Birthday cake disappointment

[Grumpy67i8]

I asked for one thing and one thing only on my birthday: a nice piece of cake from a number of bakeries around us. Any one of them, they're all nice. In fact, I didn't even ask for it, I was going to go buy it. Not a big cake, just a slice. I've been on a strict diet for 4 weeks for health reasons, have been looking forward to this piece of shit cake for weeks. My one splurge. No drinks out, no party, no gifts, we've had a family bereavement, we have no time or energy for a celebration.

DH insisted he will go buy it for me. Insisted I shouldn't have to go out to get it. So I said OK, lovely. What does he do? He went and got me a cheap shit massive cake from a supermarket on his way home from work. It doesn't even taste of sugar and cream but some weird chemicals that leave an awful aftertaste. I'm so gutted. That's it. Had to write it down.

No, I didn't say anything. Ate it and pretended it was nice. I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere on my own bday.

He may have been thinking the same way as my MIL does, she always wants to go 'bigger and better' and so if I ask her for something she won't necessarily think of my reasonings and will try and do something she perceives as better - hence the big pretty cake (even though to you it's inedible). This may have come from a well meaning place but yes, he's recently bereaved so you were right to tread carefully and I do understand the disappointment.

I don't know which way to vote because you are being both very reasonable and slightly unreasonable.

I am with you 100% about the cake, it has to be worth the calories. I'm pre diabetic, so can't even eat cake right now. I would be so upset if my one treat had been so mishandled.

Where you are being unreasonable is not to say something. Good honest communication is the key to any relationship. The one with your partner requires even more honesty than most, in my book. I would have said something. Not in a nasty way, but to say that it isn't what you wanted (assuming he knew that already). He did know didn't he or was that a lack of communication too?

Maybe we are blunter in our family. We had an agreement decades ago that if something was wrong then we discussed it. Things like not liking a new recipe are talked about so that you don't have to eat something you don't like for meal after meal.

Next opportunity go and buy the cake you want. I wouldn't have eaten the supermarket cake, but my husband knows that already.

It's not unreasonable of you to be disappointed. You had put your hopes into 1 small thing and it didn't happen. I expect your OH was thinking 1 slice isn't enough to go around so bought a bigger cake to save money and probably thought he was helping.

I also know what it feels like to just want a small bit because I'm on a diet then feel really guilty about the wastage of something I didn't even want. Are there any neighbours, friends or relatives that would appreciate a slice if you cut it up and passed it around?
Have your special bakery cake in a few weeks or next month.

It sounds like this is about more than just the cake but that was the straw that broke the camels back. Not the icing on the cake ... as it were

I was frustrated just reading this OP. For me it would be that he seems to think he knows better than you what you will like.
He's not listening to you explicitly explaining what you want (one slice of nice cake) and instead doing what he decides you would like, or more likely, what he himself would like (big, cheap cake).

I totally understand that now is not the time to bring it up with him, but make sure you talk to him at some point so he understands.

Hope the rest of the year holds better things for you OP.

His mother just died and you want to bang on about cake? Okay then.

My mum died last year. My husband's just before lockdown. Communication didn't just stop because of it.

Op wanted to get her own cake, but husband knew better. If he had just let her do that none of this would have happened.

It sounds like the op's husband was even more useless last year (with no bereavement involved).

It's not nasty or entitled to say that something isn't what you requested.

Didn't you realise when writing your thread title Birthday cake disappointment, that you sound like a pathetic toddler?
You obviously dislike your husband and are looking for ways to amplify your i'll feeling towards him.
His mother has just died ffs and all you can think about is your birthday cake disappointment.

Give him a break, his mum recently died. I couldn't give a shit about bakery cakes when my mum died.

So much drama from everyone over a slice of cake. His mum has just died. Nobody forced you to eat the shit cake, you could have gone out today and bought yourself a slice

I know, I am really quite shocked. Post after post focussing on cake, the importance of the cake, and suggesting a conversation be had about the cake or perhaps sending him out to get the correct cake etc. As for the calories? Seriously?

If DH has suggested to me that I should listen more carefully when he said what cake he wanted and proceeded to "send" me out to get the right one, weeks after the loss of my dad, I would have thought he had lost his mind and it would have vastly lowered my opinion of him.

I get this.

I dont mind a supermarket cake but I do want a 'naice' cake. Probably a Victoria sponge or lemon - definitely not chocolate and not slathered in butter icing or its chemical equivalent. Smaller, better quality. If we're going cheap/mass produced I'd prefer a Caterpillar cake.

A few weeks before my birthday I can work out which monstrosity my husband will buy in Sainsbury's. It will be a large chocolate economy cake that a 6 year old would love. Our kids are teens.

Have to pretend I like it every year.

This!

I can’t believe some of the replies on here!

Those posters who are berating OP for expressing her disappointment at the cake and not being considerate of DH's DM recently passing. You're not reading between the lines.

OP clearly states that she doesn't feel she can raise it. She ate some of the cake yesterday and no doubt expressed gratitude. She won't discuss it with DH at the moment from respect of his feelings over his very recent bereavement.

However, don't OP's feelings count too? The lack of thought. The lack of listening to what she asked for. The compound disappointment after last years birthday disappointment.

All she said she wanted was something simple. She was going to get it herself. DH wanted to make the grand gesture, but hadn't listened to OP or respected what she said she'd like.

She's venting on here because she doesn't want her DH to feel bad.

Cut her some slack.

OP, I hear you. I hope you can bring this up at some point in the next year and that your DH respects what you say.

So his mother has just died, he knew you wanted cake and got you cake? Could never have just have been grateful? Your poor husband.

Stop being such a diva and get yourself a slice of cake today if its that important to you. You honestly sound like a petulant child. Haven't got time for all this can't afford the calories nonsense too. If its that important to you, just get it.

@GaGazelda I just think, on this occasion, her husband's grief over the loss of his mother trumps the OP's disappointment at getting the wrong cake.

I generally try to see both sides but this time I really can't do it.

I think when you have built up a big picture of something in your head, and you know its significance is major for you, you should pick it out yourself. Maybe a trip together would have worked. Maybe phone, order, get him to collect.

Don't take it too personally and yes, have the slice of cake today if it will help you move on.

Little things matter.

He offered to buy the cake and then didn’t bother listening to her wishes. He messed up last year too. The bereavement hasn’t made him selfish. I bet he always has been. Losing a loved one doesn’t make you a saint.

Some women on here have such a low bar re birthdays and thoughtfulness from a partner.

OP think of the bigger picture re your weight. Go and get one proper slice now for your birthday. In five years time, this one piece of cake will have had minimal effect on your overall weight.

I agree. I missed the part about his mother recently passing away. Poor guy. 😟

He is a cake heathen and has no understanding of good cake!

sending a huge for your disappointment. Vent away.

I’d have gone mental OP. I get it. Who wants UPF birthday cake? I think your best option is get rid of the shit cake, get your preferred slice and go back on your diet tomorrow. It’s the only way around it.

I feel like I have entered a parallel universe.

Bereavement trumps cake. It just does.

Goodness some folk Really like cake .

Yabu on the basis his mother has just passed away. I imagine he's heads all over the place.

Happy belated birthday!

Just noticed the detail about your husband having lost his mum. I’d definitely let him off this year.

But regarding him not getting it right on any birthday, my husband has had some shall we say interesting gift moments over the years and he’s usually quite thoughtful. My dad even more so. It seems to be that your husband’s thoughtlessness with birthdays and perhaps more generally has caused a bit of resentment to build up over time. My mum used to get upset as she did all the drudgery jobs every day and her birthday was the one day for her. So I’d talk to him about this - not now given what you said about his mum but the next time you feel this way. Do you make his birthday special? If so, it should be an easier conversation to have.

However, If I had invested so much into the experience of eating this piece of cake, I’d have treated myself and gone to a nice cafe and enjoyed the moment with a hot drink. To many, cake will be cake and they’ll think more = better.

I also would have eaten a small piece of the shop-bought one (you made it clear you only wanted a slice and he knows you’re dieting so no problem) and just had the nice cake calories the next day. It’s a slice of cake - not two weeks all inclusive which might make someone put on a good few pounds. I’d up my cardio for a day or two if I was that worried of gaining weight and it was a nice big slab of cake. But you wouldn’t - unless it’s well over 3,500 calories (of your calories required to maintain weight, not a diet deficit) and you’ve done no exercise/metabolism of them! I’ve been there in the past with making calories “worth it” due to a restrictive diet and it’s a sad place. I’d get upset about a bad meal out as it “wasted calories”. Looking back, I don’t think this is a healthy attitude to food.