‘She’s f*cking huge, as big as you’ but not calling me fat

[namechangeforthistodayy]

Posting to vent more than anything because I just need to get out what’s just happened and I feel really confused and upset and don’t know if I’m just being stupid and ‘spiteful and manipulative’ as I’ve just been called. Also changing names for this.

Had a lovely day with my family and my partner and little boy. Back at my mums and we’re still having a laugh when she sees a photo of a woman she knows on Facebook and says ‘she’s f*cking huge’, I asked her had she gained weight because I’d only ever known her as tiny and she replied ‘she’s about as big as you now’. I am big. I have PCOS and I comforted myself with binge eating when I had my son three years ago due to PND. I’ve struggled to get it off ever since and am making lifestyle changes currently and have lost a stone in the last couple of months which I’ve felt good about. I tried to laugh it off when her and my sister started getting up photos of big women on mobility scooters and saying that it was me. Not just pictures but videos too making me watch them whilst laughing and It got uncomfortable and I told her she was calling me fat which I already knew, but that she is also weight conscious and she wouldn’t like it had I said this stuff to her. She said ‘I know but I never said you were fat’ and I told her that calling someone huge was generally insinuating that and she continued to deny it because she had never used the word fat and ‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’. When I tried to explain to her I just got shut down in front of everyone, and I eventually started crying because I felt so embarrassed. She then got verbally aggressive and with a really nasty look on her face called me a liar and spiteful and manipulative denying that she had not said anything wrong because she hadn’t used the word fat. She started screaming at me to get out of her house and said ‘if you really want me to get nasty I can tell you a few home truths about yourself’ so I told her to just say it if that’s how she felt, and she refused and said ‘you wouldn’t be able to handle it’.

I started to pack up to leave and she started to get my partner involved saying ‘I never said this did I’, when he told her that she had, her face dropped and she stormed off into the kitchen screaming get out of my house.

We’ve obviously left and definitely should have done earlier but it genuinely was a nice day, which is generally quite rare because she is so on and off and sometimes I feel like the scapegoat child because she panders to all my other siblings. I’m the oldest and it’s always been this way.

I just feel shaken up and almost like I’m deluded and in the wrong for getting upset and keep doubting myself that maybe I just shouldn’t have been upset because she hadn’t actually used the word fat. My partner has reassured me that what’s happened isn’t okay, but I’m really shaken up and also worried that she is going to try to do something really spiteful.

i just don’t know what to do and im getting in my head about what to do next and how to handle the situation.

Bless you , your own mother should never treat you like this .Definitely NC from now on hope you re ok💐

i just don’t know what to do

Nothing,meet on with your life with your partner and your baby,m and wait for your bitch of a mother to apologise to you.

Warning - it sounds like you might have quite a long wait, which says much more about her than you.

Oh my god that was your MUM?! I misread it at first and thought it was a friend, and was already horrified. I'm appalled and so sorry!

‘In a court of law it would be fine because I never actually called you fat’.

Your mother and your sister are abusive. What do you actually gain by having contact with them, or putting up with their behaviour.
Does putting up with their behaviour and not challenging them make them stop? I'm guessing the answer is No.

The thing is.. you DO NOT HAVE TO DO WHAT THEY TELL YOU. You do NOT have to put up with their nasty behaviour. You may feel pressured to obey them, to do family visits, to listen to their comments - but you don't have to if what they are doing in these situations is so nasty. It is bullying and you don't have to keep putting yourself in the way of it because tradition says so.

If you are ready, start by reducing contact as much as you can.
Try to get someone to talk to in RL about assertiveness training.
Make your own plans - days out with partner and little one. Arrange some things with friends. Just as long as its people who treat you well. You deserve it.

Its so good that your partner supports you. Think of yourselves and your little 3yr old. Its not good for them to be around this. Why keep volunteering to let family members treat you like this just because they are related to you. You are an adult now with your own family unit. You can say no.

Your mum sounds unhinged!

I’m so sorry she spoke to you like that - you must be feeling so upset and in shock.
I’m guessing that because you’re even considering it might be your fault, your mum has always messed with your head and you’re now at the point where you can’t tell if you’re to blame.
Let me tell you now - you are not to blame!

She’s owes you a massive apology but the fact she said all of that and deemed it ok, would make me question if I ever wanted to stay in contact with her again. No mum purposely wants to hurt their own child unless they’re unstable, which your mum clearly is!

What a toxic pair your mother and sister are!! They deliberately made you feel bad in a really nasty way. For your own self-esteem and mental health you need to minimise your contact with them.

Sorry haven't RTFT but I'm absolutely sure I'm just reiterating what everyone else has said... Bin her off. Right now.

You don't need this abuse, you don't deserve to be mocked and insulted and laughed at, and you don't want your child thinking that's an acceptable way to speak to someone. Thank heavens your partner stuck up for you, thank him for his support and agree you won't see her any more. Congratulations on your recent weight loss and I'm sorry you had PND, I hope you're doing well now.

I feel sorry for you because this has clearly gone on for long enough to feel normal to you and a blip in an otherwise 'lovely day'. I hate to say it but your mother sounds mean and horrible, making fun of pictures of larger women, and your sisters are bullying and delighting along with her. Your partner sounds nice though. As hard as it is, I would consider going LC/NC while you work on recognising their toxic behaviours and regaining your self esteem. 💐

Sounds like your mum is pretty unpleasant OP, and because you’ve had this sort of treatment in the past, that she has probably manipulated you into thinking that you are over re-acting and now you’re doubting yourself and your reaction. But you have absolutely not been in the wrong today, and I would wait for a couple of days until it calms down, then discuss with your mum in a very firm calm way, calling her out on her behaviour. If she doesn't listen to you, step back from her and go low contact.

Is she always like this or is it new? If the latter could be a form of dementia bedding in. Either way personally I wouldn't see her again.

I havent read all of the thread so Im sure someone will have made this point already

Your mum and family are quite toxic and spiteful unfortunately

The word 'fat' is neither here nor there. The word itself is quite neutral, it is an item, a state of being if one falls into a particular category of overweight (as I do)

The issue here is that she and your sister are using being overweight as an insult, a derogatory laugh, that people who are overweight/fat are jokes, not as good as other people, fit for being laughed at only.

That is just pure nastiness, playground bullying.

I would think carefully about not having a relationship with them but I know thats not as easy as that.

If I were you OP honestly I'd handle it by blocking her number and removing her from your life.

Family or not, nobody is obligated to be around nasty abusive drama like that.

Hope you're ok x

Have a look at this thread, see if things on here match your life growing up. It sounds to me your mother is a narcissist your her scape goat and she is not playing victim because you called her out on it. Classic narcissistic behaviour.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4637853-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-2

There are plenty more threads on this, I have found they have helped me come to terms with my NM.

I'm so sorry, this sounds so upsetting and deliberately hurtful.

The only good thing is that your partner stuck up for you and refused to be bullied by her.

I would concentrate on your little family of three and leave your mum and sister to it. They don't deserve you in their life

OP dear, think about if your mum and sister said these sort of things to your child when they were older. How would you feel? You'd absolutely feel that it was wrong and vile behaviour and you'd take your child away from it. It's the same with you. Look after yourselves you would your child - this is deranged behaviour that you, your partner, and your child need to be removed from.

I speak from experience OP - I put up with it for 40 years and it was only when it was happening in front of my child and I immediately thought "this is wrong, I need to get DC away from this" that I then had the follow up thought "hang on, if it's wrong for DC it's bloody wrong for me to tolerate!"

Your mum sounds overly dramatic and cruel. Absolutely go NC.

Stop seeing her.

This is absolutely not okay. I grew up with a really unkind mother too who to this day is mean to me, it has caused me so many issues throughout my life from self doubt to low self esteem and low confidence. I now have a daughter of my own and vowed I would never make her feel the way my mum made me feel and still does to this day.

Please just know that you did nothing to deserve this level of meanness towards you and the issue is with her and your sister and that it is absolutely okay for you to speak up for yourself and walk away from people who are intentionally abusive towards you.

So what you're overweight, so are the majority of the population, you've admitted you're making changing to lead a healthier lifestyle and all that matters is how you feel about yourself.

Hugs and more hugs you go NC she is toxic and cruel. I had this with my family I was fat etc I’m NC now best thing I did 16 years ago.

OP I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. It sounds like your mum has serious mental health issues and she’s definitely not displaying the actions of a loving mother. My mother is wife unstable and can say a lot of hurtful things, but Jim still this level of harm, but I’ve gone low contact with her for less than this. It had done wonders for my mental health and entire life and all other relationships in my life. Please please for the sake of your future, seek therapy and reduce contact with this toxic parent.

She’s a fucking cow. Honestly that would be it for me, no more contact. Protect your child.

Another vote for 'stop seeing her'.

Your mum is unhinged.

Very weird behaviour

That is vile. She might not have meant it that way at the start but the way she carried it on there is no excuse. As a mum I think one of your main jobs is to make your kids feel confident about who they are as she is a big fat failure at that isn't she.

Brilliant that you have lost that stone, don't let her discourage you. I think so many of us put weight on in lockdown, then you've had a baby which is another thing that tends to make us put a bit of weight on and then PCOS on top of that. You should be proud of yourself that you are doing so well.

I'd take you over her as a friend 1000 times over