake in 2 weeks?

The bereavement isnt really the issue though is it? If the OP was moaning that her DH couldn't face the shops, or couldn't face a celebration, or was scatty minded or very short of time because of the recent death, that is unreasonable of her.

What actually happened was DH went to one shop instead of a different shop on his way home from work. What is it about the bereavement that meant he had to go to Tesco instead of a bakery? Nothing! He just didn't listen/didn't care about what the OP had asked.

It's obviously a very tough time after a parent dies but I don't see it's relevant in this situation. He just couldn't be arsed doing what the OP asked and did what he thought was best.

@EElmTree22 I was beginning to think it was just me so thank you!

My DH's birthday was 2 weeks after dad died last year, I can't remember a thing about the day but I'm pretty certain he doesn't hold that against me (even now, writing about dad brings tears to my eyes and it's been 13 months).

It sounds like he really tried and got you and really nice looking cake :( and he got you a bigger cake too! So in his mind he probably thinks he did well.

Well I think since his Mum has just died I would cut him some slack for "not listening"