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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘She’s f*cking huge, as big as you’ but not calling me fat

266 replies

namechangeforthistodayy · 01/05/2023 18:54

Posting to vent more than anything because I just need to get out what’s just happened and I feel really confused and upset and don’t know if I’m just being stupid and ‘spiteful and manipulative’ as I’ve just been called. Also changing names for this.

Had a lovely day with my family and my partner and little boy. Back at my mums and we’re still having a laugh when she sees a photo of a woman she knows on Facebook and says ‘she’s f*cking huge’, I asked her had she gained weight because I’d only ever known her as tiny and she replied ‘she’s about as big as you now’. I am big. I have PCOS and I comforted myself with binge eating when I had my son three years ago due to PND. I’ve struggled to get it off ever since and am making lifestyle changes currently and have lost a stone in the last couple of months which I’ve felt good about. I tried to laugh it off when her and my sister started getting up photos of big women on mobility scooters and saying that it was me. Not just pictures but videos too making me watch them whilst laughing and It got uncomfortable and I told her she was calling me fat which I already knew, but that she is also weight conscious and she wouldn’t like it had I said this stuff to her. She said ‘I know but I never said you were fat’ and I told her that calling someone huge was generally insinuating that and she continued to deny it because she had never used the word fat and ‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’. When I tried to explain to her I just got shut down in front of everyone, and I eventually started crying because I felt so embarrassed. She then got verbally aggressive and with a really nasty look on her face called me a liar and spiteful and manipulative denying that she had not said anything wrong because she hadn’t used the word fat. She started screaming at me to get out of her house and said ‘if you really want me to get nasty I can tell you a few home truths about yourself’ so I told her to just say it if that’s how she felt, and she refused and said ‘you wouldn’t be able to handle it’.

I started to pack up to leave and she started to get my partner involved saying ‘I never said this did I’, when he told her that she had, her face dropped and she stormed off into the kitchen screaming get out of my house.

We’ve obviously left and definitely should have done earlier but it genuinely was a nice day, which is generally quite rare because she is so on and off and sometimes I feel like the scapegoat child because she panders to all my other siblings. I’m the oldest and it’s always been this way.

I just feel shaken up and almost like I’m deluded and in the wrong for getting upset and keep doubting myself that maybe I just shouldn’t have been upset because she hadn’t actually used the word fat. My partner has reassured me that what’s happened isn’t okay, but I’m really shaken up and also worried that she is going to try to do something really spiteful.

i just don’t know what to do and im getting in my head about what to do next and how to handle the situation.

OP posts:
OMG12 · 01/05/2023 20:20

Your mum is abusive, was she like this when you were young? If so she is probably the underlying problem re your relationship with food.

you are not the issue. She is!

MissingMoominMamma · 01/05/2023 20:26

Were they drinking?

I can only echo what everyone else has said- this is not normal- their behaviour was abusive. If you can, I’d go no contact with them. Your kids should not be hearing people who are supposed to love you talking to you like that.

It will be like lancing a boil- scary and painful at first, but then you’ll be free of the poison.

💐for you.

Mortenharkettsgirl · 01/05/2023 20:27

Your 'mother' and sister sound deranged. It is actually quite shocking. They must be full of self hatred to behave so appallingly. I doubt your 'mother' has capacity for self reflection or personal insight and she will never be ashamed or remorseful of the way she has treated you. I agree with other posters- remove her from your life.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 01/05/2023 20:31

If my mum and sister treated me like that, I'd not go back. Bullying and gaslighting you. PPs have suggested going no-contact. I second this. Block them on socials, block their numbers on your phone, and if you have a landline then get caller display and don't answer if it's them.

StewPots · 01/05/2023 20:31

They sound like a bunch of cunts tbh OP. I’d NEVER speak to my DC like that even in jest, as I know how damaging to self esteem it can be.

So sorry your nice day was ruined. Sending unmumsnetty hugs your way ❤️

ThreeRingCircus · 01/05/2023 20:32

Your mum is a nasty bully. Do not subject yourself to this, or your child having to witness this. I would be going no contact.

MavisMcMinty · 01/05/2023 20:34

I see a lot of “go no contact!” remarks on MN that I disagree with, but in your case GO NO CONTACT!

Sid077 · 01/05/2023 20:35

I’m sorry your family is abusive, proud moment when your partner stood up for u though he sounds like a good one. I would go very low contact with your mother and sister, it’s easier than no contact as you can’t be ‘accused’ of ignoring them then.

Jenasaurus · 01/05/2023 20:40

I have felt like this too. I fell upstairs with my trousers half down (going from my parents downstairs loo to get loo roll from the bathroom!) I broke my leg and ended up having surgery and in hospital for 2 weeks, I was early 30s and they did a bone density test as the break was so bad, but my bone density was fine.

2 years later i broke the same leg tripping up a kerb in Cyprus.

Then last year I fell in London, tripped over nothing and grazed my leg badly, we were in Harley street, my DD was having a procedure done and the doctor looked at my leg while i was there and put a plaster on it.

Then more recently with my DS in a lovely pub. My son, said, watch these stairs there slippery, but too late I feel top to bottom down the old stair case in this lovely pub. I didnt hurt myself too badly that time, a bruised bum.

Then a little while later going for a walk with my family I fell down a gap by a tree root in front of lots of people watching a cricket match.

I share your anxiety about having a fall, I am 58 now but I have been falling over all my life, just clumsy I guess :(

Jenasaurus · 01/05/2023 20:41

sorry wrong thread!

Katherine1985 · 01/05/2023 20:46

Fladdermus · 01/05/2023 19:39

I'm from a family like this OP. Nasty, abusive and cruel. But when it's what you've been exposed to your whole life it's hard to see it for what it is. But you have to hold onto the fact that this isn't normal behaviour, it isn't acceptable, and you don't have to tolerate it. Walk away and fill you life with kind people who build you up and enrich your life.

Me too. I think I suddenly saw it after I had my own DC and had such fun with them without cruel laughter and denigration.

Once I saw it I couldn’t un see it, and I just found it sickening

HappyMe6 · 01/05/2023 20:48

Jesus Christ what a pair of nasty unhinged bitches! I would be off first time something like that was said! How they can speak to you like that is unforgivable! I’d go no contact, please do not accept this behaviour

Rosebel · 01/05/2023 20:50

I am NC with one of my aunts after she made similar comments to me. It really hurts doesn't t? I just felt so shit and like I was worthless.
She tried to get in touch when my eldest was born. Absolutely no way I was willing to expose my child to someone so vile.
It's worse for you as it's your mum but she doesn't deserve that title if she can be so cruel.

Natty13 · 01/05/2023 20:50

Holy shit what a nasty cow. I'm sorry you didn't get the mum you deserved.

I'd be fucking comfort eating if that was the family I ended up with!

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 01/05/2023 20:51

I have only read your OP, but your mother sounds like she has something wrong with her. What a cruel mean way to act and talk.

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 01/05/2023 20:52

Sound like another pair of covert narcissists. Look it up…it’s an eye opener! Definitely 100% not you. What a vile pair. I hope you’re ok OP 🫂

oakleaffy · 01/05/2023 20:53

What a horrid .unintelligent ,bully your mother sounds, OP.
How on earth can laughing g at people on mobility scooters be remotely amusing?

I'd stop going to see her until she can be more aware of what a fool and how insulting she is being.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2023 20:55

Laughing at disabled people. There’s a word for that. Are your mother and sisters so perfect and stunning. Do men faint at the mere sight of their beauty.
I want to say that’s what you’d expect from teenagers but that would be wrong because teenagers don’t behave like that.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2023 20:56

There’ll come a time when they might need these mobility scooters themselves. I bet they won’t be laughing so heartily then.

fortheloveofflowers · 01/05/2023 20:57

You’d find losing weight a lot easier if you fucked those to off out your life.
How vile!!!
I’m glad your partner stood up to them on your behalf too.

Go no contact.

Replitad · 01/05/2023 21:00

I would go NC and never set foot there again. Don't put yourself in a situation where you gave to listen to that kind of nastiness

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 01/05/2023 21:02

StewPots · 01/05/2023 20:31

They sound like a bunch of cunts tbh OP. I’d NEVER speak to my DC like that even in jest, as I know how damaging to self esteem it can be.

So sorry your nice day was ruined. Sending unmumsnetty hugs your way ❤️

I wouldn’t speak like that to a maggot let alone my own child.

IcedBananas · 01/05/2023 21:07

Avoid them, ignore messages etc. Don’t be involved with your DM or anyone else involved (or anyone who hassles you for taking a step back). Only reintroduce contact slowly and only as far as behaviour is respectful. If behaviour becomes disrespectful again,
leave immediately, reduce contact again. Hold firm. You only need to spend time with people who value and respect you. You have a choice who you spend time with.

TheAudie · 01/05/2023 21:07

Absolute bitch. What the fuck is her problem?! I’m raging for you.

And I bet you aren’t “huge” at all btw.