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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday cake disappointment

154 replies

Grumpy67i8 · 02/05/2023 05:53

I asked for one thing and one thing only on my birthday: a nice piece of cake from a number of bakeries around us. Any one of them, they're all nice. In fact, I didn't even ask for it, I was going to go buy it. Not a big cake, just a slice. I've been on a strict diet for 4 weeks for health reasons, have been looking forward to this piece of shit cake for weeks. My one splurge. No drinks out, no party, no gifts, we've had a family bereavement, we have no time or energy for a celebration.

DH insisted he will go buy it for me. Insisted I shouldn't have to go out to get it. So I said OK, lovely. What does he do? He went and got me a cheap shit massive cake from a supermarket on his way home from work. It doesn't even taste of sugar and cream but some weird chemicals that leave an awful aftertaste. I'm so gutted. That's it. Had to write it down.

No, I didn't say anything. Ate it and pretended it was nice. I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere on my own bday.

OP posts:
Wishimaywishimight · 02/05/2023 09:51

BarbaraofSeville · 02/05/2023 08:16

So what was the reason for him fucking up the OPs birthday last year?

He wasn't grieving for his DM then.

Show quote history

I don't know the reason for last year. Maybe he is always thoughtless and selfish however OP needs to address that in whatever way she choses.

The fact is that this year he is recently bereaved so now is not the time to deal with cake disappointment

Spiderboy · 02/05/2023 09:52

His mum has just died, I’d let it go to be honest. Just go and get yourself a piece of cake instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

Hankunamatata · 02/05/2023 10:13

OP you are allowed to feel the way you feel. You didn't make a fuss. You ate it and didn't say anything.

Walkingtheplank · 02/05/2023 10:15

sandyhappypeople · 02/05/2023 08:30

But why do you have to pretend?

if you pretend every year that you like it, he’s just going to trot out the same shit year in year out. I’d just say casually, I really fancy ‘insert specific cake type’ this year, and if he doesn’t get it, I wouldn’t kick off, or bash him over the head with it, but I also wouldn’t hide my disappointment and just say ‘I was really looking forward to that certain cake’ this year, and make a point of not eating any.

for everyone who tolerates this shit, your partner should want to please you and you him, so if that doesn’t happen and it’s not a miscommunication, then there’s bigger issues at play.

bereavements are excluded from the above, all expectations should be shelved for the foreseeable future.

Show quote history

Every year I DO say what I would like, and for whatever reason it's not heard.

But in the moment, as they sing happy birthday looking happy with themselves, I'm not going to complain. That would be rude.

clpsmum · 02/05/2023 10:40

You didn't have to eat it. I think there are bigger problems tbh

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 02/05/2023 10:51

fucking hell.

longtompot · 02/05/2023 10:53

In fact, I didn't even ask for it, I was going to go buy it.

A lot of people have missed this point that the op made in her original post. Of course when compared to the death of someone, not having the cake someone wanted for their birthday seems trivial, but they were going to buy it.

And her dh said

DH insisted he will go buy it for me. Insisted I shouldn't have to go out to get it

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 02/05/2023 10:58

BarbaraofSeville · 02/05/2023 06:21

No, it's not trivial.

You had a conversation about him buying you a slice of nice cake from a bakery. And he said he was going to go and get it for you. He knew you were on a healthy eating plan, so should have been able to make the leap to a small slice of nice cake being good and his giant crap supermarket cake being bad.

Eating the cake he bought and pretending it was nice was the wrong thing to do. You should have said something.

Show quote history

OK but his mums just died so I'd probably let this one slide

Skybluepinky · 02/05/2023 11:00

Much easier to buy exactly wot u want.

longtompot · 02/05/2023 11:00

Skybluepinky · 02/05/2023 11:00

Much easier to buy exactly wot u want.

Which is what op was going to do

ISpyNoPlumPie · 02/05/2023 11:02

I'm not one for simmering resentment in my relationship so I would say it wasn't what I wanted. I wouldn't eat it either if I had my heart set on something else and was watching my calorie intake. I also know that I am very unreasonable - like my mother (who, when I was 9yo, made me take back the garlic crusher I had bought her for Christmas because it wasn't the exact one she wanted). If I want a particular something, that is what I want. Not something similar, that exact thing. In this situation, I would have got it myself, insisting aside. My DH is well aware of this now and understands it's not worth the hassle of him thinking he knows what I want better than I do. I know, I know, I'm awful...

Lifeinlists · 02/05/2023 11:04

longtompot · 02/05/2023 10:53

In fact, I didn't even ask for it, I was going to go buy it.

A lot of people have missed this point that the op made in her original post. Of course when compared to the death of someone, not having the cake someone wanted for their birthday seems trivial, but they were going to buy it.

And her dh said

DH insisted he will go buy it for me. Insisted I shouldn't have to go out to get it

Yes well he got it ' wrong' but it came from a good place. Presumably he wanted to do a nice thing.

I get where OP is coming from in a way but disappointment just has to be sucked up sometimes - which, to be fair, OP is obviously doing.

Your head's all over the place when a parent dies so he wasn't going to improve on last year, was he?

Ktime · 02/05/2023 11:17

Lifeinlists · 02/05/2023 11:04

Yes well he got it ' wrong' but it came from a good place. Presumably he wanted to do a nice thing.

I get where OP is coming from in a way but disappointment just has to be sucked up sometimes - which, to be fair, OP is obviously doing.

Your head's all over the place when a parent dies so he wasn't going to improve on last year, was he?

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Given OP said there is more to it than the cake, and he knew OP wanted cake from the bakery, I'd say he has sabotaged OP's birthday treat.

Travelfan2021 · 02/05/2023 11:25

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This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

DustyLee123 · 02/05/2023 11:27

Ive learned that to avoid disappointment you buy what you want yourself.

Sudeko · 02/05/2023 11:30

Go out and buy the slice (just for yourself) and thoroughly enjoy eating it. Worry about the calorie counting later. Nothing will start to get resolved until you have righted that wrong.

Travelfan2021 · 02/05/2023 11:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

randomuser2019 · 02/05/2023 11:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

SophieinParis · 02/05/2023 11:50

Ah who cares?! It’s just cake. It’s not his fault you built up this whole excitement
about a slice of cake (?!). He’s lost a parent so probably isn’t going to empathise with his wife having that much emotion over a very specific piece of cake.

Surely it’s nicer anyways to share the bigger cake with your family, it’s more celebratory and social than you just sat there scoffing your one slice from the bakery!

Id have just eaten a teeny bit and then gotten a nicer bit of cake at some other point. Having said that, I don’t think I’d have invested that much emotional energy in a cake!

Happy Birthday though! And enjoy your slice of cake when you get round to
having it 🙂

sandyhappypeople · 02/05/2023 12:19

Walkingtheplank · 02/05/2023 10:15

Every year I DO say what I would like, and for whatever reason it's not heard.

But in the moment, as they sing happy birthday looking happy with themselves, I'm not going to complain. That would be rude.

Show quote history

You don’t have to complain right then and there, I agree that would be rude and would make the kids feel bad, so just blow out the candles and don’t eat it, and then ask your oh privately why, even though you specifically asked for something why he’s bought something else? No drama, no falling out, just communicate your feelings.

id tell him I was really looking forward to it that’s why I specifically wanted that thing.

To me, pretending you like something when you really don’t is a slippery slope, and is just showing that you’ll tolerate the ‘bare minimum’ but in fairness I’m not a bare minimum person and wouldn’t accept it in a partner either.

PollyPut · 02/05/2023 12:32

@Grumpy67i8 I totally understand your disappointment. I'd be really disappointed too.

Can't see that there is much to be done though. Just make sure that you get nice cake for his birthday and next year make it clear to him (again) exactly what you want. And maybe treat yourself to half a slice of the cake you fancied and freeze the other half.

VintageThoughts · 02/05/2023 12:39

That would piss me off too. Just because if you'd been left to your own devices you'd have got what you wanted instead of something you absolutely didn't.

I'd have accepted it graciously and said "oh wow, that looks lovely, thank you. I think I'll leave that for you to enjoy though and I'm going to nip to the bakery to get the slice of cake I asked for. I've been looking forward to it for so long!"

Happy birthday for yesterday OP 💐

Original poster
Grumpy67i8 · 02/05/2023 12:47

Thanks everyone. I won't say anything because I know DH's head is all over the place. He also doesn't have a sweet tooth at all and just wouldn't understand it. He won't recognize a good cake ever. Which is why I really wanted to get it myself!!!

I'm annoyed he was so insistent that he will do it and then got lazy and went to the supermarket.

OP posts:
Laiste · 02/05/2023 13:03

Sorry, i think you're blowing this up out of proportion and winding yourself up.

I get why you hate the supermarket cake but honestly - if you want something very specific, which you know your spouse is clueless about at the best of times (and his mother's just died), - you should've stuck to your guns and just gone and got yourself what you wanted.

Just freeze the cake and go and treat yourself to a decent bit on the quiet anyway.

That many calories won't make a difference to a long term diet OP.

Original poster
Grumpy67i8 · 02/05/2023 13:08

Look, life is a bit shit right now and I wanted a piece of delicious cake and moan about my supermarket cake with some fellow cake lovers.

I love DH, I'm not some drama queen, this is not the end of the world and life moves on. Fucking getting my own cake next year though.

OP posts:
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